- Ocean’s Eleven
Icy numbness crept over me, as if I was being slowly frozen from the top down (which is something I can do to a man, by the way – it just takes the right equipment. . .gah! Focus Missi!) as I walked with my five remaining teammates. No one spoke to me. I was pretty sure that was because Sami, Isaac and Moe were tired. Dr. Andy gave me a wan smile I’m sure was intended to cheer me up. Lex had a scary look of determination on his face.
“You okay?” Moe whispered from behind me.
I nodded, saying nothing.
“What’s wrong?” he pressed. You know, he really was a sweet guy. I’d misjudged him too. Maybe he had a perfectly good reason for being unemployed and living with his mom. Maybe he had a rare, undetectable disease? I can make those. There’s a whole shelf of them in my lab, under the bobble heads.
I shook my bobble head, pretty sure I would burst into tears if I spoke. I’d really blown it. Lex was probably convinced I had played him – which made me look like an evil whore. If only I hadn’t opened my big, fat mouth and shoved my whole leg into it.
Alan and Julie joined us at the site shortly after we’d arrived. They had six men with them I didn’t recognize. Locals, I’d guess. Each one of them held what looked like a black sack.
“We are down to our final six,” Alan intoned with considerably less confidence than when the show started. “Each of you will be blindfolded and taken to a remote location. You will remove your blindfold and try to find your way back here, to camp, where I will be waiting with further instructions.”
Another lame event. Where were the cameramen? There were only two left – Bert and Ernie. How would they cover six people in different locations? Were they even trying anymore?
My thoughts were interrupted as a black hood was thrown over my head. Man, it was really dark in there. Black is a good color on me though. Not that anyone would see me, that is.
“I’ll see you back here soon,” Alan said as someone took my arm to lead me away. He smelled like fish and onions. Super.
What were they going to do? Time us and the last two to make it back would be voted off? I struggled to find the point of it all. Maybe this was just another way to try and kill us. Moving through a jungle blindfolded is dicey at best.
This wouldn’t be a tough challenge for me. Part of our training in the Bombay clan is to do the same thing on Santa Muerta as children. As we got older, we were taken to other remote locations in the world in an attempt to eradicate our fear of the unknown. One time, back in the early ‘80’s, Mom left me alone in a remote area of Tibet. How was she to know the Chinese army was just on the other side of the mountain? Anyway, once I got my hood off (they didn’t take them off for us – that would be too easy) and saw several thousand Chinese heading my way, it kind of took the wind out of my sails. There’s a real funny story about that and a yak herder, but that’s for another time.
I started memorizing the number of steps I was taking and the direction I was being led. Sounds and smells all contributed to where I was going, which seemed to be down the beach, away from the Blanco Tigre. Sand churned beneath my feet and the gulls cried out as we moved in a straight line. How stupid was that? At least make it interesting.
After what I deduced was about ten minutes, we turned left and in fourteen steps were heading into the jungle. Leaves crunched as I stepped on them and branches pressed against my arms. Again, we moved in a straight line. How original.
Howler monkeys shrieked and I could swear I heard the word “Mom.” I smiled beneath the hood. The boys were following me. I felt a little better knowing that they loved me enough to keep an eye on me. When a mango dropped on my head, I knew it was Monty and Jack. Good boys, but enough with the mangoes already.
After a few more minutes, we stopped and the hood was pulled off. A rather bored looking man shrugged at me and then disappeared into the jungle. Apparently, his job was done.
Monty jumped down, followed by Jack. They threw their arms around me and squeezed.
“Why are you crying?” Jack asked with a look of fear.
Monty, always the more intuitive one, took me back into his arms. “It’s okay, Mom. We’re here. It’s okay.”
I sobbed for a few moments, getting it all out. Then I told my sons what had happened.
“Whoa,” Jack replied. “You were harsh to Lex.”
“Shut it!” Monty snapped at his brother. “Can’t you see she’s been through enough?”
Jack hung his head. “Sorry, Mom. I’m one-half of an idiot.”
Normally I would’ve laughed at his typical swipe at Monty, but instead I wiped my nose on my arm. “It’s okay. Before you show me back to the camp, tell me you have something on Vic.”
The boys looked at each other for a long time. Too long a time, actually.
“You do have something I can use, right?” I asked again.
Monty shook his head. “Not really. It’s like he doesn’t really exist. I can’t even find anything that says he’s a poker player.”
Jack nodded. “Yeah. This is the weirdest assignment ever. Isaac is the invisible man. He’s off the grid...completely.”
I behaved rationally, by screaming in frustration. Birds flew to get out of my way and howler monkeys voiced their admiration.
“There’s something else,” Monty added in a voice that always makes a mother’s insides shrivel. “We haven’t heard anything back from the Council.”
“What? Why would you contact them?”
Jack ran his fingers through his hair. “We thought maybe we could sweet-talk Grandma into giving up more on Vic.”
“Problem is,” Monty finished for his brother, “no one on Santa Muerta is returning our calls or text messages.”
“That’s not much, considering they don’t even know what texting is.” I guess I’d have to have a Blackberry course for them when I got home. I’m talking really remedial here. “But why wouldn’t they answer their phones?”
“We could go back to the island and see what’s going on?” Jackson asked.
I shook my head. “No. It’s too risky. If something’s gone down I don’t want you two involved.” In our business, there was always the possibility of a raid or espionage. I was less worried about the Council than I was about my boys. I know it sounds blasé, but we’ve been through drills for emergencies so many times I figured my mother and the others were handling whatever it was.
“I want you two to go find Isaac and tail him.” I should have been doing that all along. It was time to get this thing over with.
The boys nodded and with a quick hug were off on their new mission. I dried my eyes and turned to head back the way I came.
The long walk gave me time to think. It was easy to trace my way back, mainly because I just had to follow the footprints. Stupid show.
So, what was I going to do about Lex once the Isaac thing was sorted out? I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than I did. This man was the first I’d trusted. . .hell, slept with in years. My feelings for him were overpowering. I had really fallen hard.
And now, Lex thought I’d betrayed him in the worst way. That sucked. The question was, what would I do? Should I come clean and tell him I didn’t mean it? Would he even believe me? Maybe I should wash my hands of it and just let him think I was a horrible, manipulative witch. Then I could just go back to the safety of my island and forget about it.
But could I forget about it? Sure I could, I thought with no confidence whatsoever. It was just a sweet little fling. Meant to be over in a few weeks. I didn’t need a man – hadn’t I told my mother that when I left?
And what about the boys? No, it was too soon to cut them loose. They still needed a full-time mother. Monty and Jack had come here to help me. They deserved my complete attention. Having a boyfriend would just complicate things.
Another justification popped into my head. My sons knew I was an assassin and they didn’t care. Lex wouldn’t be able to accept that. And how would he feel o
nce he knew my inventions were actually meant to kill people.
Once I’d talked myself into the idea that Lex would change me if he could, and the fact that I couldn’t change if I wanted to due to the blood oath I’d signed as a child, it didn’t really matter.
In fact, I was just about to talk myself into both changing my hair color and the prospects of finding a “boy toy” in Venezuela when I stumbled gracelessly into camp. I was the first one there. As long as Lex wasn’t the second, I might be alright.
Unfortunately, my luck wasn’t good. Who do you think strolled in minutes after me? That’s right. Lex. We sat in the sand quietly, intensely uncomfortable.
“So, I suppose you meant what you told Dr. Andy this morning?” Lex asked.
Damn him! Why couldn’t he just leave it alone?
“Yes. I did. It’s just a game.” I tried to sound convincing. Lex looked at me as if trying to see through my head. If I’d wanted to, I could’ve told him I had an invention for that. But I wasn’t feeling especially charitable. Mostly, I was deeply offended that he had to ask. If he really had feelings for me – he would’ve known I was lying to Dr. Andy. The bastard! Hey yeah! It’s his fault.
Moe joined us, sweating profusely and seriously out of breath. He doubled over to recoup as Dr. Andy joined us, followed by Julie and Alan.
“I see you four made it back okay.” Alan smirked. I wondered what he’d look like with a barbeque fork sticking out of his jugular. Pretty funny, I’d bet.
“Sami and Isaac will be here soon.” I grumbled just to be contradictory.
Alan shook his head. “I’m afraid not. You four now have a choice to make.” He paused dramatically. Julie leered. I pictured her with that same barbeque fork protruding from her forehead. That helped. Oooh! Maybe it’s a rusty fork! Then she’d get tetanus too. Wait, would it even matter if she had a pointy piece of metal piercing her brain?
“Isaac and Sami have been kidnapped,” Alan continued. “They are hidden somewhere in the jungle. You can go and look for them and if you find them, they will stay on the show. Or, you can avoid going after them, which will eliminate them from the team – making you the final four.”
“Are you serious?” I asked.
Julie piped up. “Yes. The choice is yours. Do the right thing and risk yourselves or do nothing and increase your chance of winning.”
Alan glared at her for taking the spotlight. Apparently, Alan didn’t like sharing. He probably didn’t watch Sesame Street as a child. You know, that would explain so much. I wonder if the Council would allow me to do a survey of our Vics – asking them just before killing them if they’d ever watched Sesame Street. I’d bet none of them did. Wouldn’t that be revealing?
I noticed that Bert and Ernie were here to tape now.
“If you fail to find them before sundown, your choice is made for you. We will join you in the morning to see what you have decided.” Alan and Julie exchanged smug grins and strolled up the beach toward the resort. I added our flaming torches shoved up their asses to my fantasy.
I snagged Ernie’s ankle as he tried to walk past me. “Where are they?” I growled. Burt looked at us, then started running up the beach. Apparently he was in no mood to be challenged.
“Where are they?” I repeated.
“I don’t know! They didn’t tell us what they were going to do with them!” Ernie began to whine. I let him go and he took off after his little Muppet roommate. Either I scared him or the show had totally given up on us.
“Well,” Moe said slowly. “I guess this solves our problem.”
Dr. Andy nodded. “It seems pretty clear what to do. Or at least, not do.”
I stood up. “What are you talking about? We have to go find them.”
Lex didn’t move or speak.
Moe stood up to face me. “I know they are your friends, Missi, but this is how the game is played. We have an opportunity to do nothing and get closer to winning.”
“I’m sure they’re locked in a room at the Tigre,” Dr. Andy said. “It isn’t a question of ethics here – it’s how the strategy works.”
I realized I was behaving contrary to what I’d just told Lex, but it really bothered me that no one wanted to find Sami and Isaac.
“Lex, let’s just you and me go. . .” I started.
He looked up at me. “I don’t know. I mean, I came here to win. And if they’re safe at the resort, there’s no reason to lose the challenge, right?” I could see Lex was struggling with this.
“But we have an alliance,” I pleaded.
Lex shook his head and stood up. “Apparently not. And since when did you care about anyone in this game?”
I watched with my mouth open as the three of them walked away.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Delivery man: [inventorying the items he has just brought] Meat hooks, four lengths of chain, forty gallons of plasma, and an elephant syringe.
- Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman
“Stupid, selfish bastards,” I mumbled as I made my way into the jungle, looking for my missing teammates. “All they care about is this idiotic game. Sami wouldn’t have copped out for a room at the Tigre. She needs the money and I’m not going to deny her the chance to win it.” In case you’re wondering, I do talk to myself a lot. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an inventor or if it’s due to the fact I spend so much time alone. Isolated. On an island.
Sami and Isaac would’ve done the same for me. And I really wanted Sami to win. I got the distinct impression that she needed the money. If I hadn’t been a giant ass this morning, Lex would probably have been with me.
I couldn’t blame him for being confused. Now he figured it really was just a game and this was a chance for him to win. Lex thought I used him. Why should he trust me?
Because you slept with him, you moron! Okay, there’s that. We’d shared an intimacy that made me feel like my organs had turned to goo. Images of making love to Lex spooled through my brain like an X-rated film reel.
I really made a mess of things. Usually I like to make a mess of things. It’s how I make a lot of my discoveries. Like that time I spilled one of my chemical concoctions on Silly Putty – wow. You should have seen what that did to comic book pictures!
But in this case, someone got hurt. I knew trying out a relationship would end in fiasco. Didn’t I tell Mom I didn’t need a man? More like shouldn’t have a man.
What did Lex see in me anyway? He just met me. We knew nothing about each other except for some moments of explosive, sexual chemistry. Damn, he was good. That thing he did with his elbow was impressive.
There was also a sense of ease I felt when I was around him. Lex made me feel completely comfortable. It was like we’d known each other forever. When you meet someone like that, it’s like a sixth sense kicks in.
Great. Now I was utterly depressed. I had a great thing with a terrific guy and. . .and what? He overheard me saying that he meant nothing to me. Yeesh. Was I obsessing or what?
And what about the fact he wouldn’t help me find Sami and Isaac? He wasn’t the greatest guy! I tried to keep telling myself. In case you’re wondering, it didn’t work.
Several hours later (with a full-blown migraine), I still hadn’t found my missing teammates. I’d scoured the jungle, the beach and even the hotel. Stopping by the guest house, I ordered a tuna salad sandwich and Diet Coke. No one was around. Maybe it made them feel too guilty? It was almost three in the afternoon when I headed back out to check the remaining grounds of the Tigre.
Damn, it was getting late. I was only an hour away from dusk as I wandered onto the last hole on the resort golf course. It was then I heard what sounded like gravel swearing.
Just off the eighteenth hole was a little maintenance shack. I rounded the corner to find Sami tied up like a cocoon on the ground, swearing up a blue streak with her voice half gone. After untying her and breaking into the shack to get her something to drink, she calmed down.
“Bastards dragged me her
e and left me! I’m gonna kill ‘em!”
I let her rant for a while because she’d earned it. I even picked up some juicy new cuss words to use on my mother when she tries to set me up in the future.
“Sami,” I finally tried to calm her down. “Where did they take Isaac?”
Sami stopped shouting and stared at me. “They took him too?”
I nodded, and she began expelling expletives that didn’t even make sense. How could a jackass even have sex with a rat anyway?
She seemed okay to walk and together we made our way through the falling darkness to the guesthouse.
I stopped short of the tennis courts.
“Sami, you go on ahead to the guest house to tell them what happened, then check in at the campsite so you don’t get disqualified. Then head to the guesthouse and tell Lex. I’m going back out to find Isaac.”
I thought she’d argue with me, but she was obviously exhausted.
“Roger that.” She turned and vanished into the foliage.
After “borrowing” a flashlight from a drunk security guard who was napping on the putting green, I decided to check out the rest of the area.
My mood grew as dark as the night. Where was Isaac? Alan and Julie weren’t this good at hiding someone. Hell, they barely managed to think straight most of the time.
I hoped Monty and Jack had found him. It occurred to me that I hadn’t seen the boys all day. That gave me heart palpitations that I was sure would leave a mark. Where in the hell were they?
Of course, I started to panic. My kids were missing, and so was my Vic. My boyfriend hated me, as did everyone who worked on the show. Weathermen have the “lake effect”; Survival had the “Missi effect.”
At least Sami appreciated me. That was some consolation. I was walking in circles and still no sign of Isaac, Monty or Jackson. Exhaustion descended like a wet, wool blanket in July. I needed to get back. There was the smallest hope she’d find Isaac at the campsite.
Greatest Hits Mysteries Boxed Set (Books 1-4) Page 56
