by Nicole Reed
“I’m sorry,” I say from across the room.
“I guess I’m the sorry one,” he replies on a sigh.
“This shouldn’t have happened.” I turn to walk out.
“No, it just happened too late.”
His answer follows me through Dray’s apartment. The photos of him on the wall witness my walk of shame. Jonsie runs up barking, and I gather him up to take with me. I walk to the end of the street and since I don’t see any, call a cab. Only minutes later, one arrives and carries me home along with my achingly empty heart. What have I done?
Opening my Aunt Leigh’s front door, I hug Mads as she walks in. It’s Saturday, and we are having a girls’ sleepover with some of my aunt’s closest friends and family. “Only celebrating allowed,” my aunt proclaims.
“What’s up, Skankalicious?” Mads greets me.
“Really?” I try to sound mad, but I laugh instead. It’s the first honest laugh I’ve had in days. Looking behind her, I make sure she didn’t make good on her threat of strippers. “You alone?”
“Your Mom said no to the strippers, too. Party poopers,” she pouts. “Where can I put this food that I picked up?” She shows me the bag in her hand.
“Follow the loud voices. My cousins are already imbibing a little too much in the kitchen.” I still have a hangover, and my stomach is queasy from my binge drinking the other day.
“Good for them!” Looking me over, she says, “Looks like you could use some sizzurp yourself, if I do say so. Boozeville is where I’m heading,” she says, walking into the kitchen.
Madison does not know anything about the other day. I miss telling her everything. When did my life become this complicated? Following her, everyone greets Mads with hugs and kisses, and sure enough, a drink magically appears in her hand. My aunt sits at the kitchen table drinking her mojito and enjoying the scene around her. This is her element, everything lively and everyone having a good time. I know that she can sense my moods, and I do not want to ruin this for her, so I grab a drink to nurse.
Hours pass as we all sit around talking with music playing softly in the background. I made a playlist of some of my aunt’s favorites including Steely Dan, Stevie Nicks, and her favorite drinking song she told me about once called, “Coconut” by Harry Nilsson. Once it starts playing, all the women scream, and everyone starts dancing. Madison hops up on the top of the table and uses her wine glass as a microphone. I can’t help but join in and go over to my aunt to dance with her. We sing the lyrics, which repeat throughout the entire song. When it gets to the ooohs, everyone joins in. My mom joins Mads on the table to sing, and we die laughing at her crazy moves. Looking around me at the smiles and laughter, this is a moment, in my life, that I pray I remember forever.
“Shake it, Mom,” I yell, and everyone laughs.
Later, after everything calms down, I stand outside overlooking the lake. The full moon reflects off the water, illuminating it for miles. A soft breeze blows, chilling my skin. At some point, Madison joins me, and we stand in comfortable silence.
“She is one of the kindest and bravest women that I know.”
Mads doesn’t have to say who she is referring to. I already know. “Yeah, she is.”
“I’ll be here. Always.”
Reaching for her hand, I link our fingers and lay my head on her shoulder.
“I know.” I hold the tears back, by saying, “I slept with Trent.” At my confession, I hear Mads cough or choke. I’m not sure which. I lean my head up and let her hand go. Turning my face to see her expression, which looks like she just seen a ghost.
“Really?”
“It was awful.”
“What?” She turns me with her arms so that we are staring at one another. “Let me get this straight. You’ve waited how long to sleep with that guy, and it was awful? I don’t know if I want to cry or laugh for you.” She shakes her head then looks up. “I guess you ended everything with Dray?”
“Not exactly.” This time the tears spill over. “I’m a slut. A whore. I’m a slore. That’s what I am.” Sitting down on the ground where I am standing, I break down. Madison kneels down next to me and pats my back. “It feels so right with Dray and so wrong with Trent. How the hell did that happen? I want a good guy who wants to make the world a better place by my side and a demon in the bedroom. Can I marry Trent and fuck Dray because that sounds like the answer to my problems.” After several seconds of not answering me, I look at Mads and demand, “What?”
“Give me a damn moment to process all this shit you are telling me! I’m a little overwhelmed. Can I get a drink because I think I need one or ten before I answer you?”
“I’m not joking, Madison.”
“Me either, Kylie. I’m sorry, but this is fucked up. They are brothers, closer than brothers, because they only ever had each other. What were you thinking?” She yells at me.
“I don’t know. I don’t know,” I cry. “It’s all screwed up, and it gets worse.”
“It can’t get worse, Kylie.” She looks at my face whispering, “Can it?”
“I may be pregnant with Dray’s baby.”
The shock on her face scares me. If Mads is that astonished, then I’ve royally screwed up.
“Have you taken a pregnancy test?”
“It’s too early,” I answer.
She’s quiet for a minute then asks, “Did you sleep with Trent after that? Is that why it was so awful?”
I can’t answer because I’m ashamed. What have I done? Did I honestly think I could have my cake and eat it too? Did I really just fuck my life up?
“Hey, Girls.” My mother’s voice sounds from the dark. “Is everything okay?”
“We are fine, Mrs. Lord. We will be in soon,” Madison answers her as she stands.
Reaching down, she offers her hands to pull me up. I place my hands in hers and she tugs at me until I’m standing beside her.
“What did I tell you earlier? I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“I love you, Mads.”
“Well, just to let you know, I don’t swing that way. Just thought I should point that out since it seems you are sleeping with everybody lately,” she jokes before becoming serious. “I love you too. And for the record, you’re a pretty cool slore, so that counts for something.”
I can’t laugh, but I appreciate her trying.
“C’mon, up you go. Put your happy face on, and let’s live it up while we still can. We’ll figure everything out tomorrow. Together.”
Nodding my head, I wipe the tears from my eyes, and give her a quick hug. My confession feels raw and it also makes everything real. A little too real. Tonight is about my aunt, so I lock it all back up and follow her inside.
Sunday rolls around, and Madison comes over to watch the football game at my apartment. My aunt says she needs a day to rest and pleads with me to take a day for myself. It’s a late afternoon game, but we settle in my bed with a large bowl of popcorn between the two of us. Just like old times. Madison fixes herself a glass of wine and hands me an orange juice.
“Really?” I ask her.
She looks pointedly at my stomach. “Yes, really.”
I nod, realizing why she did it. The Eagles are playing the best team in the league today which also happens to be our biggest rival. The reason I haven’t seen or heard from Dray is because this will probably be the biggest game of the season. If they win, they will have a great shot to have a Cinderella season with no losses.
We cheer at the kick off and follow the game the entire time. We scream at the television when the referees constantly throw flags against us, clearly wanting to give an advantage to the other team. Both Madison and I jump off the bed shouting when Gavin, the quarterback, throws a beautiful long pass and it slips right through Dray’s hands. He never misses those. Thankfully, he redeems himself in the next quarter by running one almost fifty yards for a touchdown.
The game comes down to the fourth quarter with both teams tied. In the last few sec
onds, the other team drives it down the field and our defense can’t hold them. They score with no time left on the clock.
“Well, shit,” Mads exclaims.
“That was rough,” I agree.
“You want to watch a movie?” she asks.
“Actually, I’m really tired. You are welcome to stay the night and watch one.”
“Well, if that’s the case, I’m going to go see my boo.” She slides her shoes on and grabs her keys.
I want to ask her how things are going, but she hasn’t brought up Lil Rip to me, so I shut my mouth. “Sure,” I reply.
Smiling at me, she leans in and kisses my cheek, “It’s killing you not to ask, isn’t it?”
Nodding, I answer, “Yep.”
“Good,” she replies and walks out. “Serves you right.”
I laugh at the sound of Jonsie’s barking. He wouldn’t even come in the bedroom tonight because of her. Finally, I hear her going down the steps and the sound of the alarm being set.
I clean our mess up then take a shower. While the warm spray washes me clean, I think of Dray and feel awful for him. I know he had to really want this game, and the loss has to be devastating. Finishing, I reach for my towel to dry off. When I exit my bathroom, I hear my cellphone ringing.
Finding it on my bed, I inwardly cringe when I see Trent’s number. I haven’t talked with him since the other day. I hesitate to answer, but it will kill me worse to not know what he wants.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Can I come over?”
“I don’t think that is such a great idea.” I really don’t want to see him right now. I can’t relive those memories at this time.
“Kylie, we have to talk.”
“Not right now, okay? I’m dealing with enough as it is. Can you not understand that?” My voice snaps at him.
“No, that’s just it. I don’t understand anything anymore.”
“Bye, Trent.” I say before disconnecting. “Welcome to my life” is what I should have said to him.
Throwing the phone back on the bed, I lie down, snuggling under my covers, and Jonsie cuddles up beside me. The entire conversation with Trent replays in my head. I know I’ll have to speak to him soon but not right now. I’m not ready. Closing my eyes, it’s not Trent that I see behind my lids. It’s Dray. I go to sleep with him being the leading man in my dreams.
Backing up, I snuggle into the heat emanating from his body. His muscled arms wrap around me, and a large hand rests against my belly as he pulls my butt tightly against his stomach. His fingers move back and forth against my sensitive skin, soothing and exciting simultaneously. I love dreams like these when I’m between reality and sleep. He feels so real. In fact, the kisses that he trails along my neck have my nipples hardening, begging to be touched and the heat between my legs flaring.
Sliding my hand down, I slip it underneath my panties to feel the wetness there. Dipping one finger inside, I add another. Moving them in and out, I dream they are Dray inside of me. My dream takes a turn for the better when Dray’s fingers join me, pumping in and out in tandem with mine. At the same time, he presses his palm against my clit to massage with each thrust. The entire episode brings me to completion within minutes, and I cry out Dray’s name over and over. The sound of his heavy breathing in my ear along with his words of encouragement jars me to reality.
Sitting up in bed, I look behind me to see Dray. Naked. Jumping up, I turn and shout, “What are you doing here?”
Looking sleepily around, he yawns then says, “Good question. I remember getting our asses kicked in the last quarter of the game, returning on the airplane, and telling the driver to take me home. That’s about it. I was just so damned tired I guess I gave him this address instead of mine.”
Glaring at him, I remember everything that happened with Trent and guilt slams me like a six hundred pound sumo-wrestler.
“You can’t be here.”
“Oh, yes I can,” he says, rising to his knees on the bed.
My mouth waters at the sight of him kneeling there, but it’s the look on his face that makes me so sad. Hope. Hope for this? For us? To get laid? I DON’T KNOW! Hanging my head, I have to tell him. He deserves to know. Tears drop to my hardwood floor, splashing against the tops of my feet.
“Hey.” Jumping off the bed, he rushes to me. “Please don’t cry.”
I lean my head against his chest and weep. The sound of someone knocking is the only reason I pull back. Breaking away, I walk out of the room to hear the sound of someone turning my alarm off. Footsteps pound loudly up my stairs. Does anyone respect my privacy anymore? I really need to change my locks.
“I need to talk to you,” Trent says as soon as he sees me.
His disheveled appearance throws me for a loop. He looks like he hasn’t slept or showered in days. I look to the open door of my bedroom and will it to magically shut. I know Dray’s not going to close it. Taking a deep breath, I know my comeuppance has arrived, but still, I try to stop it.
“Not now, Trent. Can you meet me later?”
Pacing back and forth, he keeps fiddling with his hair as I see him trying to get something out.
“No, you are going to listen now. It’s been a long night just sitting, trying not to look back at the choices I made with you and wishing they were different. I wish that I would have loved you the way you deserved. I wish that I wouldn’t have thrown away years of us being together, of seeing the world with you. I wish I would have taken the love when it was offered instead of the other night when it was too late.”
“Trent...,”
“No, please let me finish.” Dropping to his knees, he grabs his chest. “I don’t have much of a life to offer you. I can’t give you a big house, nice cars, or fancy clothes. Not because I can’t afford those things, but because I choose to live a life that doesn’t include them, and I can’t change that about me. My past has made me the man I am today. What I can offer you is something so much better,” he says as his voice chokes with emotion. Tears silently fall down his face as he looks up at me. “If you will be with me, I promise to spend the rest of my life showing you the true miracles here on earth, and I swear that I will not break any commitments I make to you. If you will only love me, I swear it.”
Looking at him, I instantly know he’s afraid of losing my love. I know that, in his own way, he does love me, but he is about as in love with me as I am with him, which is not at all.
“I do love you, but not like that,” I say it because it’s the truth.
I see Trent’s eyes dart behind me, and I know who is standing there.
Trent immediately stands and asks, “What are you doing here?” Turning to me, he asks again, “What is he doing here?”
Looking behind me, I see Dray standing with my bed sheet wrapped around his lower body and that is it. He should have just run screaming, “I was in her bed” because it’s the same thing.
Shaking my head, I turn back to Trent. “I’m sorry. It started before you came home.”
“When I begged you to go to him? To the hospital?” He narrows his eyes at me.
I turn to watch Dray staring at me also. Turning back, I answer him, “It started out that way, but I stayed because I began to care for Dray.”
“Why didn’t either one of you tell me then. I really don’t understand.”
“It was just supposed to be about sex. That was it. You were gone, and you didn’t want me. I didn’t want anyone else at the time, so it just made perfect sense.”
“So, now, it’s my fault? Is that what you are saying?” His face contorts in pain.
“What do you want me to say, Trent?”
“How about the goddamn truth! When did it become more than sex because I’m looking at Dray’s face and…,” he looks at Dray and shakes his head, “we both know it was always about more than sex with him. Saying it was all about the sex was the only way the bastard could get you into his bed.”
“Trent.” Dray’s low voice warns. Trent
grabs my arm and violently jerks me to him.
“WHEN!” he yells in my face.
“STOP!” I shriek back, wrenching away from his hand.
“Get your mother-fucking hands off of her! She could be pregnant!” Dray roars, pushing Trent away.
We all freeze at his words.
“We don’t know that.” I say into the silence. Trent’s bitter laugh follows my statement.
“When were you with him, Kylie?” When did this happen?”
I start to tell him it’s not his business when he looks at me with tears again in his eyes.
“Please,” he begs.
