“Is Toni all right?” I asked, feeling a sudden jolt of fear.
“Oh, yes. I’m just calling to inform you of Toni’s absenteeism.” I relaxed. “It has come to our attention that she’s been cutting classes quite frequently over the past three months of school, and she didn’t show up for summer school again today.”
“Three months? Why haven’t I been informed of this sooner? This is July!”
“Well, Miss Durante, this is a very large school. We have a lot of students here. It sometimes takes a while for the paperwork to catch up,” she explained.
“Well, if the school can’t be on top of that kind of a problem, then maybe it isn’t the right school for my daughter,” I replied, feeling let down by the school’s lax-ness. “Do you know of an educational consultant I can speak with?”
“Why, yes, we have an excellent educational consultant we work with. Her name is Dr. Katherine Kendall. She’s also an excellent therapist, if you should find you have a need for that service,” she added.
“Are you suggesting that I might?” I asked, anxiously scribbling down the number.
“Well, more often than not, when children start this kind of behavior it’s a good indication drugs are the cause. It might be wise to look into that possibility,” she answered in a tone that confirmed my fears.
Dennis’s warning about the friends with whom Toni was spending time came to mind and filled me with a dreadful foreboding.
“Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Louis,” I said, feeling uneasy. “I’ll give Dr. Kendall a call right now.”
I set up an appointment for that afternoon. I took Dustin to Mark’s house to stay for a few hours and left to meet with the therapist.
I told Dr. Kendall about Toni’s behavior over the past few months. Aside from the absenteeism I’d just learned about, and the uneasiness I felt about her new friends, her attitude toward me had been steadily deteriorating. She was hostile and rebellious, more so than the usual teenager. I knew the divorce was hard on Toni, but I’d always been able to reach out to her in the past. Lately my instincts told me that she was lying to me; she was sneaky and secretive about the smallest things. Besides, she was sleeping far longer than usual.
After discussing the situation for over an hour, Dr. Kendall finally said, “You know, Miss Durante, I can find a private school for Toni, but she’ll most likely be expelled. When you finally admit to yourself that your daughter has a drug problem, then I can help you. From what you’ve told me, I’m convinced. I see these kids every day; it’s the same pattern.”
“What do you suggest?”
“First, let’s get Toni in here and see if she can clean up her act on her own. If not, there are some good programs I can suggest that I’ve had very good success with. These programs require a big commitment on your part. You may get a call at three o’clock in the morning and be asked to get on the first plane to Montana. If you don’t go, it won’t work. The participation of the parents is an essential part of why these programs work. You’d be wasting a lot of money if you didn’t live up to your commitment.”
“How much does the one you have in mind cost?”
“It’s $40,000 a year, and they would like a two-year commitment,” she answered casually, as though everybody had that much money just lying around.
“Forty thousand! What do people do if they don’t have that kind of money?”
“They go to funerals,” she answered simply.
She hit home with that statement. Where was I going to get forty grand—and in a hurry? At that time in my life, I was struggling to keep my head above water with the exorbitant expenses that came with being a new homeowner. Every cent I made went into my house.
Shocked, I sat thinking, trying to come up with a solution. “Well . . . I guess I could sell my house,” I said, feeling a knifelike jab in my heart. “Do they need to have all the money up front?”
“They’d like at least ten thousand before she arrives. I’m sure they can set up some kind of payment schedule for you, maybe five thousand or so a month, until it’s paid up.”
Dr. Kendall explained how the program worked. It was a wilderness survival program, sort of like Outward Bound. If Toni entered the program, she would arrive at the site in the wilds of Montana, and would immediately be sent on an eight-day “solo” journey. She would be in the woods, seemingly alone, although always followed by trained counselors. They would see her, but she wouldn’t be able to see them. She would be expected to find her own food, sleep in the woods, and basically survive all alone.
After the eight-day solo, she would spend twenty-one days surviving in the wilderness with a group of other teens. Dr. Kendall reassured me that the counselors wouldn’t let her starve to death, but it definitely wouldn’t be a picnic. Drug abuse was a serious problem, and this was a serious solution. Once Toni made it through her solo and group journey, she would be housed with other teens in a rustic camp area. She’d have to partake in group therapy sessions as well as daily chores in a communal living environment.
At the suggestion of Dr. Kendall, I spoke with other parents who had children in the program, and they raved about the results. I felt reassured that this was the right thing to do. We made an appointment for Toni the following day and I left with a migraine headache.
“Toni, your mom can’t deal with you anymore,” Dr. Kendall said, explaining the options to her. She would be given certain rules to follow; if she broke the rules, the consequence would be that she would have to leave home immediately and participate in the survival program. Dr. Kendall explained the program in full.
“Here is a list of things your mother would like you to adhere to in order to be able to stay at home,” she continued. She went on to itemize them: hang up the phone when you are told, make your bed in the morning, pick up your dishes from the table and put them in the dishwasher, and so on. “These don’t seem like tough demands. Do you think you can do this for the privilege of living at home?”
“Yes.”
“Are you absolutely sure?”
Looking extremely bored, Toni rested her elbow on the armchair and chewed on a clump of her hair. Without looking up, she answered, “Yes, I’m sure.” Her voice was low and even.
“Are you willing to sign your name to this and honor your word?”
“Yeah,” she said, attempting a weak smile.
Dr. Kendall leaned over her desk and handed Toni a pen. Toni ran a hand through her wavy blond hair, pulling it away from her thin face. She leaned forward and signed matter-of-factly, then slumped back in her chair as if to say, Okay, I played your silly little game. Can we go now?
“How old are you, Toni?” Dr. Kendall asked.
“Fifteen,” she answered, raising her Bambi eyes, now even more beautiful than when she was a child. Her eyes were dark, mysterious, and alluring. Like myself at her age, Toni looked older than she was. Unlike me, her Italian heritage was unmistakable. I looked like the girl next door; she possessed a stunning, exotic look. If she ever acquired my gutsy attitude, it would be a lethal combination. As it was, she had a wildness to her beauty that most older men were finding addictive. At fifteen, she kept me acutely on my guard.
“If you want to see your sixteenth birthday, you’d better wake up now, young lady,” Dr. Kendall retorted. “If you break your promise on any of the above rules, you’re out of here. Your mother is standing firm on this, so don’t think for one minute you’re going to slide by on this one. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes,” Toni answered, rolling her eyes.
By Friday, Toni had broken a rule. It was not a rule on the list, but it was certainly important enough to command attention.
Her bedroom was in the guesthouse, separate from the main structure. Dustin and I had fallen asleep on the couch while watching television. It was close to midnight when I woke up and carried him into his bedroom. For some reason, I decided to check on Toni.
Her light was on, so I walked over to the gues
thouse. The door was locked. I knocked, but she didn’t answer. I knocked harder—still no answer. I ran back to the main house, got the key, and let myself in. What I saw made me go cold inside. Toni was lying on the bed, sound asleep, with a lit cigarette between her fingers. It had been burning for a while, judging by the long curl of the ash. As if in slow motion, it rolled out of her hand and onto the bed at the precise moment I entered the room.
“Toni!” I screamed, scaring myself with the shrill pitch of my own voice. She didn’t budge. “Toni!” I screamed again, trying to shake her awake.
She didn’t move at all. I thought she was dead. I continued to shake her violently, screaming her name.
“Please, Toni, wake up! Please, God, let her wake up!”
Toni began to moan and my heart’s quickened pace began to slow. She mumbled something as she opened her glittering, stoned eyes. She was alive! She must have taken a downer of some kind. I forced her to her feet and made her walk. She responded satisfactorily. Thank God, she was going to be okay. What if I had not walked in when I did? She would’ve burned to death!
“You made a stand, Georgia; you have to stick by it,” Dr. Kendall said firmly. “She has to know you mean business. You’re going to learn firsthand the meaning of ‘tough love.’ I know it’s not easy.” Dr. Kendall hesitated. I could feel her trying to read me, wondering if I’d be able to withstand the heartrending circumstances of the journey we were about to embark upon. “I’ll call the school to make the arrangements and get the plane reservations. You’d better get busy shopping for the things she’ll need,” she instructed, handing me a list. “Plan on leaving tomorrow sometime. I’ll call with your flight information as soon as I know it.”
My mind raced wildly. This was so quick!
“Georgia . . . you’re doing the right thing.”
Chapter Fifteen
The reality of my daughter being out in the wilderness overwhelmed me. Was I really doing the right thing? My stomach did flip-flops. I had to trust that Dr. Kendall knew what she was talking about and that this was the best thing I could do for her. But it was so hard.
I dropped Dustin off at his father’s house. The plane would not be leaving until five o’clock. Toni had no idea that she was going. We had made previous plans to go to a psychic fair that next morning. I stuck to the agenda, wanting to make her last day at home a good one to remember. At the fair, I accompanied Toni into the make-shift tent while she had her psychic reading.
The reader studied each of the tarot cards as she slowly turned them over. She spent time with each one, going back to the first card each time. Finally, she raised her head and looked at Toni.
“Fire . . .” she said. “I see fire around you.”
Hmm, this is interesting.
After a silent, creepy evaluation of Toni, she continued. “It’s the kind of fire from an explosion—like a plane crashing or something. Are you planning a trip in the near future where you may be taking a plane?” the physic asked.
“No,” Toni answered, unaware that she would be on a plane in less than six hours.
Oh, God. We’ve got to get on a plane now! Should I cancel?
Oh, come on, you don’t really believe this stuff, do you?
We came home and I put our bags in the car without her noticing. As I was walking to the bedroom, I passed by the door that led to the backyard and saw a huge white owl perched on the pool ladder.
“Toni, look at this—quick!”
She ran from the living room and joined me at the window. “Wow, where did that come from, Mom? I thought owls only came out at night,” Toni said, not able to take her attention from the extraordinary sight.
“They do.”
“What’s it doing here?”
“Darned if I know.”
It was about two and a half feet tall and at least half of that wide. It was immense and completely white. I had never seen anything like it before.
“Mom, don’t owls mean someone’s going to die?”
“Well, that’s what they say, if you choose to believe it,” I answered, feeling uneasy. I wanted to shrug it off, but the reality was right in front of me. I couldn’t ignore it.
“What’s it doing out in the middle of the afternoon?”
“I don’t know, Toni.”
A fluttering in the pit of my stomach persisted. I didn’t like the idea of flying after what the psychic had said, and now this. This was too weird. But I wasn’t about to let superstitions run my life. We had to leave, and I wouldn’t allow myself to find irrational reasons to back out. The phone rang, and I left Toni at the window, watching the owl in awe.
“So what’s the deal?”
“I’m leaving for the airport in about an hour, Dennis,” I answered, trying to keep my voice to a whisper.
“Does she know yet?”
“No, I’ll tell her on the way.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll get through it. I just hope she doesn’t try to run away when she realizes where she’s going.”
“Call if you need me,” he said. “I don’t have to leave for Florida until Wednesday. Will you be back before then?”
“I don’t know. I have no idea what it’s going to be like until I get there. I want to hang around and check it out for myself. I’m not sure how long it will take for me to feel comfortable with it.”
“Do you have a number?”
“No. From what I understand, they barely even have electricity. I’ll try to call in at least once a day for my messages. Just call my service if you need to get in touch with me. I can be beeped.”
“I think you’d better call me tonight, if you can. This place doesn’t seem too . . . I don’t know; it just sounds strange,” he said.
“I’ll try. Dennis, as soon as I get back I’ll have to sell some stock. I need $10,000 within two weeks.”
“Don’t sell the stock. I’ll lend you the money.”
“What if the stock takes a dive and I can’t pay you back? No, I’m selling the stock.”
“It’s not gonna take a dive. Will you stop worrying!”
“Dennis, I’m selling the stock,” I insisted.
“Let’s not talk about it now. We’ll talk about it when I get back from Florida.”
The trip to the airport was surprisingly uneventful. Toni seemed to expect what was coming and she went without a fight. I think she was at a point where even she realized she needed help. Despite reassurances from Dr. Kendall and the parents I had spoken with about the program, I was upset and uneasy about taking this step. I don’t know if I could have held up and gone through with it if Toni had put up a major fight.
The plane landed in Spokane, Washington, where we proceeded to rent a car. The journey was far from over. We still had a three-hour drive ahead of us, not counting the time we spent getting lost. We drove through Idaho into Montana. It was not quite dark yet, and we enjoyed the beautiful landscape until night descended upon us. Misty clouds hung low over the expansive land. Lovely old farmhouses sprinkled the countryside. We hurried past, trying to make up for lost time.
The farther we traveled, the deeper into the backwoods we got. Soon, no more farmhouses were visible. Darkness fell, and miles now spanned between us and civilization.
“I don’t think you’re going to run away from here, do you, Toni?” I said as we drove through the heavily wooded terrain. “There’s nowhere to run for miles.”
“I don’t think so,” she answered, looking out the window into the endless black forest.
“Toni, you need to understand something. This is not a form of punishment. I’m trying to help you. You can’t seem to help yourself, or you don’t want to.”
“This isn’t going to help. You’re just wasting your money,” she said, still staring blankly out the window.
“I’ll take that chance,” I responded. “Don’t you want help with this problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” she answered. “I don’t know what you�
�re making such a big deal about.”
“You don’t think you have a problem? What do you call almost burning yourself to death?”
“I just took some downers so I could sleep, that’s all.”
“Toni, what are you running from that you find yourself unable to sleep? Something’s bothering you. Why can’t you tell me what it is?”
She looked as though she wanted to talk, but had second thoughts. She turned her face to the window and stared out into the dense forest. Toni had an old soul. She carried a heaviness in her heart, too heavy for such a young person. My heart was heavy too, wanting to reach out to her, but not knowing how.
We saw a sign that read “Spring Creek Community.” Toni began biting her nails as we turned onto the narrow dirt road leading to the log cabins that would become her home after her twenty-eight day experience in the wilderness. Anticipation of the unknown danced on both of our faces.
A faint light glowed in the distance as we tentatively approached the trailer that served as the office. The trailer door swung open, revealing the silhouetted figure of a man. He held the door and stepped aside. He didn’t look at all like the mountain man I expected to see, but more like a college professor. Too thin for his height, he stood tall and straight, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a stern demeanor. But a gentle glint in his eyes told me that a soft, caring side of the man existed.
“Hi, Toni, my name is Steve Cawdry. I’m the headmaster here. You’re safe,” he said as he hugged her. “Go into the bathroom and wash that makeup off your face,” he added firmly.
While Toni was in the bathroom, Steve introduced me to another man who appeared to be in his late twenties. After saying hello, he proceeded to go through Toni’s luggage. He pulled out a few articles and stuffed them into a duffel bag. When Toni returned, her already large eyes grew twice the size.
“Kiss your mom good-bye,” the headmaster instructed.
“Wait a minute. Can’t she stay the night and leave in the morning?” I asked, beginning to feel panicky.
“No, she must leave tonight,” Mr. Cawdry answered with authority.
The Company She Keeps Page 39
