LIZ
When I got in my car, I connected my iPhone to the car charger so I could listen to “Wonderful Tonight.” I didn’t need anything more than that to make the tears start. I needed to hear “our song” one more time before I closed Nick’s door for good and stepped back into my present life. My tears flowed effortlessly. The floodgates weren’t just opened; they were torn off.
I needed to let it all out. After so long, I could finally say that Nick and I were not meant to be. Holding onto that kind of question for so many years is like walking around with lead in your heart. I was poisoned by the past, by the “would haves,” “could haves,” and “what ifs.” Finally, having the answer made me feel light and happy, made me feel free.
I unlocked the front door to my house and tiptoed into my office. I was desperate to get into my memory box before anyone woke up. In the car I remembered that it was the last letter that Nick had ever written me that I needed to read. His letter had arrived on what would have been our anniversary. I couldn’t put my finger on what specifically, but I knew there was something in that letter that was gnawing at me.
Dear Liz,
On this day, I guess it’s only natural for me to be thinking of you. Perhaps more than I should be. Today would have been our three-year anniversary if I hadn’t been such a fool. It’s been over three months since we’ve been in each other’s arms. It feels like a lifetime. As I sit here with our wonderful memories flashing through my head and my heart, I found it necessary to share my thoughts with you.
I’m finally feeling good about myself and my future. I got accepted into business school and will start in the fall. When you go through a difficult part of your life alone, you grow stronger. It’s amazing how your thoughts, dreams, and emotions come together when you do a lot of soul searching.
I never thought it would take so long to deal with losing you and losing us. I’ve realized what love really is, that I truly loved you and wanted to be with you forever. Now I have to start looking for someone as amazing as you. I wonder if she exists. You truly were everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be celebrating three years of wonder with you. Our relationship will always bring many sweet memories to my mind and heart. I hope the hurt is gone for you. All I want is for you to be happy, and if it’s not with me, I can accept that now. I hope you find the man of your dreams.
I feel like I could go on writing forever. But I know I’ve probably already said too much. This is not meant to hurt or confuse you. You’ve already made your choice to move on in your life. I hope it was the right choice. I just wanted you to know that I was still thinking about you, as I am sure I will for a very long time. I hope you are truly “just fine.”
My stupidity, selfishness, and immaturity cost me the woman of my dreams. I’ve tried everything I could to save what we had. Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Now I’m confident I did everything in my power. I don’t like to give up on something that means so much to me. I hope you see how sorry I am and how much I love you… still.
I remember that day when I dropped you off and we said goodbye for the last time. I will never forget you and I’ll always love you. We were really special together. I’m still surprised that it wasn’t our fate to be together forever. Still… I hope you will always smile when you remember the infinite number of great times we shared.
Liz, sometimes I can still feel your body next to mine and our souls as one. Life is wonderful for me, but I would give up everything to be with the woman I love.
I will always love you, Nick
I folded up the letter and placed it back in my memory box, exactly where it belonged. I knew Nick had said something very powerful. There it was in black and white, the last line of the letter. Nick saying his life was wonderful, but that he would give it all up to be with me. I had assumed that after so many years, those words and those feelings were just a memory. But here he was, a lifetime later, saying the exact same thing to me. My heart hurt today as much as it did the day I received it.
Feeling that wanted and desired almost made me give up everything I already had. Love.
I wiped my tears and headed to the kitchen. Braden was sitting at the table drinking from his Disney “Dad” mug, reading the L.A. Times, dressed in his usual khaki cargo shorts, t-shirt, and baseball cap. He looked so normal; everything looked the same.
Braden stood up to greet me and reached out for a hug. “Hey, love. How was the reunion?”
I hugged him tight, took in his scent. It felt so good to be in his arms where I knew I belonged.
Tenderly he tucked a long piece of hair from my face and placed it behind my ear. “Uh oh babe, you lost your earring.”
“No, I didn’t. I almost did, but I didn’t.” I was stuttering to get the words out. “Don’t ask,” I pleaded.
“Okay, I won’t ask. But are you all right? You seem rattled. Did something happen at the reunion?”
I was so grateful for the distraction. I told him how Enrique showed up and all the other gossip of the night. A bigger person might have confessed to how she almost slept with her college beau, how she was moments away from doing something she could never take back. But that person is not me. Sure, there are some days I feel guilty and think I should have told Braden what really happened. But I didn’t sleep with Nick, and whether he knew it or not, he saved my marriage.
I was feeling unappreciated and unloved. Nick, like a shiny diamond, gave me a false sense of beauty and sparkle. Nick helped me see things clearly on that fateful day. The day I almost lost it all, but instead I gained everything.
So no, I didn’t tell Braden. But like I told my ten-year-old daughter, sometimes a lie is okay when it’s done out of love.
JULIA
Saturday was a regular day. We went to the park, ran errands, and played with Barbies. While Arielle was napping, I packed my overnight bag and put it in the trunk of my car. She was only three years old, but she might innocently mention my suitcase to my sister or Aaron.
My stomach was dancing in anticipation of seeing Tyrone. It had been over two weeks, and I missed him so much. He texted me his room number, so I just waltzed by the front desk, and no one said a word.
When he opened the door, I felt my body immediately relax. Just being in the same room with Ty soothed me.
“Hey, angel. So good to see you.” Ty hugged me tight and planted a nice soft kiss on my lips.
I kissed him back. “Hey to you, gorgeous. I’ve missed you so much.”
There were candles all over the room and soft music playing in the background. He went over to the wet bar and poured me a glass of Riesling, my new favorite.
“Here, sweetheart, take a sip while I finish setting up.” I peeked over, and on the bed was a big white fluffy towel draped over the comforter. On the nightstand there was an assortment of lotions and oils. “Come over here, darling. Lay down on the towel.”
I followed his orders. “Do I keep my clothes on?”
“For now, you do. I will take your clothes off as I’m going.”
“Okay, Ty.” I was intrigued. The only time I ever got a massage was when I paid for one at the spa.
Ty rubbed his hands together to create warmth and gently touched my head. He ran his fingers down my scalp, his fingers stroking my hair. He felt amazing, and my head sank deeper into the bed.
He gently massaged my face and then my neck, and then moved his soft strong hands all over my body. I felt calm and relaxed, my heart rate lowering with each warm touch.
His voice was low. “I want you to feel what I feel for your stunning body, Julia. Surrender to me and I will take my time and show you how beautiful you are.”
“Okay,” was all I could manage to say. I felt so relaxed, almost dreamlike.
He pulled up my shirt, but didn’t take it off. His hands focused on my belly, my inner thighs, and my hips. He pulled my yoga pants down to my knees, and then his hands
slowly moved in circles a bit closer to my where I was aching to be touched. I arched up, asking him with my body to caress me there.
“Not yet, beautiful. As exquisite as your pussy is, it’s the other curves, the contours, that are the true canvas.”
He continued to massage my entire body. I was so turned on by his touch. He rolled me over and fondled my round bum, kneading one cheek at a time in his muscular hands. His fingers teased my booty and pussy by barely grazing them. He caressed every inch of my body before his hands homed in where I was aching.
An hour must have passed, but time seemed to stand still for me. I had never felt so much pleasure from simply being touched.
Tyrone’s hands moved perfectly in tune as he felt my body urging for more. His fingers massaged my inner thighs and moved closer and closer to my pussy. By the time his fingers landed there, I was soaked, the moistness seeped onto my panties.
“Oh, Julia, I love your creamy nectar. You are so incredibly hot.”
His fingers roamed in and around my pussy slowly, gently, and deliberately, not his typical fast magical hands. Just when I thought he would bring me to orgasm, Ty stopped touching me and told me to sit up. He got naked and sat on the bed with his legs extended.
“Julia, come sit on my lap with your legs wrapped around me.”
I did as he instructed; his body felt so warm against mine.
“Just look at me. Focus on one of my eyes.”
I tried to, but being so close to him with my eyes open made me feel vulnerable. I unconsciously looked down.
“Keep your eyes open, baby,” Ty instructed me lovingly. Ty gently lifted my face up with his soft hands. “Julia, stay with me, baby.” His gaze transfixed with mine. He braced me by holding my hands on my breasts with his on top. “Now we’re going to synchronize our breathing. We’ll breathe in together, exhale together.”
I followed his lead, and very quickly we were breathing in harmony. It reminded me of yoga, and I felt incredibly relaxed.
“Good, Julia. You are a fast learner. Now we are going to move into breath exchange. When I inhale, you exhale, and then when I exhale, you inhale. It’s like we are breathing each other in.”
I loved the idea of breathing Ty in. Any way we became “one” made me feel whole. We continued for a few minutes, and then Ty started caressing my breasts and softly kissing me. His hips rocked very slowly as he nibbled on my neck. His cock became rock hard as he seamlessly slid into my wetness.
In his deep sexy voice, he whispered, “You are so beautiful, Julia. Making love to you is the most incredible thing on earth.”
He rocked inside of me so slowly we were barely moving, but the intensity of our foreplay had my insides on fire. As I got close to orgasm, I wanted to move a little faster, but Ty would slow me down.
“Breathe, baby. Follow me. That’s it: inhale, exhale.”
I was at that peak place of perfection and wanted to explode, but just as I was about to orgasm, he would slow it down again. It was as though I was coming over and over again, but with no endgame.
I was lost in another world where all I felt was complete and utter bliss. I heard Ty say he was going to cum and then, only then, did my body convulse into an epic unleashing of pleasure.
I rolled off of Ty and collapsed onto the bed. Ty pulled me in close and wrapped his arm around me. “Sweet girl, you were in another world. I never heard you moan like that before.”
“Wow, Ty. That was unbelievable.” I kissed him on the lips. “Thank you, darling.”
Tyrone chuckled. “Thank you, huh? I don’t think I ever got a thank you after sex before.”
“Well, I’ve never experienced that kind of intensity before. It warrants a big thank you.”
We lay in bed afterwards just holding each other. Ty traced his fingers down my neck, down the sides of my breasts, my hips.
“God, I love you, Julia.”
Nervous that I had misheard him, I pulled away for a moment. “What did you say, Tyrone?”
“You heard me right, Julia. I love you. I’ve been trying to deny it, but I just can’t anymore. I really love you.” His pupils were huge, and his face was nervously scanning mine for a response.
I had been feeling it too, but I was so afraid to admit it. “I love you too, Ty.” I ran my finger along his lips. They were so incredible, the things they did to my body and now those perfect words formed on those sensuous lips.
He kissed me tenderly and embraced me. His body felt so warm and protective, like I was meant to be in that spot.
“Shit, Julia. I figured we might develop feelings, but not this soon and definitely not this deep. You are amazing. I should have known I’d fall head over heels in love with you.”
I had to fight back the tears. To hear someone as incredible as Ty say that I was amazing, that he was in love with me, was more than I’d hoped for. Fuck, life seemed so unfair at times.
I sat up in bed so I could really look at him while we were talking.
“Ty, you are the amazing one. Everything you do and say and who you are just blows my mind. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”
“Be with me then, Julia.”
“What? What do you mean, Ty?”
“I mean leave Aaron and be with me.”
“What about our spouses and our kids?” I was shocked at Ty’s request.
“I know it’s asking a lot, Julia. But I’ve given it a lot of thought. Neither one of us is happily married. Life is too short. Say you’ll leave Aaron and be with me.”
My mouth opened, but no words came out. I was stunned. Sure, I’d fantasized about a life with Ty, but to actually do it in reality? That was something I’d need to think about. Hard.
“Ty, I do love you, I really do, and I love being with you. But I don’t know if I can just leave Aaron. Arielle is so little. I can’t stand the idea of not being with her every single day.” The idea of that hurt more than I could imagine.
“At least say you’ll give it some thought.” His eyes pleaded with mine.
“Okay, I promise.”
The next night, I tossed and turned in bed. I got almost no sleep at all. I stared up at the ceiling fan. It was turning so slowly, I figured it must be broken. Surely it wasn’t circulating any air at that speed, but it was still moving. Then I laughed to myself. That silly fan was a lot like me and my life before Tyrone: going through the motions, but moving so slowly it—I—was barely breathing.
Then there was Ty, who was like a wind storm, a veritable Ty-nado. He was wild and crazy and made me feel so full of life. How could I stay with Aaron when I wanted so much to be with Ty? The only time I felt alive was when I was with Tyrone. The rest of my days were spent just going through the motions.
I wondered what my Orange County housewife friends would say about Ty. He was black and Christian and married. But I realized that trying to make other people happy is fruitless. Ty made me happy, and that was all that mattered.
My happiness had to count for something. If there was one thing I wanted to teach my daughter, it was what real love was. I wanted her to know that kind of love. I wanted to teach her how important it is to be kind and generous and loving and sweet. I promised myself I’d teach her to be good and work hard and to be honest.
Above all else, I wanted her to know that she has to love herself before anyone else can love her back. And no matter what anyone else says, to pick a partner that’s right for her. Fight for the love you want and deserve. I had given up that kind of love with Kevin so I could marry someone my family approved of. It felt like I was being given another chance now.
Was I too late? Had I made my rich girl bed and now had to lie in it?
How could I choose between my own happiness and the one person who I loved more than myself? Arielle was my life. If I left Aaron, I wouldn’t see her every day. She needed me and I needed her. I felt sick knowing that whatever I decided, someone’s heart would be broken.
I know many people think I’m selfish
and self-centered. I won’t deny it; there is truth in that. But what most people don’t see is that I love with ferocity and passion. And for all I lack in modesty, I love my daughter more than anything. My decision was made for me, even before I decided.
❧
Tyrone and I agreed to meet at the hotel again, this time during the day. I had so much I had to tell him.
We hugged and kissed hello, and then I asked him to sit on the couch.
“So listen, Tyrone. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” I had rehearsed what I was going to say.
Ty took my hands in his, but almost in a symbolic gesture, I pulled my hands back.
“I love you, Ty, so much. You make me so happy; I mean that. You are amazing, and I love every moment we have spent together.”
His eyes got sad. “But…”
“But I love Arielle more, and I can’t bear to think of not being able to tuck her in every single night.”
Ty sighed deeply. “I understand. I had hoped for a different answer, but see, even your devotion and love for Arielle makes me love you even more.”
Tears rolled down my face. I tried to keep from crying, but it was too much for me to hold in anymore.
“Come here, sweetheart.” Ty wrapped his arms around me so I could cry on his chest. He ran his hands down my hair to soothe me. “It’s okay, Julia. It’s going to be all right.”
I pulled away a bit so I could look up at him. “So now what? Do you still want to see me?”
“Of course, love,” he answered emphatically.
“Even though it’s not how you really want me?”
“Julia, I will take you anyway I can have you. The idea of not being able to see you makes me feel sick. Even if you can’t leave your family, we can still continue on like we are. Right?”
“Yes, darling. I would love that more than anything.” And I meant it.
Sex and the Social Network Page 26
