by Hannah Gray
Taking a deep breath, she blows it out shakily. “It was a few days before you got back from football camp,” she says, mindlessly digging her nails into her own palm. “I was in my room, and the younger kids were all outside. Marion had gone to the store or … something, and … Dave … he, uh …” she stutters. “He was home.”
As much as the words pain her to say, I need to hear them. I need to know.
Moving my hand to hers, I squeeze it. “I’m right here, baby. It’s all right.”
She visibly swallows, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “He was drunk. And … and he came into my room. He started going off about how ungrateful I was. How I was trash, nothing, worthless.” She wipes a tear that escaped her eye and shakes her head, looking down at the floor. “He got in my face, pushed me down. So, I … told him off. I shouldn’t have. But I couldn’t help it. I really couldn’t help it.”
“He hurt you?” I ask her, praying to God she says no. Right now, the things running through my head that could have happened are making me feel like I’m going to faint.
She nods once. “Yes. But not in the way you might be thinking.” Her cheeks redden, and I hate the fact that she feels ashamed for something that monster did to her. “Once I told him off, he got really mad. He grabbed me, throwing me against the wall.” A cry escapes her throat. “He … he pressed his hand to my throat. Pressing harder and harder.” Her lip trembles. “I swore … I swore I was going to die. I could feel the life leaving my body with every second.”
I bite my lip so hard that I taste blood, and I feel my heart shatter inside of my chest.
“I’ve been through a lot of fucked up shit, Cole. But … I don’t know … that day really sucked.”
I pull her to me, and she sits on my lap. I kiss her head. “I am so, so sorry, baby. I should have been there. I was at fucking football camp.”
“This wasn’t your fault. Don’t ever think that any of it was your fault.” She licks her dry lips. Her voice sounds so sad and so vulnerable as she opens up about everything. “I knew I was going to black out soon, but I gathered up every single ounce of energy I had, and I kneed him in the balls. Thinking, you know, if I did that, I would have a split second to run. To get away. But I was wrong. So wrong.”
“What happened next?”
“When I tried to run, he … he grabbed my hair.” Tears run down her cheeks. “He beat the hell out of me, Cole. I don’t think he would have stopped if … Marion hadn’t come home. My ribs, my nose … I was in so much pain.”
“She stopped it?” I ask, surprised.
She shakes her head and wipes her cheeks with her sleeve. A bitter, sad laugh escapes her. “Not because she wanted to. She said if he killed me, they’d go to jail. So, instead, they said if I ever told a soul, if I ever breathed a word of it to you, not only would they ruin your future, but they’d also kill me.”
Her cries are the most heartbreaking sound. I’d give anything in the world to take her pain away.
She was beaten. By a fucking man. And I wasn’t even there. I’m supposed to protect her, and I fucking failed. I failed so badly. And now, she’ll pay for my letdown for the rest of her life. How can she ever come back from this?
God gave me an angel, and I couldn’t even protect her.
“Cole”—her lip trembles—“it was …” She can’t get the words out through her emotion. “It was aw-awful. I-I have these dreams. Well, nightmares. They feel like I’m back in that room. Like he’s right here, still trying to kill me.”
I cradle her in my arms. She seems so much smaller right now than she usually does. So defeated and drained.
Rocking her, I hold her as tightly as I can. “Shh. I’m so sorry, Ally. I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I failed you, but I will never let anything happen to you ever again. I promise you.”
How can she trust my words? My words are completely invalidated because I did leave and she did get hurt. All for what? A fucking football camp? None of that matters. Not when it comes to her. She should have mattered more than the game did.
Sitting up, she tries to look at me, but soon, she averts her eyes to the ground. Her makeup is streaked across her beautiful face, and her body looks completely crushed. She looks broken. The toll of everything life has put her through finally showing on her face. She’s the strongest woman I have ever met in my life, but all the life and joy has been taken from her eyes. Leaving behind someone that I wish so badly I could fix.
Her words from a few months ago filter through my brain. “You can’t fix me this time.”
I get it now. I fucking get it so much.
Slowly, I reach down and cup her cheek. “Ally, is that why you have a hard time looking me in the eyes now?”
She’s quiet for a minute before finally answering, “Yes. But not for the reason you think.” She stops, licking her dry lips. “I wanted to keep this hidden from you. Partly because I was too proud to say the words out loud. And also because I didn’t want to weigh you down with these secrets. You’ve had too much put on you for one lifetime already.”
“I am so sorry you were all alone, baby.” I hold her closer. “I am so fucking sorry.”
Her small frame cripples slightly as she tries to force the next words out. “Did you ever try to find me? Or … or at … at least ask where I went?” Her voice breaks.
“Of course I tried to find you, Ally. I promise you that I did. Marion and Dave wouldn’t tell me anything. They wouldn’t say a fucking word. But I tried anyway.” Now, it’s my own tears that are running out of my eyes as I imagine her all alone after experiencing something like that. Watching, waiting for me to show up.
I’m in between wanting to throw up and wanting to fucking murder a man with my own bare hands. I want to watch the life drain from his cocksucking body. And the part that makes me realize I’m likely not a good person is, I could do it without thinking twice. And I know I’d sleep fine at night.
But I need to be strong right now—for her. This isn’t about me or my anger or vengeance. I need to just take care of my girl.
“I’m s-sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was-wasn’t ready.” She stops and takes a breath. “I knew if I looked into your eyes, I’d want to tell you every-everything, and I was to-too scared to do that. Scared for you and for me.”
“I’m so fucking sorry, Ally.”
“After covering me head to toe in a hat, scarf, sweater, and pants to hide my wounds, they forced me on a bus and sent me to live at Sisters Safe Place.” Glancing up at me, she shakes her head. “And yes, that place is as horrible as the tales about it.”
The Sisters Safe Place is a church group that houses troubled teenage girls. We’ve heard stories of them drugging the girls to allow pastors to come in and rape them, working the girls to near death, and damn near starving them.
“Did they … hu—”
Holding her small hand up, she stops me. “No. Nobody hurt me there. But I saw it happen to others. I escaped just in time.”
“Why didn’t you reach out to me?” I ask her as softly as I can. Though inside, I’m furious that she didn’t contact me for help. “You changed your number. You deleted all social media. Fuck, Ally, I tried to find you. I could have helped you.”
She shrugs slowly, her eyes puffy and red. “I felt like I couldn’t reach out. Apparently, a lot of people were calling, wanting to adopt you.” She looks down. “Dave and Marion didn’t want to risk you opening your mouth up to your fancy new parents about what he had done to me.” She cringes. “I guess it was easier to send me far, far away.”
“Fuck everybody. I was almost eighteen anyway.”
“Yes,” she says. “But people were offering money. They were … basically taking the highest offer.”
Her words burn my soul. The realization that Matt and Jenn possibly paid for me makes me sick to my stomach.
“That’s illegal,” I state the obvious.
“Yeah, it is. But Marion and Dave are crooked as fuc
k—you know this. The only reason they ever took in foster kids to begin with was for the state to pay them. So, obviously, when people came knocking after hearing you were talented, they weren’t going to go by the book.”
“Motherfuckers,” I growl.
“It gets worse,” she sighs.
How the fuck could this shit get any worse? How do people like this even exist?
“Go on,” I tell her.
“I put up a fight, Cole. I promise I did. I wanted them to at least tell you I had no choice. And for them to grant me saying good-bye to you. The last thing I ever wanted was to leave you alone. We had been each other’s one constant thing for years. I never would have left you.” She rubs a hand over her forehead, and her shoulders slouch. “But if I didn’t leave, they threatened to have you blacklisted from any and all college football teams. They said they could spin a good enough story to have no college ever want you.” Licking her lips, she looks at me. “If no college team wanted you, I knew no NFL team would want you, Cole.”
“Ally—”
“Damn it, Cole! You know it’s true too,” she yells.
“Of course it is! But fuck football, Ally. Fuck everything when it comes to you and me. I’m so glad you opened up to me, and I am so sorry that I left you. But it makes me so fucking angry that you didn’t realize that what we had trumped football. Hands down,” I tell her honestly. “You’ve been my life since we were twelve years old. How did you not realize that?”
Ignoring me, she opens her mouth to speak, “The minute I turned eighteen, I left Sisters Safe Place, and I stayed in a homeless shelter. All alone. With nobody. I just …” Her hand forms a fist, and more tears fall down her cheeks. “I just couldn’t get past this anger. From what he did. It lingered and festered and grew. So, I decided I wanted a fresh start. I saw an ad for Brooks University on the computer one day. A day when it would have been so easy for me to give up on life completely. It looked so warm and inviting, and then I discovered they had a music program here.” She smiles. “I just had to come. I knew it in my heart.”
“And then I was here,” I state the obvious.
She nods. “Yep. And one look at you, and I just wanted to jump back into the closest thing to a home that I had ever known.” Her eyebrows pull together. “But not only did I hold an anger inside of me that I couldn’t control, but I was also terrified to get close to you. I didn’t know if Dave and Marion were lurking in the shadows, afraid that I’d get close to you and spill my secrets. Or if I told you, I worried you’d go off the deep end and ruin your entire life.” She shakes her head. “I was so scared. But I knew I couldn’t keep this from you forever.”
“Baby, you don’t have to worry about them anymore. You hear me?”
Looking at me, she attempts to nod.
“They want to threaten to take football? Well then, fuck football,” I tell her honestly. Because if I had to choose between this girl and football, I’d choose her. Every. Single. Time.
“I would never want to make you choose.” She sighs. “But life is so crazy … I mean, I just can’t believe we both ended up here,” she whispers, pressing her forehead to mine.
“I came here after reading the success rates of being drafted from here,” I answer her truthfully. “But when I was choosing a college, the first question I asked each and every one of the teams who approached me was, ‘Do you have a music program there?’ Because even though I knew the chances were next to zero, I was holding on to a tiny bit of hope that just maybe, you would end up where I went.” My body calms slightly at the memory of seeing her at the movie theater. I shake my head. “But I never thought you actually would. Quite a sign from the universe, us both being here, huh?”
“It was,” she says softly. “It really was.”
Looking at her, realizing where she’s been, I think back to the day I came home to find her gone.
I couldn’t accept thinking she’d just upped and left. Even if that was what Dave and Marion had led me to believe.
I searched for her, going to the bus station and everywhere I could think that might lead me to her. Now hearing her say they bundled her up to hide her wounds, I realize why I was unable to find out anything at the bus station.
“The number you are trying to reach is not available.” I listened to the annoying-as-fuck automated message playing in my ear after trying to call Ally’s phone for what was likely the thirtieth time.
As I pulled my piece-of-shit truck into the bus station, I took the picture of her out of my wallet and went up to the counter.
“Have you seen this girl?” I yelled as I smashed the photo of her to the glass. “Hey! Have you seen this girl?!” I asked again, watching the older man behind the counter ignore me.
Finally, he eyed it over. “I see hundreds of people a day, but I’d remember a face like that. Sorry, son. I haven’t seen her.”
“What about the others? There must be somebody else,” I said as I lean toward the small opening in the glass. “Please, I’m desperate. I’m really fucking desperate.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I could help.” He nodded to the other tellers. “Maybe they can help.”
After asking five different people, I came up with nothing.
Nobody had seen her. If she had come through here, how the fuck would they have all missed her?
With each passing moment, I could feel her slipping farther from my reach. Hard to tell where she was. Or who she was with. My heart was racing, and my stomach ached at the thought that she was gone.
I was almost to my truck when I heard the old man’s voice behind me. “She must be some girl for you to go through all this trouble.”
Wiping my eyes like the little bitch that I was, I slowly turned to face him. “Yeah, she is. She’s … my guardian angel.”
His eyes gave me a knowing look. “Found my angel sixty-six years ago. And up until two years back, when the Lord took her from me, she never left my side.” He shook his head and glanced down. “My advice to you, young man: don’t give up. Love always finds a way. Even when it seems impossible.”
He patted me on the shoulder and walked away.
I hoped like hell he was right. But right then, it seemed impossible as hell.
I prayed to God that she was safe. I prayed nobody hurt her and that she wasn’t in any sort of trouble.
My angel had come into my life abruptly. Sadly, it seemed like she had left it abruptly too.
The world had never granted me much. Just a string of people who either hadn’t wanted me or had left me.
Why did I think she was the exception?
I guessed it turned out, she wasn’t.
I shake my head at the flashback to that dreaded day. The day that was likely the worst day of my entire life. The day I realized I was on my own yet again.
The important thing is, she’s here now. And she needs me more than ever.
twenty-eight
Ally
Cole’s body has been as rigid as stone since I told him all of my secrets and unleashed the past. It hurt, letting it out. A part of me had felt so ashamed since it’d happened. Like somehow, I could have prevented it if I had just kept my mouth shut. But in reality, I know deep down that it wasn’t my fault. And now that it’s out there, I feel much lighter.
I knew he was so angry as he heard what had happened. But instead of focusing on that anger, he held me and listened, and he was exactly who I needed him to be in that moment. And it hit me—he doesn’t suffocate me constantly because of the fact that I’m his pet and he thinks he owns me. He does it because he wants to keep me safe. This whole time, he’s just wanted to keep me safe.
Leaning against each other on the bed, like we have been doing for the past forty-five minutes, feels comfortable. And even though I know there are monsters out there, with him in this room, this close to me, I feel completely safe.
“You know”—his deep voice pulls me from my emotionally exhausted stupor—“I can’t just let him get away with thi
s. I’m going to fucking kill him, Ally.”
I shake my head. Reaching over, I cup his cheek, angling his head toward mine. “No. You will not hurt him. Do you hear me?” This is what I was afraid of. I knew he’d want to head straight back to Ohio and find Dave. “I will not have you risking your future for a guy like Dave.”
“I’m not risking it for him. I’m risking it for you. Because we belong to each other, Ally, and I love you. So, yeah, I’m going to risk my future in football, and I’m okay with it. Because at the end of the day, I failed to protect you. But I can do it now. I can take Dave out of this world. And I won’t think twice when doing it,” he says bluntly.
I know he isn’t bluffing. I know he loves me and would do anything for me.
“Cole,” I whisper.
“Yeah?” he says, sounding completely defeated.
“I’m really sorry for how everything played out. I’m sorry you were alone,” I tell him, praying for his forgiveness.
“Baby, there was nothing you could have done. I am so sorry that I blamed you. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“You aren’t. You couldn’t have known,” I whisper.
I don’t speak again for a while, and neither does he. He’s quiet—too quiet—and I can tell that he mentally wants to be here for me right now but is having a hard time because he can’t see past his anger. I get it. Anger can be blinding. Take it from me; that was the only feeling I was able to feel for quite some time.
Putting his forearms on his legs, he leans his face toward the floor. “I don’t know what to say, Ally. I can’t … fuck, I am just so mad at myself, and I can’t think about Dave and Marion without imagining murdering the pair of them.” Looking back up, his blue-green eyes are now so dark that they almost look black. “I would do that for you after what he did. I’d take him off of this earth. That way, you’d never have to worry again. I want to do that for you.”
Sitting down on his lap, I throw my arms around his neck. “Nothing is ever worth you becoming a murderer.” Leaning in, I kiss his cheek. “That would make you no better than him … but I agree. I want him to pay.”
