“Shawn. Early twenties. A chocolatier. Goes to culinary school.”
Her pale blue eyes widen as her already-alabaster skin goes pure white. “How do you know him?”
“Is there a chance I’m not Oliver’s father?” I ask much louder than I should.
“Come inside,” she says, her voice cracking.
“Answer me. Now!”
“Are you trying to disturb the whole building?” She peers out to the hallway and grabs my shoulder, bringing me into her apartment. She turns to face me with her hands on her hips. “I don’t need my neighbors hearing our private conversation.”
“This doesn’t have to be private if I’m the father. If I am, you should be shouting it from the rooftops. Every single person should know without a doubt that I’m Oli’s dad. The only reason you wouldn’t want anyone to hear this conversation is if I’m not. So, tell me, Lauryn, am I or am I not the father?”
She closes her eyes, and instead of seeming annoyed by my question, as one would when falsely accused of something, I see hesitation. It’s the type my clients give before they’re about to lie. Or worse, when they’re going to confess.
“I don’t know.”
I feel the air leave my body as my heart plummets down to my stomach. I run a hand through my hair as the other grips the wall. I bend forward, fighting off the sickness threatening to take over.
“You. Don’t. Know?”
“I don’t, all right? My period isn’t regular, so it’s hard to pinpoint the exact time I got pregnant. I was only with him once. Maybe twice. You and I were always together.”
I lift my eyes back up to her. “Did you use protection?”
“Yes.” Her gaze is tilted up toward the ceiling. She’s lying.
“Tell me the truth.”
“I don’t remember. I was really drunk the first time. I would never have cheated if I wasn’t completely under the influence. He’s young. A fling. You and I were fizzling out.”
“You fucking slut,” I spit out, not regretting my words one bit. I know I’m not this type of person. I don’t fight dirty, but this takes things too far.
I watch as my words hit right as they intended. Her eyes redden, and her mouth parts with a gasp. If she hurt me, I plan on hurting her right back.
“That’s not fair,” she says, holding back tears.
“Fair? You do realize that you’ve lied to me for the past five months, saying I’m the father, when there’s a real possibility I’m not!”
She reaches out to touch me, but I push her off of me. When she recoils into herself, I feel slightly better … until I feel worse.
“Why would you not tell both of us that we could possibly be the father? Was it the money? Were you afraid of what the big bosses would say if they found out you’d gotten knocked up by a guy barely in his twenties, who made minimum wage? It sounds so much better to say your high-end lawyer ex-boyfriend is the father.”
“Control your damn ego, Sebastian. Not everything is about how successful you are!”
“Then, explain why you ran to me and not him because trust me when I say, the kid I saw was in shock about what he’d figured out!”
Tears fall from her eyes, but it only fuels me more. She might not know, but I’m like a bull in a china shop if I need to be. I’ll be the most loyal person you’ve ever met in your life, but screw me over, and my dark side comes out in full force. And believe me, you don’t ever want to see the dark side.
“I swear it has nothing to do with money or what my colleagues might think. I wanted you to be the dad because of who you are on the inside. The man I know.”
“You mean, the man you cheated on.”
She lets out a sob and covers her mouth as she nods. “I know you’re a good man. And I’ve seen that every day since I told you I was pregnant. I haven’t wanted a thing from you. Not your money or your status. I just wanted you to be the dad, so my son would have an amazing man for a father. I barely know Shawn.”
“Obviously,” I spit out, and she takes a step back at my reaction.
“How did you find out about him? I don’t even have his number. It was a fling. A horrible mistake.”
“Trust me, I wish I didn’t know him. And from his reaction to all this, you do not want him to be the father.”
“I don’t. Believe me, Sebastian, I know you love Oliver just as much as I do. I can feel deep down in my soul that you’re his dad,” she pleads.
I drop back against the door and tug at my hair, hoping the pain I feel from it will take away the pain in my heart. This isn’t who I want to be. I don’t want to make someone else cry. But I need to know.
“There is nothing in my life that I want more than to be his father.” My voice cracks while I stop the tears threatening to escape. “But we have to know for sure. I can’t go the rest of my life with this question in the back of my head. I will be in Oliver’s life, no matter what. There’s no way I can just walk away now. But we have to find out the truth.”
She nods as she purses her lips, trying to hide the quiver of her bottom lip. “You’re right.”
Tears fall freely from my eyes, and I don’t try to stop them. “I’m going to the nursery to hold him for a while. Please, don’t join us.”
She lets out a sob as I head back to his nursery, needing to hold his tiny body against mine.
When I walk into his room, I hear his movement as he stares at the mobile above his crib. Seeing him breaks my heart even more.
I reach down to pick him up and head over to the rocking chair, where I take a seat and position Oliver where I can see him clearly. Well, as clearly as I can while my eyes keep filling with tears.
I reach for his finger, and he grips on to mine.
“Hey, baby boy.” I choke on my words that I try to get out. “I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. Even if we find out I’m not your father. I will always look at you like my son. I know you don’t understand me right now, but I promise you, I won’t go anywhere. And if Shawn turns out to be your dad and doesn’t step up like he should, then you don’t need him. I’ll proudly fill his shoes.”
I pause to take a big inhale. One part of me feels like we shouldn’t do the test. I want to be his father, and that’s all that matters. But the other part of me feels like Shawn needs to know. Even if he’s freaked out now, later, he’ll want to know who his kid is, and Oliver deserves to know who his biological father is even if finding out in the process kills me inside.
I owe it to him.
For now though, I’ll hold on to him as much as I can and enjoy these moments that I might never get back.
My contact at the hospital was able to get us an appointment for a paternity test. I brought Oliver and myself, and together, we had our blood drawn. I held him in my arms, steadying him as a nurse kept his arm restrained while another inserted the needle. It pained me to see his cries at the poke that he shouldn’t have needed to receive. When it was over, I stood quickly, tucked him against my chest, and rocked him to a lullaby my mother had taught me as a child.
I only had a short window before I had to bring him back to his mother for his feeding, so we took a walk in his stroller as he went to sleep.
When I finally brought him home, I stayed well past when I had told myself I’d stay. Leaving him just wasn’t something I was capable of.
Getting Shawn to the hospital hasn’t been as easy. I only need my blood to prove my own paternity, but every man needs to take responsibility for his actions, and since there’s a chance he could have fathered Oliver, he has to do his part.
I don’t want to have to go to Amy’s shop to track him down either. We haven’t spoken since I walked out of her place. My behavior that night is something I’m growing more ashamed of every day. While her willingness to accept Oliver is still something I question, I now know her concern over Shawn’s story was just. My heart and mind are at war with each other, but I can only deal with one thing at a time, and right now, Oliver has my ful
l attention.
Shawn has refused my requests for a sample, but when I’m finally able to get ahold of him, I explain I can get a court order to do so. He caves, and thankfully, he’s on his way to my office now because, apparently, hospitals freak him the fuck out.
When he arrives, Miles escorts him into the conference room, where a phlebotomist is waiting for him. I stand on the outside of the door, watching to make sure it’s done properly even though I know the company I hired is reputable and it’s not necessary for me to oversee.
After the test is done, the woman administering it leaves, but Shawn stays in his seat, looking up at me.
I stare at him, waiting for him to say something.
When he finally scoots back in his chair and stands, he states, “A cheek swab would have been easier.”
“If a newborn can do it, so can a grown man.”
There’s a sarcastic huff that comes out of his mouth. “I suppose I have been acting like an ass lately. This whole baby thing just got me freaked.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I level my eyes with him as he shifts from side to side.
Shawn fidgets with his hand in his jeans pocket, and his other moves as he talks, “I didn’t know Lauryn had a boyfriend when we hooked up. I found out after. There was no disrespect on my part, honest.”
I let out a bemoaned sigh. “If you’re worried about me kicking your ass, you have nothing to worry about. Unless Oliver turns out to be yours and you cross him, then I’ll cock you in the jaw.”
“Aren’t lawyers not supposed to make threats?”
I balk at his nervous joke. “I’m not saying that as an attorney. I’m stating that as a man.”
His mouth frowns as he nods, his eyes looking at the floor. He scratches his head. “I wouldn’t know about any of that. My old man died when I was five. Car accident. It’s been messing with my head ever since. Got into a lot of trouble over the years, taking my anger out on everything else. Now, here I am, doing exactly what he’d least be proud of. Panicking. Running. Being a damn baby.”
In all my years as a defender, I’ve come across more cases that start and end with parental issues. Who we are as adults is greatly shaped by our parents, all in different ways. A man without a father is probably the greatest tragedy. I didn’t know Shawn was without one. It doesn’t excuse his actions, but it brings clarity.
“You’re here now, so whatever the outcome, let this be a wake-up call. A man is not defined by his upbringing or his bank account. His greatest currency is his ability to love, to be loved, and to rise when the world is bringing him down.”
He gives a half-smile. “That’s good. Is it from some philosopher you learned about in college?”
I give my own half-smile. “Better than that. I learned it from my father.”
There’s a stillness in the room as Shawn nods and seems to take in the sentiment.
I turn to leave, but Shawn speaks, “Why aren’t you talking to Amy?”
Out of all the questions running through my head right now, him asking that is the most trivial.
“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” I state with my arms crossed.
“Look,” he says as he steps toward me, but I don’t move out of the exit, “none of this is her fault. You shouldn’t be punishing her. I came to her when I found out. It’s not like she was searching for something to ruin what you had going. She truly cares about you. I saw the way she was with Hardin. She thought she loved that guy, but she’s never been as happy as she is with you.”
“Thanks for your concern, but I don’t need to justify anything to you. I just needed your DNA, so you can leave now.” I step out of the way, allowing him to exit my conference room.
“She’s miserable, man. Absolutely torn up. I’ve never seen her this shaken. She won’t eat, I can tell she’s not sleeping, and believe me when I say, she’s ripped into me multiple times about how I’m behaving. She prays. I’ve walked in on her twice as she begs God that Oliver is yours. I feel the same way, too, and not just because I’m scared shitless to be a dad, but also because of how she talks about you. How great a man you are. How happy you are to have a son. You deserve for Oliver to be yours. You’re going to be an amazing dad. I don’t know if I have it in me. Not yet.”
Thoughts of Amy in despair tug at my heart. I rub my chest and fight the stabbing pain that sits there as I think about her crying, not eating, praying.
I swallow those emotions down and square my shoulders. “Well, if Oliver is yours, then I’ll do everything to make sure you’re a part of his life. That boy deserves a father. He just might end up with two.”
These past few days have been the longest ones of my life as I wait for the results of the paternity test.
I’ve tried to stay away, but here I am, knocking on Lauryn’s door, wanting nothing more than to see my son. And that’s how I’m looking at it. He is my son, and until someone tells me differently, I’m not going to stop feeling like he’s mine.
When she opens the door with him in her arms, I instantly reach out, asking to hold him. She hands him over with a smile on her face. Tensions were high between us at first, but the love of this little boy has trumped our personal feelings for the moment.
I enter her apartment and head to the living room, where I can get more comfortable and enjoy my son to the fullest.
“Can I get you something to drink?” she asks, already walking to the kitchen and opening up the refrigerator.
“I’d love some water, thank you,” I say, smiling down on baby Oli.
He’s truly the handsomest baby I’ve ever seen. His eyes are starting to change from the blue they once were to a more hazel green. His tiny nose is so cute, and all I want to do is kiss it. When his little fingers grip around mine, my heart melts like it’s the first time I’m seeing him all over again.
When Lauryn brings me my water, she sets it down on the table next to me and then takes a seat in the recliner off to the side.
“I love the way he looks up at you when you hold him,” she says.
I don’t know what to say in return, so I just grin and keep my attention on him. It’s hard to not be here, but it’s even harder to think that in just twenty-four hours, my life will change forever, and I’ll know if he’s truly Shawn’s or mine.
“How’s Amy? You know, if you want to bring her over with you, I’m okay with that. She’s important to you, and therefore, she should be here with you,” she says, making my head spring up in surprise that she would ask that.
I blame Amy for not wanting to be part of Oliver’s life before he arrived, but I know Lauryn has always kept her at arm’s length as well. I didn’t fight it because her health and well-being during the pregnancy were important. Until the birth, I wasn’t going to push it.
Perhaps Amy wasn’t completely at fault for that one.
Lauryn’s question also surprises me because she knows Shawn is her employee, and that’s how we put things together. I assumed she hated Amy for changing the way she had her perfect life laid out. The father of her choice. Her indecency hidden in the shadows.
Her forehead creases as she looks at me. “What? Why are you staring at me like I just asked if we should move to Mars?”
I take a deep breath and grab one of Oliver’s toes, loving how tiny it is in my fingers. “Amy and I haven’t spoken.”
“Why not?” she asks, exasperated.
“You know why. Let’s not talk about it.”
“You’re not talking to her because of Shawn? How does that have anything to do with the two of you?”
“She’s the one who wanted to tell me. It’s obvious Shawn is freaked out and doesn’t want to be a dad. Sometimes”—I clench my jaw, hating what I’m about to say—“I just wish she had let it be.”
Her head lowers as she looks at me from under her brows. “You’re joking, right?”
I glance up at her, confused. “Why would I be joking about something like this?”
“Beca
use she didn’t do anything.” She pauses as she takes her feet that were tucked up on the chair and sets them on the ground, leaning forward to be more serious. “Look, I know what I did was wrong. I should have told you about Shawn when I was pregnant, but that’s my mistake. Not hers. Why is she being punished, yet you’re here with me? With us?”
I grit my teeth, still fuming at the thought of her cheating on me, but when I rub my hand over Oliver’s smooth head, I take in a healing breath and feel myself calm down.
“Because of him. You gave me him. How can I hate you for that?”
“But what if—”
“Don’t say it,” I whisper out before I tilt my head up to face her. “Please don’t say it. We’ll know tomorrow. If this is the last day I get, thinking he’s my biological son, I want to enjoy it.”
“I agree. But I also think that you should be enjoying it with your girlfriend by your side. I know you have feelings for her.”
I nod as I rub his head again. “I do. But … I just don’t know. If I lose him because of her …” I don’t finish that thought.
“Will you please get your head out of your ass, you egomaniac?” she says, and I let out a sharp laugh. Those are definitely not words she says often. “You won’t lose him because of her. You’ll lose him because of me. Tomorrow might be one of the best days of your life, or it might be one of the worst. I don’t want you to go through that alone. I know I’m not the one who should be there for you. And have you even told anyone else besides Miles? Do your parents know what’s going on?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Then, why are you pushing her away?”
I drop my head back, more in thought than anything. “I just get this feeling she wanted this to happen. She said she was on board, but something has been holding her back. We’ve been together for months, yet she would only bring over clothes for a few days at a time even though I cleaned out a spot in my closet for her. I even brought up her moving in once, but she said she wanted to wait until after Oliver was settled in. She needed us to have our time together before changing it.”
Loyal Lawyer: A Standalone Novel Page 22
