Reese swallowed. “So, does that mean you don’t want me?”
My eyes traveled up until they met his chest, and I watched his breaths enter and leave, the speed of them matching that of my heart.
“You don’t care about me?” he pushed further, his hand letting go of where it held the charger and mine. He moved it to frame my jaw instead, thumb tracing the skin there, his breath hot on my lips. “And everything we had, everything you felt with me…” he said. “You don’t feel that anymore?”
“I…”
I couldn’t answer, the words stuck like feathers in honey somewhere inside my throat. My head spun, the smell of him too much, the feel of his hand on me making me weak.
“And this…” he continued, his free hand trailing up the edges of my robe that lined the middle of my body. He pushed them aside gently, his finger just barely grazing the bottom of my breast as I inhaled a stiff breath. “This doesn’t make you feel anything at all?”
“Reese…”
“Say my name one more time, and this robe will be on the floor.”
I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes as my body screamed under his touch. He’d barely even brushed my skin and I was already on fire, writhing for oxygen.
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” he probed, and this time, his finger trailed up just enough to graze my pebbled nipple.
“Yes, I still want you,” I panted. “But I’m just… I’m confused. I need some space, some time.”
“I don’t want space.” He rolled the pad of his thumb over my nipple, his hand slipping all the way under my robe to grip my breast firmly. “And we don’t have time.”
“Reese…”
And just as he promised, my robe was on the floor in a snap.
He tugged one end of the loose knot I’d tied under my breasts, and the moment the robe wasn’t between us any longer, he pulled me flush against him, his lips finding mine in a heated frenzy.
I gasped into his open mouth, but his tongue snuck inside in the next breath, and before I could register what had happened, my feet were off the ground. Reese pushed me against the wall, his hands pinning my hips against it as he kissed down my neck, sucking the skin between his teeth hard enough to leave marks.
Hissing, I arched off the wall and into his touch, the overwhelming feel of him taking me under like a tidal wave. I didn’t gasp for air, didn’t beg for oxygen — I simply let the wave take me down, down to hell, down to where my favorite sinner waited with open arms.
“You drive me absolutely crazy, you know that?” Reese growled, pressing the hard-on straining through his shorts against my naked core. The friction sparked a fire, and I whimpered, rolling my hips against him.
Reese hadn’t touched me since the night of the spring concert, since he’d made me come for him in the costume closet. I’d had to be quiet then, but as Reese slipped a finger inside me, the loudest moan ripped from my throat. He groaned, withdrawing his finger before sliding it in again.
“So tight.” He murmured against my lips, and he kissed me harder as he slid another finger in to join the first.
My hands pressed hard into the wall, trying to find something to grip as he pinned me there. Every sound was muted other than his breaths, his eyes all I could see, his hands all I could feel. Just like the first time he’d touched me, Reese overwhelmed every sense, demanding all of me.
Memories of the fort flashed behind my eyes, the feel of him touching me on his piano, the way he’d stretched me open more than once that night. And I wished it was only lust. I wished it was only his body that made me feel this way.
But it was him.
It was the lost boy I wanted to save when I was younger, the man I wanted to find home in now. It was the way he listened to me, the way he knew exactly what to say, the way he understood what I never had to explain.
Reese was my jagged little pill, one I wanted to swallow eagerly.
But unlike that first night Reese had touched me, Cameron still lived within my heart tonight, too. And it was the flash of his smile in the car on the way to Garrick that zapped me back to reality.
“Stop,” I said, eyes popping open as I pressed my hands into Reese’s chest.
He pulled back, smirking before his lips found mine again. He thought it was a game, a sexy round of cat and mouse. But I had to get out. I had to get air.
I had to get space.
“NO!”
This time, I pushed hard enough for his grip to weaken, and he dropped me gently to the floor with his face screwed up in confusion.
“Are you okay? I was just—”
“I have to go.”
“Charlie.”
I scrambled for my robe at his feet, tucking it haphazardly around me and fumbling with the door knob until I finally yanked it open.
“Charlie, wait!”
But I was already in the hall, and in the next instant, I pushed through my room door, slapping the lock stopper out of the way and shutting the door firmly behind me. I fell against it, my breaths erratic, and I jumped when Reese knocked.
“Come on, Charlie. Let me in,” he begged, his voice muffled through the door. “Talk to me, for Christ’s sake.”
I backed away, still watching the door like he’d somehow find a way inside.
“He doesn’t love you,” he said after a moment. “Not the way I do. I know you know that. He’s inside your head, your heart, but only because he lost you. It took that — losing you — for him to wake up and try to be what you deserve, Charlie.”
He paused, and I stared at the peep hole on the door, wondering what he looked like in that moment.
“He’s giving you everything right now, and I’m sure he’s making you feel more than you have in years. But he’s only making you feel that way because he wants you to stay. The question is, will he still make you feel this way, will he still treat you the same once he has you again?”
An ache surged through me, and I closed my eyes tight against the tears that threatened to fall.
I thought he was done, but Reese lowered his voice a little more before he asked just one final question.
“If you stay, and he goes back to the husband you’ve had for the past five years, will it be enough?”
My face warped, fighting against the emotion building in me. I felt Reese on the other end of the door, begging me to open it for him, but after a moment, I heard a sigh before his door opened and closed with a soft latch.
I cried, falling to the floor with my hands still clutching my robe as I tried to catch my breath. My heart thumped loudly in my ears where my head hung between my shoulders, each beat separating another thought as they ripped through me.
Thump.
What is wrong with me?
Thump.
Who have I become?
Thump.
What the hell do I do now?
And between those thoughts, I asked myself the same question as Reese.
“If you stay, and he goes back to the husband you’ve had for the past five years, will it be enough?”
It was the only question I knew the answer to.
CHAPTER TEN
* * *
Charlie
The rest of the conference dragged by, each minute feeling like a day. By the time we ended the Saturday afternoon session, it was all I could do to haul myself upstairs, change, and make my way to the bar. I knew everyone would be at the final mixer being held in the ballroom next to where we’d had the conference, so I found my safe haven in the relatively empty beach bar out back.
I chose a seat at the bar, my sandy feet dangling off the tall stool as I ordered my first drink of the weekend. That drink quickly turned to two, and two to three, and before I knew it, the sun had set, the beach growing dark behind me as dusk settled in.
My fingers trailed the sugary rim of my fifth fruity margarita as a cool breeze swept into the bar. At least, I thought it was my fifth. I hadn’t kept an accurate count, and I didn’t really care as I lifte
d it to my lips, hoping the alcohol would burn away everything else that stung — like the fact that I was killing my husband, that I didn’t know if I could stay with him, and that I still loved Reese, even when I wished I could stay away from him.
It’d been almost a month now since Cameron asked me to give him another chance, and the thought of enduring the pain I felt in my chest for another month made my stomach lurch. To make matters worse, I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling that pain. Cameron had to be sick, knowing I was away with Reese, and Reese had agreed to wait for me — to respect the time I’d promised Cameron.
I didn’t deserve either one of them.
Why did I think my happiness mattered anymore? The truth was they’d both be better off without me, and I should have to endure life alone. At least, that’s what I wanted to believe.
But inside my heart, I didn’t.
Under the bad decisions I’d made in the past few months, I knew my heart was pure and true. I had loved Cameron with every ounce of love and care I possessed. I had tried to wait for him, to let him come back to me on his own time. I had suffered through lonely nights, cold rejection, empty promises.
I may not have been perfect, but he’d hurt me, too.
And in the back of my mind, Reese’s question played over and over. If I stayed and Cameron went back to the way he’d been the past five years, would it be enough?
No.
Not even close.
Thunder rolled quiet and low off in the distance, and I took another sip of my drink, head fuzzy as I tried to imagine my life. With Cameron, it was hard to picture anything other than what we’d lived since the boys died.
I could faintly remember a time before, when we were happy, when we were blissfully happy. He’d given me a glimpse of that the previous weekend, when he’d taken me back to Garrick, and back to a room we made memories in. And Cameron was opening up to me, he was letting me in, he was giving me a piece of himself he was never able to give before.
I loved him. I missed him. I didn’t even want to leave for the conference because we were having so much fun at home. I wanted to stay in his arms, in that house where he was beginning to peel back his layers and let me inside.
Still, Reese had a point, and it stuck with me long after I left his room last night.
If I stayed, would Cameron be the old Cameron, the one I fell in love with, or would he go back to being the one who’d hurt me and let me feel like I didn’t matter at all to him?
I blinked, imagining a different life, one where I was with Reese.
I saw us living in his quaint house, me sprucing up the front garden and choosing new linen colors in his bedroom. I pictured us as renowned teachers at Westchester, the couple everyone loved to talk to, the one everyone wanted to be. I saw late nights at his piano, heard our moans under his sheets, felt his arms wrapped around me.
But when I tried to see past that, to a family, to having children and joining my parents for Christmas, I couldn’t. Because those memories had already been created by Cameron, and I didn’t know how to erase him.
What if I never could?
I sighed, sucking a large gulp of margarita through my straw. I wondered if the answers lay at the bottom of this glass, since I hadn’t found any in the last four.
I felt him take the seat next to me before he said a word. His presence was electrifying, one that buzzed with a mixture of invitation and warning. He tapped on the bar, and as soon as the bartender saw him, she smiled, whipping up some sort of drink without him saying a word.
Of course. Even the staff knew and loved him.
I stared at his forearm on the bar next to mine, tracing the lean muscles and dark hair.
“You’ve been in the sun,” I noted, taking another sip through my straw. His skin was a golden tan, a beautiful bronze, the color of caramel.
“Spent the day on the beach after we were cut loose today,” he answered.
His voice was thick and a bit raw, like he hadn’t slept. I felt his eyes on me, but I kept mine on the bar — on his arm, my arm, how close they were, how much space they’d have to cross to touch.
“Speaking of which, I thought you hated the beach.”
“I do,” I confirmed. “But I love margaritas.”
I took another large slurp, and Reese chuckled, his forearm leaving the bar next to mine for a second before returning. I imagined he ran his hand through his hair, or perhaps scratched an itch on his jaw. He’d let his beard grow in a bit over the weekend, just a little scruff. I wanted to touch it, too.
“It kills me, you know,” Reese said after a moment, his voice low. “Watching you right now, knowing there’s so much on your mind, so much that’s hurting you.”
I stopped drinking, but kept my lips on the straw, my feet still kicking under the chair.
“I wish I could crawl inside that mind of yours and face all your demons for you.”
My heart squeezed, but I shook my head on a laugh.
“They’re some mean motherfuckers.”
“I believe that,” he said quickly. “But, I’d fight them, anyway.”
I propped one elbow up on the bar, leaning my cheek on my palm as I finally turned to face him. His face was just as tan as his arms, his nose a little red at the tip. I met his eyes, another roll of thunder sounding in the distance as I watched him.
“Why do you care?” I asked. “About me, I mean. I never talked to you after you left Mount Lebanon, not even when everything happened…” My stomach twisted. “Why do you still care about me?”
Reese smiled, his gaze falling to where his hands rested around his glass before it rose up to the thatch ceiling of the bar. “Why does rain fall in the desert? Why are diamonds made from dust?” He shrugged. “Some things just are, Tadpole — no matter how difficult or impossible the circumstances.” His eyes found mine again. “I care about you because there is no other choice for me, and I love you the same.”
Butterflies buzzed to life in my stomach at his words, and I smiled, nudging him with my knee under the bar.
“Such a poet.”
“And I didn’t even know it,” he added with a grin, but it fell quickly, his eyes searching mine. “Talk to me.”
I sighed, sucking down the last of my drink before signaling to the bartender that I’d like another. I knew the hangover in the morning would likely kill me, but it was worth it to numb the pain tonight.
“You might need a cigarette.”
“I quit.”
I frowned. “You did? When?”
“The day after you asked me to.”
I thought back to the Sunday we’d spent mostly in his bed, the ending of our one and only weekend together. He’d lit a cigarette after we’d made love, and I joked about him needing to quit.
I couldn’t believe he’d actually done it.
My eyes traveled back to where the bartender was mixing my drink.
“I’m sorry I locked you out last night,” I said first, my voice as unsteady as the ice floating in my new margarita. “It’s just… it’s all so much for me right now. I can’t think straight. Nothing makes sense. And the things you said, the truth of them, I couldn’t handle it.” I shook my head. “Cameron has been talking to me more.”
Reese took a sip from his glass. “Yeah?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I know you don’t want to hear this, but we had an amazing weekend together. He came back to me,” I said, and then I shook my head. “No, it was more than that. He came back, but he also showed me layers of him I’d never seen before. We talked about how he felt after we lost our boys. He let me in on how it affected him. And we laughed, Reese.”
“You deserve to laugh.”
“It had been a while since I laughed with him,” I confessed. “Truly laughed, anyway.”
Reese spun his glass between his hands on the bar. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.
Another rumble of thunder found us, this one stronger, the breeze picking up as the storm rolled in.
I sipped on the fresh drink the bartender delivered, cringing at the strength of it. But I sucked down more, anyway. I needed liquid courage for what I was about to say next.
“He cheated on me.”
Reese stilled, his hands pausing on the glass, but he still didn’t look at me.
“Cameron. It was about a year after we lost the boys. I… I walked in on him one evening at work, trying to surprise him. I wanted to take him out for dinner.” I laughed, recalling the memory as if it were happening in that very moment. I could still see her navy pencil skirt gathered at her hips where she straddled him, could see her red manicured nails on his shoulders — the same color as her lips when she turned and smirked at me from where she sat.
“There’s this girl he works with often,” I said. “Natalia. She’s from one of the sister companies my uncle founded in New York City. She comes here a lot, though, to the home office, and she and Cameron are always on the same projects together.” I swallowed, stirring my drink with the straw. “She’s gorgeous. Long, tan legs, bright blonde hair, and she has these… eyes,” I said. “They’re like a crystal green, almost like cat eyes. She’s sexy.” I laughed. “She’s literally everything that I’m not.”
Reese turned to me then, and he opened his mouth to argue, but I shook my head.
“No, seriously, Reese. It’s a different level. And I don’t know, maybe part of me expected it when I showed up that night. She was sitting on him in his chair, straddling him. I walked in, and when I saw them, I dropped my purse.”
A flash of the sound of that, of my keys and purse hitting the floor, collided with the thunder at the beach bar.
I closed my eyes.
“Cameron threw her off of him, of course. Chased after me. He kept saying he was sorry, that he could explain, but when we got home that night, he had nothing to say for himself.” I shrugged. “He just held me and begged me for forgiveness. He told me there was no excuse, and he would never forgive himself for hurting me.”
“But you forgave him,” Reese said. “Didn’t you?”
“I did,” I admitted, something between a laugh and a cry leaving my lips. “But I never forgot. And I think that’s part of the problem, you know? This past weekend, I felt him — the old him. He made me laugh, he made me feel wanted, and I felt every beat of my heart still pounding with the love I’ve always had for him, for the love I always will have,” I said. “But, I’ll never forget what he did. And it’s not even really the sex,” I admitted. “That, I think I can forget. But I’ll never forget that when I needed him most, he found comfort in someone else. When I was breaking, when I was grieving, he was with her — letting her in, letting her comfort him when it was all I wanted to do.”
Best Kept Secrets: The Complete Series Page 36
