“It makes you sad, too.” Nothing in his tone disguised the faint undercurrent. “Why does it make you sad?”
He slowed the horse. “We’re crossing water, so I’ll answer on the other side.” The moment he said it, she heard the splashing of water tumbling over rocks and she quieted so he could concentrate. The world tilted slightly and the horse’s muscles bunched beneath her, Jason released her waist, but his arms were rock solid on either side of her, and she fisted the pommel.
Water soaked the edge of her skirt and then they were across and trotting up the other side. A laugh worked loose and she giggled.
“Like that, did you?” His amusement made everything in her go hot and tight.
“Yes,” she admitted. “It feels strange, but I can feel all of it—the way his muscles flex and yours. Then the water was cold and it’s bumpy and then smooth…it’s hard to describe.” So many different sensations and no words explained the tingling inside of her from his nearness.
“We’ve left Kane land,” he told her and an edge returned to his voice. “Out here, we have a few other dangers we may encounter. I need you to promise, no matter what you hear, that if I tell you to do something, you’ll do it immediately.”
“I will, I promise.”
Despite her word, he didn’t relax. “Thank you.”
“Jason, why are you sad?” If thinking her dead had made him sad, her appearance should have brightened him, yet there darkness in his tone that suggested so much more. She waited and when his arm came around her again, she caught his hand in hers. Threading her fingers through his, she smiled as he gripped her nearly as tightly as she held onto him.
“Because the world is not a friendly place, Olivia. I’ve made my share of enemies over the years. Partially because I thought I was doing the right thing and partially because some people want power and will do anything in the pursuit of it.” He sighed. “My enemies wouldn’t hesitate to hurt you to get to me.”
The words should have frightened her, but they didn’t. She wasn’t so sheltered that she didn’t know danger lurked in the world. Fevers. Stampedes. Bandits. Danger and cruelty went hand in hand. “That’s why you wanted me on the ranch and out of town. Are your enemies here?”
“Not yet. Though we’ve had word they are on their way. Olivia, one of the reason’s the town was infected was because of men who wanted to hurt us.” But there was more. “I couldn’t stop it when it happened because they had already caught me. I was arrogant and that arrogance cost you.” Careful, so careful and she heard what he didn’t say. He blamed himself.
The reminder hurt. Her parents’ death had been caused. She didn’t understand how, but she didn’t have to understand it to fix this part. Grief and worry vied for her attention, but Jason was with her and so very much alive.
“Stop it, Jason,” she ordered. “You’re one man, and you just said if you could have you would have.” It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly strong enough. “You were a prisoner.” Had they hurt him?
“Your parents…”
“No.” She shook her head once and pushed the words past the hard lump in her throat. “My parents died, yes. I understand that. From everything you said, a lot of people died. You didn’t make them sick. You didn’t cause their deaths.”
He sighed.
“Say it. Say it like you believe me. I know you. You couldn’t do this to people…” She needed him to say it.
“I can.” The resignation in his voice staggered her. “I have killed. I will kill again. Nothing you say can pretty that up.”
She opened her mouth and then closed it again. How could she respond to that? Who had he killed? “What haven’t you told me?”
“A great many things. Things I don’t want to tell you.” The mere fact he admitted so much said he planned to, no matter the cost to him. Her heart ached at the idea of him cutting himself for her.
“Then don’t.” She wasn’t sure who was more surprised by her declaration, him or her? He halted the horse.
“Olivia…”
Taking advantage of the animal’s stillness, she twisted in the saddle to cant her face toward him. “No, listen to me. If it hurts you to rip yourself open and talk about all of this, don’t do it. If you need me to hear you, I will and I promise, I won’t judge. I won’t judge any of it.” How could she? He sounded so lonely, so afraid and that was the darkness she’d been hearing since they’d reunited on the boardwalk.
Fear.
Her Jason wasn’t afraid of anything and something had made him afraid. She wanted to hurt whatever it was and make it stop, but she didn’t have that power. For the first time in her life, she cursed the darkness she lived in. She wanted to see him and show him it would be okay.
“I love you.” Fierceness filled her. “I love you. Don’t hurt yourself for me. Please.”
“You are the only thing in this world worth hurting for.” His declaration took her breath away. “You see me. I don’t know how you do it, or why, but you have always seen me—even when others don’t. I’m not a good man and I haven’t been for a long time. I’m sorry for that, sorrier than I can ever tell you. You deserve someone much better than me.”
“Stop.” She reached up, seeking his face, and feathered her fingers against his cheek. He shuddered and the weight of his cheek pressed against her palm. “Please stop hurting. Please.”
“It’s all right,” he told her.
“No, it’s not.” If he wouldn’t defend himself, then she would. “Why should you have to suffer?”
“Because I have you back. You’re alive. I want that hurt, because it means I have you.” Jason kissed her palm and extinguished the heat from her argument.
“I’m not leaving again,” she promised him. “Never again.”
She thought he might accept it, instead he nudged her back into place and said, “Don’t make any promises yet.”
Biting her tongue, she went mute and waited. That was the other missing piece of the puzzle. Fear, sadness, and a certainty she would go. They were all tangled together in his cool words. Very well Jason, she promised him, suddenly very glad he couldn’t hear her thoughts. You finish telling me and then I’ll show you that I meant what I said. I love you and I’m not leaving you alone again.
She might be the one who was blind, but her Jason had been in the dark too long.
Jason, Old Dorado
Scorched earth and blackened soot marks were all that remained of Dorado. He’d made only one pilgrimage to the remains of the town in the weeks after Scarlett burned it down. One. He dismounted then helped Olivia down. She grimaced and leaned into him rather than stand.
“Legs sore?” Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed so hard to come all the way in one day. They’d make it back onto Kane land before nightfall, but he’d packed enough to sleep in one of the remote cabins if necessary.
“I think I’ve discovered a new affection for hard coach seats.” Her laughter didn’t disguise her discomfort. Bracing her with one hand, he pulled her walking stick free and pressed it into her hand.
“Can you manage for a moment? I want to let Shorty graze and rest.” Even with her nod, he kept a sharp eye on her as she limped a couple of steps away. He made short work of stripping the horse’s tack and rubbing him down before letting him loose to graze. Scanning the area around them visually, he tested for the presence of other minds. Nothing touched the silence curtaining his mind.
Did that mean no one was there or that he couldn’t act with Olivia in such close proximity? Not knowing the answer to the question bothered him. He had to have faith that the wolf had followed him. Cody hadn’t mentioned it, but the man had the look about him and he’d been damn determined that Jason make it right with Olivia.
Her low groan had him focused on her. “Did you hurt something?”
“Only an indelicate topic.” She grimaced and took another awkward step. “How do you do that all day?”
“I don’t.” He had a moderate soreness, but he’d been
riding horseback since he’d learned to walk. Maybe before, if his Pa was to be believed. “Take a few more steps. You have an open area, no significant rocks or breaks in the land. Walk it off.”
She blew out a breath and followed his advice. Each hobbling step she took elicited another little groan and he coughed to mask a low chuckle. “Jason,” her voice floated to him.
“Yes, Olivia?”
“Stop laughing at me.” The watery smile in her words beckoned him closer. He let her take a few more steps and studied the area around them once more.
“I’m not laughing at you,” he told her solemnly. They were very much alone as far as he could tell. That didn’t mean Cody wasn’t out there, he couldn’t really read the wolf. Making a note to test a few theories with the Morning Star mated pair if they’d allow it, he gave Olivia his full attention.
She’d stopped right at the edge of a blackened mark. “We’re at the town. The old town, aren’t we?”
“Yes.” He joined her, glad she couldn’t see the raw emptiness. It bothered him—there should be some trace, some echo of the people and the place that had been there, but there was nothing. Cracked rocks, churned up dirt and a scar slashed through the landscape. Grass had already begun to encroach. A couple of seasons of good rain and even the scorch marks would disappear.
The old Dorado would be forgotten.
No—the Kanes wouldn’t forget it, but it would fade. Life marched inexorably toward an uncertain future.
“It sounds so empty. I hear you and I hear the wind. And nothing else.”
Jason nodded. “It is empty, but there are some newly scattered green growth. The land is taking it back.”
“Will you walk me to where the store would have been?” Her voice cracked over the words, but the struggle playing out on her face broke his heart. She held out her hand to him and he accepted her invitation. They walked in silence, stopping when they reached the spot where the Stark’s store had stood, where he’d met her. The sun was warm, but a scattering of clouds kept the heat at bay. It was an altogether perfect spring day to visit a graveyard.
“Are you all right?” He asked her after a long pause.
“I don’t know.” Her honesty pleased him. “There are people in the world who can do fantastical things. You possess a power I can’t truly imagine. My home is gone. I’m—sad. I’m exhilarated. I don’t know what I feel.” A troubled frown marred her brow. “You brought me here for a reason. You do everything for a reason, even make toys—oh.”
A wealth of pain choked the last syllable and Jason pulled her close. “What’s wrong?”
“My winding toy. I didn’t take it with me because I was afraid I would lose it.” Two fat heavy tears fell and she struggled against them. “It’s silly to be so upset. But it was the first gift you gave me, I left it with my parents to keep it safe—” The last came out on a hiccup and she broke. Shoulders shaking, she would have fallen had he not gathered her close. The agony of her grief sliced his soul to ribbons. He would give anything to shoulder the pain she experienced and yet, was helpless to do anything but hold her close. Like her first day in town, she gave into her sobs and Jason held her to him, cupping the back of her head and attempting to make soothing sounds.
“I will make you another,” he told her when her weeping quieted, and thumbed away her tears. He hated to see her cry.
Remarkably, she laughed a watery, wintry sound, but laughter nonetheless. “You would, wouldn’t you?”
He’d do anything for her. “Yes.”
“Thank you,” she rested her head on his arm. Her silence lasted several long minutes more, finally she swiped at her tears and sighed. “You didn’t bring me here to talk about toys.”
“No,” he agreed. “I didn’t. But we can talk about it or nothing for as long as you need.” Her needs trumped his in every respect.
If she rejected him after this, he would respect her choice. That she hadn’t turned on him already was something of a miracle or maybe it was simply Olivia who was the miracle. Reluctance, the same feeling that had him telling her there were things he didn’t want to tell her, filled him. Olivia tangled her fingers with his, the contact a further reminder that he wasn’t alone.
But she was so damn vulnerable. It was selfish to keep her close and to put her in the line of fire. Arguably, she’d already been placed there. He could change it, couldn’t he? The push-pull of the argument had played out in the back of his mind since she’d returned. When she walked—well limped, really—he fell into step with her. Periodically, he swept his attention around them, but nothing moved or offered a threat.
They made a lazy circuit of the area and her limp faded with each step. If he could capture this moment, sadness and all, he would hold it close forever. “It will be all right,” she told him, offering him comfort. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”
Amusement threaded through his affection. “I feel safer already.”
“Good.” She squeezed his fingers, but she didn’t push or demand he explain anything further. Could she really have meant what she’d told him on the trail? That if he didn’t want to tell her things, he shouldn’t? No one had ever invited his lies before, even his family had been happier in their ignorance. He’d kept the colonel’s work from them because he had believed the colonel. Protecting his family and their way of life had been ingrained in him, Jed raised all of them to put family first.
“Do you remember when I went back East the summer you were nine?” The beginning, it was the best place to start. He’d turned fifteen and the colonel had volunteered to accompany Jason to his grandparents on his way to Washington. Jed had been aware of Jason’s desire to attend school. The only flaw in his eagerness to escape had been leaving his Olivia, but he’d made promises.
“Yes. You sent books back home while you were gone. Mama read them to me.” Her smile arrested him with its sweetness. “Books about Europe and royal families and histories. I think I liked the histories best of all.”
He’d remember that. “Yes. I didn’t go to school, well, at least not for the entire time.” Gauging the surprise in her reaction reflected only his confession and not suspicion, he continued. “I was asked by a friend of my father’s to help him with tasks that I was uniquely suited toward.”
Olivia stopped abruptly and turned to face him. “Someone wanted to use you and your ability?”
“Yes,” he nodded, though she couldn’t possibly see him. “The man was—is—someone my father trusts. He made a compelling argument and I was curious enough to see if what he wanted from me could be done.” He selected the words carefully, refusing to frighten her. His father still trusted Stanley, and counted him among his allies. The knowledge that Jason worked for the colonel had disrupted their friendship some, but then his father didn’t know the whole of it. Jason hoped he never would.
“Why?” The sharpness in her tone wasn’t lost on him.
“Because I could access information he couldn’t.” All true. He didn’t have to spy on someone for long to peel apart their thoughts, to listen to all the things they weren’t saying.
“Surely that’s unethical. Why would a friend ask you to do something like that? Jason, you weren’t a man yet. Why would your father allow it?”
He’d expected shock, not anger. “My father didn’t know. Stanley didn’t approach me with the idea until we were traveling…”
“Colonel Stanley?” She didn’t miss much. “The same colonel who stopped me yesterday?”
“Yes.” And he would be removing that piece of knowledge from Stanley. He’d already decided on it. The colonel didn’t need to know about Olivia, at all.
“Something is wrong with that man.” She shuddered.
He frowned. “Cody mentioned he’d wanted to know who you were, but he didn’t say he’d done anything else. What did he do?”
“He’s not a nice man.” Conviction underscored her words. “Something in his voice, something he wasn’t saying. I didn’t trust him
.”
“Good. Don’t.” Her insight startled him, but he couldn’t imagine what she heard in the voices of others. Once upon a time, he’d… “Did you know that I tied a bandana around my eyes once, kept them closed and tried to block out all the light?”
“Why?” Curiosity filled her expression and he gave her hand a tug so they could continue to walk. Her limp may have been less pronounced, but it was still there.
“I wanted to see the world through your eyes,” he told her. “Or how the world seemed to you.”
“Did you trip over items that others moved?” A playful grin turned up the corners of her mouth.
“More than once.” He could no more ignore her invitation to laugh than he could the warmth of her fingers holding so fast and trusting in his hand. “I don’t think I can hear what you can. I tried.” Frankly, he’d hated it, hated the vulnerability. Hated wondering what others were doing around him. If a person were silent enough, they could sneak up on the blind and it left them with no way to read intent or action.
“It would be harder for you, I suppose.” They left the scorched town and followed Shorty toward the line of trees. The gelding drifted along, nibbling grass and baking his back under the faint sun.
“It should have been easier,” he argued. “I knew exactly where everything was, but I still ran into the furniture.” It had aggravated the hell out of him.
She laughed. “But you rely on your eyes and what you can see. I’ve never had that. I memorize the spaces, the distance it takes me to travel between them. Can I touch it with an extended arm, where are the walls, and in some places, what types of things make up walls when they don’t have them. Sound carries differently. The more things that are in a room, the less echo it has. The fewer things, the greater echo. When windows are open, it makes a different sound—large movements create vibrations. Even little ones do.”
“Do you miss it?” he asked abruptly. “Noah, he’s one of the Morning Stars. He’s a healer. I’ve seen him do some amazing things. Maybe he could help you to see.”
Wanted: Fevered or Alive Page 15
