by Emily Forbes
‘Most definitely,’ he replied.
‘So how did you work it out?’
‘Trial and error mainly. It’s a work in progress.’
‘If you thought you only had a few years left, would you be doing anything differently?’
That was an interesting question but not one he wanted to examine too closely. His current goals centred around his medical career. Medicine had served him well, it had given him another option when his life had gone pear-shaped, but if he hadn’t had to plan for a long life, if he’d been living on limited time, would he have tried harder to recover a lost passion? A lost love?
Who was he kidding? He could have tried to resurrect those dreams but he never would have succeeded. He shook his head. Those dreams hadn’t died, they’d been killed off and he hadn’t had a chance to resurrect them.
‘I guess I wish some things could have been different,’ he answered, ‘but they were out of my control. Things happen for a reason. One door closes, another one opens.’
‘I’m just worried about doors closing at the moment,’ Bella said. ‘If I get through the surgery I can make a new list but I thought I’d start with the ones I’ve missed.’
‘Fair enough, but I still think you should put a couple down for post-surgery. Something to look forward to, instead of back. There must be something.’
She didn’t answer immediately and Charlie wondered if perhaps she had really never dared to dream of a future. Was there really nothing she wanted? He didn’t think he’d ever met anyone as selfless as Bella. She had her head down again, drawing more pictures on her sketch pad. He watched as her hand flew across the page covering it with tiny high-heeled shoes that reminded him of Cinderella. Then, as suddenly as she had started sketching, she stopped and looked up at him.
‘Fashion design,’ she said, her voice whisper quiet.
‘Fashion design?’
She nodded. ‘That’s my dream. To study fashion design.’
‘Why aren’t you already doing it?’
‘I have to submit a written application.’ She also had to submit six examples of her work but that part was easy. She had hundreds of sketches and finished designs to choose from.
‘And?’
‘I haven’t been able to get the written part done.’ Because of her dyslexia she’d never been a competent reader or writer and she’d gravitated towards the practical courses like art and design where she could rely on her drawing skills. The idea of writing a submission to a college, one that would determine whether or not she secured a place in their course, terrified her.
‘What does the written part involve?’
‘I have to explain why I want to do the course, what I hope to get out of it and why I should be accepted.’
‘That doesn’t sound too bad.’
She couldn’t begin to imagine where to start. ‘I can draw anything but I’m not good with words.’ She wasn’t about to admit her struggles to Charlie. She wasn’t ready to have that conversation with him.
‘I’ll help you but you’ll have to add it to your wishlist. It’s already November—applications for next year will close soon if they haven’t already.’
‘Next year?’
Charlie was nodding. ‘This is perfect. It’ll give you something to look forward to. You tell me what this course means to you and I’ll write the application letter for you,’ he said as his pager began beeping. He took it from his pocket and checked it before adding, ‘I’ll come back tomorrow and we’ll get started.’
He gave her a quick wink and was gone before she could protest. Before she could tell him she couldn’t possibly go to college. It wasn’t just the submission—how would she manage the written aspect of a serious course?
She picked up the negligee from where he’d dropped it on her bed. She stroked it while she imagined wearing it, imagined wearing it while Charlie’s finger slid underneath the strap and pulled it from her shoulder. She imagined him bending his head and pressing his lips to the bare skin over her collarbone. She could almost feel the heat of his soft lips searing her skin.
She opened her eyes and shoved the negligee into one of the drawers beside her bed. That could stay buried along with her fantasies about studying fashion design and her fantasies about Charlie. None of those things needed to see the light of day again.
CHAPTER FOUR
BELLA felt as though she spent the best part of the next day with one eye on the door, waiting for Charlie. Lexi visited, Evie visited, Sam came on his rounds and pronounced her almost ready for discharge again, but Charlie didn’t appear.
She didn’t want to think about how much she’d been looking forward to seeing him. How often she’d checked the time during the day and as the hours advanced thought he must have forgotten about her. How she’d deliberately changed out of her daggy pyjamas into a slightly more respectable T-shirt and leggings. How she’d made sure the red negligee was still safely stowed out of sight in one of the bedside drawers.
It was late in the afternoon and Evie was visiting for a second time when Bella heard a new set of footsteps approaching. For a moment she let herself hope it was Charlie but she could hear that the steps were slightly uneven and whoever was walking towards her room was wearing high-heeled shoes.
An older version of Lexi tottered into her room. This woman had the same platinum blonde hair and the same bright blue eyes but Bella knew the similarities were only skin deep. This was her mother.
As usual she was immaculately dressed all in black. She had tucked her skinny black pants into high-heeled black patent leather boots and she wore a long black cardigan over a black top. A stranger could be forgiven for thinking Miranda was on her way to a funeral but this was her colour of choice broken up only by her blonde hair and masses of silver jewellery. Her make-up had also been perfectly applied. But underneath the make-up Bella could see the tell-tale redness of Miranda’s nose. It wasn’t red from crying, it was red from alcohol, and her eyes had a familiar glazed appearance. But otherwise her presentation was flawless.
Even when she’s been drinking she’s better groomed than I am, Bella thought. She and Evie exchanged a glance. What is she doing here? But before either of them had a chance to speak, Miranda broke the silence.
‘Bella! My baby!’ She leant over to kiss Bella and almost lost her balance. She reached out one hand and steadied herself on the bed. Bella’s nose wrinkled under the smell of gin.
‘Mum. What are you doing here?’
‘I came to see you, of course.’
‘I’ve been in hospital for three days and you’re only coming in now?’ As usual it was plainly obvious to Bella that she was not high on the list of her mother’s priorities.
‘Three days! I only just found out. Why didn’t someone tell me sooner?’
‘Richard has been trying to contact you,’ Evie told her.
‘Well, he didn’t try very hard.’ Miranda pouted.
‘He’s left several messages.’
‘Why didn’t you ring me?’ Miranda asked Evie. ‘Do you know how much it hurts to think that my own daughters wouldn’t contact me?’
Typical, Bella thought. It was always about what was happening in Miranda’s world. She had no great regard for anything other than her appearance and her alcohol supply. Her daughters came a poor third behind her wardrobe and her alcohol addiction. Bella wanted to ask her if she knew how much she’d hurt her daughters. How much her abandonment of them as young children had hurt, how much her selfishness and drinking continued to hurt. But Bella didn’t want to create a scene, she always did her utmost to avoid scenes, although that was hard to manage whenever her mother was around.
‘We agreed that Richard would contact you,’ Evie replied. ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t got his messages. If you’ve been in no state to answer the phone or listen to your messages, that’s no one’s fault but your own. There’s no need for all of us to be running around after you. Bella needs us now. We’ve been here for her as much as
possible.’
Bella didn’t know how Evie stayed strong. Bella wanted to stand up for herself but she wanted her mother to love her even more, and because of that she very rarely took a stand.
Miranda did her best to appear affronted. She drew herself up to her full height of five feet six inches but her heels gave her the extra two inches, which brought her almost up to Evie’s height. ‘I beg your pardon. I had one pre-dinner drink, you know how much I hate hospitals.’
Bella knew that even if her mother did detest hospitals, which she thought was unlikely, one pre-dinner dinner drink would still have preceded several more and dinner would be forgotten in favour of another glass of gin.
Did their mother have any idea how much her daughters wished she loved them enough to fight her demons? Bella knew Evie had long ago given up praying for that day but Bella hadn’t. But there was no point in arguing about it. She wasn’t going to change the facts. But she was exhausted and her mother’s visit was making her emotional. She wondered if she had the strength to ask her mother to leave. Before one of them said something they might regret.
‘Perhaps you should go, then, if hospitals disagree with you so much,’ Evie said, coming to Bella’s rescue once more.
‘I have as much right as you to be here.’
‘Actually, you don’t,’ Evie said. ‘Bella needs to rest and as a doctor at this hospital I can ask you to leave. This is not about you. Bella needs positive support. If you can’t give her that then you should leave. You need to take responsibility for your actions. Bella doesn’t need to listen to your complaints. She doesn’t need you to try to make her feel guilty about being in hospital. It’s not as if she wants to be here. I’ll walk downstairs with you and organise a taxi to take you home.’ Evie turned to Bella. ‘Will you be all right on your own for a bit?’
Bella nodded. ‘I am tired. Perhaps you could come back one morning,’ she said to her mother, unable not to make a peace offering, as Evie took a slightly bewildered Miranda gently but firmly by the elbow and steered her towards the door.
Evie kept hold of Miranda partly to make sure she came with her but also partly to prevent her from stumbling. While Miranda was so neatly presented Evie could pretend everything was fine. The girls knew that their mother’s fastidiousness with regard to her appearance was all part of her deception but they held onto the hope that while she retained her sense of vanity maybe there was a chance she would one day seek the help she desperately needed. While she knew Miranda’s disease wasn’t something she could control or be responsible for, Evie wasn’t sure that everyone else would see it from her point of view and she didn’t want the hospital staff to see her mother in this state. Did that make her complicit in Miranda’s problem? Did that make her an accessory to Miranda’s addiction? She knew it probably did but she wasn’t going to stop and think about it. Not now. She didn’t want to be mean but she didn’t have the energy to deal with her mother’s issues today and she knew Bella didn’t need the drama either. She would make sure her mother got safely out of there.
As she reached the doorway she saw Charlie approaching and saw him rapidly assess the situation. But she didn’t worry. Other than her immediate family Charlie knew Miranda’s history better than anyone. Evie and Charlie had shared many confidences during their final university years but Evie knew Charlie would be discreet, just as she always was with his personal history.
‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yes,’ Evie answered, but she kept walking. She didn’t want to stop and give Miranda an opportunity to create a scene. She knew very well just how likely that was. ‘Are you on your way to see Bella?’ She waited for Charlie to nod. ‘Can you stay for a bit?’ she asked. She didn’t want Bella to be alone. Miranda’s impromptu visits were always disturbing and she knew Bella would replay the conversation and stress over it. She needed company and Charlie would be a good distraction.
‘Sure.’ He knew what was needed.
Charlie continued walking and knocked briefly on Bella’s door as he entered her room. She was sitting up in bed. She was still pale but the oxygen tubing had been removed from under her nose and for the first time since she’d been admitted Charlie could see her whole face without obstruction.
‘Ciao, Bella. Is this a bad time?’ he asked. ‘I brought chocolate,’ he said as he showed her the paper carry bag he held.
Bella’s smile lit up her face. ‘As far as I’m concerned, there’s never a bad time for chocolate.’
Suddenly Charlie didn’t notice how pale she was, or how thin—all he noticed was how her grey eyes sparkled and how the shape of her face changed. For someone of such a slight build she had a round face, but when she smiled her face became heart shaped and she looked less like a teenager and more like a woman. She was beautiful.
He’d always thought of Bella as the quiet one, the unobtrusive one. He’d never thought of her as being the pretty one. Tall, slim, glamorous Lexi with her platinum blonde hair and extroverted personality was hard to miss and Evie with her positive, confident attitude and easy smile was always in the midst of whatever was going on. Thinking of them like that, he supposed it wasn’t surprising that Bella could slip through the cracks between her sisters and go unnoticed, that she would become lost amongst the dominant characters of her siblings.
But when he looked at her now it was as though he was seeing her properly for the first time. Her grey eyes were luminous, an unusual cool contrast to the fiery colour of her hair, and her skin was slightly flushed now, giving her a healthy glow. Her unusual colouring had always made her interesting to look at but he couldn’t believe he’d never noticed her classic beauty.
He shook his head, trying to clear his mind as he handed her the bag of sweet things and pulled a chair up to the bed. Her bed was covered with pencils and sketch books but the red negligee was nowhere to be seen.
Her laptop was on the overbed table and she pushed it to one side before she emptied the contents of the bag, depositing them beside the computer. Chocolate muffins, chocolate cheesecake, caramel slice and chocolate bars covered the surface. ‘What would you like?’ Bella asked.
‘You choose first, it’s your treat,’ he replied as he searched in the bag for spoons for the cheesecake. Bella was still smiling and he realised that for the first time she didn’t seem self-conscious around him. Her smile seemed natural today; perhaps that was why she looked so different. He was amazed she didn’t seem more rattled by her mother’s visit considering the state she was in but he supposed she was used to it. ‘So things haven’t improved for Miranda?’ he asked.
‘No. But I’ve learnt there’s nothing I can do that will change things there,’ she said.
He saw her straighten her skinny shoulders, preparing herself. He was finding her more and more admirable. For someone who looked so frail and young and delicate she was showing a remarkable amount of spirit. He liked that about her. The fact she wasn’t going to give up.
‘My mother has never made any secret of the fact that I have been nothing but a problem. I spent years trying to atone for it but nothing I do has ever made any difference so now I try to ignore her barbs. Although at times I admit it’s difficult. But I certainly don’t want to dwell on her tonight. She doesn’t spend any time worrying about me. I’m going to return the favour.’
The Lockheart sisters were lucky to have each other, he thought; they certainly didn’t get a lot of love and attention from their parents. No wonder they were so close. He may not have had the same privileged lifestyle that the girls had had, in fact his family had struggled financially, but he’d never suffered from a lack of love and attention. His family was close, and even though more money would have made a difference to their daily lives, it wouldn’t have changed their relationships. Money could never replace love.
Bella reached out and took one of the spoons from his hand as he sat mutely contemplating their differences. ‘I suggest we eat chocolate and talk about something else,’ she said as she reached
for the bottles of tablets, shaking some enzyme-replacement pills into her hand before selecting several, which she swallowed with a mouthful of water.
He tried to stop staring but he was finding it difficult. He didn’t want to freak her out but he couldn’t think of anything to say and it took him a moment to even remember why he was there. ‘Let’s talk about your course application. I came to help you submit it.’
Bella looked startled, her grey eyes wide. ‘I appreciate your offer but you don’t have to help me, you know.’
‘Are you going to do it without my help?’
Bella shook her head and her auburn curls bounced around her shoulders. ‘No.’
‘Did you want me to come back tomorrow instead?’
‘Sam thinks I’ll be able to go home tomorrow. I’ll get Lexi to help me then.’
‘No, you won’t,’ he argued.
‘How do you know?’
‘If you were going to let Lexi help you, you would have done this ages ago. I’ve done all the research, we have chocolate, let’s get to work.’ He’d promised Evie he’d keep an eye on Bella. She needed distracting. Otherwise, despite her protests, he knew she’d dwell on her mother’s issues. Working on her application would provide a perfect distraction.
‘You’ve done all the research?’
He nodded. He liked to be prepared in everything he did. He didn’t like surprises. In his experience surprises were never a good thing. ‘I had a look at it in some more detail last night. It shouldn’t take too long to get it together.’
‘You looked at it last night?’ Bella raised an eyebrow. ‘Didn’t you have a date?’
Last night had been Wednesday, traditionally a big night with half-price drinks at Pete’s Bar, the local watering hole for hospital staff. Normally Charlie would have been at Pete’s. It was always a good place to hook up with an attractive woman, there were plenty of them at the hospital and plenty of them frequented Pete’s for drinks at the end of a shift. But he had promised to help Bella and he’d been keen to see her reaction when he arrived prepared. Besides, pretty nurses would be at Pete’s again the next time he called in.
