“Ten years...” Connie shook her head. “How about a shrink? Maybe the problem is above her shoulders?”
“Well, we saw a therapist together for a while, who basically just made me feel like a real asshole for expecting any type of sexual contact. She basically made me feel like the sexually active part of my life is just over now—and I should accept it. Resign myself to being celibate from thirty-eight till death.”
“Wow,” Connie said, blowing out a breath. “That’s harsh—thirty-eight is the prime of your life! It seems so unfair—”
“Unfair” was a word he’d used himself a few times, but then he always dumped a bucketload of guilt onto his shoulders. I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. I’m a fucking asshole for feeling cheated.
“It’s not like I haven’t tried to talk to her about other options.” Those conversations did not go well. He was always the selfish asshole for even broaching the subject. “Well, I haven’t mentioned it for a few years now, but I did try...the first six or seven years. I’d be happy if she just touched me once in a while.”
“So she’s completely opposed to doing anything for you?” Connie questioned. “There’s no physical contact at all?”
He felt a pang as his heart squeezed in his chest. He heard echoes of their conversations filter in and out of his ears as he tried to fight back the emotions threatening to wreak havoc with his voice, his expressions. “Every time I brought it up, she either told me I was selfish and all I cared about was myself—or she threatened to divorce me. And not just divorce me, but to ruin my reputation as a doctor.”
Connie’s nose wrinkled. “But how would she do that?”
“Everyone in her family is an attorney. They’ve been known to get people in prominent positions fired. They have connections—both in the DC area and even over here on the Eastern Shore. It’s...well...I’ve felt trapped, to be honest. That’s why I haven’t filed for divorce.” He watched her expressions change as he explained the situation and was surprised to see that empathy had softened the wrinkles between her brows and the firmly set line of her lips.
“God, Luke...that sounds horrible. She sounds like she’s—” She stopped abruptly, her hand flying up to her chest as though the realization was painful.
“Like she’s what?” He leaned in, anxious to hear her thoughts.
“She sounds like my ex—he was a lawyer too, you know, besides being a politician. Everything was about him. You should hear how he justified his affair. It was ridiculous. We are sure he had narcissistic personality disorder and that he was emotionally abusing me.” She cleared her throat as her gaze traveled back to Luke’s. “And it sounds like your wife is doing the same to you.”
He pressed his back into the loveseat as he processed her words. He had considered a psychological diagnosis, but he’d never thought of himself as being abused. “But if I cheat...I am going to justify it too,” he finally said, still unable to wrap his head around her accusation. “Maybe I’m not any better than your ex.”
Connie’s lips parted as a little laugh bubbled out, somewhere between a scoff and a chuckle. “You haven’t had sex in ten years, Luke. Trust me, it’s not the same thing.” Her brows furrowed again. “Do you still love her?”
He didn’t hesitate. “No.” He backed it up with a firm head shake. “Not anymore. I fell out of love with her years ago...”
“I see.” She seemed to struggle to get those words off her tongue as she continued to stare at him, her eyes bouncing back and forth between his. “You don’t deserve to be treated the way she’s treating you. You know that, right?”
He scrubbed his hands down his face. “I don’t know if I believe you...but it does help to hear that. That’s what Cap said too.”
“And that’s why he invited you to the club?”
He nodded. “He said I deserved to have some fun.”
“But you can’t tell her, or she’ll—”
“Make my life a living hell,” he finished for her. “I know...it sucks. But I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it.”
She lowered her eyes to the floor as she slowly shook her head, lips pursed. “I wish there was something I could do.”
The way she said it...the longing in her voice...made Luke think she really meant it. But it was apparent she couldn’t act on whatever she might want to do to alleviate his pain, his need.
“So now what?” He looked up at her with hope shining in his eyes. “Have I ruined everything between us?”
She laughed, and he wished she was next to him instead of across the room. “You haven’t ruined anything...” She let her voice trail off as she examined him again with her blue gaze. “I know we just met, but it’s already so complicated between us...”
“I know,” he agreed. “And I’m sorry for that. It’s completely my fault.”
“I moved back to Maryland thinking it would simplify things: a new, less stressful job; a new, smaller place. Out with the old, in with the new. I did hope to start dating...maybe find a nice retired sugar daddy.”
He laughed. “So maybe I should come back for you in fifteen years when I’m retired and can finally divorce her.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “You think that will happen? In fifteen years?”
He shrugged. “Well, I’m forty-eight now. In fifteen years, I’ll be sixty-three. I might be able to retire then. Or I might have to wait until I’m sixty-five. We’ll have to see how the money holds out.” He gave her a wink.
“You’re only forty-eight.” The way she said it made it impossible to determine if it was a statement or a question. Either way, she seemed surprised.
He nodded. “Is that a problem?”
“Not for you,” she retorted. “I didn’t realize you were so much younger than me. Hell, I just about robbed the cradle the other night.”
“Well, you don’t look fifty-nine. That is for damn sure. I would have never guessed you were any older than I am.”
“Really?” Her eyes crinkled as a smile spread her lips. “Flattery will get you everywhere, you know...”
“Will it? Because there’s plenty more where that came from!” He wanted to go to her, pull her onto his lap, brush his lips against hers. Then he wanted to throw her down on the bed and ravish every inch of her body as she cried out his name.
She blushed as though she’d heard his private thoughts. He couldn’t imagine she could look more beautiful or more youthful than the night he met her, but sitting there in the overstuffed chair across the room from him with a natural smile lifting her cheeks and a glowing rose shade spreading across her light golden tan, she was. She was everything Barbara was not.
How could he have just met her a week ago, and already it was so undeniably apparent she was everything his wife was not: giving, caring, independent. Sexy. Fun!
They were all things he had convinced himself he didn’t deserve.
But she seemed to be saying perhaps he did deserve them, after all. Maybe he did deserve love. Intimacy. Connection.
Just not with her.
SIX
If your partner won’t f*ck you, one person doesn’t have the right to unilaterally declare another person’s sex life over. – Dan Savage
When Luke pulled into his garage, there were several thoughts competing for his attention. Alfie would need to be taken out to do his business. He had still never managed to cancel the credit card with the fraudulent charges. And, despite the urgency of both of those duties, he couldn’t get Connie out of his head.
They had left things on a good note. A solid understanding. He felt good about it, even though he wished there was another outcome, maybe one that involved taking off their clothes. He had a feeling if Connie didn’t work for him, she might have been swayed by his story. Even though she maintained a professional demeanor, he could see the interest flashing in her eyes. He would bet a million dollars it was there.
Just seeing that sparkle in her eyes filled him with a slight sense of vindication, aff
irmation. Even knowing someone wanted him if only the circumstances were different was something. It wasn’t enough; it wasn’t going to make the longing go away, but it helped, if even only a tiny bit.
He let all the fantasies of what he would have done to Connie in her apartment had she acquiesced to his charms rush over him as Alfie pulled him down to the edge of the bay. The gentle waves lapped at the sandy edge, and the wind tousled the tall grasses that rose from the dunes at the edge of his property line. It was such a tranquil scene, especially compared to the scenes playing out in his imagination.
There were cuffs. And floggers. Sweat on his brow and a grimace on her face as Connie fought her urge to come. No, it was beyond urge in his imagination. It was a need. A need as desperate as his own.
He was as sure she was submissive as he was that she was attracted to him. There was something there telling him she would bow to him if she let herself. That she would give herself completely to him.
After the walk with Alfie, he tackled the credit card issue. He had to argue with the customer service representative about how long some of those charges had been accruing on his account, but the card had a zero liability guarantee. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice the card number had been stolen until this morning,” he claimed.
After he was told the card would be shut off, he decided to go ahead and pay the bills while he was in financial mode. Maybe it will take Connie off my mind, he rationalized.
He pulled up his online banking information and began looking through his accounts. He glanced at the list of them, all through the same bank, and noticed one of his savings accounts had nearly been cleared out.
His eyes widened as he struggled to make sense of what he was seeing. He pulled up the account and took a look at the transactions. Like the credit card, there were frequent withdrawals in smaller amounts: $200 here or $400 there. Over the past twelve months, a total of five thousand dollars had been withdrawn, leaving less than one thousand remaining. This was the savings account they had used for their daughter’s wedding, but most of that money had been spent months ago, the biggest chunk to pay the venue, and that had been withdrawn over a year ago.
What the hell was going on?
He pulled out his phone and dialed his wife’s number. Surely she would have some sort of explanation. Her phone rang and rang before going to voicemail, but when the beep sounded, a text came through. Luke disconnected the phone call and went to see who the text was from. Maybe she was unable to answer and was responding via text instead.
But it was a message from Cap: Hey, any interest in coming out to the club tonight? Tam and Bry wanted to get to know you a little better. Wink.
He was amused Cap had sent the word “wink” and not an emoji like Luke’s daughter would do. He actually spelled out the word.
Could he really handle that place two nights in a row? His groin suddenly decided to interject its willingness to try. He still hadn’t gotten relief from his last venture, but maybe tonight would be the night?
While he was debating about how to answer Cap’s message, another text came through from Connie: Are you going tonight? Casey just asked if I wanted to come.
So now he had Cap and Connie both asking. Alfie whipped his head toward him from the other side of the room, staring at him intently. He felt bad leaving his canine companion the whole night after being gone most of the morning. But who knew when he’d have a whole weekend to himself again?
“I’ll take you down to Assateague tomorrow, okay, boy?” he promised the collie, who tilted his head as though he understood. His tongue lolled out of his mouth as he panted; it almost looked as though he were smiling.
“Let’s get you fed,” Luke said, which sent the dog bounding off his perch on the sofa and propelled his four shaggy legs directly into the kitchen where his food and water bowls were kept. “I have a special treat for you too.” Luke pulled his leftover steak from the night before out of the fridge and dumped it in the dog’s dish.
Then he went to find something to wear.
He had tried to alleviate his problem again before leaving for The Factory. He’d pulled up some BDSM porn and was studying the way the Doms directed their subs. It wasn’t that the videos weren’t arousing; it was just that he couldn’t quite push himself over the edge. Even thinking about Connie didn’t help. His dick didn’t seem to want to settle for anything but the real thing—which was pretty cruel considering how long it had been since he’d experienced the real thing.
“Stubborn bastard,” he muttered under his breath as he made his way across the crowded parking lot and into the club. He would have never thought a few weeks ago he’d become a regular at a swinger club.
Or rather, a lifestyle club, as Cap called it.
He’d spilled his guts to Cap when he was in his office for his annual check-up. Luke had done surgery to fix Cap’s deviated septum and correct some other sinus issues, and every year he came in to make sure all was still well. Cap had seen the photos of Luke’s wife and kids and asked him how things were going now that he had an empty nest.
They’d had an empty nest for five years now. Five years ago his son had left for college. Now he was in medical school, preparing to follow in his father’s footsteps. His daughter had a business degree and was working in marketing for a company in the Washington DC area, Northern Virginia, to be exact. He was proud of both of his kids, but the empty nest was a constant source of melancholy for him.
Cap had caught him off guard. He admitted to it pretty readily, which led his friend to quiz him about his marriage. One thing led to another and he was admitting to Cap how long it had been since he and Barbara had done the deed. There is just something about Cap that sets you at ease, makes you want to talk, Luke realized. He’d wanted to beat himself up for spilling so much personal dirt to Cap, but Cap was intrigued. And he wanted to help, which was why he’d extended the invitation to his club.
“Look, I know how tough marriage is,” Cap had said in his slow Eastern shore drawl. “I was married before Leah, and that was a total disaster, but at least I have my daughters. There was a huge horrible thing I was accused of doing that I didn’t do, but that’s water under the bridge now. My ex and I get along okay now—but it took a lot of time for us to heal. Then I met Leah, and she’s a lot younger than me. So I started over—we got married, had a son, and then we had the twins, which was completely unexpected. I love that woman with my whole heart, but there have been rough patches—I’m not gonna lie to you, brother. It’s just part of marriage.”
Luke had nodded in agreement, though his own marital discord went far beyond “a rough patch.”
But that was Cap’s point. “We always manage to get back on the same page, though. And now that the twins are a few months old, it’s been crazy exhausting, and we hardly ever get alone time—but it’s all totally worth it. I have zero regrets.” Though his eyes wandered off to somewhere beyond the exam room, the smile on his face proved he’d traveled somewhere nice. Then his smile faded as his gaze returned to his doctor. “But it sounds to me like your wife doesn’t want to try anymore. She doesn’t want to fix things.”
“Well, she does have some medical issues...and ‘in sickness and in health’ and all that,” Luke had argued.
“Maybe so, but it doesn’t give her the right to decide that you’re never having sex again. Seems like you should be able to come up with some sort of compromise...even if it’s a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ kinda thing. You’re sacrificing a lot to take care of her, aren’t you? You can’t bear the entire burden. You deserve a break, something for yourself.”
That’s when Cap told him about The Factory and their “single guy” policies.
Luke checked in and surrendered his booze to the bartender. It was beginning to feel routine, strangely enough. He waved to Sirena and Jessie, whom he’d met the night before, and then Paisley came around the corner with a tall light-skinned black man. She was wearing another sheer babydoll like she’d worn th
e night before, but this one was a beautiful jade color that accentuated her blue eyes and dark, wavy hair.
“Hey, Luke!” she said with a smile glowing on her face. “I want you to meet my husband. This is Calvin.”
Luke extended his arm to shake the tall man’s hand and immediately noticed his striking light-colored eyes. “Nice to meet you, Calvin.”
“Likewise.” He gave a small smile then bent down to whisper something in his wife’s ear. She nodded.
Casey came through the behind-the-scenes area just moments later, but she didn’t have Connie in tow, much to Luke’s dismay. He felt his heart literally sink when he realized she wasn’t with her sister. Maybe she decided not to come after all? he wondered. He fought the urge to pull out his phone and read her last to text to him when she said she’d see him there.
Casey pulled Paisley off toward the club’s offices while Calvin took a seat next to Luke at the bar. “They’re conspiring about the pool party next weekend,” Calvin explained. He winked and ordered a drink from the bartender.
“Oh, yeah, I saw the pool. That’s pretty cool. Is that a new addition to the club?” Luke questioned.
Calvin grinned. “Yep. I’ve been interviewing lifeguards this week.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, I should have explained that I’m the Head of Security here.”
“Oh, okay.” Luke gave him an interested grin, but his mind was still wondering where Connie was.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to find lifeguards over the age of twenty-one and open-minded about this whole lifestyle thing? Pretty much next to impossible.” Calvin buried his hands in his palms to show his frustration then lifted his head as soon as the bartender delivered his much-anticipated drink.
“I can imagine. So how did you get a job like Head of Security at a swinger club?”
Turning the Tide (Eastern Shore Swingers, #5) Page 7
