Pressing a hand against her stomach, she waited until the worship leader motioned for the congregation to stand, and the music began. She took a deep breath and opened the door enough to slip in. With a smile, she took the bulletin the usher held out to her, then made her way to a nearby seat.
At the end of the first song, the worship leader said, “I’d like to welcome each of you to church this Sunday. God has graciously given us a new year, and what better way to start it off than with those who also love Him. I’d like you to take a moment to greet those around you and let them know you’re glad to be a part of God’s family with them.”
Cara turned to the people sitting on her left and shook hands with them. The people in front of her greeted her by name with warm smiles. She didn’t have a chance to turn to anyone else when she was suddenly wrapped in a tight hug.
“I’m so glad you’re back,” Sarah said softly. “I was worried you’d left us for good.”
Cara returned her hug, not bothering to tell her that it had been her intention. “It’s good to be back.”
And it was. Even when Sarah left her side, and Cara turned to the front once again, her gaze meeting Kieran’s, it still was. And though her heart broke a little to see him once again, it still was.
At that moment, she knew that New Hope would always be her home, and somehow, she’d have to find a way to live there.
Cara couldn’t seem to tear her gaze from Kieran’s, drinking in the sight of him. Finally, the music started up again, and Kieran slowly turned back around to face the front. Had he figured she’d left town for good like Sarah had?
He’d said he missed her, but that could mean any number of things. They’d had a friendship as well as a romantic connection. Maybe he wanted them to continue on with their friendship. She couldn’t imagine that working—at least not yet.
Pushing those thoughts from her mind, she kept her attention on the service. When Pastor Evans got up and preached on how they should view the year ahead, Cara was reminded again why she’d come to enjoy the church so much. She appreciated his down-to-earth, practical sermons that she could apply to her life without needing to understand a lot of complicated theology.
His underlying message, though, regardless of the subject of his sermon was how they should keep their eyes fixed on God. One of his favorite sayings was When walking the road of life, keep your gaze on God, and He will keep you from tripping.
She hadn’t spent much time wondering if God wanted her to move, and it was only as the pastor spoke about seeking God’s will for the new year that she realized she had to be better about that. It was more than clear as she listened to the pastor that even though she knew she should turn everything over to God, she was reluctant to trust Him with her heartache.
That thought weighed on her through the rest of the sermon, and as she stood up and slipped out of the sanctuary. She didn’t linger in the foyer, needing to get away before anyone stopped her to talk.
She’d barely made it home when her phone beeped with a text message. It didn’t surprise her at all to see it was from Kieran. His seeing her at church made it almost a given, particularly since she hadn’t responded to his earlier text.
Kieran: Can we talk?
Part of her wanted to talk to him again. Badly. But she really wasn’t sure she was strong enough for that yet.
Did you need to speak to me about the break-in?
Kieran: Sure. We can talk about the break-in…among other things. I’ll even bring by the key to the studio’s front door.
For a moment, a smile curved Cara’s lips. She could almost hear Kieran saying that aloud.
Her smile faded away as she sighed. Short of giving him a flat-out no, she didn’t really feel that she had a choice but to agree. She could get through it. She’d had to act when she was part of the ballet company, so she could act her way through this.
Okay.
Kieran: I’ll be there in a few minutes.
Cara didn’t bother to respond. She had no need to freshen up since she’d just gotten home, so she made her way downstairs to wait for Kieran. She wasn’t sure what to say to him when he arrived, but since he was the one asking to talk, presumably, he had something in mind.
She was glad she hadn’t eaten anything as her stomach felt a bit nauseous. It was taking longer than she’d expected for Kieran to get there, so she went into her office and sank down on the chair at her desk. She rubbed her palms against her thighs, wanting nothing more than to escape back up to her apartment.
There was just no way that this meeting was going to end with anything more than her heart aching even worse than it already was.
When she heard the front door open, her stomach lurched. She got to her feet, planning to meet him in the waiting area. But before she could step out from behind the desk, he appeared in the doorway, a tray of drinks in one hand.
“I brought lunch,” he said, holding up a bag in the other hand.
The moment held so many shades of their first few meetings that her heart thumped hard in her chest. Kieran came further into the office and set the bag on the desk, but Cara wasn’t sure she would be able to eat anything.
Slowly she sank back down onto her chair as he took the drinks from the tray and set one in front of her. As he opened the bag and began to take food out, Cara drank in the sight of him. From the look of things, the last few weeks had been as difficult for him as they had been for her.
The circles under his eyes were more pronounced, and he looked like he’d lost some weight. Though he had requested the meeting, she could see the tension in the set of his jaw as he focused on the food. He put a container that looked like it held her favorite salad on her side of the desk then looked up at her as he sat down in the chair that she’d come to think of as his.
“Thank you for agreeing to talk to me,” Kieran said as he sank back in his chair. He stared at her for a moment before he exhaled deeply. “I’ve missed you.”
Cara didn’t know what to say. She’d missed him too, but she wasn’t sure it would be beneficial for either of them for her to say that. Instead, she looked down at her food, reaching for her drink cup.
“I’m sorry.” At his words, she looked back up. His gaze caught and held hers. “I reacted very…harshly to what I discovered.”
“You had every right to,” Cara murmured, even though his apology soothed some of the ache in her heart. “It was an unfortunate set of circumstances that would have been a shock to anyone.”
“Still.” Kieran sighed. “At that moment, I had a difficult time separating you from what had happened.”
“I understand that. I’m sure that would have been the case for anyone.” Maybe this was the closure she needed.
“The thing is, I’ve had a lot of time to think about the whole situation.” He paused, his gaze dropping for a moment, then he cleared his throat. “I need to let you know that I told my mom everything.”
Cara felt her stomach sink. In the time since their break-up, Rose had always continued to be kind and friendly to her. She hated to think that would change now.
Kieran shifted on his seat. “I didn’t start out to tell her. I just wondered how she felt about Marco Moretti.”
She hated him, Cara was sure. She didn’t think Rose would betray her secret, but she had no idea how to ask Kieran about that. But maybe this was him warning her of what might be coming. She might be left with no choice but to flee, even though she’d kind of decided to stay.
“She surprised me,” Kieran said. “When I asked her if she hated Marco, she said no.”
Cara’s eyes widened. “She doesn’t hate him?”
“She did for a while, but then she came to the realization that love and hate couldn’t share space in her heart. The hate was eating away at her life and eroding the love she had for God and for me. She made the choice to meet with Pastor Evans to seek his guidance on how to rid her heart of the hate.”
“And she was able to do that?”
&nb
sp; Kieran nodded. “She said she forgave Marco, then every time she thought about him after that point, she would remind herself that she had forgiven him, and then she’d pray for his salvation.”
Cara gasped, pressing a hand to her mouth before saying, “My father became a Christian in the months before he died.”
Kieran’s brows rose. “He did?”
She nodded. “Gio is also a Christian, and it was through him that my dad became one too.”
“Wow.” Kieran stared at her for a moment then sat forward, an earnest expression on his face. “That’s incredible. I’ll have to tell my mom that. I think she’d like to know that.”
Cara was still in a state of shock over the very idea that Rose had prayed for her father’s salvation. It was odd that her father had played a role in the worst events of their lives, and yet his mother had played a role, through her prayers, in the most wonderful decision her father had ever made.
She wasn’t sure what to say, but it appeared that Kieran wasn’t finished yet.
“After finding out that my mom didn’t hate your father, I told her about what had led to our break-up. It was in talking with her about all of it that I realized that I had allowed my hate to rob me of love. She also helped me see your situation from a different perspective.”
The air seemed to rush from her lungs. What was he saying? Hope flared like a small flame on a matchstick. She tried to smother it, though, because she didn’t want to get her hopes up only to have them dashed again. Rather than question him about it, she kept quiet, pressing her trembling hands together.
“I knew I needed to take the same steps my mom had. I went and talked with Pastor Evans and shared what had happened between us.” He gave her a small frown. “I realize I’m admitting that I’ve talked to two people about your situation when I said I wouldn’t tell anyone. I’m sorry about that, but I trust both of them with my life—with your life—and I really needed advice.”
If this might lead to a better situation for the two of them without compromising her safety, she couldn’t be mad at him about it.
Kieran’s gaze dropped to his hands. “I…I’m struggling with all of this, to be honest. But if these past few weeks have taught me anything, it’s that you are important to me, and I don’t want hate to win over love.”
Cara swallowed hard against the emotions that were rising within her. “What does that mean?”
“It means that I want to work past this. To find a way for me to change how I view everything I’ve learned.” His gaze held hers. “You’re still the woman I fell in love with.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Kieran’s words hit Cara in the chest. He loved her? He’d never said those words when they’d been together, so she hadn’t known for certain how he’d felt about her. Of course, she’d never said the words to him either, even though those feelings had definitely been growing in her heart for him.
“You haven’t changed. Everything that attracted me to you in the first place is all still a part of who you are. The only thing that’s different now is what I know of your past. I don’t want something neither of us can change to come between us.”
“You want us to try again?” Cara asked, her voice soft even as her heart pounded at the thought.
“Yes. I want us to try, but more than that, I want us to succeed. Would you come with me to meet with Pastor Evans?” He paused for a moment. “If that’s what you want too, of course.”
Of course, it was what she wanted. But… “What if it doesn’t work? What if you really can’t get past who my father was and what he did?”
“I know I’m asking you to take a risk when I haven’t really proven myself, but I want this to work. I realize now that hate blinded me to the fact that the choice I made was not the only one available to me. Talking to my mom was eye-opening. Gut-wrenchingly so. I’m so sorry for what I did.” The earnestness of his expression tugged at Cara. “You’ve come to mean so much to me.”
She wanted to be mad at him for what he’d done, but in truth, she’d understood that his reaction hadn’t been about her specifically. But there was a part of her that wondered if what he felt for her was truly strong enough to overcome what they had to in order to make things work.
Would she be able to fully open herself up to him? Or would she spend each day wondering if that would be the one when she made a comment, or something that reminded him of who her father was, and it was just too much? She wasn’t sure she could spend their relationship always second-guessing what she was going to say.
He must have read her hesitation in her expression because the hope that had been on his face faded, and his shoulders slumped. “I understand. I shouldn’t have asked you to take a chance like this.”
“It’s just…” Cara struggled to find the right words. “Honestly, I understood your need to break up with me more than I understand this. I kind of feel like we’re just setting ourselves up to fail again. I’ll constantly be watching my words to make sure I don’t talk about my dad for fear of upsetting you, but my dad was very important to me. I’m still grieving his death, and if I have to hide my grief, it won’t work out for us long term.”
“You won’t have to,” Kieran said. “And I know your dad was important to you. I wouldn’t want you to feel you couldn’t ever share memories of him.”
Cara wanted to believe him. She really, really wanted to. But fear of just prolonging the hurt kept her from grabbing on to this chance with both hands.
“I had to try,” Kieran said with a sigh as he reached for his drink and his container of food. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you with this. I won’t bother you again.”
Cara’s heart clenched painfully as he got up and turned for the door. “Wait.”
Kieran paused and stood for a moment before turning to face her. He didn’t say anything, just watched her, his expression drawn tight with pain.
“I…I can’t agree to this right now, but can I think about it?”
“Of course. Take all the time you need.”
“Thank you.”
“I guess I’ll see you around.” He gave her a cautious smile, then turned and left the office.
Cara held her breath until she heard the front door close then she slumped back in her chair. She could almost believe that the pounding of her heart was in protest of her allowing Kieran to walk away, but she really did need time. This wasn’t a decision to make lightly after things had ended so badly last time.
It was only as she headed out to lock the door that she realized he’d left without giving her the key. She turned the deadbolt then returned to get her food to take it upstairs. Though she wasn’t hungry right that minute, she wouldn’t let it go to waste when Kieran had gone to the trouble of getting it for her.
Upstairs, she changed out of her church clothes into a pair of sweats and a thick sweater. After making herself a cup of coffee, she found her tablet and settled into her favorite chair. She made an attempt at reading, but after she’d read the same page over a couple of times, she gave up.
Though she found herself staring out the window, she didn't really see the town. All she could think about were all the pros and cons of rekindling a relationship with Kieran. The biggest pro was that she loved the man and wanted to spend her life with him. The con, of course, was that he might not really be able to accept her and her past, even with God’s help.
Cara wished she had someone she could talk to about everything, but the only people who knew the details about their breakup were either too close to the situation—Rose—or not close enough for her to feel comfortable talking to them—Doug or Gio. It was at times like this when she missed her dad even more. This was something she would have talked to him about…although he might not have been the most objective person to discuss it with since he would probably be upset that Kieran had dumped her in the first place.
It was a while later that Cara focused in on the view out her window and frowned. She hadn’t heard that it was supposed
to snow, but there were big fat flakes lazily drifting down from the sky, so clearly, she’d missed something. They didn’t get a ton of snow in that area, but every once in awhile, they got enough that it stuck around for a bit.
Cara leaned closer to the window, a feeling in her gut that this was more than just a bit of snow. The clouds hanging low in the sky were gunmetal gray, and as she watched, the wind seemed to pick up, sending the snow swirling in the air. She remembered seeing clouds and snow like that in Chicago, and it usually resulted in a larger than normal snowfall.
Grateful that she had plenty of food on hand and that she’d had a backup generator installed on the roof of her building when all the renovations were being done, she got up and went to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. She’d never had to use the back-up generator, but it had been something her father had insisted on installing when they’d discussed the plans for the building.
Even in the short time it took her to get her coffee and return to her seat, she could see that the storm was picking up. Visibility had dropped so much that she could see across the street but not much further. Shivering, even though it wasn’t cold in the apartment, Cara got up and flipped the switch for the fireplace.
With her mug cupped in her hands, she stared into the flames for a few minutes. Warm air blew out of the vents of the fireplace, but the comfort it offered was not at all like the warmth of the real fireplace they’d had in their home in Chicago. But she still enjoyed it. The only thing that would have made the ambience better would have been the scent of burning wood. Of course, if she’d had that, she would have had been tempted to break out the marshmallows, chocolate bars, and graham crackers for some smores.
Though she’d planned to have classes start up that week, Cara had a feeling that might not be happening. She returned to her seat and spent the next little while watching the snow as it continued to increase in intensity. After a while, she picked up her phone to check the forecast and saw there was a warning for their area. From the look of it, the first day of school after the Christmas break was going to be a snow day.
Because of Him: A Christian Romance (New Hope Falls Book 2) Page 29
