by Aiden Bates
Brantley slid down in his seat, mortified. Alaina hummed.
"Good Lord, the man's as gay as they come!" Dwayne shook his head.
Allen made a face. "It's the government. We literally had to be more open. It was a matter of life or death. It's not that he's more willing to be seen with me than you. Trust me, Dwayne. You're beautiful. No one in their right mind would rather be seen with me than with you. It's literally just a matter of timing. If you'd been the one who was with him when ICE came calling…"
Dwayne's whole body relaxed. "I'd be having dinner in public with him. Holding hands and all."
"You bet." Allen smiled, a politician's smile that promised a chicken in every pot. "I don't know you. I don't know if there were other factors at play there. But yeah, Dwayne. It's just timing."
Dwayne blew out a loud "whoosh" of breath. "I'm so embarrassed."
"No need. It's an emotional situation." Allen sat back and took a bite of his dinner.
"So what have you been up to, now that you know what I've been doing for the past few months?" Brantley desperately needed to change the subject. He could have kissed Allen for getting him off the hook with Dwayne, but something about Allen's explanation didn't sit right with him.
It was probably just fatigue.
Dwayne turned out to have been leading a student trip to Haiti for the summer. They'd been working with a local group to build a public health center. They'd just gotten back the previous week, and everyone was still kind of recovering. He taught Health at the charter school, and he figured it was important for students to participate in public health initiatives.
Allen and Dwayne hit it off pretty well, once they'd gotten through that initial awkwardness. It shouldn't have surprised Brantley. They both had that kind of optimism and idealism, that desire to help. Maybe Brantley had a type. Maybe he should learn to stay away from that type if he wanted to keep his heart intact.
Or maybe he should accept that this was his lot in life, and learn to love it.
After dinner, Allen and Dwayne exchanged numbers. Brantley had a moment of jealousy, but he fought it down. Dwayne had a bias against dating white men, and Brantley knew Allen wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize their ruse with ICE.
He and Allen went home after that, and they put Alaina to bed. Then they lay down in their own bed. "I liked him." Allen settled into his now-traditional position in the crook of Brantley's arm, with his head on Brantley's chest.
"He's got his good points." Brantley wrinkled his nose. "It's generally in bad form to talk about the ex with the new boyfriend, though, isn't it?"
Allen laughed. "We hardly count, though."
Brantley grimaced. "Okay, then. He's a good man. You're right. Even if we were really a couple, it would be down to more than just timing."
Allen tilted his head to look up at Brantley. "How do you mean? He's gorgeous, he's brilliant, he's making a real difference in the world."
Brantley kissed the top of Allen's head. It might have been a bridge too far, and Allen did stop everything he was doing and just breathe, but Brantley didn't regret it. Not for a second. "He's… well. First of all, you're more patient. You're both American, and neither of you can really understand what it's like to face the kind of persecution I faced in Haiti. Neither one of you can get why it's so hard for me to be demonstrative about my affections.
"You're patient. The circumstances are different, sure. You don't expect it to be spontaneous, though. You told me, when we had to discuss it, very simply that it was something we had to do because of ICE. You didn't expect that somehow the love of one man I hadn't known for very long was going to cure thirty years of fear."
Allen laughed. "Well, no, that's just silly."
Brantley shrugged as best he could with Allen on his shoulder. "Dwayne was upset when I didn't change. When that didn't change about me. I don't think we'd have lasted long enough to get to a point where we could have faked it for ICE." He kissed the top of Allen's head again. "And you're also gorgeous. You're also brilliant. And you, also, make the world a better place, Allen. Never think you don't."
Allen grunted. "He goes off to Haiti to build public health centers. I deliver babies and get paid for it."
"Which is important work. And you're an emergency foster parent. You fight for your patients, and you make a terrifying situation better for them. Do you think Alaina's mother wasn't a thousand times more comfortable knowing she, and her daughter, were in good hands?"
Allen made a noncommittal sound. A few minutes later, he was asleep.
Brantley took a little longer to get there. He could have done better by Dwayne. He hadn't been lying when he told Allen he and Dwayne wouldn't have made it to the point where ICE had gotten involved, but he hadn't been entirely truthful, either. Dwayne hadn't been at all patient with Brantley's fears around being public with their relationship.
Brantley hadn't had the patience for Dwayne's need for publicity. He just hadn't. He hadn't wanted to deal with it. He hadn't wanted to hear about it. There hadn't been anything about their relationship that made him want to take that risk and push through his own fears.
At no point in Brantley's relationship with Dwayne had Brantley ever thought, even for a moment, about making things more permanent. He hadn't thought about moving in together. He hadn't thought about marriage. He didn't even know if Dwayne was an omega. Starting a family, through birth or adoption, couldn't have been further from his radar. That wasn't unusual. Those hadn't ever been on Brantley's radar.
The one person to put them into Brantley's field of vision was Allen. Sure, sex with Dwayne had been good, and they'd had it fairly often. When Brantley had broken up with Dwayne, he did not think about the sex they'd had even once. Brantley had made love to Allen exactly once. He thought about that night ten times a day, on average.
Brantley hadn't ever thought about falling in love, because it hadn't been something he could allow himself before. Now he had to admit he was in love, and he was in love with Allen Frye.
Allen, on the other hand, was not in love with him. As far as Allen was concerned, their relationship "hardly counted." What was Brantley supposed to do about that?
Maybe this was karma, coming back and hitting him hard. Other people had told him they were in love with him, but he hadn't been able to feel it for them. Now here he was, in love with a man who saw himself as a means to an end for Brantley and didn't even want to be anything else. How were they supposed to go anywhere from there?
He should wake Allen up. He should tell Allen he loved him and hope for the best. Maybe it would work. Maybe they could stay together, keep this little thing they had going through anything ICE might cook up and beyond.
Or maybe Allen would kick him out, not interested in anything beyond helping out.
He held Allen a little tighter.
Chapter Fourteen
Allen picked the test out of the cup when the timer beeped. He'd been back at work for a week, and his schedule had gone back to normal, but nothing had really improved. He was still so exhausted he could barely function, and if it went on much longer, it was going to affect his ability to do his job. Carter was already watching him like a hawk.
He needed to rule out the most obvious cause. That was basic science, right? Rule out the most obvious so you could focus on the most difficult problems to solve?
Then again, maybe not. He rested one of his wrists against the counter. His hand still shook, but the counter gave enough stability to allow him to read the dipstick. The most simple, most obvious, cause of his symptoms was in fact the cause of his symptoms. Allen was pregnant, by Brantley.
He threw the test away. He washed up. He waited for some part of him—his body, his head, his heart, hell even his stomach would suffice—to tell him how to feel about this. No part of him answered.
He emptied the bathroom trash, ridding himself of the evidence. Well, that was an emotion. Shame counted, right?
He shook all over. What would Brant
ley say? Allen had to tell him. He deserved to know. It was his baby too.
What did Allen want?
If everything else was ideal, if life was fair or even good, Brantley would say, "Oh my goodness, well, I've actually fallen deeply in love with you, and this baby must be some kind of a sign. Let's go get married, and maybe buy a bigger house together because either townhouse will get a little crowded with two babies and maybe more, and then let's be together forever."
Life was not ideal, fair, or always good. If Brantley had fallen in love with Allen, he wouldn't wait for an announcement of Allen's pregnancy. He'd have said so already, or have done something about it. They'd already be together forever, instead of counting down the days until the bad guys made their move.
He tried to think about the other Silver Oak couples he knew. Carter and his husband had tried to get together just for the sake of a baby, and it had been a disaster. Carter had almost run off to Texas just to get away from Finn. They'd gotten together in the end, but Allen still wasn't sure that had been the right move.
Rick Wade and his husband had fallen in love before there had been any baby. Luke and Jason Delancey, likewise, and been in love for decades.
No, Allen couldn't turn to Brantley and trap him with the baby. Either Brantley wanted him, or he didn't. The balance of probability leaned toward the latter. Still, Allen should probably let him know. Maybe he could tell him after the ICE decision, when it couldn't be something that would create an obligation for Brantley.
Brantley headed out to the back deck and took a place out in the sun. His kid would probably be born sometime in April, or maybe early May. That wouldn't be such a bad thing, right? Okay, dealing with two infants by himself would be a pain, but he'd get through the worst parts of parenthood all at once.
Brantley gave a cry from somewhere inside the house. Alaina screamed, Sadie barked, and Allen ran into the house.
Allen found Brantley in the living room, on his phone. He covered his mouth with one hand, and tears streamed from his eyes without reservation. Allen had never seen him so vulnerable, or so alone.
Allen didn't hesitate. Brantley had never hesitated to offer him support, after all. He slid into place beside him and put his arms around the man he loved. Everything else faded away—ICE, their ruse, even the baby.
"Thank you for letting me know, Mama." Brantley's voice was barely above a whisper. He hung up the phone and buried his face in Allen's shoulders.
Allen held him there, just like that, for a good ten minutes. Brantley sobbed. Allen's shirt got drenched, and Allen didn't care. Shirts could be washed. All he needed to do was support this man. He rocked him back and forth, rubbing circles into his back.
When Brantley was able to control himself, he lifted his head. Allen gasped to see how bleak Brantley's bloodshot eyes had become in so short a time. "Sorry," Brantley whispered.
"There's nothing to be sorry for." Allen held onto the hand of the man that he loved. "That's what we're here for."
Brantley nodded. He rubbed at his face with both hands, and then he sighed. "I got some bad news from home today."
Allen had figured that much out for himself. Brantley hadn't been subtle. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Brantley shook his head. "Not really." Then he almost doubled over. "I probably should, though."
Allen nodded. "I'll get Alaina. You tell me what you want to say." Alaina had quieted back down, but he could see she was kicking her little feet.
When Allen returned to his seat, this time with a clean, dry baby and a bottle in tow, Brantley had regained more of his composure. He still wanted to sit close to Brantley. "I knew I was gay when I was young. I had my first boyfriend when I was fifteen. His name was Fabian. We loved each other very much, or at least as much as two boys who are in high school can. He wanted to become a lawyer." He closed his eyes and smiled. "He'd have gotten on well with Gupta, actually. He could convince you the sky was green, if he wanted to.
"Anyway, we did what normal teenaged couples do. We fooled around, we experimented with each other. We had to be very circumspect, because it was Jamaica and it was twenty-odd years ago, but you know. We were teenaged boys. We were immortal."
Allen grinned. He could remember those years. "He sounds amazing."
"I wish you could have met him, Allen. He was… well." Brantley pressed his lips together. "He was the first man I ever had sex with. It was on a dark beach, after tourist season. Someone, another boy who had been flunked in my mother's class, followed us. He went back and got a bunch of men from the town. They came with cricket bats, among other things."
Allen's stomach lurched, but he kept everything down. "My God." Should he hold Brantley for this? Would it seem like too much, or like he was trying to replace Fabian in his affections? He settled for grabbing Brantley's hand.
"God had nothing to do with it, even though they told us it was because of Him." He sighed. "They broke both of Fabian's legs. They got one of my hands. It's why I'm not a surgeon, you know," he added with a glance at Allen. "It would have paid better, but my hand gets too tired too quickly. The bones didn't quite heal right. I could have had someone break the bones again and try to reset them, but I don't know if I could have afforded it when I came to America.
"My father and my uncles saved us. We had to go to Kingston to get medical help. No doctor in Mandeville wanted to get involved." He took a deep breath. "Anyway. My parents sent me to America as soon as they could, because they wanted me to be somewhere safe. They couldn't afford to send him too, and anyway his parents wouldn't sign off on it. They agreed with the men who'd come to beat us."
Brantley wiped at his eyes. Alaina drank from her bottle, but she could tell from Brantley's tone that this was a solemn time. She didn't make a sound, other than the slurping, and she looked at Brantley with big eyes.
"He was found dead today. He apparently took his own life in the same place…" Brantley's face crumpled. "In the same place where we first made love, all those years ago."
"Oh, God. Brantley." Allen pulled Brantley into his shoulder.
"I should have found a way to bring him here. I know I couldn't marry him, until recently, but I should have found some other way of doing it. I shouldn't have left him there to rot."
"This isn't your fault, Brantley." Allen went back to rubbing little circles into his lover's back. It wasn't easy, considering he had to try to balance Alaina and her bottle, but he made a go of it. "You had to get out. You were a minor, you didn't even have a choice about that. And you don't know what else has been going on in his life since then."
"It was my job to know. It was my job to keep him safe. I loved him, and I let him die." Brantley's scream was only muffled by the meat of Allen's shoulder.
Alaina finished her bottle. Allen had to burp her now, but he didn't want to dislodge Brantley. "Look, honey." He got Alaina situated. "It's hard, in our position, to accept that there are just some things that are outside of our control. But there are. You did love him. And you love him still. If the man I've seen over the past couple of months is anything like the boy you were then, you tried like hell to keep him safe. You did what you could. Sometimes there's just so much we can do." He spread his hands wide. "It sucks, but that's the way it is sometimes."
Brantley shook his head. "No. I can't accept that."
"I'm afraid you have to, sometimes." He settled Alaina into Brantley's arms. "My brother died."
Brantley frowned at him. "Really? When?"
"Years ago. He was the oldest. He was working for NASA; it was very exciting. There was an accident." He shuddered. "There wasn't enough left to bury. My parents, they felt a lot of the same way. They should have kept him safe, they shouldn't have let him go work for NASA, they shouldn't have let him go down to Alabama. So on and so forth."
Brantley scowled. "What does that have to do with this?"
"It turned out to be sabotage." Allen sighed. "The guy went to jail and everything, but it took a while for my p
arents to accept that this was not their responsibility. It was the guy who rigged the rocket to go off when it did that was responsible. And the boss who tried to play the two off against one another. Not my parents, who weren't anywhere near Alabama at the time.
"In this case, it's been twenty years, Brantley. There are other countries to which he could have gone, if the US was less welcoming. You haven't tried to hide yourself away. You're a very prominent oncologist. You're a rock star, even." Allen stroked Brantley's face.
Brantley's lips twisted, a little wryly. "You're saying he could have left, or reached out."
"I'm saying it's a possibility. I'm saying we don't know, but it's a lot more plausible than the idea that you're personally responsible for what happened today. Okay? You're a good man. A wonderful man." Allen blinked back tears. He didn't know Fabian. He didn't know what had been going through the man's mind. "I can imagine, though, he wanted to remember where he'd been happiest. And I can absolutely understand why he'd have been happiest where he was most closely connected to you."
