You could say that a suggestion is a proposal to our unconscious. Usually, proposals are made to our conscious minds, and we reflect upon and make up our minds about them once we have heard them. Often this is a question of behaving in a particular way or agreeing with some opinion or other. The reason why it’s so much more efficient to propose things directly to our unconscious minds instead is that our unconscious minds don’t analyze what’s being said in the same way our conscious minds do.
If someone makes a proposal to our conscious minds, we filter the information; we analyze the content of the proposal and then make up our minds about it. Either we agree with the proposal: “I definitely want to go and eat with her”; or we reject it: “No, I’m not hungry”; or we request more information before deciding: “It depends on whether it’s going to be sausages again.” But a suggestion to our unconscious mind bypasses our conscious, analytical filters. As a result, we don’t need to decide what we think about what’s being said. Our unconscious mind interprets it all as objective truth. If someone says to us, “Oranges are tasty,” we can consciously decide whether we agree or not. But if the same thing is provided as a suggestion to our unconscious mind, we will accept it as fact. As true. Oranges are tasty.
As well as having the media and advertisers bombard us with suggestions, we also use suggestions in our daily communication with one another. We are constantly making suggestions with our body language, as we saw in chapter 8 on flirting. But suggestions hidden within our language can also be extremely effective, and we’re going to take a closer look at them now. Because, after all, it’s much easier to read someone’s mind if you’ve already decided what the person is going to be thinking about.
Our unconscious mind doesn’t filter and doesn’t make judgments. It accepts propositions uncritically, as long as whatever is said doesn’t clash too badly with the recipient’s self-image or perception of reality.
Don’t Think Like That
Negations, “Not,” and Denials
A very common method for planting new ideas in someone is to claim that something isn’t the case. Before we can “not do” something, we have to be able to imagine what it is that we are going to put after the word “not.”
Don’t think of a blue polar bear.
In order to understand that sentence, you have to be sure that you understand what a blue polar bear means, in order to apply the abstract concept of “not.” And by then it’s already too late. You’ve already thought of a blue polar bear.
If you see a newspaper headline that says “Ryan Reynolds denies romantic involvement with Emma Stone,” you can’t understand it without first understanding the concept “Emma Stone—romantic involvement—Ryan Reynolds,” and then afterward adding the fact that this isn’t the case. Even though this headline hasn’t taught you anything new about the world, your mind still contains a new thought that wasn’t there before. And as anyone who has, or has had, small children will know, the word “not” pales into insignificance pretty quickly compared to the rest of what’s being said: Ryan Reynolds? Who would have guessed…?
Negations Are Abstractions
This has to do with the fact that abstract concepts like “not” are the last things we learn when we are small. Because they are abstract and have no counterparts in the real world—unlike polar bears and Ryan Reynolds (although I’m not entirely sure about Reynolds)—they are difficult to remember. If you tell your child not to lean back on his chair, you’re simultaneously planting the idea of leaning back on the chair. It’s easy to conjure up an image of leaning back on a chair. The word “not” is a purely intellectual concept, which we have to remember to apply to the image, and that’s difficult. Every time you tell your child not to lean back on the chair, you strengthen the image of leaning back on it. Eventually, it will be enough for the child to see the actual chair in order for the thought of leaning back on it to awaken in him—in spite of the fact that all you did was to ask him not to. Here are some more examples of how you can confuse people completely:
“I don’t want to make you lose count.”
“You’re not drinking anymore, are you?”
“Stop hitting your little brother!”
Organizational consultant Jerry Richardson suggests a triple whammy:
“Don’t worry; it’s not hard to find. You can’t miss it!”
Do you see what images or thoughts these sentences are planting in people’s minds? It’s true of all suggestions that the more someone is exposed to them, the stronger they will be. If you have had a drinking problem, and someone asks you once if you’re still not drinking, there won’t usually be a problem. But if the question is asked enough times, as formulated earlier, it will strengthen the mental image of drinking until your problem could easily be reawakened.
This is also the reason why children, when they are learning to ride a bike and how not to ride into things, behave like guided missiles. They are concentrating so hard on not riding into the old lady, not riding into the old lady, not riding into the old lady, that it becomes the only course of action open to them. Or, as I once did myself, driving a snow scooter into the only tree trunk within miles. A tree trunk that was six whole yards away from the scooter trail. The tree trunk that I was so very consciously trying not to drive into.
All kinds of people, from professional golfers to successful entrepreneurs, can tell you that if you concentrate on avoiding obstacles instead of concentrating on your goals, then you’ll run straight into the obstacles. Now you know why. Don’t think of a blue polar bear.
A Bad Word
I actually think that the word “not” ought to be banished from our language, because it is impossible to not do something. You are always doing something. Try telling a child not to do what he is doing. Compare that to telling the child what you want him to do instead, and notice the difference it makes. Adults function in precisely the same way. An action, like a thought, is energy in motion. It’s impossible to stop energy once it’s in motion. The only thing you can do is change it into something else. It’s practically impossible to stop what you’re doing and not do something or not think something. All you can do is divert the energy and think about something else instead.
So instead of asking somebody not to do something, and thereby planting an unnecessary thought that he may never have had otherwise (like the image of leaning back on a chair), tell him what you want him to do instead. The chance of getting what you want will be much higher. It will also force you to express yourself more creatively and positively than you would otherwise have done. But it’s tricky!
Generally speaking, we need to get better at talking about things—and ourselves!—in terms of what those things are and what they can become, instead of talking about what things aren’t and what they can’t be. Things are what we say they are. Depending on what we say they are, we create different images, different suggestions, within ourselves—and within those around us. Remember Nixon’s “I am not a crook”? You can be an alcoholic who doesn’t drink. Or you can be sober. You can try to not be sad. Or you can try to be happy.
I recently spoke to someone who had been through a divorce six months earlier. He was still depressed. But much of his attitude to life changed when I got him to change his way of seeing things and to start thinking of himself as single rather than divorced. How you describe the world has an effect on the ideas you give yourself and those around you, which will in turn affect how you go through life. Are you moving forward? Or are you not moving backward? Which would you prefer?
“NOT” EXERCISE
Try to avoid using the word “not” for a whole day—and see how often you use it for convenience. It’s a lot easier to tell somebody what you don’t want than to explain what you do want. But if you make yourself do it, you’ll find you will become a lot more expressive and positive every time you do not use “not.”
Unwarranted Denial
A suggestion using “not” is the strongest when it is un
expected. By saying you yourself are or aren’t doing something, you’re also indirectly saying something about everybody else. If Nixon had intonated his famous line differently, and instead of saying, “I am not a crook,” had said, “I am not a crook,” that would have indirectly implied that there were others who were crooks.
Denouncing something, or suddenly offering a disclaimer, is a clever way to say things about other people. A politician who says, “Our party isn’t xenophobic,” is implicitly stating that some other parties are. Or is he? Actually, the politician said no such thing. But this is still the thought that appears in our heads. Because if it’s not their party that’s xenophobic, it must be that other one that is, right? And now I’ve made up my mind about how to vote in the next election. Until I read a new headline, that is, and forget all about it. But of course, I try … not … to forget it.
Take Charge
Speaking on Several Different Levels
There are other ways of hiding suggestions and proposals to the unconscious, too. When we talk to each other, what we really mean isn’t always too clear. It can be interpreted in different ways. If all we did was listen to the words, we’d often have misunderstandings. But by also paying attention to tone of voice, body language, and the context, we can get a better understanding of what somebody’s trying to tell us. We decide on a reasonable interpretation of what we’re hearing, and then answer people based on that.
But our unconscious mind registers all of the different possible interpretations of the words. This means that it’s possible to speak on several different levels at once. The interpretation of what we’re hearing, which we are provided with by our conscious minds (and which we believe to be the correct interpretation), is the top level. Beneath it, we can express ourselves in ways so that what we say is open to another interpretation. This interpretation will be picked up by our unconscious. And if this “hidden” message is constantly expressed, our unconscious mind will begin to react to it.
I realize this sounds complicated, but bear with me, and you’ll get it all in a moment. A simple example would be if somebody told me, “I’m starting to feel ill, Henrik.” My conscious interpretation is that the person is starting to feel ill and wants to let me know about it. But there is another, hidden meaning in the suggestion: “I’m starting to feel ill, Henrik.” This is called an embedded command. Now, a single one of these isn’t very effective in isolation. But if the person who says it uses enough of these hidden suggestions, I will begin to react to them and start to feel ill—without any idea why.
“I’m starting to feel ill, Henrik. I feel like I have an upset stomach and want to throw up. You know the feeling.…”
I wouldn’t recommend reading the last few lines too many times!
If you want to use suggestions in this way, you can strengthen their impact by emphasizing them carefully. Change your tone of voice or seek eye contact when you speak the words that are part of your suggestion. Do it exactly the same way for each suggestion. All you need for the unconscious mind of the person you’re trying to influence to get the idea is to treat the things you say with a slightly lower voice as though they’re special. The earlier examples of negations, using “not,” also contain these hidden commands (“lose count,” “you’re … drinking”) that you can emphasize using your tone of voice.
If you’re starting to think this all seems like some kind of hypnosis, you’re not far off the mark. This isn’t hypnosis, but hypnosis exploits the way we understand speech. Hidden commands are part of hypnotic speech. In hypnotherapy, as in many other forms of therapy, the fact that we have several levels of understanding is used to great advantage. Using suggestion, you can give therapeutic suggestions to the client’s unconscious, without being noticed. The father of modern hypnosis, Milton H. Erickson, whom I have mentioned several times, was unrivaled when it came to communicating on two levels at the same time like this.
Unintended Suggestions
You should always be on the lookout for hidden suggestions from other people, whether they are presented as regular proposals or as statements including the word “not.” Lots of people use negative suggestions all the time without being aware of it. In this way, they unknowingly cause a lot of anxiety. Avoid these kinds of people whenever possible. Even if you should discover the suggestions, it may be difficult to avoid being influenced by them. You could also try responding with a rephrasing of what was just said, but with a positive suggestion instead.
If somebody is spreading bad vibes around, in the worst case, you can always use opinion aikido to establish rapport first: “I understand exactly how you feel. I would feel the same way if I were you.”
Then, once you can tell that the person is listening to you, you give him or her positive suggestions, which are subtly emphasized with tone of voice and eye contact, in combination with an actual proposal for creative action: “I’ve noticed that I feel much better, since I said to myself, ‘Hey you! Take a vacation.’” Turn people’s own weapons against them.
Any Word Can Be a Suggestion
Any word or expression is a potential suggestion, since our unconscious mind scans all possible interpretations and makes all available associations from all of the different messages we are exposed to every day. The next time you listen to a radio commercial or watch a commercial on TV, try listening to the different words and phrases used in it. If the commercial is any good, every word will have been carefully selected, with a certain effect that it is intended to have on you. Hidden suggestions can awaken associations you weren’t expecting at all. If you use them in the right way, you can connect almost any associations you like to pretty much any product.
Today, the act of eating ice cream as a symbol for sex is a cliché of advertising. But, apart from in the purely Freudian sense, the relationship between ice cream and sex was a chance creation. Somebody at an ad agency had to have decided to connect ice cream to sexual suggestions, probably urged on by some motivation analyst like Ernest Dichter or Louis Cheskin, who had figured out that it ought to work. It worked so well that everybody else has been doing it ever since. But it could just as well have been about something completely different.
In advertisements, both on TV and on radio, specific words are used to put you in a specific mental or emotional state. This state is then associated with the product or the company’s logo. Words like “warm,” “soft,” “clean,” “powerful,” and “bigger” put you in a completely different state and experience than words like “tense,” “worried,” “afraid,” and “weak.” The best way to make somebody feel something, then, is to talk about it. I don’t know about you, but right now I have a bit of an itch in my throat. How about your throat? Isn’t it a little itchy, too, when you think about it?
I thought it might be.
Or how about the ad I saw at a newsstand in an airport, which read “Do you remember how thirsty you get on an airplane?” Coincidentally, this offer was given at the same time as the new security measures for flights were applied, the ones that mean you can’t bring a bottle of water onto the plane—unless you buy it after the security checkpoint. More precisely, at this newsstand.
Any word, expression, emotion, or image that you use when you’re speaking to somebody will lead her into specific emotional states and experiences, in the same way that your wordless communication does. So make sure the place where you’re leading her is where you want her to go, and not somewhere else.
ATTENTION EXERCISE
1. Find ten ordinary sentences that contain hidden suggestions, like “not statements,” repetition-of-value terms, or hidden commands. Think about the things you hear yourself and others say.
2. Choose a newspaper, and try to find hidden suggestions, like not statements, repeated value terms, or hidden commands. Begin by looking at one of the editorials. Then see how many you can find in an article that is supposed to be reporting the news objectively.
I’m Not the One Who Said It
Sugg
estion Through Implication
An effective way of using linguistic suggestions is to hide them between the words, as insinuations or implications, rather than stating them directly. As you’ll see, this works very well, and we usually don’t have any idea what’s going on when we hear these things, either.
Leaving Information Out
When we talk to each other, we often take a lot of linguistic shortcuts. We assume the person we’re speaking to has the same understanding and definitions we have, and that the words mean the same to both of us. Therefore, we don’t need to explain what we mean by every single word we use. This is a good thing, because talking the long way would be very bothersome. We routinely leave out a whole load of information that we take for granted when we talk to each other. Often, this won’t be a problem. “It was pitch-dark out” will tend to be understood in more or less the same way, since people’s concepts of “pitch-dark” won’t vary too much. Value statements are a lot more troublesome. “The Oscars gala dinner was quite nice.” How nice is “quite nice” to you, as opposed to me?
Sometimes, we leave too much information out, or it turns out the person we’re talking to understands certain things in a different way than we do. That’s when misunderstandings happen. We can also consciously leave information out, on the notion that “you know what I’m talking about.” Or: “And as usual, he gave me that look, you know.” The truth is, I might not know at all. I might just think I know. Then we’d be thinking about two different things, both convinced the one we’re thinking of is the real intended meaning.
The Art of Reading Minds Page 16
