by E. L. Todd
“You aren’t always going to have the luxury of burritos and cheese sticks. Now toughen up.”
“Toughen up?” I asked incredulously. “I am tough.”
“Doesn’t seem like it.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I understand you’re trying to train me but being a dick about it isn’t going to get us anywhere.”
“Let’s get this straight,” he snapped. “When we’re working, I’m not your friend. I’m your teacher. I will push you, break you, and then slaughter you if that’s what it takes to make you the best possible version you can be. So stop bitching and whining.”
“I’m not bitching and whining.”
“Then we have very different definitions of what those two things are.” He took a defensive stance in front of me. “Now, let’s go.”
“Why are you so adamant about this?” I asked. “If I’m not going to be sent on any dangerous missions, then what’s the point of all this? I’m already a great fighter, and I’m an even better shooter.”
“Because you never know when you might need it.” He gripped my shoulders and gave me a violent shake. “Now get your head in the game before I floor you.”
***
“Are you ready?” Wilder’s hand hovered over the button.
I gave him a defiant look. I stood there with the pistol in my hand and the extra magazines in my pockets.
“Are you ready?” he repeated.
“Yes,” I said sarcastically. “Why else would I be standing here with a raised gun?”
“That smartass attitude isn’t going to save you when you need it.”
“It’s worked the rest of the time.”
He slammed his hand down on the button.
The simulation began, and the targets moved across my vision. It was different than it was last week. The targets moved in different ways, and instead of only having a few at a time, there were dozens.
Wilder watched me with his arms across his chest.
My aim was true, and I hit each target in the correct zones. When five of them moved at once, I had to quickly reload my gun before I could shoot again. Without looking at my hands, I added the magazine then fired again. Before the targets could cross the line, I shot them all. The system removed the targets and more of them charged. I concentrated and hit each one of them where it hurt. When the clip was empty, I reloaded it like last time. Then I kept firing.
The simulation lasted for five minutes straight. By the time it was finished, my shoulders were sore, and I felt the pressure of the gun on both of my wrists. I lowered the weapon and tried to ignore the smoke in the air.
Wilder hit a few buttons on the computer until my score came up. It was a hundred percent.
I gave him the smuggest look I could muster. There was not a single negative thing he could say after that. He could stop acting like a crazed drill sergeant and chill out. I missed my Wilder, the calm and gentle man I’d grown to know so well.
But he just looked disappointed. “We’ll try again tomorrow.”
“What?” I almost stomped my foot in protest. “I got a perfect score. You do understand what that means, right? I can’t do any better.”
“You can always do better.”
“Are you insane? I bet I’m a better shooter than you.”
“You are.” He said it like it didn’t matter at all. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t keep getting better. You have a gift for this. I think we can use it.”
It was official. He was insane. “Well, I’m starving. I’m going to get something to eat.” I stepped away then returned when I forgot something. I made a dramatic bow. “May I be excused, drill sergeant?”
There was no amusement in his eyes. “You’re a brat.”
“You’re a Nazi.”
“Don’t throw that term around like that,” he snapped. “It’s offensive.” He stormed off without turning off the simulator, taking the stairs two at a time and leaving the underground compound.
Then I felt guilty.
***
I knocked on his door later that night. He had enough time to cool off, and I thought I could make an appearance.
“It’s open.”
I walked inside and saw him sitting on the couch. He was reading a book, a glass of scotch was on the table next to him. He didn’t look up from the words and kept reading.
I sat on the couch beside him and patiently waited for him to pay attention to me.
He ignored me and kept reading.
“I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”
His eyes scanned the pages.
“I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Like I hadn’t said anything, he drank his scotch.
“Wilder, I said I was sorry.”
Again, he ignored me.
I snatched the book out of his hands. “Okay, enough with the silent treatment.”
He directed his look on me, and while there wasn’t anger in his eyes, he was still terrifying. The indifference was somehow worse.
“I said I was sorry.”
“You’re apologizing for something I don’t care about.”
“Then what are you upset about?”
He took a deep breath before he launched into his speech. “You aren’t taking this seriously. You think it’s a damn joke. It doesn’t matter what kind of assignment you have. You need to be the best you can possibly be. If not for your own safety, for the fulfillment of the mission. I’ll be depending on you as well as other agents. But if you’re just going to be a smartass all the time, what’s the point? Maybe you should just go back to school and change your major five more times.” He snatched the book out of my hands. “I’m trying to prepare you for what’s going to come. Instead of listening to me, you choose to doubt everything I say. If you have no respect for me or my experience, then this isn’t going to work. Perhaps I was wrong in recruiting you. Instead of letting your father go, I should have kept him. I took a risk in the hope I would get one of the greatest agents I’ve ever had. But now I know that was a mistake. I took a gamble and lost everything.” He set the book in his lap but didn’t read it. Now his eyes burned with unquenchable fire.
The realization hit me like a lightning bolt. “That’s why you took me?”
He nodded.
“That’s why you let him go in exchange for me…”
“I saw so much potential in you that day. Plus, you know things about him that I don’t. If I kept him, I would have tortured him until he talked. But he never would have. With you, I can get more information. I can get his accomplices, his dealers, everything. But you turned out to be a mistake.”
His final words were like a stab wound. I felt the blood seep out even though it wasn’t really happening. My hands felt numb with cold, and my heart slowed down to a painful rhythm. “I’m sorry.”
He searched for the sincerity on my face.
“I’ll take it seriously from now on. I didn’t mean to give you the impression I didn’t care. Because I do.”
The fire in his eyes started to dim.
I held my hands together in my lap. “I guess I was cocky for a moment there. You’re right when you said there’s always room for improvement. I shouldn’t have been so arrogant.”
He nodded slightly.
“I want to keep learning. I want to be better.”
His anger disappeared altogether. Like parted clouds, his eyes became clear. “Then let’s give this another try.”
***
I held back all the sarcastic remarks I wanted to make and did as I was told. I was a bit headstrong when it came to things like that. Taking orders and blindly following them wasn’t my thing and never had been. It was no wonder why every teacher I’ve ever had hated me.
And Wilder was almost one of them.
He was a different person when we trained together. He was harsh, strong, and unforgiving. When we were outside of the compound, he opened every door for me
and treated me like a lady. He never interrupted me when I spoke, and he was in tune with my feelings.
But now he was a commander.
“Try it again.” He faced me on the mat, his fist in front of his face.
I hopped on my feet and made a quick jab.
Wilder blocked it then tripped me.
When I fell to the ground, I quickly rolled out of it. Then I was back on my feet.
Wilder looked impressed but he didn’t give me a single compliment. He lowered his hands for a moment and removed his shirt. His skin was covered in sweat, and the moisture outlined every crease of definition.
It was distracting, to say the least.
He rushed me again, and I barely managed to evade the attempt. I darted out of the way then kicked him in the ribs. Hitting him was the same as hitting concrete. It even stung a little.
He snatched my leg then twisted it, forcing me to spin.
I launched my other leg into the air and kicked him right in the face.
Wilder released me and stepped back.
We kept sparring back and forth, neither one of us getting the upper hand for too long. I took his advice and tried to beat him with my speed, not strength. He was twice my size and the most formidable opponent I would ever face. If I could beat him, I could beat anyone.
Since I was hot, I removed my shirt. I wore a sports bra underneath, and my stomach was slick with sweat.
Wilder’s concentration broke for a moment as he stared at my body openly. My belly button was pierced, and he looked at that the longest. His fists were still near his chin as he slowly circled around me.
Then he charged me, running like a bull with its horns exposed.
I darted out of the way just in time, but he quickly shifted his momentum in the other direction and shoved me to the mat. I tried to scramble out of the way, but his body was on top of mine. He pinned me down, keeping my legs immobile and my hands above my head. He looked down at me, victory on his face.
“Dammit.” I tried to move, but he wouldn’t allow it.
He stared at me without blinking, like he expected me to do something.
“Fine. You win.” He didn’t best me often, but when he did, it was demoralizing.
He kept his weight right on top of me.
“Get up, fatass.”
He didn’t even smile. “No.”
I tried to flex my hips, but it didn’t get me anywhere.
“Get out of it, Gray.”
“You weigh as much as a cow.”
“So?” he asked. “You can do it.”
I tried twisting my arms then kicking my legs. I even tried head butting him, but he always moved out of the way so I couldn’t land my mark. “I give up, okay?”
“There’s no such thing as giving up.”
“Yes, there is. It’s called surrender. And you wave a little white flag.”
He gave me an angry look.
I realized how sarcastic I was being. It was a hard habit to break. “Just give me a second to think…”
Wilder’s face was just inches from mine. His stomach rubbed against mine when he shifted his weight, and the smell of masculinity came into my nose. Both of our bodies were covered in sweat, and we were both warm. Being pinned underneath him wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Truthfully, I liked it.
“So?”
“Still thinking.”
“Well, I’ve got all day.”
I looked into his eyes as I tried to think of a solution. “Are there any rules to this?”
“Rules?” he asked.
“Yeah. Is everything fair game?”
He looked mildly confused. “When it comes to surviving, you do whatever is necessary. It doesn’t matter how moral or immoral it is. All that matters is making it to see another day.”
“Okay.” My options were limited, so I used the only weapon at my disposal. I leaned my head up slightly and pressed my mouth against his.
His lips were immobile from shock. It took him a few seconds to process what was happening. Then he kissed me back, matching my cadence. He moved his lips against mine softly, just the way he had in the past.
It felt so good.
He kept my body pinned to the ground, but he kissed me with eagerness. He sucked my bottom lip gently before he breathed into my mouth, making a quiet moan I wasn’t sure I heard at all.
I kissed him harder, loving the spark that ignited in my body. The chemistry was so groundbreaking. My entire body sizzled as if it was being cooked. My lips were eager for more, and so was my body.
I tried to pull my hands away so I could feel his shoulders and back, but he refused to loosen the hold. He tightened his grip and made sure I couldn’t move. He held me tighter than he had just a minute ago.
He broke our kiss but his lips were still pressed to mine. “You’re going to have to do better than that, sweetheart.” Then his mouth was on me again, taking it like he owned it. “I can do this all day.”
I could too.
I moved my hips underneath him and felt the bulge that formed between his legs. It was hard and defined. I could feel the size and length. It was impressive, even through his pants. I rubbed against it the only way I could, touching it with my inner thigh. I originally did it to entice him, but now it enticed me. My hormones made me fantasize about all the things I could do with a package like that.
His breathing changed as I rubbed against him. It picked up and became rugged. His lips were still pressed to mine when he said, “Sweetheart…”
I managed to get one leg loose, and I wrapped it around his waist. I squeezed him gently, pulling him to me. I originally made that move to escape, but now I was enjoying it too much. It was everything I imagined it to be. The idea of making love right on this mat turned me on even more.
Wilder released one of my wrists then ran it down my thigh. He felt my leg all the way to my ankle and he squeezed it gently. One hand remained on my other wrist, but my second one was free.
I immediately hooked it around his neck. My fingers dug into his hair, and I pulled him further into me. My lips sucked his with desperation. I moaned into his mouth louder than I meant to. Never in my life had I wanted a man this much. He wasn’t just sexy as hell. He was also beautiful on the inside. He had a heart made of gold, and he was one of the greatest men I’ve ever known.
My hand gripped his pants and I started to pull them down. It had a mind of its own, and I couldn’t control it. Everything he said to me was forgotten. It didn’t matter if he didn’t want a relationship. It didn’t matter if he couldn’t love me. I just wanted to be with him, to feel him inside me. I wanted this moment, even if I had to pretend it meant more than it really did. My heart had started to beat for him, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop it. I was tired of fighting this. I wanted him, even if I had to pay the consequences later.
When his pants were around his ankles, he kicked them off. Then I pulled down his boxers and revealed the rest of his glorious self. I was too busy kissing him to get a peek, but I didn’t need to see him to understand how well-endowed he was.
His hand yanked my sports bra off with one fluid motion, and when he saw my tits, he stared at them openly. A quiet moan escaped his lips before he kissed the valley between them. “Fuck. You’re beautiful.”
I cupped his face and kissed him again, soaking wet down below. I didn’t want him to see the inside of my panties once he pulled them off because it would be humiliating. He would understand just how much I wanted him—all the time.
He pulled my pants off then removed my panties. He did it quickly, like he was tired of waiting for the grand finale. He looked down at me with lust in his eyes then he quickly positioned himself over me.
It was then I realized how different we were. I wanted him because I’d grown fond of who he was as a person. He was a strong man with a kind heart, something impossible to find. Despite his dark exterior and painful past, he was a beau
tiful person. I saw all the qualities he tried to hide. This wasn’t meaningless to me. It meant more than I would ever admit.
But it meant nothing to him.
His powerful body moved over mine, and he prepared to enter me. “I’ve wanted to fuck you for so long.”
And that shattered everything. I was no longer turned on at all. Now I was just disappointed. I even felt stupid for thinking anything had changed between us. He said he didn’t have the ability to love, and I was an idiot for thinking things were different with me. I could have sworn he cared about me. He smiled far too often, and he was so gentle with me. Was there really nothing there? Or was he totally oblivious to it? “Get off me.”
He stopped moving at my words, and his eyes moved back to me.
“Get off me, Wilder.” I shoved him in the chest, and he immediately backed off.
I pulled my clothes on as quickly as I could and purposely didn’t look at him.
He remained in the same spot, not moving or saying a word.
When I was clothed, I practically ran out of the compound. I took the stairs two at a time and headed back to the house. My face remained calm and no tears were shed, but that didn’t mean my heart wasn’t screaming in pain.
I barricaded myself in my room because that was the only place where I could get away from him. Then I went into the shower and turned on the hot water. Without stripping my clothes away, I sat on the shower floor and leaned against the wall. I hugged my knees to my chest and just sat there, feeling the water run down my body and soak my clothes.
Chapter Eleven
I didn’t attend our training session that morning. Instead, I stayed in my room. When Judy tried to bring breakfast, I shooed her away. My appetite was non-existent, and I didn’t want to see Wilder.
I was in a difficult situation. Wilder was the only companion I had at the moment, but I couldn’t look at his face. He was the person I would talk to when I had a problem, but I couldn’t say a word to him.
Fortunately, there was a shelf of books in my room, so I started reading one at a time. I had a TV, but I wasn’t a fan of it. I could only watch an hour before I grew restless and bored. Books held my attention longer.
