As much as he irritated me, Cameron had put his pride aside to come to my house. He was being a man, coming to me as an opponent, seeing the worthiness in me and the possibility that he could lose to me.
And more than that, he was here for Charlie.
I could see that most of all. He loved Charlie enough to accept the fact that he could lose her, and if that was the case, that he would wish the best for her, even still.
I respected him, but I still didn’t have to like him.
“Look,” I said to Cameron. “I don’t have much to say to you. Honestly, I just don’t think you deserve Charlie and I never have — not since the moment I came back into town and saw a lifeless shell in the place of a girl who used to be full of so much light. And I’m not saying you stole all of that away,” I clarified. “But, I do think you were part of it. And I want you to know if she chooses you, and you hurt her again, I will literally murder you.”
Cameron chuffed, as if the possibility were ludicrous, but I narrowed my eyes more.
“I’m serious.”
We stared at each other, each of us standing tall and square.
“But, if she chooses me, I promise you I will treat her right. I have never loved another the way I love Charlie, and I know I never will again. So, I will treat her like the air I’m lucky to breathe, and I’ll show her every day how much she means to me. I will give her everything she wants and needs, and I will not lose her the way you did,” I said, and Cameron swallowed, his demeanor breaking a little. “You have my word.”
He stared at me, like he was looking for a sign of weakness, a glimpse of what could be a lie. I knew he found nothing when he simply nodded, making his way toward the stairs of the porch.
“Then I guess there’s nothing left to say,” he said, and he held out his hand for mine.
I took his hand in a firm grip, shaking it just twice.
“May the best man win,” I said.
Cameron smirked, shaking his head as he pulled his hand away.
“The best man for her isn’t even playing, Reese,” he said, making his way down the stairs. “If he was, neither of us would stand a chance.”
When Cameron pulled away, I watched him go, thinking over what he’d said. He didn’t think either of us was the man for Charlie, that we deserved her, or that we were what she deserved.
But I knew better. I knew in my heart that I would make her happy — happier than she’d ever been, than she ever knew she could be.
Cameron was wrong.
And I swore to myself that if Charlie chose me, I would prove it.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
* * *
Charlie
Just like Reese promised me, he gave me space and time to think.
I knew it had to be killing him, sitting at home after what happened last night at the gala, not knowing what I was thinking.
Reese was so unlike Cameron in that respect. Communication was key for him, and he needed it from me to feel safe. Last night, I hadn’t been able to give him anything.
I still wasn’t sure I could.
But, whether I was ready or not, my decision had to be made. Not just because of the time I’d promised Cameron, but because it wasn’t fair of me to have both of the men I love tangled up in this mess with me. They deserved to know where they stood, no matter where that was. They deserved my respect and my honesty.
But before I could be honest with them, I had to be honest with myself.
I rode with the radio off the entire drive down to Jeremiah’s house. They were rebuilding it right on the same lot where his old one had stood, and today was the day they broke ground. All of the top associates of Reid’s Energy Solutions would be there, including my father and my husband, and I’d get to see the light in Jeremiah’s eyes as work began to bring his home back to life.
It should have been a happy day. It should have been a perfect day, one filled with only thankfulness and joy, but I’d lost the right to feel either of those emotions. The more I drove, the longer I sat in silence, the more I realized how uncomfortable I was in my own skin.
I just couldn’t shake the disbelief, or the new reality I’d found myself in. I was a broken record, stuck on the same track, constantly repeating the phrase how can this be?
On top of not even knowing who I was anymore, I had to search within myself to find the answer — an answer that seemed to elude me as much as the night eludes the sun.
Where did my happiness lie — with the boy I loved as a child, one who brought me back to life, or with the man I married, one whom I built my current life with?
In my heart, I already knew the answer, though I was scared to say it out loud. And more than that, I wondered if I even deserved what made me happy, anymore. How had I allowed myself to be with both of them the way I had, to enjoy their company, their love, all the while knowing I would hurt one of them in the end?
There was a constant ache in my chest, weighing down like an anvil of guilt. I pressed my fingers into that ache as I drove, but no pressure could relieve it. Nothing would make it better, make me better, make us better until I owned up to my feelings and I made a decision.
And the first thing I needed to admit to myself was that though I was disappointed in my actions, they had all been made with my heart and soul. I had listened to myself, to what I wanted and needed in the moments when I took them.
There was a reason I was still able to sleep at night, and when I searched below that guilt, below that shame, I found the answer — I did truly believe I deserved to be happy.
I had flaws, just like any other woman, and mine had been displayed on the highest shelf over the past few months. I had let my natural state of selflessness and care be overshadowed by the selfish wants and needs I’d always ignored. I’d let the monster inside me break free, let her roam wild, taking what she wanted with little care to how it affected those around her.
But I was a good woman, a good wife, a good teacher and daughter and, soon, I would be a good mother, too.
As my own mother once told me, we all fall from time to time. We are all sinners. We all make mistakes. But today, I would right my wrongs, and I would make my choice, and I would accept the consequences as they came.
When I pulled into the lot where everyone else had parked, I could already see the crowd forming around the podium Reid’s Energy Solutions had set up. There was just a lot of dirt behind it, and an entire row of shovels was propped against the workers’ shed, hard hats hanging on each of them. I watched from the car as the people milled around, shaking hands and chatting, news crews setting up their cameras for the speech my father would make. And instead of getting out of the car, I called Reese.
“Charlie?”
“Hey,” I breathed. It was the same sigh of relief from his end, that connection between us fixed just with one call.
“I didn’t think you’d call…”
“I know, I’m sorry,” I started, still staring out the windshield at everyone working before me. I spotted my Mom and Dad talking with the mayor first, and I knew Cameron had to be close. “Thank you, for giving me the time I asked for. The space.”
“Can you come over?”
“Not yet,” I answered. “I’m at the groundbreaking of Jeremiah’s house. But… I’ll come later. Tonight.”
“Okay,” he said, and I felt the questions hanging in the silence between us. He wanted to know my decision. He wanted to know everything I was thinking. But, I wasn’t ready to voice the thoughts I had.
The truth was, I didn’t trust them — not yet. There was something inside me holding back, keeping my words as prisoners along with my heart.
“I should go.”
“Wait,” he said. “Can you do something for me first?”
My eyes caught on Cameron across the yard, though his were locked on the woman he was talking to. She was flanked by a cameraman, her hand wrapped around a microphone as she spoke with Cameron, and I watched them as I answered Reese.
/> “Anything.”
“Close your eyes,” he said. “And I mean it, really close them.”
I chuckled, doing as he said. “They’re closed.”
“Okay. Now, I want you to come away with me, just for one moment. I want you to lie under the sheets of that fort we built together. Remember the candles, the wine? Remember the warmth when you curled into me, when my arm was around you?”
I smiled, feeling the sunshine through my windshield as the same warmth I remembered in Reese’s arms. “I remember.”
“Remember how it felt the first time we kissed,” he whispered. “The first time we really kissed, when we had each other after years and years of wanting. Do you remember how it felt to have my hands on you, to touch me, to have me as your own?”
It was easy to remember — so much so that I knew I’d never forget it, not as long as I lived. When he touched me for the first time, he washed me clean like an avalanche, leaving behind the same woman, yet one who was forever altered. I could still feel that charge of energy, that burst of heat, that overwhelming sensation of being right.
“I do,” I answered.
“Do you remember the song?” he asked, and on cue, that soft melody that played in my dreams filtered through the speaker of my phone. I smiled, leaning my head back against the head rest, remembering him playing shirtless at his piano like it was happening right now.
“I remember it all,” I told him, voice soft as I listened to the song playing. “Every second.”
“That happiness you felt with me, Charlie,” Reese said, his hands still working the keys. “It was real. It may not have been at the time you expected it, the time you felt was right. It may have even felt wrong. But the love I have for you is the kind that cannot be tamed, the kind that cannot be told what rules to follow or what lines to stay within. The love you have for me is the same.”
I kept my eyes closed, smiling though tears pricked behind my lids. I felt his every word like a muscle under my own skin — they were strong, undeniable and true.
“I know what I’m asking isn’t easy,” he said. “Asking you to love me when you’ve promised to love another, it isn’t fair. But Charlie, it is right. You and me? We are right. We may have missed an earlier opportunity, we may have led lives away from each other, but just like you said the night you came to me…”
“I’m the river,” I finished for him.
“And I, the ocean. It all comes back to us in the end, Charlie. It always has, and it always will.”
I choked on something between a laugh and a sob, finally letting my eyes flutter open.
“You don’t need to say anything right now, okay? I’ll wait here for you. I will wait as long as you ask me to.”
I shook my head, that ache pinging to life in my chest. “I love you, Reese.”
“I know,” he said softly. “And I love you, Charlie. I always will.”
I didn’t say another word, just listened to the last of his song, the notes of it sounding through my soul. When the last one played, I closed my eyes again, imagining Reese at his piano. And as I ended the call, letting my phone fall in my lap, I pictured myself sitting there on top of it, too.
The sound of my car door opening made me jump, and my eyes shot open again, finding Cameron standing above me. His eyes fell to the phone in my lap before they found mine, and he forced a smile, holding his hand down for mine.
“We’re about to get started,” he said. “Jeremiah and his family are over talking to the news outlets now, but I thought you might want to see them before the speech.”
“Yes.” I wiped my cheeks, though they were dry, before grabbing my purse out of the passenger seat and taking Cameron’s hand. “Yes, I want to see them.”
Cameron helped me out of the car, closing the door behind me, and then we stood there together, strangers and lovers all at once.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “I know last night was… I’m sorry, for leaving the way I did, and for sleeping in the guest room. I figured you needed your space.”
“I did. Thank you. And don’t apologize,” I added, shaking my head as I looked down at my little white sneakers in the dirt. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
Cameron breathed out a laugh, grabbing my hands in his. “I have many things that fall under that category, actually. I think you and I both know that.”
I smiled, but it fell quickly, my eyes still on the dirt beyond our hands.
“I have something for you.”
Cameron pulled his hands away, reaching into his back pocket to reveal a long, slender, black velvet box. He held it in both hands like an offering, like I was his queen, and I traced the edges of that box before my eyes trailed up his arms to his face.
“What is it?”
He swallowed, searching my eyes with his own as he opened the box.
For a moment, I just looked at him — at my husband — my own face mirrored in the warm brown reflection of his eyes. The way he looked in that moment reminded me of a day long ago, a day when he was unusually quiet, when I wondered for hours what was on his mind. He’d had the same crease between his brows that day, the same slight tremble in his hands.
It was the day he proposed.
I let myself breathe in that memory a moment longer before I finally gazed down, and when I did, I gasped.
Inside the box was a small, gold bracelet.
It was dainty, the chain slender and light, and in the center of it rested four stones. The center ones were an emerald and a sapphire, the green and blue gems reflecting the sunlight above us as Cameron carefully removed the bracelet from the box. Those two stones were hugged by pearls on each end, and I stared at those pearls as Cameron held the bracelet carefully, signaling for me to hold out my wrist.
“I know today is a day that will change our lives,” he said as I extended my hand forward, turning my wrist up. “And I also know your heart hurts today. I know I have hurt you, that I have failed you as a husband in so many ways, but I also know that you know I love you.”
He clasped the bracelet, and I turned my palm down again, staring at where the gemstones rested across my petite wrist bones.
“The emerald is your birth stone,” he said, holding my forearm in one hand as he used the other to point out the stones. “The sapphire is mine. And the pearls are for Jeremiah and Derrick.”
My heart squeezed at the sound of their names coming from Cameron’s lips, and though I knew it was unlikely, I swore I felt my newest child stir to life inside me, too.
“No matter what happens today, I want you to have us,” he said, his voice tender and soft. “I want you to remember me, and them. I’m sorry I ever tried to make you forget, that I ever thought that would fix the hole left in your heart by their passing.”
He tilted my chin up then, his knuckle resting there as he searched my eyes.
“I want you to stay, Charlie,” he whispered, his voice breaking on my name. “God, do I want you to stay. But no matter what you decide today, I want you to know it’s okay. I’m okay. As long as you’re happy, as long as your life is what you want it to be, I will be happy, too.”
“Cameron…”
“No, no, don’t say anything,” he pleaded. “Not yet. Please, just… if this is my last day to call you my own, let me have today.”
My eyes welled with tears, and I stared at my husband through them, wishing I could comfort him. I wished I could take his pain and Reese’s both. I wished I could go back and do something, anything, that might have prevented the pain from happening in the first place.
“I will be at home waiting for you tonight,” he said after a moment. “No matter what the decision is, it’s okay. Just… come home, and we will figure it out together.”
I rolled my lips between my teeth, holding them there as I nodded.
Cameron smiled, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine, like he was taking in the way the sunshine looked reflected in them just one last time. Then, he let my hand go, ste
pping back and releasing the tension between us.
“Let’s go talk to Jeremiah,” he said, and he held out an arm to escort me.
I slipped my hand inside, wrapping it around his bicep, and together we walked in a sort of daze toward the crowd.
I spoke with Jeremiah and his family, talked to my parents, listened intently as my father gave a speech, and clapped loudly with the rest of the crowd as the first shovel was planted into the ground. I watched as my husband shook hands with the mayor and Jeremiah’s parents, stared as he took photo after photo, and even smiled bright and confidently when I was asked to join.
I lived the day, and to anyone around me, it would have seemed like I was fine.
But inside, I was burning.
I was caught in the flames of the fire I had started, the one I’d wanted to warm me, now slowly killing me, instead. Both Cameron and Reese were my oxygen, but as much as they cleansed my lungs, they also fueled the fire. It was a deadly circle, a never-ending cycle of torture, and to stop it, I had to jump through the hottest part of the fire.
This was it.
My mind was made up, and my heart, too. Still, I knew I would feel the scars I was about to leave just as much as the man I’d mark them with.
Jane Austen once wrote that to love is to burn, and I never knew the true meaning of that until the very moment I singed my heart with the love I had for two men at once. I wasn’t supposed to love them both, and some would say it wasn’t possible, but I was living proof that it was.
Love had shown me a new side, one more painful than I could have ever imagined, and yet the promise of a beautiful, happy life lay just on the other side of the flames.
All that was left to do now was jump.
***
Left or right.
It was as simple as that, except it wasn’t simple at all.
If I went left, the road would eventually lead me to the house on the east side of Mount Lebanon — to the man I promised my life to, the one I’d imagined building a family with, the one who’d done everything in his power to try to keep me.
Best Kept Secrets: The Complete Series Page 46
