by Addison Cole
“Just think of how much wider your vocabulary is now.” Serena picked up a bottle of lube. “Now, boys and girls, this is called a lubricant. Can you say lubricant? Oh, what’s it for, you ask? Well, after being around sticky fingers all day, Miss Cleary likes to get a different type of sticky—”
“Geez!” Desiree snatched the bottle out of Serena’s hand. “You sound like my friend Emery.”
“You have a dirty-minded best friend, too?” Mira eyed her bestie. “Serena has worn off on me, so watch out. Emery might wear off on you.”
She didn’t need to know it was Rick, not Emery, who had unlocked her inner sexy girl.
Mira held up a pair of edible underwear. “I’ll be back later for these.”
“Why stop there?” Serena held up a whip. “Turn it up a notch. You can’t get this stuff anywhere around here. I think the closest place is P-town. We were going to brainstorm about marketing. Do you have time now? You could corner the market on this stuff so easily.”
“I’ve been so busy since we set out the signs and flyers, I think we’ll be okay. At least for now.” Desiree heard voices in the gallery and went to investigate.
Cosmos barked at a young couple who was looking around with confused expressions. Desiree picked up Cosmos. “Hi. Can I help you find something?”
The couple shared a secret smile, and the guy handed her a flyer. “We got this at the Earth House. Is this the right place?” The Earth House was an eclectic record and clothing shop a few miles away.
Desiree quickly scanned the flyer. Best sex shop around! It went on to list a few of their products, and the address. Swallowing her shock at the changes her sister had made to the flyers, she said, “It sure is,” and waved toward the open door, catching sight of Mira and Serena inspecting a box.
Violet’s motorcycle roared into the driveway, and Desiree carried Cosmos outside. Violet climbed off her bike and took off her helmet, carrying it under one arm as she sauntered across the driveway.
“Have a fun afternoon?” Desiree set Cosmos on the ground.
Violet bent to pet Cosmos. “Actually, yes. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to get to know a place. I hit some of the shops in Brewster, and went down to Breakwater Beach.”
Desiree swallowed her complaint about Violet blowing off their schedule. Violet was a wanderer, like their mother. For her to want to get to know the area said something, and it felt like progress.
Serena and Mira came outside giggling.
“Do you get to test the products?” Serena asked.
“No!” Can I? Do I want to? Oh my gosh. I think I might!
Violet smirked. “That right there is the look of someone who wants to break the rules.”
“Oh, I love breaking rules,” Serena said.
Desiree introduced the three of them, then popped inside to check on the customers. When she came back out, Mira had a troubled look in her eyes.
“I’m a mother,” Mira said. “Breaking rules isn’t really my thing.”
Violet scoffed. “Are you kidding? Naughty mommies are the bomb.” She eyed Serena. “I think it’s time we dare these girls into finding their inner badass.”
“We’re going to get along so well.” Serena rubbed her palms together. “We could dare them to get arrested.”
Mira and Desiree said, “No,” in unison.
“No arrests,” Violet said, and Desiree breathed a sigh of relief. “Something simple but different for them. Crotchless underwear.”
“Yes! Crotchless!” Serena squealed. “At Rick’s goodbye party in two weeks. That’s the perfect send-off for two lovers. But you have to come, Violet.”
Desiree felt like she’d been body-slammed. Rick’s goodbye party. How could they already be planning to say goodbye when she felt like they’d just found each other? She crossed her arms against the longing taking hold and forced herself to focus on the thought of wearing crotchless panties around Rick and how thrilling it would be. For both of us. She imagined letting it “slip” that she was wearing them and Rick being unable to control himself. A thrum of excitement rushed through her, pushing the longing to the side. Oh yeah, she would wear those panties for him.
“Think I’d miss seeing my sister squirming like a schoolmarm in those sexed-up panties?” Violet shook her head. “No way.”
Feigning her best annoyed expression to cover her newfound riskiness, Desiree said, “You know Rick has spent the night all week.” She lifted her chin and said, “I am perfectly capable of owning my inner bad girl without a dare.”
“You can’t even say badass,” Violet pointed out.
“I don’t have to be trash-mouthed to be a bad…girl.”
“I can say ‘badass,’ but I can’t go crotchless at a bonfire,” Mira said. “My son, Hagen, will be with me.”
“Is he looking up your shorts?” Violet asked.
“Well, no, but still…” Mira’s voice trailed off.
“Mira!” Serena waggled her brows. “Think of the payoff afterward. I want to do it, and I don’t even have a man!”
Desiree was imagining all the ways she could taunt Rick. He’d lose his flipping mind! But she wasn’t going to bet on their sex life. Instead, she decided to turn it around on Violet. “I don’t need a dare.”
Violet’s eyes widened in surprise.
“I’m going to do it anyway, but I’m not telling you when,” Desiree added. “That’s private. But…since I’m going to do it anyway, you have to stick to a schedule for a week. Seven solid days of showing up on time to a fair and equitable work schedule.”
Violet rolled her eyes.
“What’s the matter?” Desiree taunted. “Not badass enough to handle it?”
RICK PUSHED TO his feet, wiped the sweat from his brow, and gazed down at the beach, where Matt and Hagen were busy creating another elaborate sandcastle. Matt had been a professor at Princeton before getting a major publishing contract and falling in love with Mira. He’d chosen to write full-time and remain at the Cape, rather than going back to teaching. Every time Rick saw how happy their family was, he thought about how much his father had missed out on. But today he turned those thoughts on himself. He’d spent more than an hour on the phone with his partners earlier. The battle between them had become so contentious, Rick found himself wondering why he was fighting so hard to go back. He’d invested well, and had more than enough money to live on. But he’d built his business from the ground up, and walking away would mean leaving a piece of himself behind. A big piece. The successful, prove-he-could-do-it-for-his-father piece.
“What do you think?” Drake called out to him.
It took a moment for Rick to realize Drake was talking about the patio they’d been working on for the past two days. His eyes swept over the earth-toned stones covering the width of the recreation building and spilling out in a wavy pattern toward the beach with a built-in fire pit on the far right. He imagined playing his guitar and sitting by the fire with Desiree on a cold winter night. Maybe they could swing up for the holidays together.
“We did a heck of a job,” he answered.
“Dad would have loved this.” Drake pointed to the fire pit. “Can’t you see him sitting over there with one arm around Mom, telling some story about his days as a fighter pilot?”
Rick laughed, remembering his father’s penchant for embellishing. “The man could lie like a rug.”
Drake motioned in the direction of Matt and Hagen. “I’m glad Hagen’s got Matt. Mira’s a wonderful mother, but there’s a difference between a father and mother, and their relationship with sons.”
“Single parents bring up kids all the time. Look at us.”
“We were teenagers when we lost Dad. That’s different. Do you think Mom would have laughed at us burping the alphabet? Or thought it was ‘epic’ when we rode our dirt bikes into that mucky marsh? Remember? She made us hose off outside and yelled at Dad for taking us to a diner when we were so dirty.”
Rick smiled with the memory
. “Man, we were lucky to have him.”
“Yeah. They say women are the ones with the ticking clock, but how can you be around Hagen and not think about it?” Drake wiped his hands on his shorts and pushed the plate compactor to the edge of the patio. “Maybe it’s easier for you, since you’re not usually around him so much.”
“Maybe that’s why I never really thought about it until recently.”
“Makes sense,” Drake said. “Wait. You’re thinking about it now?”
Rick shrugged. “Not in an I-want-kids-now way, but just in general.”
“I think Desiree kick-started your heart again. About time, if you ask me.”
“She wants to go sailing.” The confession surprised him as much as it appeared to have surprised Drake. “I can’t look at her without wanting to try to get on that boat.”
“I’m sure she’ll understand if you explain…”
“I did, and she does.” He forced himself to ask the question he’d been carrying with him since he’d told Desiree about his father. “Why didn’t we ever talk about that night?”
“I talked about it all the time,” Drake said, meeting his gaze. “With Mom, with the grief counselor.”
Blood pounded in Rick’s ears as he opened a door he’d all but nailed shut. “I mean us, Drake. Why didn’t we ever talk about it?”
“You didn’t exactly want to talk back then.” There was a hint of defensiveness in his brother’s tone, and more than a hint in his eyes. “And you’ve clammed up ever since.”
“Don’t you find that messed up?” It came out as an accusation, and he hated himself for it, because it wasn’t Drake’s fault. “We were the ones on the deck. We were the ones who couldn’t save him.” His voice escalated, and he ground his teeth, regaining control, a silent war raging between him and his demons. “Us, Drake. Not the grief counselor. Not Mom or anyone else. We were in it together that night.”
“We still are,” Drake said evenly. “It’s on our shoulders, and it always will be. We. Couldn’t. Save. Him.”
Pain gripped Rick so hard he couldn’t move.
“Don’t do this again, Rick,” Drake seethed. “You’ve pulled away for seventeen years. I’m right here, and I’m ready to talk. Do you blame yourself? Is that what’s kept you away? Because no one blames you.”
Anger clawed up his torso, tightening like a noose around his neck. “No. And I don’t blame you, either.”
“Then what is it?” Drake pleaded.
“I don’t know.” Rick paced, hands fisted at his sides. “I know we couldn’t save him. I thought I dealt with all of this. I can go on the water, in the water, over the water. But I get near a sailboat and I choke. Like I’ve never put it behind me.”
The pain in Drake’s eyes was palpable. “Because you didn’t. Mira and I pushed through it when Mom made us. We went out on that frigging boat and cried, and cursed, and fought, until there was nothing left to be angry at. We let him go, Rick, but you refused. Don’t you remember fighting with me when I tried to drag your ornery butt down to the boat a few weeks after the accident? You gave me a shiner.” He laughed under his breath. “I had to tell everyone I beat some kid up just to save face from admitting my younger brother clocked me.”
We fought? Rick didn’t know if he should laugh or worry over having no memory of the incident. “I don’t remember that.”
“No?”
Rick shook his head.
“I knew a part of you had disappeared after we lost Dad, but I didn’t realize you’d lost that part of yourself, too.” Drake’s voice turned thoughtful. “We were all in shock, but you buried your feelings so deep you were untouchable. As a teenager, you hid behind music, and sports, and never slowed down enough to think, much less feel. And as an adult…Bro, you know why you work eighty hours a week, hundreds of miles away from us. But since you’ve been back, there’s been no place for you to hide.”
“Tell me about it. I see him in everything. In you and Mira. Even Hagen,” Rick admitted. “Sometimes it’s too much.”
“That’s a shame. I see Dad everywhere, too. But I’m glad for it, because not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. Getting a glimpse of him is a relief. A momentary gift.”
“I want to feel that so bad, Drake. You have no idea. I think about that night all the time.”
“I can only imagine,” Drake said. “But how can you see the light if you don’t get rid of the darkness? That night’s still eating away at you. I think about that hellacious night, and I want to punch something, or take revenge on the sea. But—”
“There’s no revenge for a prickly beast.” Rick rubbed the knot at the base of his neck, breathing deeply and knowing his brother was right. He’d talked to the counselor, but he’d never done the one thing that mattered most. He’d lost his father that night at sea, but he’d never really let him go.
“I didn’t plan on working eighty hours a week.” He needed Drake to know the truth. “I wanted to make him proud, and I couldn’t pull myself together here. Then things got away from me. Working became a way of life.”
Drake raked a hand through his hair with a tortured expression. “I get it. But you’re here now, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back here for good.”
Rick knew what he had to do. “Can you handle the patio?”
He took a step away and Drake grabbed his arm. “Forget the patio.” He hauled him into an embrace. “Love you, bro.”
TWENTY MINUTES LATER, Rick walked along the moorings as if he were walking the plank. The darkening sky mirrored his emotions as each heavy footstep brought him closer to the ghosts of his past. His heart beat violently against his ribs as he passed one, two, three boats, stopping at the fourth. His eyes remained trained on the wood beneath his feet, refusing to rise. Inhaling a lungful of brisk air, he forced his gaze upward. The dark cabin windows stared back at him like snake eyes.
They say the faces of those you’ve lost fade from memory. But even now, seventeen years later, Rick could picture his father’s smiling eyes, his unruly dark hair bending at the wind’s will, and his thick arms, defined by hard work and the relentless pursuit of living life to the fullest, as he reached over the edge of the boat.
Give me your hand, Ricky boy. I’ll haul ya up.
Rick crossed his arms, a barrier between him and his father’s ghost.
Afraid? What’s the worst that can happen? You slip and fall in the water? Big deal. So, you swim, son. That’s why you have limbs.
He smiled, despite his heartache. His father had always been infuriatingly positive. Getting on the boat should be a piece of cake, but tears burned his eyes, and the longing in his chest felt like a never-ending abyss he wouldn’t be able to climb out of once he fell in.
Stepping on that boat meant…finally accepting his dad was gone?
He’d thought he’d done that the awful night they’d lost him. But if that wasn’t the issue, what was? If I knew the answer, I’d get on the frigging boat.
Holding his breath, he reached for the bow with shaking fists. Unfurling them was like bending iron. Closing his eyes, he touched his fingertips to the cool, sleek fiberglass, gritted his teeth, and pressed his palms flat.
See? Stable as the day is long.
His father’s voice drew his eyes open, and his gaze swept over the cabin. Flashes of that awful night barreled into him, and he slammed his eyes shut again, willing himself to remain standing and accept the torture once and for all. He was done hiding, done running. His entire body battled him, from the bones in his feet trying to carry him away to the very tips of his fingers struggling to let go. But he stood strong as the howling winds and sheeting rain of seventeen years ago pummeled him anew. The erratic sounds of the choppy sea roared in his ears. The deluge of waves pounded over the deck, and the screeching of the boat’s hardware sliced him open. The dense whoosh of the boom and the deadly thud sent him stumbling backward, as if he himself had been carried into the sea. He dropped to his knees, tears spilling dow
n his cheeks. His shoulders slumped, and his head fell heavily into his hands, but he didn’t run. He didn’t fight the fear or the gut-wrenching agony as the memory of Drake holding him back from launching himself into the black water pinned him to the ground.
I’m getting on that stinkin’ boat.
He forced his eyes open, and a hand shot down and grabbed his arm, hauling him to his feet. It took Rick a second to push out of the past and into the present, where Drake stood sure and steady before him.
“What are you doing here?” Rick’s voice was thick with emotion.
“Whatever it takes.”
Rick didn’t hesitate, didn’t give the past time to hold him back from his future. With Drake by his side, he climbed onto the boat, determined to be the man his father had raised him to be, and the man Desiree deserved.
Chapter Fourteen
DESIREE LAY AWAKE watching the sun sneak through the new coral curtains, thinking about how much had changed since she’d arrived. How much she’d changed. With Violet in her life, her days were anything but structured. Her sister really did stink at keeping to a schedule, but Desiree was coming to accept that Violet wasn’t being volitionally rebellious. It was just the way she was wired.
She rolled onto her side, careful not to wake Cosmos, who was lying on the foot of the bed, and ran her finger along Rick’s strong, scruffy jaw. She’d never been the type of person to stay overnight with a boyfriend, because she had a busy schedule and liked to stick to it. During the summers, she usually tried to make it to Emery’s early riser’s yoga class a few days each week, and during the school year she liked to go over her lesson plans for each day before class. Getting off schedule at home would leave her feeling restless, but here, between the shop, getting to know Violet, caring for Cosmos, and her favorite thing of all, spending time with Rick, she barely had time to slow down and worry about anything. Or rather, worry about things like schedules. She had plenty of other worries, like had they chosen the right appliances and paint colors for the kitchen, and would the flower boxes keep Cosmos from escaping? Luckily, paying her mother’s mortgage wasn’t one of them. The sales from the shop were taking care of that. She’d even dropped the mortgage payment into the mail early.
