by Libby Doyle
This is heaven.
After they finished washing they got in the Jacuzzi and soaked in the hot, bubbling water. Zan sat against Rainer’s chest, between his legs. He folded his hands on her belly.
“I don’t think I’ve ever felt so relaxed,” Zan murmured.
“Good. You need to relax. You have such serious business to attend to all the time.” He wrapped his arms a little tighter around her.
A mist of intimacy clung to Zan for the rest of the day. She and Rainer made dinner together and watched the news. He showed her his many violins. Then he played for her, creating sounds so lovely that she lost track of herself. For all she knew, she’d been gazing at him like a love-struck teenager.
This soft feeling, I can’t tell if it’s wonderful or horrible.
Whatever it was, it didn’t make it any easier to start the conversation. The one everyone knew was necessary. The one everyone hated. She sat down at his piano, hoping to find the nerve.
“It’s easy to translate guitar to piano,” she said, tapping different keys. “I worked out a song once, but now I can’t remember.”
“I’ll teach you something.” Rainer put down his violin and joined her on the piano bench. He ran his hand lightly up her forearm. Zan leaned against him, suddenly consumed by the thought she would be shortly in his bed.
Now’s as good a time as any.
“Um, I need to, uh, ask you something.”
“What is it?” He looked perplexed.
“Are you disease free? I mean, well, you know what I mean. Have you been tested?”
“I’ve been tested in more ways than you can imagine,” Rainer said, seeming mildly affronted. Zan was about to protest that he hadn’t answered the question, but he didn’t give her the chance.
“I receive excellent medical care, Zan. I assure you, I’m disease free.”
“Good!” She ran her hand down the top of his thigh.
“You trust me enough to accept my answer?”
“I shouldn’t, but I do. What about you? You should’ve asked me last night.”
“You’re not the kind of person who would fail to tell me if you had a disease. You’re not the kind of person to be unaware.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
The thought occurred to Zan that they were both reckless, engaged in something so electric they could not escape its current.
“For the record, you’re right,” she said. She stared down at the keyboard. “You know, I’ve had STDs,” she blurted. “I was lucky they were the curable kind. Blind luck.”
Rainer grasped her shoulders to look her full in the face.
“We’re both lucky,” he said. He softly kissed her as he pushed some hair out of her eyes. “Now let me teach you.”
After the piano lesson, they went to bed even though it was early. Zan sat naked in the dim light. She preferred not to examine her feelings.
Remember, O’Gara. Libido to the rescue.
When Rainer came in from the bathroom she rose, put both her hands on his chest and guided him to the bed. He looked at her quizzically. She pushed him down and back until he was spread before her, a vision she perceived with her tingling skin as well as her eyes. This piece of muscular perfection lying there looking at her expectantly was hers to touch, wherever she wanted.
Zan climbed onto him. She kissed his neck, his chest, his stomach, running her hands over all the parts of him she could reach. She massaged his cock, already erect. Rainer groaned as she caressed him. She had never been with an uncircumcised man before. He was so long and thick and hard she wondered if she could manage.
I never wanted to please a man so much.
She put her lips on his tip, then gingerly covered his first few inches with her mouth. Rainer shifted and groaned. She licked her hand and put it around the base of his shaft to stroke him, while she took more of him in her mouth. Her tongue felt his pulsing. It grew stronger and faster as she moved up and down and around, using her mouth, her hands. She flicked her tongue, enjoying his pure taste and the silky smoothness of his tip.
Rainer spread his arms to the side, clutched the bed covers. A tremor ran through him. She loved the effect she was having, like she held his strength in her mouth, in her hands. It was intoxicating. When she rapidly licked the ridges along the edge of his foreskin, his whole body tensed. She did it again, exploring the ridges with her sensitive tongue, drawing it up to nuzzle his tip, then returning to the ridges, stroking him with a firm hand all the while. Rainer growled. He pulled her hair.
“I can’t stop it,” he said.
“Give it to me.” She put her mouth on him again, brought her tongue up hard. Rainer arched his back and cried out. Zan surprised herself. She kept him in her mouth and accepted what came from him. She had never done that before. He pulled her down beside him and put his arms around her.
“To be touched by you like this, it feels so good, so true,” he whispered, planting small kisses on her face. Zan snuggled against him.
This affection, mmmmmm.
When Rainer’s fervor had abated, he looked at her with big round eyes. She swore they were filled with gratitude, but she hardly thought she was the first woman to have done that to him.
“That must have been pretty good,” Zan said, chuckling.
Rainer sat up, bringing her with him. She could see his face in the faint light. The way he looked at her made her chest tighten with strange, pleasurable pain.
“Your touch—” he hesitated, appearing confused for a moment. “That experience has been, uh, hollow for me in the past. But not with you.”
Zan didn’t understand his reaction, but it was so different from her experiences with other men that it made her giddy.
“It was never like that for me either,” she said.
Rainer kissed her hand, then pressed it to his cheek. “I feel connected to you.”
He said this as if uttering a statement of great portent, in a tone so rich his words were all around her. She ran her hand along his leg.
“You know why I liked doing that to you?” she said. “I could see how you build up, notice your pulse, the little things that please you. It was satisfying, to know I could do that to you.” She reached out to touch his face. Rainer gathered her to him and rested his head on top of hers.
“Men must want to do that to you.”
“Yeah, at least the past few. They tried.”
“Do you know why?” he asked, his voice an intense whisper. “They are desperate to drink your strength and beauty, hold it within themselves and have it soothe their fear.” He moved so he could see her eyes. “I get to do it,” he said, holding her face between his hands. “Only me. I want it to be only me.”
Zan felt a warmth spreading through her she could not explain.
“Only you,” she whispered.
Rainer closed his eyes, exhaled, and then flipped her beneath him. He brought his mouth to hers and circled her tongue with his own before moving downward, tasting her on the way. Zan held still, quiet, entranced by the feel of his mouth. When he reached between her legs he raised her body and gently kissed her there, slowly caressing her with his tongue. Zan moved with him, offered herself to him. She mewled like a kitten. She couldn’t help it. Waves of warmth traveled through her body.
My god, I have no chance. I will never be the same.
When Zan woke up she was alone. She lay there, looking up at the light streaming in through the big windows. Now, she could identify that quivering feeling. Fear. She wondered if her emotions were real. Thoughts of devotion to Rainer had run through her mind all weekend. Then, she had actually said it out loud.
Do I mean it? I’m imagining things. I’ve got to slow this down. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
She went into the bathroom. As she washed her hands she examined herself in the mirror. She looked good, dewy and rested. She didn’t look afraid.
I kind of look like I just spent a weekend having t
ranscendent sex.
After she got dressed, she went downstairs to find Rainer making coffee. He kissed her, but she pulled away after a moment.
“I wanted to bring you your coffee in bed, but you got up too soon,” he said.
“That’s okay.” Zan sat at the kitchen table and looked through the newspaper. “You still get the Sunday paper.”
“Yes. I like to spread it out. I’m old-fashioned that way.”
When the coffee was finished, Rainer brought her a mug and sat across from her in the square of full sun that came in through the skylight. He grabbed a section of the newspaper. Zan peeked at him from the corner of her eye, his high cheekbones, his brilliant blue eyes. All she wanted was to touch him and never stop, but she felt paralyzed.
“Do you like the coffee? Nicaraguan,” he said.
“Yes, it’s delicious, thank you.”
“Looks like we’ll have brilliant weather today. We should go wander around Center City.”
“That would be good.”
They sat reading the newspaper. Rainer kept glancing at her. “You’re quiet,” he said. She grew angry with herself.
Stop acting weird, you coward.
“I know. I’m sorry, but this experience, it’s a lot to digest.”
“Have I made you uncomfortable?” He had a steady look in his eye, like he already knew the answer.
“No, not uncomfortable really.” Zan lapsed into silence again, trying to sift through a crowd of feelings.
“Some of the things you say to me, they’re so unexpected,” she said. “Most people are afraid to be so open.”
“I tend not to worry about the power dynamics of a relationship,” Rainer said. “I say how I feel. I can deal with the consequences.”
“You’re not afraid to be vulnerable.”
“I don’t consider it vulnerability. I consider it strength.”
Zan felt like she might cry. She tried to hide it.
“See, now, I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled. “I’m, uh, inexperienced. At least, uh, in a way. I haven’t had many relationships.”
“Neither have I. I’ve only had one romantic relationship that was anything close to serious, and it was a long time ago.”
“What happened?”
“The situation with her family meant that I would have had to change my life to be with her. I didn’t love her in a way that made me willing to do that, so I left her.”
“Did you break her heart?”
“I suppose I did. I broke my own as well.” This time the pain Zan saw was not fleeting. He let her take its measure.
“Do you regret it?”
“No. I did the right thing.”
“I’ve never had my heart broken. At least not by a romantic relationship.”
“There are many kinds of broken hearts, Zan. I can see your pain. You’ll tell me about it when you’re ready.”
Rainer gave her a melancholy smile. She had to look away.
I don’t even understand this. That’s what’s wrong with me this morning. This man is reaching right inside me. I have lost my mind.
CHAPTER 11
AS ZAN WALKED to work after stopping by her apartment, she tried to bring herself back to reality. The weekend had so profoundly affected her that she was nervous about trying to carry on as if nothing had happened.
Despite her fear, she hadn’t left Rainer’s side until she had no choice. Sunday had passed in a haze of tenderness and great sex. They had walked around the city in the sun observing all the people on the street. Zan no longer even felt of them. They went back to his place and had sex on the stairs, in the Jacuzzi and later in the bed, before falling asleep tangled in each other’s arms.
What did Mel say that time? I can tell her we fucked like tigers and we slept like swans.
The spell began to lift. She hoped she could function with some semblance of competence. After she arrived at work, she walked through the common area toward the office she shared with Mel, contemplating what she would say. She sat down at her desk but didn’t manage to say anything beyond good morning.
Mel stared at her. “Well, well,” she finally said. “I expected a phone call or something from you this weekend, giving me the lowdown on your date with Rainer. From your radio silence, I can only surmise you were with him all weekend.”
“Yeah. I just left him this morning.” Zan glanced at Mel and then down at her desk.
“And? I mean, I know you’re going to tell me it was the most incredible sex you’ve ever had.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because you’re fucking radiant. Or radiant from fucking, to be more precise.” They shared a laugh. “You’re also oddly subdued,” Mel said. “What’s up with that?”
“I’m kind of freaked out.”
“Oh no. Why? Is he weird?”
“No, no.”
How am I even going to articulate this?
“Mel, he is amazing. He’s just the most amazing man. I can’t even get my head around it.”
“The sex was that good, eh?” Mel said. Zan looked out the open office door. No one was nearby, but she got up and closed the door anyway.
“It’s not only that, but yeah, the sex. My god, the sex. You know, since I sobered up I was always going about sex like it was some kind of assignment, even with good men. I would do some stuff, hope the guy would do some stuff so that we’d arrive at some satisfactory result. But with Rainer, there was none of that detached thinking. My body started to hum the minute he looked at me. I just went with it.”
Her partner grinned. “I’m so happy for you. That’s the way sex is supposed to be.”
“Yeah, I guess I get it now.” Zan paced around. “I mean, when he was inside me I felt him in every part of me, and oh god, that sensation of being filled with him, ah, I can’t even explain it.” Zan reached out with open hands then pulled them in toward her body, clenching her fists and tensing her muscles. “I’ve never felt anything so satisfying.”
“Damn,” Mel said, looking like she was nervous Zan might break something. “I think what you had might be better than sex is supposed to be.”
“Ha! It is. It was. It’s crazy! The man is a masterpiece.”
“Wow. A masterpiece. You’re pretty gone, aren’t you? But I still don’t get why you’re freaked out.”
“I have no fucking idea.” She sat down.
“What the hell did that man do to you? I’ve never seen you so bewildered.”
“What if I fall in love with him?”
“Don’t be hasty now. You’ve known him for three weeks. Don’t confuse great sex with love. That can happen to a person.”
“I know, but it’s more than the sex. I started to get this feeling that I never wanted to leave. Like he was wrapping me up in warmth and pleasure and laughter and light.” Zan closed her eyes briefly, then snapped them open. “I’m fucking losing it, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” Mel said. “Look, maybe it’s not so bad. You just left him. Spend a little time away from him to see if you come down. Cool it with the sex for a while.”
“Hell, no!” Zan said with comic emphasis. “That ship has sailed. If I see him at all, I’m seeing him naked.”
“Well, at least don’t spend another weekend with him until you get your head together. Too intense for you.”
“Sounds like a plan, Mel.” Zan nodded in relief. “I can always count on you to calm me down when I’m feeling a little nuts.”
“You’re acting a little nuts, but I know just the thing to bring you back to Earth,” Mel said. She got up and opened the office door. “Since you didn’t get a chance on Friday, you need to write up a detailed report for Nguyen on your testimony at the RICO trial. Then you’re going to have to give him a nifty little presentation.”
“Oh, Christ.”
Mel snickered. “By the way, what’s your next move with the spleen case? I’ll try to handle as much of the straw purchasing stuff as I can, to free you up.
”
“Thanks, Mel, but it’s not necessary at the moment. I’m giving the bar owner some time to connect with the victims’ friends. I’ll let you know if anything changes. I appreciate your support on this, I really do.”
“Hey, you identified him. Now his family can be notified. That’s worth a lot.”
As the workweek wore on, Zan’s usual laser-like focus was a little fuzzy around the edges. Rainer had texted to tell her he would be out of town until Friday, which she counted as a fortunate thing, but that didn’t stop her from lying awake every night thinking about him. She struggled to understand what she was feeling, where it was coming from, if it was real.
By Wednesday she was so exhausted she fell asleep at a decent hour, but her restful night was not to be. Around 3:30 a.m., her cell phone rang. It was Jamal Williams, a detective with the Philadelphia Police Department. He told her that he and another detective had just arrested two suspected drug dealers, and in the course of searching their place, had discovered about fifteen handguns, all with their serial numbers filed down. He asked her if the FBI would be interested in that aspect of the case, and if she wanted to come to the scene to ensure a proper chain of custody for the evidence.
“Definitely, Jamal, thanks, but you know you’re supposed to call the task force liaison.”
“Why? He would just call you or Mel. Just get your fine ass over here.”
Zan said she’d be there as soon as she could. Jamal was a great detective, but he was not one for protocol. She’d have to call the liaison herself. The FBI and the Philadelphia Police often worked together on these kinds of cases as part of a task force initiated to reduce gang and gun violence. Jamal and the other detectives usually called in Mel and Zan when weapons were found in quantity.
Groggy, Zan pulled on her clothes. Hopefully, she’d run across a 24-hour store on the way over where she could grab some coffee. She headed down to her car.
Rainer has made me feel like I’m losing it, but if I don’t start getting some sleep, I really will end up in the nuthouse.
