by Dana Piccoli
“You poor, poor, thing,” Maddy cooed. “Mmm, that feels amazing, don’t stop. When did you lose your virginity?”
“Nice segue,” Nat teased. “Really, you want to go there?”
“Yup.”
“Fine. Okay, I was eighteen. It was my freshman year of college. She was my TA for music theory.”
Maddy sat up. “Whoa! Now that’s saucy. You basically lost your virginity to your teacher?”
“No, she was my TA. A grad student. She was twenty-two and it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“Did you get an A?”
“I got a B. But it had nothing to do with it,” she said, feeling her face turn red with embarrassment.
Maddy wiggled her eyebrows. “Hot for teacher. You little minx.”
She sighed, knowing Maddy was getting a kick out of her reaction. “Fine. What about you?”
Maddy chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. “I was…twenty? She was a German tourist who swept me off my feet for about seventy-two hours. We did it in her hotel room the night before she left to go back home.”
“Wow, that’s kind of romantic. And sad.”
“Oh, it wasn’t sad to me. I was in no place emotionally to get involved with someone. I hadn’t even looked at another girl since I’d left home. It was…a blessing. It was sweet, and it felt good and there were no expectations. It did at least confirm to me that I liked girls and that would always be a part of me.”
“What was her name?”
Maddy looked at her thoughtfully before answering. “Frederica. Freddie.”
She raised her cup of tea. “To Freddie, who gave you a wonderful gift.”
Maddy leaned over and kissed her. “You never cease to amaze me, Natalia. You are the only person I know who would propose a toast to the woman who took my virginity.”
She shrugged. “We all have a history. It makes us who we are. Okay, back to you, Pastry Princess. What’s your absolute favorite thing to make?”
She looked exasperated. “That’s like asking me to pick my favorite kid.”
“Do you have children?”
“Oh yeah, you didn’t notice them in the front closet?” She smiled. “Well, I love those cookies I made for you that first night.”
“Best cookies I’ve ever had. In my life. I swear to Betty Crocker,” Nat said, with her hand over her heart.
“Thank you, I love them too. But if I had to choose it would be pain au chocolat.”
“Why?”
“Because they take a lot of work. You have to be careful. All the elements have to be right. If the butter melts too soon, you won’t get those beautiful layers. You’ll end up with a bready mess. It takes patience and practice. Then you have this piece of bittersweet chocolate that comes in and shakes things up. Elevates it. I love that bitter, sweet and buttery element.”
“God, now I’m starving. And sort of turned on.”
“Well, then I’m doing something right. Now, tell me, why did you leave Nashville?”
“Good question. I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Nashville is great. It’s a fun place and the talent there is amazing. You can’t even go to an open mic without hearing the next big thing. But I often felt like something wasn’t clicking. I was writing a lot for other people, as you know, and it was satisfying to a point. Then one day, I was at the Bluebird watching someone sing a song I wrote, and I started crying. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t mine anymore. I didn’t want to keep handing my songs—my dreams—away to someone else. So I came to NYC and it’s hard and it’s dirty and the people aren’t always nice, but it’s where I need to be. New York reminds me every day of what’s at stake, and I need that in my life. And Maddy, I have to tell you something and I hope it doesn’t change the way you feel about me.”
Maddy’s brow furrowed. “What is it?”
She swallowed hard. “I hate…herbal tea.”
Maddy threw her head back laughing. “You shit! Why didn’t you say something?”
“I didn’t want to lose my lesbian street cred. They love tea. I feel like such a failure.”
“Oh baby, don’t worry about that because you are super gay,” Maddy said as she bopped her on the nose.
“Thank god. I would hate to think that all those lessons my parents paid for had gone to waste.”
“No more herbal tea. I promise.”
“You’re a lifesaver.”
She switched out her tea for a seltzer and the two talked until three a.m. before Maddy’s eyes were heavy and it was time to go to sleep.
“Stay the night,” Maddy said before she leaned in and kissed Nat again.
“Okay.”
Nat stripped down to her underwear and crawled under the comforter with Maddy.
“Nat?”
“Mmm?”
“Like, no tea at all or just herbal tea?” Maddy asked, her eyes closed but a smile on her face.
“Go to sleep, beautiful,” Nat said as she squeezed Maddy tight.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“I don’t know. I think we have a tight set already and I’m not sure I would change anything about it,” Nat said as she popped a spicy tuna roll into her mouth.
Nat, Jackie, and Paul sat at a sushi spot close to the studio, finalizing their set before they headed to Europe. They would play Philadelphia the next day and then head straight to London after the show.
Paul tossed back his sake. “Yeah, I agree. It’s a good set. I don’t think the audiences there are quite as familiar with our stuff as the ones here, so let’s stick to the songs we know are hits with any audience.”
“Works for me,” Jackie added as she picked up a piece of sashimi and dunked it in soy sauce.
“Jackie, are your parents going to come to our London show?” Nat asked.
Jackie rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. They want to see me, but they’re still not keen on this rock business.”
“Bring them to me. I’ll charm their pants off,” Paul offered.
“Paul darling, I don’t want to scare them any more than they are already. This is…” She waved her hand in a circle in Paul’s direction “…a lot.”
Nat laughed. She was excited about introducing a new audience to the band, but she had a little lump in her throat when she thought of not seeing Maddy for nearly a month, but that was the life of a musician. Thankfully, Maddy understood and respected that.
Paul tapped on the table. “Nat, you know Oliver and the label will want a full album of new material by the time we get back.” She twisted her mouth into a grimace. “I get it. We all go through it. If I could write the stuff I would, but I don’t have your skills. We’ve got to pull together and get this new album ready or we’re screwed. I know you need a muse or whatever, so how come now that you have Maddy, you’re still not writing? I don’t want to be that guy, but you wrote like crazy when you were with Melissa.”
Paul’s words stung like an angry swarm of bees. What he said had weighed on Nat for a while now. She thought she had found her muse in Maddy, but right now the songs were still just floating around her head unfinished. What was she doing wrong? She was so happy but she wasn’t creating anything. She needed to buckle down and figure this out.
She nodded at Paul, even as it hurt to look him in the eye. “Yeah, I know. I really do. I don’t want to let any of you down. We’ll have an album. I promise.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nat hovered over a naked Maddy, planting kisses on her neck. Maddy shivered with delight as she zeroed in on the sensitive spot right beneath her jaw.
“Mmm, what am I going to do without you for three weeks?” Maddy purred.
Nat made her way lower and peppered Maddy’s breasts and abdomen with feather-soft kisses.
Maddy continued. “How am I going to make it a day without seeing your gorgeous face and your crazy hair?” Maddy playfully fluffed Nat’s bangs.
She flicked her smiling eyes to Maddy, as she ventured even lower.
“And t
hat thing you do with your ton…oh.” Her voice trailed off as Nat demonstrated her point. Nat made love to Maddy for the next half hour, knowing she was pushing her luck with her travel schedule, but not giving a damn. She lavished attention on her body, running her tongue slowly from Maddy’s clit to her opening, then plunging inside her, causing Maddy to thrash and moan. She sucked and licked and took her sweet time until Maddy came, glistening with perspiration. She kissed away the tiny beads of sweat between her breasts. Salty and sweet, and perfectly Maddy.
When Maddy couldn’t take anymore, Nat settled beside her, covering her gently with a sheet. Then she took Maddy’s face in her hands and kissed her softly. “I will call as often as I can, and I’ll email and text you all the time. You will be completely sick of me by the time I get back.”
Maddy pushed her shoulder playfully. “I couldn’t get sick of you, Natalia. You walked right in and set up shop in my heart.” Maddy paused, her eyes softening. “I like you. Like, really like you.”
Nat stared back at the beautiful woman in her bed, exposed inside and out. She was flooded with emotion. Was she hoping for an “I love you” or relieved that Maddy hadn’t gone there yet? She could feel her pulse pounding in her ears, her neck, her toes. After so many wrong calls and disappointments, she had given up hope that something magical was possible. But now, this amazing creature beside her was giving herself completely to Nat. This was turning into something that looked and felt a lot like love. She took a deep breath. Nat took Maddy’s hand and kissed each knuckle. She gazed back into Maddy’s hazel eyes. She felt so much affection pulsing through her body. Nat knew she loved Maddy. “I really, really like you too, Madeline.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Nat was invigorated from the show. For all her bitching and moaning about going back on tour, the stage was where she came to life. Now she also had something to come home to—Maddy. She slid, exhausted but content, into her dressing room chair. Jackie and Paul would be drinking beer and doing shots with the crew in the green room and she needed a few minutes to breathe. They would be taking the early flight to Heathrow in the morning, and she was debating just pushing through the night so she could sleep on the flight. She picked up her phone and smiled to see a voice mail from Maddy waiting for her. Before she had a chance to press play, there was a knock at the door. She called over her shoulder, “Come on in, it’s open.”
“Great show, Natalia. Nice to see you haven’t lost your touch.”
Her stomach dropped when she heard the unmistakable voice. She turned in her chair to face Melissa Hartford, who stood in the doorway, arms crossed. She wore tan cowboy boots and a dress covered with a daisy print, her dark hair much shorter than Nat remembered.
“Going for the hipster Laura Ingalls Wilder look these days, Mel?”
Melissa chortled and licked her bottom lip. “You always did make me laugh, Nat.”
She shifted in her seat, irritation rising within her. “So, what do I owe this…this?”
“Well, I saw the show. I like your new lineup.” Melissa’s words were lined with daggers.
“Yeah, I kind of needed a change. Jackie’s fantastic. I’m very lucky.”
“Are you fucking her?” Melissa asked, without any emotion on her face.
Nat was taken aback. “Well, not that it’s any of your goddamn business, but no. She’s straight anyway.”
“Hmm, give it time. That’s always been my experience.”
She stood, uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, and leaned against the dressing table. “Why are you here?”
“I’m sorry. We got off on the wrong foot. There’s always been something about you that sets me to extremes. You look good, Nat. Are you well?”
“I’m good. You cut your hair.”
Her hair was now cut close on the side, curls cascading over her forehead. She brushed a few strands aside and looked back at Nat, her eyes flashing. She had always loved the blue-gray shade of her eyes, but now she just thought they looked cold, like a frozen lake or the ocean right before you drown.
“You know,” Melissa said as she picked at some flaking paint on the door frame, “There was something about you tonight. You seemed, I don’t know, especially energized.”
“You’d be surprised what nearly a year without seeing your girlfriend go down on your best friend will do to a person’s attitude.” Nat said, her voice flat.
Melissa pursed her lips and nodded. “I deserve that. I do. You know Lara didn’t mean anything to me. It was just a moment.”
“And somehow, that makes it ten times worse,” she responded, adding a fresh coat of lip balm.
“Okay, can we please start this conversation over?” Melissa asked, her eyes less cold now.
Nat shrugged. “Fine.”
“Nat…Natalia… I know that Oliver spoke to you about a possible joint tour. I want you to give it another thought.”
She stiffened and crossed her arms. “There’s nothing to think about.”
“Listen, my last studio album didn’t perform as well as I’d hoped.”
“Well, maybe that’s because you were busy performing other things.” She hoped that stung, and from the look on Melissa’s face, it did. “I’m sorry, I truly am. You are a talented musician, Melissa. I’m sure things will turn around for you.”
“Despite everything, you can’t pretend that we don’t have something special on stage, Nat.”
“Had something,” she corrected.
Melissa sighed, her hands dropping to her sides. “I just think this could really be mutually beneficial, boost both our sales and—”
“I don’t care about the money.”
“Damn it, Nat! It’s not just about the money!” Melissa pounded on the door frame.
Nat was surprised by her outburst. Melissa took a few steps toward her. “I fucked up, okay? I fucked it all up. I’m a life ruiner. I broke your heart and I broke my own. Just please, please don’t shut me out right now.”
For a moment, Nat felt a pang of sympathy for Melissa. She reached out a hand and touched Melissa on the arm to comfort her. “We can’t change the past. No need to beat yourself up about it. It’s over now,” she said softly, patting her arm.
Melissa looked up at her. “It doesn’t have to be.”
With that, Melissa kissed her on the lips. Nat was shocked and leaned back until her head hit the mirror behind her, hoping it would break the kiss, but it didn’t. Suddenly, her head filled with memories of Melissa. The taste of juniper on her lips from the gin and tonics she so loved. How the perfect blend of their voices would send a shiver down her spine whenever they sang together that summer.
Then as quickly as it came, the feeling dissolved into little pebbles of memories, raining down and skipping in all directions until her head was clear again. She gently pushed Melissa back. When she looked over Melissa’s shoulder, she saw a figure in the doorway. Maddy stood there, looking as if she’d been shot through the heart. She turned on her heels and walked out of sight.
“Shit!” Nat swore and chased after her, down the dark hallway that smelled of stale beer and mildew. She caught Maddy’s elbow before she reached the stairs but Maddy wrenched out of Nat’s grasp. Her eyes were wet with tears.
“Maddy, that was not what it looked like. I swear to god!”
“I am so stupid. So, fucking stupid!” she spat between sobs.
“No! You’re amazing! It was just a misunderstanding. Please let me explain…”
“I don’t know what I was thinking, falling in love with a musician. I always knew there was a possibility that you’d cheat on me while you were bored and lonely on tour. I just didn’t think it would happen on the first goddamn night!”
“Whoa, Maddy sweetie, you have it all wrong.”
“That was Melissa Hartford, wasn’t it?”
Nat paused. “Yes.”
She laughed angrily. “Perfect. How am I supposed to compete with that anyway? She gets you, doesn’t she? Me? I’
m just a boring girl from Montana that bakes you fucking muffins.” She turned and walked up the stairs. Nat was beside herself, not knowing what else to say.
“But I love your muffins! I love you! Please, don’t leave!” Nat shouted after her but it was too late. She slipped through the stage door and disappeared into the crowd. Nat held her head in her hands, kicking the wall with her heel. She had no idea how everything had gotten so sideways. She didn’t want Melissa. All she wanted was Maddy, and now she was gone.
She walked back to the dressing room to find Melissa still waiting for her, sitting in her chair. Now this time, Nat stood in the doorway.
“Wow, well that was awkward,” Melissa said, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
“You know, you were right, Melissa,” Nat said quietly, her eyes downward.
Melissa smiled at Nat’s admission. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she replied, lifting her eyes to meet Melissa’s. “You are a life ruiner. Now kindly get the hell out of my dressing room.” She gestured to the door. Taken aback, Melissa got up slowly and walked past Nat without another word. Nat closed the door behind her and sat down. Her voicemail from Maddy was right there on her phone’s home screen. She pushed play.
“Hi baby, so I couldn’t help myself! Paul got me into the show, so I drove to Philly! I wanted one more kiss before you fly across the ocean. I know you’re going to be amazing. I’ll be out there, cheering you on. Break a leg. Paul will bring me backstage after the show. I can’t wait to see you… I love you. I love you like crazy. Okay, bye!”
Nat saved the message and pushed the phone away.
“Fuck.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
They were halfway through their flight to London and the plane was quiet except for an occasional cough or snore. Nat hadn’t slept a wink, despite the Klonopin and Jack and Coke she hoped would push away the awful memory of Maddy’s tear-stained face. Across the aisle, Jackie slept peacefully with her eye mask and neck pillow perfectly placed. Next to her, Paul’s face was bathed in the soft glow of his computer screen. He was engrossed in whatever show he was binge-watching.
