by Jane Porter
Rachel perched on the top rail of the corral, watching her boy circle around, his small back straight, his little hands clutching the pommel, and she could tell from the way he smiled that this was heaven. Life couldn’t get any better for him, and she’d seen a different boy here. One less anxious, one less detached and distracted, one more interested in the world around him. It was the ranch and the animals, but also Cade. He’d worked some kind of magic—just how or what she didn’t know.
Maybe he had started to grow his wings.
And around and around they went for nearly an hour with Tommy beaming the entire time, happy, so very, very happy.
How was she ever going to tear him away from this place?
She glanced at Cade, and her gaze took in his broad shoulders and strong, muscular legs, and she wondered how she’d ever leave him, because he’d worked his magic on her, too. But had he really changed? Could he be trusted? Could he be trusted with her son as well as her heart? She hoped so, but to be honest, she didn’t know. It was one of those things that only time would tell.
“Okay, last time around, Tommy,” Rachel heard Cade tell Tommy from the far side of the corral, “and then I’ve got to check on my cows before we take your mom to get her car.”
To Rachel’s surprise, Tommy didn’t protest about getting off the horse, and it wasn’t until he was pointing at Cade’s truck that she understood why. It turned out Cade had promised Tommy that he could ride along with him when Cade went to check on his cows in the west pasture.
“We won’t be long. I just want to make sure the new fence is holding. We’ll be gone twenty to thirty minutes at the most. Do you want to come?” Cade asked her.
Rachel hadn’t seen much of the ranch and would enjoy a drive, especially on a clear-sky day like today, but she’d had a call earlier from a couple wanting to book her for their wedding cake and she needed to phone the bride-to-be back. “I actually need to return a call. Are you comfortable taking Tommy on your own?”
“Of course,” Cade answered, lifting Tommy into the truck and buckling him into his booster seat.
She glanced at Tommy, who was staring off into space, a vacant expression in his eyes, lost again in his own world. “He should be okay with you,” she said.
“He’ll be fine with me.” Cade leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry.”
Rachel crossed her arms over her chest, fighting to suppress her fear. She was overprotective. Always had been. “See you soon?”
Cade laughed softly as he opened the truck door and climbed behind the steering wheel. “Relax. Nothing’s going to happen.”
* * *
BUT HE WAS WRONG, CADE THOUGHT, thirty-some minutes later. Something had happened. Tommy had vanished.
Cade spun at the top of the hill, his gaze searching through the scraggly shrubs and clustered oak trees for a little boy in a puffy blue jacket, but there was no sign of Tommy, or his bright blue jacket, anywhere.
Where was he? How could he have vanished? Cade had only turned his back for a minute—just long enough to hammer a couple more nails into a fence post—and when he’d finished hammering the fourth nail, he’d turned and called for Tommy, but Tommy didn’t answer. And when Cade returned to the truck to search the cab, Tommy wasn’t there, either.
Where could he have gone?
Cade tried not to think of all the streams and ponds on his property. Or the water troughs in every pasture. And then there were the hills with steep banks and jagged drop-offs. The holes that could swallow a small boy...
Cade reached for his walkie-talkie since his cell phone didn’t get the best service on his ranch and called Bill, his foreman. “I need you to go to my house and get Rachel. She’s on a call and doesn’t know you’re coming. You need to keep her calm and quickly bring her to me. I’m at the top of the hill overlooking the west pasture, where I was mending the fence earlier this morning—”
“Why do I need to keep her calm? What’s going on?”
“I’ve lost her son. I lost Tommy.”
* * *
RACHEL WOULD NEVER FORGET the next sixty minutes. She and Cade and Bill van Zandt tramped up and down the hills searching for Tommy. Rachel and Cade constantly called to him. Bill just hunted, inspecting every tree and rotted log and flattened bit of grass, checking for footprints without finding a single one.
The lack of footprints troubled Bill and he told Rachel it didn’t make sense. If there was no sign of Tommy’s footsteps leaving the grassy hilltop, perhaps he hadn’t walked away from the truck. Perhaps he was still in the truck...hiding.
Rachel ran all the way back to Cade’s truck because Bill’s words had struck a chord. Tommy liked to hide. He loved to play hide-and-seek. What if he’d tried to play hide-and-seek in the truck and gotten himself stuck somewhere? What if he’d gotten wedged in, or the strings on his jacket hood had gotten tangled on something...what if...
Bill radioed Cade as she ran, and Cade reached the truck before she did. Rachel reached the truck to find Cade searching behind the cab seat, and then crawling beneath the truck frame. He was under the truck for what seemed like forever before he let out a shout. “He’s here!”
Rachel’s legs nearly gave out as she leaned against the truck. “Is he okay?”
“He’s not moving,” Cade said shortly. “But he’s breathing.”
“What do you mean, he’s not moving?”
“I think...I think he’s asleep.”
Bill arrived then, and together they worked to ease Tommy out. “He’d wedged himself behind one of the tires,” Cade said as he settled a grease-stained Tommy into her arms. “But he doesn’t look hurt.”
Cade was right. Tommy seemed fine. Rachel, however, was not. She held Tommy on her lap during the short drive back to the ranch house, and then after inspecting Tommy once again in the driveway of Cade’s house, asked Cade to take them to her car now.
Cade shot Rachel a dozen different glances during the twenty-minute drive to Weatherford, but she never once looked at him or spoke to him, keeping her gaze averted and on the barren landscape outside his truck window.
“I’m sorry,” Cade repeated, having apologized at the top of the hill and then again in his driveway. “It shouldn’t have happened. I should have watched him better—”
“Yes, and you’re right,” she said tightly, cutting him short, unable to bear yet another apology because Cade didn’t get it. What had just happened was potentially tragic and fatal. If he’d climbed behind the wheel and returned to the ranch to get her, if he’d driven his truck any distance— She shuddered. “It shouldn’t have happened. And you should have watched him better.”
“I thought he was right there behind me.”
“But he wasn’t.”
“I only turned my back for a minute.”
She shot Tommy a quick glance over her shoulder. He was staring out the window, oblivious to everything, and at this moment, Rachel was grateful for that, but she dropped her voice anyway. “He could have died, Cade.”
“I know.”
She shook her head and bundled her arms across her chest, biting back the furious retorts that rose to her lips, because he didn’t know. Cade thought he knew, but he didn’t know, and that’s how Tommy had gotten lost in the first place. Children had to be watched. Children needed vigilant, attentive parents. Parents who wouldn’t get distracted. Parents who put their children’s needs first, and their own needs second.
And the tr
uth was, while she was upset with Cade, she was even more upset with herself. What was she thinking, sending Tommy off with Cade? Cade had never been a father. He didn’t know the first thing about raising children. But she did. And she knew Tommy wasn’t an easy child to manage. She’d known that he could be a handful, and yet she’d allowed inexperienced Cade to take her son with him...
Rachel was grateful to arrive at Phil’s auto shop, and she held on to Tommy’s hand while she paid Phil, and Cade quietly transferred Tommy’s booster seat from his truck into the back of Rachel’s Jeep.
Once the bill was settled, she put her purse into the car and buckled Tommy into his seat, aware that Cade was standing at her side, silently watching, waiting for her to finish so they could...what? Talk? And yet what was there to say? Was there anything for them to say? They’d made a mistake. This wasn’t going to work. She should have used better judgment...because truly, she had known better.
And that’s what she ended up saying to him—in pretty much those words. He hadn’t flinched at her announcement—thank God—but she could tell she’d struck a nerve, and she watched the emotion fade from his eyes and saw his strong jaw harden.
She gulped a breath, determined to get through this, and put an end to this once and for all. “So I don’t think we should see each other again,” she concluded lamely, shriveling a little under his now-glacier gaze. “I’m sorry. But I have to think of Tommy. Do what’s best for him.”
“And I’m not best for him.”
She winced at his harsh tone. “I didn’t say that.”
“But that’s what you mean, isn’t it?” His powerful shoulders shifted, his jaw jutting. “I don’t come from a great family. I haven’t had a lot of experience with kids. So no, I’m not daddy material, but I do care about him, Rache. And I care about you—”
“Caring isn’t enough. Words don’t matter. It’s one’s actions that matter. It’s the actions that count.”
Cade looked away, and he ground his teeth together so hard that a small muscle in his jaw popped. “I thought... I wanted...” He shrugged and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter what I thought, because you’re right. Of course you’re right. I’m not a parent. I don’t know how to take care of a child with special needs. Christ, I’m the guy that grew up in foster care. Don’t trust your child with me.”
And then he was walking away from her. Again.
Rachel watched him go, too stunned to speak. He was ending it with her? He wasn’t going to even fight for her?
Would he never fight for her?
She exhaled in a painful rush, her eyes stinging, her chest aching, and climbed into her car to leave Cade and the garage behind.
She refused to glance in the rearview mirror, refused to let herself feel anything. She couldn’t afford to feel anything, because if she did, she’d realize her heart was close to breaking...
It was at that very moment that Tommy realized they were in her old car and Cade wasn’t with them, and he let out one of his ear-piercing shrieks.
“Cade!” Tommy cried, his thin arm jerking, swinging wildly, gesturing back to the garage and Cade’s truck as she merged with traffic on the road.
Rachel sucked in a breath, fingers tightening around the steering wheel. “He’s got to go work,” she said, trying to sound calm, unruffled, even though her insides were lurching and her eyes were burning and all she wanted to do was cry. “And we do, too, honey. We need to go home and finish packing—”
“Cade house. Cade. Go. Mama.”
“We can’t. We’ve got to go home, to our house.”
“Cade house. Dogs. Mama.”
“Maybe someday we can get a dog—”
Tommy made an inarticulate sound, part yelp, part cry of protest, and her eyes burned with tears she wouldn’t cry. She was doing the right thing, ending things, going home now, going back to her life. It wouldn’t have ever worked with Cade. She knew it, and he knew it, too. Maybe one day they could be friends, but that time wasn’t now.
Tommy yelped again, louder this time. “Cade!”
“He’s going to go back to the ranch to work, Tommy—”
“Cade!”
Rachel clamped her jaw tight and gripped the steering wheel tighter. And then Tommy began to shriek, that blood-curdling shriek he did that went on forever, and it took every bit of Rachel’s strength to keep from crying as she drove them home. Stupid Cade. Stupid, stupid, stupid Cade. And stupid Rachel for loving him in the first place.
* * *
IT WAS SEVEN-THIRTY IN the evening and Tommy was finally, thankfully, asleep, after hours of banging and crying and screaming. Thank God they hadn’t moved into the apartment yet. Neighbors would have been complaining after the first hour, never mind the next six and a half.
Exhausted, Rachel went through the house, locking doors, pulling blinds on the quiet night. The floorboards creaked beneath her bare feet as she hesitated outside Tommy’s room, resting one hand on his closed door.
Their lives—never easy, rarely calm—felt overwhelming right now. It didn’t help that there was so much that was unknown...big questions and little questions. But the question that haunted Rachel most was the one about Tommy’s future. Would he ever be able to live independently? Would he ever be able to communicate with the world...function in the world?
And if he wouldn’t ever be independent, what would happen to him if something happened to her?
Who would care for Tommy if she couldn’t?
She’d never thought about his future quite like that before and it was frightening. Because even if she wanted to do it all on her own, she couldn’t. Tommy needed more than her. He needed a family...a mom and a dad, brothers and sisters, people who would love him and protect him. And maybe it was selfish, but she wanted to be part of a family, too.
For a moment there, she’d imagined starting that family with Cade...
Crazy, silly her. Crazy, silly her for hoping...wanting...needing...
Rachel turned out the hall light and went to her room and changed into pajamas and brushed her teeth for bed. But once in bed she couldn’t sleep. All she could think about, all she could see, was Cade.
Cade.
All-Around Cowboy. Broken cowboy. And keeper of her heart.
The days crept by, one after the other, Thursday, Friday, and then it was Saturday, and Rachel filled the hours of each day with packing box after box of kitchen utensils, toys, bedding, clothes, towels.
And in between taking care of Tommy and packing up the rest of the house, she told herself she was glad Cade hadn’t called, that it was better this way, ending their relationship this way, before things got even more serious, but Tommy didn’t seem to think so. He took every opportunity to ask for Cade, and then when she couldn’t produce Cade, Tommy had another meltdown, and the meltdowns were wearing Rachel down, so much so that on Saturday afternoon when Tommy started begging for Cade again instead of eating his lunch, she completely lost it with him, shouting back at him that Cade was gone and that he wasn’t going to see Cade anymore.
It wasn’t the wisest thing to do, nor was it kind, and so Tommy, hurt and frustrated, ran into his room and dumped out his bin of LEGO and then began pelting the walls with handfuls of LEGO pieces.
“Stop it!” she shouted at him.
He ignored her, throwing more at the wall and window.
“Tommy!”
More LEGO went flying.
“Tommy!”
“What’s
going on?” A deep male voice demanded from the hallway.
Cade?
Rachel stiffened and spun around to face Cade King. “What are you doing here?”
His hands went to his hips as his gaze swept Tommy’s LEGO-strewn room. “What’s going on in here?”
“You can’t just walk into my house,” she answered.
“I rang the doorbell. You didn’t answer.” He glanced at her, a black eyebrow lifting. “But then, it’s probably hard to hear the doorbell when you’re yelling.”
She nodded at Tommy. “He started it.”
“But you’re the adult.”
“I don’t want to be the adult anymore. I’m tired of being the adult. I want to have a tantrum now, too.”
Cade gave her a strange look and pushed past her to enter Tommy’s bedroom. Rachel watched him crouch down next to Tommy and say something to him. Tommy released his handful of LEGO and stared up into Cade’s face. “Dog?” he asked hopefully.
Exhausted, Rachel turned away and walked out, leaving Tommy and Cade together in her son’s room while she went to the kitchen and then through the kitchen door to the small backyard beyond. She was sitting in Tommy’s swing when Cade found her.
“I’ve never seen you lose it with him before,” Cade said.
“He’s been having a lot of tantrums lately and I’m tired.”
“Why so many tantrums?”
She tilted her head back to look up into Cade’s face, and her heart did a painful twist. She still loved Cade, didn’t she? “Tommy wanted you,” she said flatly, trying to smile but finding it impossible. “He didn’t understand why he couldn’t go see you and the dogs.”
“Do you want me to try to explain it to him?” Cade offered.
She planted her feet beneath her to keep the swing from moving. “And what would you tell him?”
Cade’s broad shoulders shifted. “That I love his momma more than anything, and I want to love him, too—”
