by Anna Lewis
My life was nothing, it was pointless. Maybe I would’ve been better off dying, at least then I wouldn’t have had to tackle this whole empty future with nothing to fill it.
“Now let’s not worry about Adam right now,” Mom tried to smoothly transition onto the next subject before I could totally fall apart. “I’m going to get the doctor back in here so we can see where we are with everything.”
“I’m a fucking mess, Mom,” I snapped, using a curse word in front of her for the very first time. Much to her credit, she didn’t even flinch. “My legs are shattered, some other stuff is messed up, I’ll never be the same again. I’ve lost everything.”
“I know it seems bad now, sweetie, but you’ll find a place in the world for you, I promise you that. You’ll find a new path for you. Now I don’t want to say that everything happens for a reason, because I know right now it really doesn’t feel that way, but one day the pain of all of this will go. One day, this will all be a distant memory.”
I nodded, trying to agree with her, but I really didn’t see it. As far as I was concerned my life was over, I was done. Finished at the grand old age of eighteen years old. How fucking sad was that?
“Thanks for being here, Mom,” I shot back impulsively, glad to at least have her with me. “I appreciate it.”
As she held me close I hoped that she was right, I hoped that one day I could see things in the same way that she did.
* * *
18th October 2016
Well, my mom was officially wrong. Even ten years later the pain from that day hadn’t gone anywhere. I still felt it acutely, in my gut, all over my heart... I wished that she was still alive so I could go and rub it in her face, to tell her just how wrong she was. Although maybe that shouldn’t have been what I was focusing on. I probably should’ve been thinking about the human life growing in my belly, not the sad fact that I hadn’t been able to move on from a car crash.
I was going to have a baby. That fact was still insane. I’d adjusted, maybe a little bit, I’d accepted that this was really going to happen, but the practical side of things still overwhelmed me massively. Like money, and space, and Adam...
Oh God, Adam. There was no way I could tell him. I had to, he would figure it out on his own of course when my stomach started to swell and grow, but for now my lips were still sealed.
It was difficult to explain this situation in a calm and constructive way to someone who wouldn’t even look at me, so what the hell was I supposed to do?
I shoved the cleaning cart along the hallway with a huff, feeling drained and tired, and more than a little sick. This whole working whilst pregnant thing wasn’t going to be easy if this got much worse. In fact, I got so lost in worrying about that for a moment, that I didn’t notice my worst nightmare coming true until it was too late...
A twisting knot twirled in my stomach as I spotted Adam across the other side of the hallway, talking rapidly into his phone. Usually every time I even sensed him, I shoved my head down and I raced away at the speed of light, but this time my limbs seemed to ice over fixing me in one place.
This wasn’t just Adam anymore and I couldn’t keep acting like it was. He wasn’t just my ex-boyfriend, the one who got away (or ran away), and the man I unwisely had sex with. This was the father of my unborn child... and that felt huge. I felt like I was holding onto an intense secret, one that was dying to be shared. I could barely keep it behind my lips any longer, it was screaming to get out.
As if he could sense me looking at him, Adam’s eyes were drawn to mine as if that magnet was back again. My heart pounded as we stared at each other, as he hung up the phone ending his call. I felt like he could see so deeply into me that he could probably sense my baby there. His baby there. I kind of hoped that he was going to sweep me up in his arms, to hold me, to tell me that everything was going to be okay.
He moved, and my entire body tensed up. Somehow my dream was coming true. Somehow he was actually coming for me. I wanted to spread my arms, to accept him willingly, but I was trying my best to maintain just a little bit of dignity. After all he hadn’t treated me in the best way possible.
But then he brushed past me, as if I was nothing.
I spun with him and watched his back as he stalked off, while everything sunk inside of me. I’d spent so long trying to be invisible that now I actually was. This was him effectively running off from me again, only this time it wasn’t just me he was running from. He might not have known it, but he was leaving two of us in his path of destruction.
The only question I had now was would I accept it? Would I let him treat me like nothing again? Last time I had, I didn’t even bother to look him up after he ran away. I felt like he’d made up his mind, that he didn’t want me, and that was the end of it. But things were different now, this wasn’t just about me anymore. I had to stand up to him... for my baby.
“Hey, Adam!” I yelled, without really thinking about it. Anger was buzzing in my ear, my brain was fogged up with hurt, I was acting out at work for the first time in my life, and I didn’t even care. I had everything to lose... but everything to gain as well. “Is there a reason you’re ignoring me?”
He flicked his eyes from side to side, instantly moving back to join my side. “What are you doing?” he hissed angrily. “You do realize this is a place of business, right?”
“Oh right, so I better not act crazy then. I better not... screw an employee in a hotel room.” Oops, it was all coming out now. There was no stopping it.
“Stop!” He grabbed my arm and pulled me against him, but it was too late, I was on a roll.
“No, you need to face up to your actions for once. You can’t just keep floating through life, banging birds and never having any consequences. Well this time you have done something that’s going to stick with you for life.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I turned to face him, spite filling my mouth like spit. I just wanted him to experience the shock that I had, I just wanted him to know what it was like to be me for a change.
“I’m having your baby.”
* * *
30th January 2007
“Are you sure?” I asked Mollie, the owner of the hotel where I’d been working part-time for a few months before the accident. I’d been planning to save money for my time at college, it certainly wasn’t supposed to be a full-time thing, but now I didn’t exactly have options being thrown in my face. “I really appreciate it.”
She held my hands and smiled sympathetically at me. “You stay for as long as you want. I know it won’t be forever, I know you’ll eventually want to restart things in the end, but until then you’re welcome to continue on with your cleaning job here.”
My body was healing, enough for me to work at this job. I still had issues with it now and again, but it was nothing compared to the emotional pain. My heart physically ached with every passing second, and time hadn’t yet done anything to dull that. It was possible that the lack of closure hadn’t helped, but there was nothing I could do about that.
I couldn’t exactly ask Adam what was going on, when he wasn’t here. He’d upped and left me without even leaving a note behind. My entire life was in tatters and he hadn’t even bothered to give me a cursory message.
If that didn’t tell me what I meant to him, I didn’t know what did.
I kept thinking of myself, sitting in his car, giggling happily and telling Adam that I loved him. He said it back, but that was probably just to keep me happy. I doubt he meant it. Just because it had been a month old relationship, didn’t mean he was automatically in love with me. His actions since proved that. There was no way in hell that I could’ve left him, he was my everything.
But he’d left me. He was a player when I met him, and he was still a player now. I was just another causality in the hurricane of destruction that he left behind himself when he ran.
I was nothing... and now I had nothing. Except for this.
“Thank you so mu
ch.” I forced a fake smile on my face trying to act happy that I could continue with my job in a full-time manner, but internally I felt like I wanted to die. “That’s so great, Mollie.”
I wanted to at least move out of Mom’s home, just to get some space of my own. I absolutely adored her, but to be honest the constant attention from her was getting a bit suffocating. I needed to breathe if I was ever going to live again, and while it didn’t feel possible right now I was hopeful that I’d get to a place where it was.
I would work at the hotel until my life could start again. Once I’d saved up enough I would be on my way to... wherever really. I didn’t know where my future was headed, but I did know I would figure it out eventually.
I had a place in the world, Mom had told me so, I just needed to figure out where that was.
* * *
18th October 2016
Adam dragged me all the way into his temporary hotel room, reminding me of a time when I was forced to live opposite him, and then he sat beside the room desk silently. I was impatiently waiting for him to finally come around just enough to talk, to say anything about my situation, but it hadn’t quite happened just yet. I was doing my best to remain calm and collected after my outburst, but it wasn’t going well. I was jittering all over.
This was almost worse than waiting for that blue cross to appear, somehow this felt even more terrifying. Anything could happen right now, and I was scared shitless to see which way it would turn.
“I’m not good enough for you,” he eventually murmured into his hands, so I could barely hear him. “I never have been.”
“What the hell are you on about?” I perched on the bed, and leaned onto my elbows to stare at him. At least this seemed a bit more real. Maybe I was finally about to delve into the workings of Adam Martin and find out all the truths that I’d been missing out on.
Or maybe this was just another way for him to run away.
“It’s my fault!” he exploded, a decade of pain bursting past his lips. “You lost everything because of me.”
Huh? I cocked my head to one side and gave him an odd look. Was he serious? Did he really think that? My life falling apart had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me. I was the one who allowed my life to slide away, the situation that took me to that place wasn’t my fault, but my actions afterwards were all my own.
“If I hadn’t made you go to Tiana’s party, if I hadn’t flirted with her, if I hadn’t insisted on driving that route home, you’d be running now. You would’ve gone to college, you would’ve had your future.” His head fell back into his hands, and I could’ve sworn I heard a tear or two there. Clearly this wasn’t the first time he’d thought about this in the last ten years which stung a little. I didn’t want him to be hurting, but I also didn’t want him to forget about me either.
It seemed that we couldn’t have one without the other.
“What are you talking about?” I repeated, totally bemused this time. I never wanted Adam to blame himself, I didn’t want his life to be on hold like mine was. “It was never your fault. It was a freak accident, and if anyone is to blame it’s the drunk driver, not you.”
“But I...”
“But nothing.” I walked forwards and clutched his face in my hands. “It’s never been your fault. Is that why you left?” It was all starting to make a little more sense now. I never really tried to see things from Adam’s perspective before. He left because he was scared, not because he didn’t love me anymore. That was my own sadness allowing me to think that.
“I couldn’t stand to see what I’d done to you, I had to get away.” His whole body was shaking under the stress, gone was the confident asshole that took control of these hallways, and in his place was a raw, more honest version of himself. It touched my heart to see him falling apart over me, it made me want to do the same.
“To Texas?” I still didn’t know what direction his life had taken, I guess I stopped asking when it became obvious that no one wanted to tell me anything. But now I felt like I needed to know absolutely everything.
“No, I didn’t do college, I couldn’t. Not when I destroyed your dreams. No, I threw myself into investing instead. Earning money seemed easier than facing my feelings.”
“So why did you buy this place?” I still needed to know that, it had been bugging me for ages. There had to be a reason, and I was pretty sure that it was linked to me.
“Do you really want to know?” His face flushed, he could barely meet my eyes. That only served to pique my interest even further.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.” Of course I had to act like I was blasé, I wasn’t that uncool.
“I looked you up, I did some research.” Humiliation burned off his tongue as he spoke. “It took me ten years to finally feel ready to face you again, and I found out that you still worked here. I felt terrible, because of how responsible I felt, so I decided to buy the place to try and make your life easier.” He sighed deeply and stood up, moving his eyes away from me. “I guess I just wasn’t thinking about how hard it was going to be to see you again. I didn’t know how to act, which is why I’ve been such a confusing asshole.”
I nodded slowly, trying to drink all that in. It was all so much, all too hard to digest all in one go. Adam Martin came back for me. Yes, it was ten years too late, but at the same time maybe it was right. Maybe the fates had intervened at the perfect moment, just when we were both finally ready to see each other again.
“I love you,” he stunned me by continuing, almost as if he was following on with that conversation we started in his car, before everything shifted. “I always have, I just didn’t want to ruin your life again. I did it once with the car crash, and now I’ve done it again by impregnating you. Oh God, I’m such an idiot. Why couldn’t I just... just leave you alone? Your life was perfectly fine without me in it.”
I clutched my hands protectively to my stomach and stared defiantly at him. “This baby hasn’t ruined my life, it’s a blessing. Yes, it’s a shock, but in all this mess we’ve created a life. You say you love me, well I love you too, and what better way to move forwards with that than to have a baby? And I will be perfectly honest with you, my life was far from perfect without you in it. I’ve been miserable ever since the first day you left me behind.”
“But, I’m still too scared.” He shook his head, his whole body trembling. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make this work. How can I ever be good enough for you?”
“Adam Martin, you have always been good enough for me.”
He didn’t look up at me, it was almost as if he couldn’t stand to see me. He genuinely thought that he wasn’t good enough, that I deserved more. How could he not see that he was out of my league, that he was always the one that could do better?
“Jenna, I... I’m no good. I’m not a good person.”
“Why not?” I crossed my arms across my chest and stared him down. “Come on, you might as well tell me everything now.”
“I don’t know, I don’t feel worthy. I have all this money that I don’t deserve, I get female attention that I definitely haven’t earned, I took advantage of you in that hotel room, complicating your life in a way that you really didn’t need. I’m just a bad person all round.”
“Bad? Adam you’re everything. If you’d stayed after the car crash you would’ve seen that. I still wanted to give everything to be yours, it killed me that you were no longer here. Losing you was far worse than having to give up running, why can’t you see that? All I’ve ever wanted was you.”
Still he said nothing. Still he continued on his downward spiral into utter despair.
* * *
18th October 2016
I couldn’t take it any longer. Adam and his madness was tearing us apart, as it already had for a decade. Well, not anymore. He might not think that he was good enough for me, but I did. I grabbed hold of his shirt and I yanked him close to me, before pressing my lips up against his.
“Don’t
be an idiot,” I murmured happily against his lips. “I love you, and I always have.”
The tight metal coil wormed its way through my system, knotting me into a sexual frustration frenzy. I clawed at Adam’s shirt, trying to make my inner feelings clear, and luckily, he seemed to sense exactly what I needed.
As he stepped back and slid his tee shirt up over his head, there was a serene smile on his face, one that showed he was finally relaxed enough to accept all of this. Thank God!
“Come on, you too,” he nodded at my clothing, which was suddenly a huge irritation. So with a wicked grin I flicked my dress off over my head. I no longer had any body hang ups around Adam, I knew that he wanted me, he’d finally made me feel like his equal, which was absolutely wonderful. “God you’re beautiful.”
He unhooked my bra, and we both watched as the material floated to the ground, revealing my excited, erect nipples that were begging for some attention. Then Adam pressed me back against the wall, rendering me totally helpless to him, and he moved his mouth down to claim my breasts for his own. His tongue flickered all over them, his teeth grazed my nipples, and the unexpected sensations that were flooding my body were almost too much to bear.
All I wanted to do was hold him, I needed to taste him, I had the strong desire to explore his body in a way that I hadn’t ever done before, and if I was going to make that happen I needed to do it now before he commanded every inch of me once more.
I slid my hands down his strong, muscular body, my heart dancing and flapping in my chest, and as I soon as I was near enough to dip into his underwear, a loud, explosive groan fell past his lips.
Oh... my... God. As my fingers curled around his thick, throbbing cock, and I slowly moved my hands up and down his shaft, a deep pulsating desperation screamed in my panties. I wanted him, I needed him, but first...
I sank down to the ground, my head positioned perfectly between his thighs, and I gently traced my lips over random areas of Adam’s body, just to tease him. My mouth connected with his stomach, his legs, his balls... and eventually I ran a few gentle kisses over his length.
