“How bad is it?” I was curious and I liked Sami.
“I could tell you stories that would make you shit your spleen.”
I didn’t press, mainly because I didn’t want to shit my spleen.
Sami continued anyway. “You know, folks think times have changed, but nothing could be further from the truth. Men are real bastards. They want to be able to say they have a woman working for them, but they treat you like a whore or an idiot.”
“I didn’t know it was that bad.” And you wouldn’t think so, would you? “Do you have any recourse through the union?”
Sami laughed angrily. “The union ignores me. When I complain about sexual harassment, they call me a bitch. When I tell the guys I work with I don’t want to sleep with them they call me a whore. It’s a no-win situation.”
“How do you deal with it?”
Sami grinned. “I call their wives or threaten to tell their daughters how they act. It isn’t a huge threat, but it works.”
I shook my head. “That’s horrible.” Suddenly I wanted to kill male electricians. I was lucky in that I didn’t really work in a sexist environment. Things tend to even up real fast when there’s the chance you can electrocute them with the lawn sprinkler. Actually, the Bombays have been pretty progressive over the centuries. I always suspected that went back to the beginning when the family realized the women were just as deadly as the men (if not more so).
“Yeah, well, dem’s da berries.” Sami stood. “Enough of this whiny shit. Let’s get back.”
As I followed her, I had a newfound respect for the woman. My guess was that very little in her life came easily. While I was impressed that she’d chosen such a male-dominated field, I was even more impressed that she hadn’t cracked. Or maybe she had. Maybe that’s how she ended up here.
The crew was AWOL again, so I doled out the toothpaste, toothbrushes, deodorant and aspirin to the group. Again, no one questioned me. That was weird. By the time Julie arrived we all smelled better. She looked at us suspiciously, but said nothing.
Each of us grabbed our torches and followed her in the direction of the Blanco Tigre. Even though we had minty fresh breath, we were pretty miserable (and by miserable, I mean hung over). Voting a member off was not something any of us wanted.
And then there was that other matter. The boys said they saw something or someone that looked like the show was being sabotaged. From the mysterious fire, lighter and disappearance of Cricket to the exploding keg fireball, I had too much to think about.
I really didn’t care about the show. Alan and Julie were useless as far as I was concerned. But I was worried about one of the contestants getting hurt.
That concern added to the fact the boys hadn’t been able to dig up anything on Isaac made me very nervous. I wasn’t going to kill him without some real evidence of his wrongdoing.
This whole mess was just going wrong. Well, except for the Lex part. He was smokin’ hot. And he liked me. But I could work on that after the show was over.
As if he read my mind (which made me a little nervous thinking of the fantasies I’ve had about him recently), Lex put his arm around my shoulders.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly.
“Oh, sure. I love screwing over a teammate. I’d do it every day if I could.”
Lex shook his head. “No, I mean after last night. We haven’t had much of a chance to talk about it.”
I nodded. “I’m fine. It just. . .” Just what? Freaked me out? Worried me? What should I say? “I guess I was a little shaken up. I’m okay now.”
“I think it’s pretty amazing that you saved us like that. How did you know the keg was a bomb?” he asked.
“I didn’t. I just had a bad feeling that something was wrong. It was pure gut instinct.” That was true. That and my super-intuitive superpowers.
“Well,” he gave my shoulders a squeeze, “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you, Missi.”
I was just about to launch into an “Awwwwwwwww!” moment when that prick Alan spoke.
“Welcome to Tribal Council, Ottawa.” Alan had a torch lit directly under his chin to give him a scary face. How long was my mind wandering? I didn’t even realize I was here. I must try to stop doing that.
“As you know, one of your members goes home tonight. Missi!”
What? Did I do something wrong?
“Missi, what do you think of my little twist on the reward challenge this afternoon?” He smiled. Apparently he felt this was solely his show.
“Well, Alan, I thought it was dangerous of you to insist on alcohol poisoning. Using extremely strong beer and giving six people two hours to drain a whole keg is grounds for a serious lawsuit. My attorney will be in touch.”
Okay, so maybe that was a bit rough, but it was true. And I have to admit there was more than a little satisfaction in watching his face turn purple as I said it.
“Yeah, dumbass!” Sami shouted. “What kind of retards are writing this fucking show anyway? I’m gonna kick your ass when this is over.”
Lex chuckled softly behind me. Isaac winked at Sami and me. Silas was quiet as usual, and Cricket, probably realizing her number was up, said nothing.
“Well . . . um,” Alan tottered. “Let’s get on with the vote. And don’t try to pull what Inuit did last time.”
Julie pointed at me and I walked over to the pad of paper. They were using the hotel stationery again. But the pen said “Happy Joe’s Pizza.” Real authentic. I wrote Cricket’s name down, wincing as I did.
One by one my teammates cast their votes. No one looked happy. It was sad, really.
“I’ll go tally the votes.” Alan retrieved the lidless, clay pot and turned his back on us to hide the fact he was looking at the votes prematurely. Obviously, he didn’t trust us. And we felt the same way about him.
“The first vote is for Cricket.” He said as if he hadn’t already read them.
I looked at the camp counselor but her face was impassive. She was holding up pretty well each time Alan read her name.
“And the last and final vote is for . . . Cricket?” He looked at all the tallies then looked at her. “You voted yourself off?”
Damn. Wish I’d thought of that. Here I’d been feeling sorry for Cricket and she wanted to go! In spite of my hangover, I felt a little better.
“You can’t vote yourself off! You’re supposed to want to stay!” Alan threw his hands up. Clearly the game wasn’t being played the way he wanted it to. “What is wrong with you people?”
Cricket grabbed her torch and walked up to Alan, who stood there ranting and raving while she waited. After a few moments, she grabbed his snuffer and snuffed out her own torch.
“Me,” she said. “The tribe has spoken.” And then she walked off to the resort, leaving a stunned Julie to follow in her wake.
“Right. We’re done. Off you go.” Alan waved us away and we walked unescorted back to camp.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
- Mark Twain
“Man, this game is fucked up!” Sami said with a smile once we got back. Bert and Ernie hung with us, but they didn’t have their cameras on.
“Hey! Where were you guys last night? Not that we mind or anything. And where’s Jimmy?” Isaac asked.
Bert and Ernie shrugged. It was clear they weren’t going to answer. I had no idea why they were even here.
Lex and Silas built a nice fire and we opened up a few coconuts. Not a big feast, but the taste of Bavarian brew still lingered in my brain.
“How come you motherfuckers aren’t filming us?” Sami asked Ernie point-blank.
“Nothing’s really happening,” said Bert.
“Okay,” I began, “do you have any idea why we had to run through two challenges in one day?”
“We’re going over budget,” Ernie said. “Looks like we’ll be shaving a few days off the schedule.”
Isaa
c asked the question on our minds. “How in the hell did you go over budget? You aren’t overspending on the challenges. Charades costs nothing. And the rewards are lame.”
“Yeah!” Sami kicked in. “Where’s the money going?”
“Well,” Ernie squinted as if he didn’t completely trust us. “Alan’s using the Presidential Suite at the Tigre and running up huge bills with all the liquor and prostitutes.”
We just kind of looked at each other. Poor Inuit was starving to death and Alan was paying women to have sex?
“And then there’s his Hummer (I assumed they meant his vehicle), his driver, his daily hot stones massage. . .”
“I don’t think I can take much more of this. Please stop.” I begged. Picturing Alan naked with prostitutes was bad enough.
I told the group I needed to find coconuts and headed down the beach. Lex caught up with me.
“So, do you still think we made the right decision on our alliance?”
“Yeah. Sami is kind of a go-to guy, and Isaac seems okay.” Oh yeah, and I need him in my alliance so I can maybe kill him later. I thought I’d leave that part out.
Lex looked at me for a moment. “Something’s bothering you.”
“No, it’s not.” Yes, it is. “Aside from being on the world’s silliest reality show, hosted by a narcissist on a beach near a resort, I’m fine.”
“You just seem a little distracted.”
“You don’t know me very well. According to my family, I always seem a little distracted.” And I usually am when I’m about to kill someone. That’s just par for the course.
“All right.” Lex seemed to drop the issue. In all honesty, I was flattered that he was concerned about me. On the other hand, if he could read me like a book that would be a problem.”
“Changing the subject,” I fumbled for a segue, “what does a stunt man like to do for fun?”
He smiled. “You mean like on a date?”
I could feel all heat flushing to my skin as I floundered, “N-no! I mean, for fun. Leisure stuff.” I ended with a nervous giggle and hiccup. Real smooth.
“You’d be disappointed. I’m a pretty laidback guy. I like reading, going to movies, quiet dinners.”
All date things! “By yourself?” Gak! Why did I ask that?
“That’s how it turns out most of the time. How about you?”
“Well, pretty much the same, really. I’m kind of boring that way.” What was I doing? “I mean, not that I’m saying you’re boring! I’m sure you aren’t! I mean...”
Lex brushed my hair out of my face. “It’s okay, Missi. I think I understand what you are saying. And I don’t think you are boring either.”
“Okay, do you have any hobbies?” Why did I have to open up that can of worms? I sure as hell didn’t want to answer that question!
“I used to do a lot of sailing when I lived in California. I’d like to get back into that someday, but I’m kind of land-locked right now.”
Distract him! “Um, what did you like about sailing?”
“I love being outside. The sounds of the ocean are very relaxing and I like the rocking of the waves. There’s something very humbling about the whole experience.”
I could relate to that. I loved time to myself. Living on an island there was always someplace I could go to work through my thoughts when I was working on a project. And being the mother of twins made alone time sacrosanct.
“And you? What are your hobbies?”
Oh, you know, killing people in mysterious ways. Confounding CSI. The usual. “I like to knit. And I travel whenever I can. I jog for exercise. Nothing as profound as you.”
Lex smiled. “I think anything we do for ourselves is profound. It’s easy to forget how valuable life is sometimes.”
Damn. He was getting to me. Smart and philosophical too? I couldn’t stand it!
The howler monkeys began hooting it up as dusk settled around us. The fading sunset was spectacular. On Santa Muerta, I usually enjoyed these scenes alone. It was weird to share it with someone. Especially a man like Lex.
“I suppose you even find the howler monkeys soothing?”
He shook his head. “No. And I can’t understand why they aren’t extinct here.”
I laughed. “I’m with you on that one.” The yowling grew louder. “What I wouldn’t give for a blowgun right now.”
“I could make you one,” Lex offered softly. My immediate reaction was Oh yeah? So could I, buddy! But it had been so long since someone offered to invent something for me. Well, no one had ever done that. I was the one everyone came to for ingenuity. It was kind of nice to have someone else do it, so I just nodded.
Lex walked into the jungle a ways and returned with a foot-long piece of bamboo. I watched in amazement for ten minutes as he turned it into the perfect peashooter. Now, I would’ve done it a little differently, but I kept my mouth shut and helped him search the sand for pebbles.
A howler monkey dangled overhead at just the right moment. Lex put a pebble in his mouth and fired through the tube. The monkey howled in protest as he fled the scene. I knew the animal wasn’t hurt, just angry.
I kissed Lex on the cheek, and he pulled back in surprise.
“What do I get that for?”
“Because that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” It may have sounded dramatic, but it was true. This man was the first person who ever invented something for me. And I thought it was terribly romantic.
We decided to head back and show everyone our new howler monkey deterrent. Isaac, Silas and Sami were sitting around the fire.
Sami sighed as we joined them in mid-conversation. “Those poor bastards over at Inuit. I don’t think they’ve eaten anything but fruit for the past few days.”
I sat up. “I’ve got an idea.” I pointed at the crew. “We’ll let you in on it, providing you don’t show the footage to anyone until the show is wrapped.”
Bert shrugged and Ernie nodded. Clearly loyalty to the show was a small matter to them.
I filled everyone in and they immediately agreed. Well, Silas mostly agreed. He’d apparently had enough of the bullshit.
Bert followed us with the camera as we made our way to the Blanco Tigre. I made my way to the front desk, trying to look like I didn’t just walk off a reality show.
It only took a few moments to book the El Conquistador Guest House. I have the number memorized on my black American Express Card. Once I had officially checked in, I gave Lex and Isaac the thumbs up and they left for the beach. Sami, Silas and Bert followed discreetly behind as the concierge showed me to the cabin. After explaining all the amenities, she left and my three co-conspirators joined me.
“Jesus Christ!” Sami sank into one of the leather-bound easy chairs. “This is more like it!”
Bert grinned. Ernie was most likely at Inuit, filming the arrival of Lex and Isaac as they escorted the tribe here. This was going to be great when they revealed this footage during the editing process. I would give anything to see Julie and Alan’s face in the editing room.
I ordered ten surf and turfs, white wine, and extra towels, fluffy robes, toothbrushes, toothpaste and deodorant. Then I took a quick shower before my guests arrived.
Being independently wealthy has its advantages. With a huge trust fund, I could make this show a little more livable. The Guest House was a smaller version of the hotel, with five bedrooms and five bathrooms. It was completely isolated, and I had it reserved for the whole stay.
Ernie promised he’d get the other camera crew on board (it helped that I’d created a drinking tab on my dime for them for the duration of their stay) and swore that Alan and Julie never left the Tigre at night. The bastards apparently considered it something the peons should do. They also expected us to live by the honor system. I was just coming out of the shower in my fluffy robe when a confused Inuit tribe walked in.
A couple of seconds after that, room service showed up with the robes, towels and toiletries and I sent everyone to shower
up before the food arrived.
Lex came up behind me while I poked around the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around me and I could smell Irish Spring soap. That was interesting. I leaned back against him, closing my eyes.
“I think it’s great you’re doing this. But how can you pay for it?” He asked.
“Well, I charged it all to Alan’s room. I guaranteed a thousand dollar tip to the front desk if they kept it off the daily bill until we left.” Now, this wasn’t true, not yet at least. But I didn’t want any questions.
One by one, the rest of the contestants stumbled in, squeaky clean, wearing warm, fluffy robes. There was a knock at the door, and Lex answered it, ushering in three waiters with carts full of lobster and steak.
I warned Inuit to eat lightly so they wouldn’t get sick. No one spoke for a while. I think they were afraid they’d wake up from a dream to a mouthful of sand.
Sami finished first, pushing away from the table, “Now that was fucking fantastic.”
The others nodded and for the first time, some of them smiled.
“Here’s the deal,” I began. “Everyone will have their own key to this house. Eat, drink, sleep, whatever. Just don’t get caught. The cameramen will film us here, but no one will see that footage until this is over and we are safely home.”
I explained that there were five bedrooms with bathrooms, so we need to pair up. Lex and Isaac took one room, Sami and I another. Liliana and Kit, Brick and Dr. Andy, and Silas and Moe took the other rooms.
We sat and talked for a little while. EVERYONE thought this was a good idea. Around ten p.m. I called the front desk for a six a.m. wake-up call and ordered breakfast and suggested we all get some sleep.
“Thank you,” Liliana started, but I shushed her.
“We all decided to do this. Get some sleep. We’ll probably have a challenge in the morning.”
One by one everyone drifted off to a bedroom but me. I wasn’t even tired. And I had some thinking to do.
Greatest Hits Mysteries Boxed Set (Books 1-4) Page 51
