"It is a slave box," said Hermidorus.
"I beg to be pleasing, Masters!" cried the girl, from within.
"Surely she must be a very tiny woman," I said, horrified, to Drusus Rencius.
"She is the former Lady Tais of Farnacium," said Hermidorus. "Her house name is Didi. She is, as I recall, a normal-sized slave."
"The box is so small," I said.
"It is supposed to be small," said Drusus Rencius.
"But consider the cramping, the tightness, the girl's helplessness," I said.
"Those are among its purposes," he said.
"But it is so small!" I protested.
"It is not really so small," he said.
I looked at him.
"It would be, for example," he said, "more than large enough for you."
"I will obey lovingly and with total perfection, Masters," averred the woman from within the box. "I beg only to be permitted to be fully and totally pleasing to my Masters!"
"Come along," said Hermidorus.
We then, once again, followed him.
"I beg to be pleasing!" cried the woman from within the box. "I beg to be permitted to be totally pleasing!"
"She is almost ready to leave the box," said Hermidorus.
* * * *
"Let me see the license on her," said Publius. "I see," he smiled, surveying the scrap of paper given to him by Drusus Rencius, "the Lady Lita." He looked at me. "A pretty name," he said.
I thought so, too.
He smiled at me, as though amused by the name. I did not understand this.
"It is not her true name, of course," said Publius to Drusus Rencius.
"Of course not," said Drusus Rencius.
"Doubtless, in the circles in which you travel, Lady Lita," said Publius to me, "it would not do for your friends to know how you were brought half naked and braceleted into a slaver's house."
I looked away from him. I did not deign to respond to such a remark.
"It would be quite a scandal doubtless," he said, "and make a quite good story in the telling."
I looked away, loftily, still braceleted.
"Here, Lady Lita," he said, "let us stand you over here, in the light, where we can get a better look at you." He conducted me to a pool of light, at the foot of a shaft of light, falling from a high, barred window.
I stood there, and the men stood back, looking at me.
"She is very pretty," said Publius. "'Lita' would be a good name for her."
"I think so," said Drusus Rencius.
I stood there, being inspected. I had been afraid that Publius, when he had been conducting me to the pool of light, and placed me here, might have touched me. I could not have prevented it, in such a brief garment, with no nether closure, my hands braceleted helplessly behind my back, but he had not done so. Had he done so, of course, my condition of arousal would have been made humiliatingly and embarrassingly evident to him. I hoped that my need was not somehow evident, subtly so, in my appearance and behavior, perhaps through body cues. I hoped, too, they could not smell it.
"Kneel down here, Lady Lita, in the light," said Publius.
I knelt down, in the pool of light. I kept my knees closely together. I was confused, and frightened. I was kneeling before men.
"Are you sure she is free?" asked Publius.
"Yes," said Drusus Rencius.
"Interesting," said Publius. He then walked slowly about me, looking at me, and, then, again, stood a few feet before me, looking down at me.
"Look at her," he said.
"Yes?" said Drusus.
"Closely," said Publius.
"Yes?" inquired Drusus.
"Do you not see?" asked Publius.
"What?" asked Drusus.
"She has the softness, the femininity, the look of a slave about her," he said.
"I assure you," smiled Drusus, "she is far from a slave."
"I do not think so," said Publius. "I think she is a natural slave, and would train superbly to the collar."
Drusus threw back his head and laughed at the absurdity of this thought. I myself did not find it so amusing.
"Does anyone know she is here?" asked Publius.
"No," said Drusus.
"Why do we not then enslave her?" asked Publius. "No, Lady Lita," he said, "do not rise to your feet." I had almost leapt up. My wrists wildly, suddenly, had jerked against the bracelets. They had not yielded, of course. They were not made to yield. I knelt back then, in the light, on my heels.
"It would not be difficult," said Publius. "We could transport her from the city. Then, elsewhere, when she is suitably branded, and her neck is locked in a proper collar, when she is fully and inescapably a slave, absolutely rightless, and in your power, we might make test of the matter."
"This woman is not a slave," said Drusus Rencius.
"A silver tarsk says she is," laughed Publius.
"How are things in Ar?" asked Drusus Rencius. "I have not been there for a long time."
"I will get the paga," said Publius.
The men then drank, and spoke of small things. Meanwhile I knelt in the light, braceleted, and was seldom, I think, in their mind or attention. Once I noticed that my knees had opened somewhat, without my really thinking about it. I quickly closed them. I hoped no one had noticed. I wondered if I was a slave. Publius thought so, and he was a slaver. He had been willing to put a silver tarsk on the matter. I looked at Drusus. Something in me seemed to say, "You lose your tarsk, Drusus Rencius. She is a slave."
Then I hastily thrust such a horrifying thought from my mind.
* * * *
"Please, Drusus," I had said. "My hands have been braceleted long enough. I am beginning to feel too helpless, too much like a slave. Please release me."
"I will release you in the room," he had said.
I had then continued to follow him, still braceleted, through the alleys, toward the inn of Lysias.
Why did he not release me now? Why did he still keep me braceleted, like a slave? Could he not see that I was almost overcome with emotion? Could he not see my misery, my distress? Could he not see how overwrought I was? Could he not see the difficulty I was having, fighting myself?
We were approaching closer and closer to the inn of Lysias. This excited and thrilled me, but, too, it frightened and terrified me. There I would be alone with Drusus Rencius, a Gorean male, in the room. What would I do? How would I act?
I moaned to myself.
I wished to run to the room, and I wished to hang back, almost as though against a leash.
Emotions raged within me, furies and resentments lingering from my Earth conditionings, residues of masculine values which I had been encouraged to espouse and exemplify, and, released on Gor, welling up from deeply within me, from what sources I could scarcely dare conjecture, alarming me, disconcerting me, almost overpowering feelings of helplessness, vulnerability and femininity.
I did not know what to do. I did not know how to act.
"I am free," I cried to myself, "I am free! Free!"
But I was half naked and my hands were braceleted behind me. Each step, too, was taking me closer to the room!
I wished that I had never seen slaves, and the house of Kliomenes. I wished I had never known how beautiful they were, and how they were dominated by men, and must obey! I wished that I had never felt these powerful emotions, in all their irresistibility, profundity and depth! But then I knew that this was false. It is better to feel than not to feel. I was overwhelmingly moved by having seen slaves, and thrilled to have been permitted, even on a license, to see the house of Kliomenes. Even though I myself was surely not a slave my life, I knew, was a thousand times richer for having realized that such things existed, for having seen such basic, deep, human and real things.
"How do you know that you are not a slave, Tiffany?" I asked myself. "How do you know that you are different from those other girls? How do you know that you are not, as Publius suggested, a natural slave? How do you know the col
lar would not be quite appropriate for you? How do you know it does not, in fact, rightfully belong on you?"
"No," I said to myself, almost poutingly, "I am free!"
Then something within me, frightening me, seemed to laugh, derisively. "You are a slave, Tiffany," it said. "You know you are a slave. You have known it, in one way or another, in your heart, for years."
"No!" I said to myself. "No!" "But, yes, Slave," said the voice within me, insistently, derisively, mocking me. "No!" I said. "Yes," it whispered. "Yes, yes."
I wondered if I was a slave. The thought thrilled me, and terrified me.
Why had Drusus Rencius not freed me from the bracelets! We were not now in the house of Kliomenes!
"I will release you in the room," he had said.
Why would he not release me now? Why could he not be of help to me? Could he not see how I was fighting myself!
I wondered if she who was helpless in his bracelets was a slave.
Oddly enough I had felt most a slave, most dominated, in the house of Kliomenes when, in the office of Publius, the men had talked, and I had knelt alone and to one side, my head down, in the light, neglected, braceleted, waiting for the men, the masters, to finish.
I hurried along in the alley behind Drusus Rencius.
I tried to fight the emotions rising in me, welling up, irresistibly, from my very depths. I was confused and torn. In me conditioning warred with nature. Men were the masters. Did they not know that? Why did they not enforce their power, their will on us? Could they not see what we wanted, what we needed? Were they so inattentive and insensitive? Were they so stupid, so blind? Could they not see that I, in order to attain my perfection, needed the weight of a chain, the taste of a whip? Could they not see that I could not be perfect until my will was taken from me, and I must serve will-lessly? Could they not see that this was what I wanted? I was not a man. I was a woman! I wanted to surrender to nature, but I feared, mightily, to do so. I sensed what a woman might become if she surrendered to nature. I scarcely dared think it, let alone speak it. How categorical, how fearful, how absolute such a thing would be! Yet I longed for it. I wished a man would throw me to my belly and lock a collar on my throat. I wished to lie trembling at his feet, in the shadow of his whip, knowing that thenceforth, whether I wished it or not, I existed for love, passion and service.
"Leading position," said Drusus Rencius. I swiftly put my head down and felt his fingers lock themselves deeply in my hair. I turned my head and pressed my lips suddenly, helplessly, to his thigh, kissing him. He twisted my head cruelly to the side, holding it there, turned, so that my lips could not touch him. My eyes brimmed with tears, not only from the pain, but, more so, from the fact that I had been rejected.
We had then passed the stranger, approaching, in the alley. Drusus Rencius released my hair, and I straightened up, continuing to follow him.
We were almost at the back entrance of the inn of Lysias. I had been rejected!
How furious I was at the girl who had so helplessly kissed at the leg of Drusus Rencius. How she had humiliated and embarrassed me, the shameless tart! I hated and despised her. Where had she come from? Who was she? Surely she could not have been I!
We were then at the back entrance of the inn of Lysias.
"Kneel here," said Drusus Rencius, indicating a place near the back entrance, near some garbage cans.
I knelt, immediately, obediently.
He entered the inn. He would see if anyone was about, or if we might, unobserved, make our way up the back stairs to the room.
I moaned softly, with need.
I knelt near the back entrance of the inn, near the garbage cans. I pulled weakly against the bracelets.
I looked up, suddenly, startled. A man was standing there, looking at me. He had come, apparently, from down the alley. I put down my head, swiftly, so swiftly that it almost startled me, showing submission. I had seen his eyes. I was terribly frightened.
The back door of the inn opened and Drusus, to my relief, emerged.
"She is not out for use?" asked the man.
"No," said Drusus. "Sorry." He then snapped his fingers and I leaped up and, at a gesture, preceded him into the inn, and up the rear stairs.
I was trembling. I was sure that in another moment or two I, utterly helpless, might have been seized and penetrated in the alley.
In a moment, then, we were again in the room, and Drusus had locked the door behind us.
I leaned back against the door, my head back, breathing deeply.
"He thought you had been put out for raping," said Drusus, chuckling to himself.
I looked at him.
"Did you enjoy the house of Kliomenes?" asked Drusus.
How absurd to me seemed the lightness, the casual cast, of his question. The experience had been an incredibly meaningful one for me. Scarcely never before, I think, had I been so in touch with my femaleness. It was hard to conceive of how one could be more in touch with one's femaleness, unless, of course, one were oneself a slave.
Drusus Rencius looked at me. Then I went to where he stood, and knelt down before him.
He looked down at me, angrily, startled. "What are you doing!" he asked.
"Kneeling down before you," I said, "helpless, braceleted, as a woman before a man."
His fists were clenched.
"If you want me," I said, "have me."
"Get up!" he cried. Then he seized me by the upper arms and pulled me to my feet. He held me before him.
"Taste the slave in me," I begged.
He looked down into my eyes, fiercely. His grip on my arms, holding me absolutely helplessly, was like iron.
"Oh, would that you were a slave," he whispered, intensely. "Would that you were a slave!"
He then, lifting me from my feet as though I might have been no more than a doll, suddenly, violently, with a cry of rage, flung me from him, yards from him, to the surface of the bed. On the bed I scrambled to my knees. The wall was at my back.
There were sounds from outside the window, cries in the street.
Drusus Rencius went to the window, listening. "Corcyrus," he said, "has seized the mines of Argentum. It has begun."
"What has begun?" I asked, frightened.
"War," said Drusus Rencius.
I looked at him, frightened.
"I will return you to the palace, immediately," he said. He indicated that I should lie on my belly on the bed before him. I did so and, lying on the bed, my head turned to the side, sunk partly in its softness, felt the bracelets removed from me.
I rose from the bed, pulling down the edges of the brief, one-piece garment I wore. Drusus Rencius returned the slave bracelets to his pouch. "My garments, please," I said. I would have him serve me. He handed me my garments. I retired behind the screen and, in a few moments, re-emerged.
"Lady Sheila will require a new guard," he said.
"No," I said. "I will not."
He looked at me, surprised.
"You are not relieved of your duties," I said. "You are still my guard, and will continue to serve me as such."
"Lady Sheila well knows how to torture a man," he said.
"Yes," I said. "I do."
He regarded me, bitterly.
"Return me now to the palace," I said.
"Yes, Tatrix," he said.
9
I Determine to Take Cognizance in the City
I stood by the barred window in my quarters, looking out. I could see portions of the courtyard below, sections of the inner walls and the first of the two gates leading to the outside. I could also see, back from the walls, a portion of the square outside the gates. Most of the crowd outside the gates I could not see. I could see some men and women moving across the square, presumably to join it. It was the second such crowd in the past week. I saw some men, across the square, perhaps seeing someone in my window, stop, and shake their fists. I moved away from the window.
"Mistress!" cried Susan, entering with a tray, stopping suddenl
y, spilling wine. She looked at me, with the sudden terror of a slave who had been clumsy. "Forgive me, Mistress!" she cried. "I will clean it up immediately!"
I watched her while she put down the tray, picked up the goblet, and hurried to fetch cloths and water. In a moment she was on her hands and knees, frightened, cleaning the floor. I myself, of course, a woman of wealth and position, a Tatrix even, was above such tasks. They were properly to be performed by lesser women. Ideally, of course, they fell to those women for whom they were perfectly suited, slaves.
"Susan," I said.
"Yes, Mistress," she said, looking up from her hands and knees, frightened.
"Why did you spill the wine?" I asked.
"I am sorry, Mistress!" she said.
"Why did you spill it?" I asked. She had seemed surprised.
"I was startled, Mistress," she said. "I had not expected to find you here. I had thought that I had seen you in an anteroom off the great hall, only some Ehn earlier."
"You were mistaken," I said.
"Yes, Mistress," she said.
"There is another crowd outside the gate this evening," I said.
"Yes, Mistress," said the girl.
"It is an angry crowd again, is it not?" I asked.
"I fear so, Mistress," said the girl.
I went to the barred window, and looked out. I could hear the crowd but, because of the walls and gates, could see very little of it.
"I think guardsmen will soon issue forth to disperse it," said Susan.
"Can you make out what they are shouting, what they want?" I asked, lightly.
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