by Amanda Black
“Thanks, Lil.”
“Thank you for understanding.”
* * *
A little over an hour later, Lily sat alone in her father’s kitchen. She still felt completely raw, as if her entire body had been turned inside out, but she was pleased to notice a new lightness in her chest. She hadn’t realized just how much the guilt of stringing Scott along had been weighing her down, and she was happy that they were able to end things so amicably.
A part of her wondered if she should have come clean about her affair, but she couldn’t find any reason to hurt him more than necessary. If it had come down to it, if he hadn’t been so understanding and had demanded another reason, she would have told him. But as it was, she was just happy it was finally over. She knew that telling him anything more now would only serve to lessen her guilt, and in her mind that guilt was her own punishment to bear.
She looked around the dark kitchen, food the furthest thing from her mind, and wondered what she was going do now. She had finally started down a new path, but she wouldn’t be able to spend it with the person she cared most about. Sighing deeply, she pushed back her tears and forced herself to think about the topic at hand.
George.
She knew he would be home any minute, so she spent what quiet time she had left preparing herself for the inevitable confrontation.
He walked into the kitchen about ten minutes later, surprised to find her waiting for him in a silent house with a mug of hot cocoa in her hand. It was still fairly full, since her diminished appetite had only allowed her a few sips, but she figured it might be helpful to have something to do with her hands during the upcoming conversation.
“Lil?” he asked, sensing something was up. “What’s going on?”
“Pull up a chair,” she said as calmly as possible, trying to keep her voice from wavering.
“Alright,” he said hesitantly. Once he was seated across from her, he sighed loudly. “Want to tell me what this is all about?”
“Listen. I have some news, and I didn’t think it should wait.”
“Are you pregnant?” he asked, a slight enthusiastic edge to his voice.
“No!” she gasped. “God, no! Why on earth would you think that?”
“Well, you said you had news. Forgive me for jumping to conclusions. So? Whatcha got for me?”
Lily took a deep breath. “I’m moving out.”
There was a beat of silence. “Oh,” he replied quietly. “So soon?”
“Soon? Dad, it’s been three years.”
“I know. I guess I just figured you two would wait until closer to the wedding. So, where are you guys going to live?”
“Actually, that’s the other part of my news. I’m moving out alone. The engagement is off.”
“Are you alright?” he asked quickly. “What happened? Did you fight? Did he hurt you? Do I need to kick his ass?”
“Slow down, Dad. Take a breath.”
“Tell me what happened, Lil.”
“We ended it.”
“Care to be more specific?” George asked sarcastically.
“We both agreed that we aren’t the right people for each other. There wasn’t any one thing that happened, Dad. We aren’t mad at each other, there was no big fight. We just aren’t together anymore.”
“Not right for each other?” he yelled. “What are you talking about? You two are a perfect couple!”
“Not even close, Dad.”
“I just don’t get it,” George sighed, running his hands through his hair. “He’s a great kid, Lily. He’s always treated you well.”
“If you love him so much why don’t you marry him, then?” she snapped, regretting it instantly when he winced. “Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. But you’re supposed to care about what I want and need, and it’s not Scott. It hasn’t been for a long time, and I finally found the courage to admit it to him. I didn’t think we had any business getting married when we just weren’t in love.”
“But he loved you. That was easy to see.”
“Yes, he loved me. And I loved him. But it wasn’t the right kind of love, Dad. I hope you understand because I need that to be enough for you.”
“I’m sorry, this is just a lot to take in. You swear you’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine. And so is Scott, don’t worry. I know you care about him. You can still hang out with him whenever you want. I won’t mind. But I’m not going to be here to bust my ass making you both dinner anymore.”
“You mean you’re still moving out? Why?”
“Dad, really? I’m almost thirty, single, and living with my father. It’s time for me to be on my own.”
“But… but who’s gonna help me out around here? You know my leg still bothers me.”
“Your leg is fine. You’ve just gotten used to having me wait on you hand and foot, and now you don’t like the thought of going back to what it was like before. Well, if I remember correctly, you used to whine and moan when I first moved in, telling me over and over again how you somehow managed to get by on your own for over twenty years without my help. Now’s your chance to prove it.”
Lily could see him blinking rapidly, and on closer inspection, she noticed that his eyes looked watery.
“That’s not it,” he whispered, swallowing a lump in his throat. “I’ll be fine. I admit I’ve gotten a little lazy around here, but I think I can remember how to use the microwave. It’s just that I’m really going to miss you around here. I love you, Lil.”
She could probably count on one hand how many times she had heard her father say that.
“I love you too. And it’s not like I’m going back to Minnesota and you’ll never see me again. I’m just moving into an apartment across town. I’ll even have you over for Sunday breakfast someday.”
“I guess that’s not so bad,” he said. Lily watched as his thick mustache twitched at the corners, eventually turning up into a smile. “At least you’ll finally get those damn cats out of here.”
“Hey! Don’t knock the Fraggle twins. I know you secretly love them.”
After a few uncomfortable moments of silence he glanced at his watch. “I should probably be getting to bed. I have to be at the school early tomorrow.” He stood up from the table, wiping at his eyes quickly when he thought she wasn’t looking. As he turned to leave, he stopped and looked at her one more time. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay, kiddo?”
“Yeah, Dad. I think everything is going to be just fine.”
She almost believed it.
* * *
After George went to bed, she slowly made her way upstairs and got ready to turn in herself. It wasn’t until she was settled underneath the covers that she finally lost control of her thoughts, allowing all of the memories to come flooding back again.
Ethan, holding her tightly in the dark, stroking her bare shoulders and kissing her softly.
Ethan, waking her up in the middle of the night with his wandering fingers.
Ethan, smiling and laughing as she tickled him playfully.
When she couldn’t take any more, Lily rolled over onto her side and cried herself to sleep.
Chapter 2
“Jesus Christ, Lily, would you just pick one already?” Emma slurred as she drummed her manicured nails impatiently on the coffee table.
“Seriously!” Maggie groaned from the other end of the table.
“Hey, lay off! I rolled exactly the right number to try for another pie piece, but I don’t know which color I should choose. Pink is my favorite category, but I gotta get that fucking green one out of the way. I hate Science & Nature. I always blank on the answer, even when I know it.”
“Lily, everyone loves pink,” Emma chided. “Entertainment is the easiest category.”
“Speak for yourself, bitch. I like sports.”
“Oh shut it, Maggie. We can’t all be married to the NFL.” Maggie stuck out her tongue childishly at Emma before tipping back her margarita and slurping loudly. Emma flipped
her the bird and looked back across the table without losing her focus.
“Alright Lily, today!”
“Fine, pink. Do it before I change my mind.” Lily finished the rest of her drink as Emma fished out another card from the box.
“Okay,” Emma cleared her throat before continuing. “In the Steve Martin remake of Father of the Bride, what was the final head count at his daughter’s wedding?”
“Five hundred and seventy-two,” Lily answered without even blinking.
“Holy shit!” Maggie blurted, almost spitting out her drink.
“How the hell did you know that?” Emma asked, her mouth still hanging open.
“Girls, let me tell you, if it’s a movie that I was remotely interested in when I was younger, I can probably quote the entire thing to you. I just have this strange knack for remembering useless bullshit, and movies were one of my favorite ways to kill time. Now shut up and give me my pink pie piece,” Lily teased, holding her hand out across the table toward Emma, who had announced at the beginning of the game that she always hands out the pie pieces.
“Alright, Rain Main, don’t get your panties in a wad,” she laughed, handing her the tiny plastic triangle. “Maggie, you’re next.”
“Wait,” Maggie replied, getting up from her kneeling position on the carpet. “I call break. We’re out of margaritas and I really need to pee.” She grabbed the empty pitcher and headed to her enormous kitchen, which currently looked like a disaster area, covered with bags and boxes of junk food.
The Foster girls knew how to do a girls’ night right.
“Hey, how are you doing, Lily?” Emma whispered as soon as Maggie was out of earshot.
“Oh,” she sighed, “I’m okay, I suppose. Every day goes by a little easier.”
“Good.” Emma smiled, reached over, and patted her hand. “I’m happy to hear that.”
It had been over three weeks since Lily had started living on her own, and she had been in contact with one or both of the girls nearly every day from the beginning. It all started when she had tried to go in to work the Monday after Ethan had left. Maggie had come in for some final blood work before going back to Chicago, and Lily had taken one look at her and promptly burst into tears.
It hadn’t taken much prodding on Maggie’s part to get her to admit why she was so upset, and as soon as she’d learned that Lily’s “mystery man” had left her without one word of explanation, she was just about shooting flames out of her ears.
“That stupid, arrogant, selfish prick!” she snarled, grabbing her cell phone and scrolling through her speed dial violently.
“Who are you calling?” Lily asked, wiping her nose with the tissue Maggie had handed her. She appreciated Maggie sympathizing with her, but she hadn’t expected such venom on her behalf.
“My idiot, shit-for-brains brother-in-law, that’s who!”
“Oh my God, you know it’s Ethan?!” Lily gasped, positive that she was in her own custom-made nightmare.
“Oh, please!” she snapped, pressing the send button and holding the phone to her ear. “You two were eye-fucking each other all night after dinner. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out, Lily.”
“What?! Wait, you can’t call him!” She reached for the phone frantically.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because it was his decision. He obviously didn’t want any more contact with me, or he would have left me his fucking number.”
“Oh, bullshit! He’s just being his typical broody, overdramatic self. I’m getting to the bottom of this right now.” His voicemail picked up, and just as Maggie was about to repeat that entire sentence verbatim for Ethan to enjoy, Lily began to beg so pathetically that she stopped and looked at her.
“No! Please no! Please, not right now, Maggie. Please! Not like this.”
Maggie debated for a moment before finally ending the call. “Okay, fine. But this isn’t over, and I make no promises about not talking to him.”
“Duly noted. Just please let me deal with this my own way. I’m already better than I was yesterday, and I won’t be able to put him out of my mind if you are talking to him right in front of me. Besides, I don’t want him to think I went running to his family and tattled on him.”
“Alright, but you need some girl time. You need to be able to vent or cry or whatever girly shit you feel like doing, and we can’t do that here. We’re hanging out tonight, whether you like it or not.”
And that was the beginning of Operation: Cheer Up Lily.
Maggie and Emma spent the next weekend helping her decorate her new apartment, giving her a few pointers about curtains and knickknacks but otherwise allowing Lily to truly make it her own space for the first time in her life (aside from a veto that forbade the Flight of the Conchords posters from going up in the living room). They helped her find a good deal on a little loveseat and dining set, and the shitty little place had actually become damn near cozy.
After that, they made sure that one or both of them called her every day, keeping her occupied and laughing on the phone. It didn’t stop the memories from coming back as soon as Lily hung up and tried to go to sleep, but she found that they were becoming less and less painful to remember. Nothing would change the fact that she missed him terribly, but it comforted her to know that one day she might be able to think of their time together with nothing but fondness.
The girls had whined and begged Lily for weeks, finally ganging up on her in a three-way Skype chat until she agreed to come to Chicago for the weekend. They spent all of Saturday dragging her around from store to store, forcing her to try on one new outfit after the next, as if she was their own personal My Size Barbie. When she had finally had enough and vowed to happily vomit on the next thing they handed her, they grudgingly relented and dragged her back to Maggie’s penthouse for margarita game night.
Now, only two rounds of Trivial Pursuit and three pitchers later, Emma did what Maggie made her promise not to do for the entire weekend: she brought up “the situation” and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
“Oh shit!” she swore to herself, looking at Lily apologetically. “Is it okay that I asked how you’re doing? I know I’m not supposed to mention anything about the situation, but I just had to make sure that you were feeling better about… you know, him.”
Lily simply chuckled and shrugged. “Emma, he’s your brother, not Voldemort! Don’t think that you can’t ever talk about him.”
“Well, I just didn’t want you to think I was being insensitive.”
At that moment Maggie came back in the room with a full pitcher, shaking her head. “Dammit, Emma! You did it already, didn’t you?”
“But she just said I could!” Emma whined before grabbing her glass and draining what was left, eager for a refill.
“Of course she did, you dolt! She’s being nice! I told you not to make her uncomfortable,” Maggie scolded as she sat back down on the carpet, crossing her legs Indian style and scooting up to the coffee table.
“Guys!” Lily interrupted, holding up her hands in front of them before they could get into it even further. When they were quiet, she continued. “I really don’t mind. He’s part of your family, and I’m a big girl. If you want to talk about your brother, there’s no reason you should stop on my account.”
“Yeah, but it’s not like we ever used to talk about him that often before,” Maggie explained. “We hadn’t seen him for so long that I’d nearly forgotten all about him until that bitch left.”
“Maggie!” Emma gasped.
“Oh, don’t ‘Maggie’ me. You know damn well it’s the truth. There is no reason we need to talk about Ethan any more now than we ever did before the last time he ran off and cut everyone out of his life. Don’t get me wrong. I love the boy, and I will always be there for him if he ever pulls his head out of his ass again, but I don’t think we need to keep bringing him up right now. He hurt our friend by being a selfish prick, and until he’s ready to stop being one, I don’t see what there is
to talk about.”
“But why does that make Rachel a bitch?”
“Oh, she’s a cunt, Emma! You wouldn’t believe half the shit that Eric told me about her after I pried it out of him. I promised him I wouldn’t divulge the details—and it’s a promise I intend to keep—but believe me when I say that leaving Ethan was probably the nicest thing she ever did for him.”
After almost a full minute of silence, Emma finally whispered, “I knew it. I never did like her.” She looked up at Lily and felt the urge to explain herself. “She was just so damn stuck up, always looked down her nose at everyone. But she was who my brother said he wanted.”
“You guys really don’t need to explain this stuff to me,” Lily said, grabbing the pitcher and filling up their empty glasses. “I’m not asking or trying to pry. If you want to talk about him, talk about him. If you don’t, then don’t.”
“But doesn’t it hurt you even more?” Maggie asked, reaching out and grabbing her hand before she could pick up her glass.
“What do you want me to say? I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t still miss him every day. Missing him hurts. Not having him in my arms at night hurts. Hearing about him—well, that also hurts, but it also lets me know that I didn’t dream the whole damn thing. He really existed. For a short, beautiful time, an amazing man was in my life. I would never trade in those memories, even if it meant never feeling any pain.”
“Are you more hurt or angry?” Emma asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, be honest. You just uprooted your entire life, and it sounds like it was mostly triggered by him, by the hope of being with him. And that very day, he disappears without a word to any of us. That’s gotta piss you off just the littlest bit.”
Lily thought for a moment before giving the most truthful answer she could manage. “Yeah, I suppose I’m angry. But if anything, I’m angry about how he went about it. I’d like to think I’d have more respect for him if he had the guts to tell me to my face that this wasn’t what he wanted anymore. Without actually hearing it from him, I feel like it’s not over, like maybe there is more going on under the surface. I hate feeling like I’m reading more into it than I should, and that makes me angry. I don’t want to be one of those clingy girls who just can’t take a hint. I mean, he left. Most people would get the message loud and clear, not lie around pining for him.”
