by E L Irwin
“All right.”
He sat me down then quickly headed back out of the bathroom. From his bedroom, I heard the sounds of papers rustling, and maybe drawers closing. Then he poked his head back inside and asked, “Uh, what are you planning to wear? After you’re clean, I mean? Did you need something to change into?”
Nonplussed, I just blinked my eyes in slow movements and probably looked pathetic doing so.
Ryler studied me briefly then said, “How about you stay in that for right now, then after your hair is clean, we can get you out of that, and you can finish cleaning up.”
I hadn’t thought about that before. The getting-undressed part. The changing of clothes part. I’d only been thinking about being clean. Now, I couldn’t think of any way to do this other than how Ryler was suggesting. “Okay.” I breathed, too exhausted for more than that.
Ryler helped me onto his office chair and wheeled it toward the shower.
Before starting, I told him, “Um, I think just my robe might be best for right now. That’d be easiest at any rate. It’s hanging in the closet.”
Ryler nodded as he left to get it. He was gone for a couple minutes, and I wondered if he’d been unable to find it. I was trying to figure out if I needed to go help him, and how I’d accomplish that task. But then he returned, robe over his shoulder, towels in his arms, and my shampoo and conditioner as well as my body scrub, and set those on the floor next to the shower.
“All right.” He rubbed his chin with the back of his knuckles, his eyes surveying all he’d prepared. His gaze landed on my walking boot. “Uh, that’s not a cast, but it shouldn’t get wet. Hang on a sec, I’ve got an idea.” Turning, he headed quickly from the bathroom once more. When he returned, he had a black plastic trash bag in his grip along with a roll of medical tape. “I’m going to put this on your leg then tape it thoroughly. That should keep the water out long enough to accomplish your shower.”
“Thank you, Ryler.” I took as deep a breath as my sore ribs allowed and said, “I feel like I say that a lot to you. But I really do mean it. Thank you.”
“Thanks aren’t needed,” Ryler replied as he worked efficiently. “But you’re welcome all the same.”
Surreal — I’ve always wondered what exactly that word would look and feel like. I’d certainly read the definition before but hadn’t truly experienced it yet. Until now. The water was warm, relaxing; the spray soothing. The thin cotton of the hospital gown clung to me like a second skin where the water and fabric met. Ryler’s hands held my head as they gently rinsed the water over my hair, as they scrubbed my scalp, cleansing me from all the dirt and blood. It was just very surreal. It brought to mind that scene from Out of Africa, where Robert Redford washed Meryl Streep’s hair.
When Ryler was finished, he moved onto my back, which I also couldn’t reach on my own. He helped me to sit up in the chair and to lean forward so he could reach the ties. I wasn’t able to lift my arm high enough to give him the access he needed, so he asked me if I was attached to the gown.
“No,” I told him on a breathy chuckle. Then he took out his knife and sliced through the back of the gown from top to as far as he could reach at the bottom. Carefully, so as not to cause me any more pain than necessary, he washed my back in gentle, circular motions. We were quiet, neither of us saying anything. And though the pain and the stress from everything was highly noticeable, tension was also making itself known. What Ryler did was not meant to be sexual in nature, but it stirred things. Desires. Whetted them.
Ryler then helped me to stand and made sure I wasn’t in danger of falling. “Can you get it from here?” he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. It brushed across the skin of my neck and shoulder, causing me to shiver.
Not trusting myself, I simply whispered, “Yes.”
“I’ll step out. Give you some privacy to finish up. Holler when you’re done, and I’ll help you get out of here. I’ll be right outside the door. Sit on the bench there if you need to.”
Again, I just nodded. Then I heard him go, and suddenly the room felt cooler. Almost empty. Breathing in through my nose then out my mouth, I tried to calm my racing heart. After a few moments, I carefully peeled off what was left of the wet gown. I just dropped it on the shower floor. I made as quick of work as I was able to get washed. Then, clearing my throat, I called Ryler back. Already, just this little bit of time on my own had left me exhausted, and I fought the tremors from fatigue.
“AJ?” Ryler called softly from outside the bathroom door. “I’m going to turn the lights off… to give you… so that… I’m just going to turn them off, all right?”
“Okay,” I whispered. My back was to the door. I heard it open. Then the lights turned off. He’d left the bedroom light on, though, so that we weren’t in complete darkness. The rustle of fabric sounded from behind me, then I felt the towel where he wrapped it around my shoulders.
Carefully, he patted my skin down, then he said, “I’m going to lift you now.”
Mentally preparing, I tried not to brace myself. Ryler was gentle as he gathered me into his arms, lifting, then setting me on the rug outside the shower. In silence, he finished drying me, starting at my feet and working upward. Kneeling, he carefully tore the plastic away from my leg, then tossed it in the trash. Again that tension returned. That heaviness in the air. The tingling along my skin as if each and every nerve ending were firing in undulating waves.
“Here’s your robe. You can let that towel drop.”
I did as he’d instructed and felt the cool air on my back just before the plush robe was placed across my shoulders. From behind me, Ryler helped me get my arms through the sleeves. I tied the belt as securely as I could with one hand, hoping it stayed together.
“Do you need anything else?” he asked, his voice gravelly. His body was a solid warm mass behind me, lending me comfort, offering me strength.
“I don’t want to be alone, Ryler,” I breathed.
I felt him tense up, lock down. Keeping one hand on my left arm, he carefully moved so that he now stood before me with questions in his eyes. Whatever look was upon my face must have answered those questions because he just nodded and said, “Finish what you need to do, then we’ll figure it out. I’ll wait outside.”
He turned to go, leaving me there wrapped in my robe. I heard the click as the door closed softly, yet firmly between us, but not before Ryler had flicked the light on, keeping his back to me the entire time.
Blinking my eyes, I turned, glancing around me. On the counter beside his sink was my toothbrush and toothpaste. Beside the shower was my crutch. I hadn’t realized he’d brought these in. The thoughtfulness nearly brought me to tears. Again. I needed to get this watery mess under control. After reaching for the crutch, I got it under my arm then carefully hobbled to the sink. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I had to concede that I wasn’t even registering as a hot mess. Nope. This was just a mess, plain and simple. My face was full of scratches and bruises and stitches.
Deciding I just needed to ignore my reflection, I brushed my teeth then turned the water off. Ryler must have been listening at the door because just as the water shut off, he knocked and asked if I was ready.
“Yeah,” I called.
“I figured we’d take the couch. I can prop your leg up on pillows, and there’s room for me there beside you.”
“Okay,” I said in barely more than a whisper.
Ryler ran a quick eye over me, assessing, then moved to me and once again, I was in his arms. He carried me out to the couch and gently set me down. After I was settled there, he returned to his room for a couple blankets. Then he was beside me, curling me tenderly into his right side.
Silence settled between us, and my muscles twitched, jerking as I tried to relax. After a several minutes, in a somewhat sleepy voice, I said, “You’re a safe haven, you know that, Ryler? You’re my safe haven.”
Ryler took a slow, deep breath. And I felt his lips as they pressed against my tem
ple and held there. I felt his arm around me tighten just a bit, and then sleep claimed me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I See You
The sun was already high in the sky when I woke up the next morning curled into Ryler’s side. I estimated the time to be somewhere around ten. That was really late for me, but then again, I’d just had the longest night of my life. Shiv lay beside me on the couch, lightly snoring with his massive head in my lap. Ryler’s heart beat steadily under my ear, bringing a warmth and contentment to me. From my vantage point, I was able to see his boots where he had propped them beside my feet on the coffee table. Last night, we’d been covered with the blanket, but at some point during the evening, the blanket had shifted. The right side of Ryler’s pants had ridden up. Confusion clouded my head as I tried to comprehend what I was seeing.
Where a leg or even his skin should have been, a black metal rod poked up from above Ryler’s sock. My head lifted slowly from where it had been resting on his chest, my gaze focused on Ryler’s boots. I tried to think of a time when I’d seen him without shoes on or in shorts. I’d seen him without his shirt, but that was it. That faint squeak I’d heard… All this time I’d thought he’d worn a leg brace, not a prosthetic.
Without looking at him, I knew the moment Ryler woke up. He went from relaxed to stiff as a board in less than two seconds. Moving tenderly, I sat up and turned to face him. Horror was dawning across his face as he saw where I’d been looking. Ryler shot off the couch faster than I could have anticipated. My ribs throbbed with his sudden movement. Shiv had jumped, growling from being startled awake. Now he stood between Ryler and me, trying to figure out what was happening. He wasn’t the only one.
Ryler’s chest was heaving, panic clearly evident on his face. He raked his hands through his hair, leaving it in disarray. “No, no, no, no…” he whispered.
“Ryler,” I began.
“No!” he fairly growled at me. His eyes were bright with unspent emotion.
“Ryler, just talk to me!” I responded, heat behind my own words.
Instead, he turned away and moved quickly down the hall, slamming his door behind him.
Shock left me cold then hot. This. This was what had been between us all this time. This was what sent him running from me each and every time we’d get close. Chief had said Lorna, Ryler’s wife, had left him, unable to handle the wounds and scars that he’d earned as a Ranger. She’d left him while he was still at the hospital. Left him before he’d even begun to heal. His wounds must go deep. Very deep. I needed to see him, talk with him, get him to understand his wounds and scars didn’t matter to me. They didn’t scare me. I didn’t see him as anything other than a beautiful, powerful man. My rescuer. My hero. My safe haven.
“Ryler!” I called from the couch. Shiv had lain back down, now near the closed door to Ryler’s room. Of course, Ryler didn’t answer me. Feeling determined and a little desperate, I gritted my teeth and climbed to my feet. Swaying for a moment, I considered my course of action. The hallway was about twelve feet from where I currently stood. I just needed to get there. My crutch must still have been in Ryler’s bathroom because I didn’t see it as I looked around. Taking a deep and painful breath and clenching my jaw tight against any pain, I hopped, balancing on my left foot. One slow, soft, aching hop at a time, I made it to the hallway. I was trembling and out of breath when I got there, but by golly, I made it.
After several long moments, when I felt rested enough, I used the hallway wall to continue my trek to Ryler’s door. Trying the handle, I found it to be locked. “Dang it, Ryler!” I slapped my palm on his door. “Open the door and talk with me! Please!”
Still, there was no sound from within. I didn’t know just how upset he was, if he was stable or not. Fear was making it hard for me to think clearly.
“Ryler, please!” I begged him, my forehead resting against the door as I fought against the panic that bubbled inside me. “Please let me in. Talk with me. Please.”
Without warning, the door jerked open, and I fell forward. Had Ryler not been standing right there, had he not been fast enough and strong enough, I’d have hit the floor. As it was, my ribs smarted, bringing fresh tears to my eyes. A sharp moan escaped my lips, and I tried to control my breathing.
Ryler cursed under his breath, “Dang it, AJ. Why didn’t you stay put? You could’ve hurt yourself.”
“Why did you run away from me?”
“You know why,” he growled.
“Because you’re ashamed of your leg, or because you think I’ll feel differently about you now that I know?”
Ryler stared down at me, those blue-gray eyes of his turbulent like storm-tossed waves. After what seemed like hours, but was in reality only seconds, he said, “You need to get off your feet, AJ. Doc said you need to keep that leg elevated.”
“Well, I’m too tired to hop back down the hallway. And I can barely breathe right now, my ribs are hurting so bad. And it’s all your fault.”
Ryler chuckled under his breath then said, “I’m sorry.” In what was soon becoming habit for the two of us, he carefully, tenderly lifted me in his arms. But this time, instead of taking me back to the couch, he carried me to his bed. Holding me with one arm, he pulled back the quilts and the slate-gray top sheet then set me down. Ryler helped position me against the headboard then came around the bed and climbed up beside me.
We sat quiet for several long moments, each of us unsure just what to say. Then finally, Ryler said. “You wanted to talk, AJ. So, talk.”
“Yeah, I did. Um…” I took a slow deep breath. “…Ryler, I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could trust me. You have to know that this doesn’t make any difference to me. At all.”
Ryler grunted under his breath. “It’s not that I didn’t trust you. I do. Maybe I just didn’t trust myself to be good enough for you.”
Shaking my head at that, I reached for his hand and said, “I see you, Ryler James Dean. I see you. And I’m not afraid. I’m not disgusted. I’m not turned off. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”
That caught him. Ryler was held. Hope warred with fear in his eyes as he gazed at me.
“Come here,” I whispered, trying to tug him closer. “It hurts too darn much to come to you, thanks to my hopping down your stupid hallway.”
He chuckled again then rolled toward me, his hands sliding over my face into my hair. “I see you, Ryler,” I breathed against his mouth, “and I want you.”
He kissed me then hungrily. Gently. He was so very careful with me. “I want you, too, AJ,” he muttered as he trailed heat down my neck to my collarbone.
My shivery reaction caused my breath to catch as my ribs complained.
“But I think we’ll wait for all that. You need to heal, and you need to rest. And I need to hunt.”
“Hunt? What do you mean by hunt, Ryler? You mean, like, go after Amber?”
“I mean, go after, find, and destroy the person who took a shot at you on my property.”
“Oh, so if it had occurred on my property, that would be just fine then?”
“You know what I meant.”
“Okay, but why do you need to hunt? Isn’t that for the police to do?”
“I’m not waiting on them. Besides, this is what I do. What I’ve been trained and conditioned for.”
“Ryler, I don’t know… Just, just be careful. All right?”
“I will. Now, are you hungry? How about I bring you breakfast in bed?”
That made me smile. I’d never had someone bring me breakfast in bed before. “That sounds wonderful actually.”
Ryler got to his knees then leaned over me. My heart lurched in my chest. Carefully, he placed one hand on either side of me, then lowered his lips to mine. Just a light touch. A promise of more to come. And a thought occurred to me, but I wasn’t sure how to ask him that. Ryler must have seen the question in my eyes because he nuzzled the skin below my ear and said, “What?”
I cleared my throat. “I, uh…
I was just wondering…”
“Wondering what?”
Trying to take a deep breath and failing, I stumbled over my words, “Can you… I mean… does everything still… What I mean to say is, can you, uh…” I shrugged. “Are you still able to… you know?”
“Am I able to…”
“You know.” I shook my head, my face inflamed, unsure just how to continue.
I caught the gleam in his eyes then. The heat, turning them to molten liquid. “Yes, AJ. Yes, I am fully able to.”
“Oh, good,” I breathed.
Ryler chuckled darkly under his breath then climbed carefully off the bed. “Rest, AJ. We’ve got time for that. I promise.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder toward the door. “I’m going to get you that breakfast.”
Nodding, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. Tried to think of something else. There were plenty of things for me to think about. Like Harley. I should check on her, check to see how Kevin is doing. But I’d need my cell for that. And now I couldn’t remember when I’d had it last. Certainly, before the incident. But where?
Thinking back, I tried to remember what I’d been doing before I’d stepped out to go walking that day. That day. It was hard to believe all that had happened just yesterday. I’d need to call my mom and Dave as well, let them know what had happened. And Leslie, too. I really needed my phone. Just when I’d reached the end of my limited patience and planned to go find said phone, Ryler returned with a tray of food.
“Uh, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Oh—” I started and flicked the covers back over me, surprised at his sudden reappearance. “—I, uh, I just needed my phone.”
Ryler set the tray down on the bed. “Then you ask me to get it. You don’t get up.”
