While I was all choked up over Lex’s words, I was mad as hell about Sami. What did she get besides a bullet?
“Missi!” That’s weird. I could swear I heard California Bombay.
Judging by the look on my son’s faces, I guessed my mother was standing right behind me.
“Mom? What are you doing here?” I asked as I dragged her off to an empty corner. Monty and Jack were suddenly very busy studying their hangnails. Cowards.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner,” she patted my arm. “I had no idea all of this drama was happening, and we were dealing with a slight cartel invasion.”
I didn’t even ask. In my family, this kind of thing happened. “Mom, you sent me here to tail a Vic.” I nodded toward Isaac. “A Vic who turned out to be an Interpol agent.”
Cali’s eyes grew wide. “Really? Well isn’t that exciting!”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “You didn’t know that? How could you not know that? And why would you send me after one of the good guys? It’s against Bombay policy!”
Mom shifted from one foot to another. “Let’s go someplace where we can talk privately. I have a room on this floor.” Then she turned and walked away as if she knew I would follow.
I stopped and told Lex to meet me at the guesthouse later, then followed my mother to her room.
“So what was this really about?” I asked before the door fully closed.
“Well, dear, it was a setup.” Mom fiddled nervously with a bracelet. Upon closer inspection I realized it was one of my bracelets. Did she get rid of me so she could pilfer my closet?
“A setup? What does that mean?” My mood was darkening quickly, but I’d let her finish before I “accidentally” shoved her out her window.
“The whole thing was a ploy to get you out of your office, off the island and into a social setting.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Wouldn’t it have just been easier to sign me up for a speed-dating seminar or something?” My nails were digging into my palms.
My beloved (and soon to be dead) mother cocked her head to one side. “It was my idea. A way to force you into a situation where you couldn’t leave. I thought maybe you’d meet a man. And you did!” She clapped her hands with glee.
“You sent me on a bogus mission to kill an innocent man just so you could force me to date? Are you insane?”
Cali tut-tutted like I was a moron. “That’s why I sent the boys, dear. To make sure you didn’t kill Isaac.”
I’m such an idiot. My mom set me up on this nightmare and the boys were in on it from the beginning. How could she get two minors involved? The wrong guy could’ve died!
The room started to spin and make flashing, popping thingies. The last thing I remembered before I hit the floor was that my mom was wearing my most expensive pair of shoes.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Klytus: Most effective, Your Majesty. Will you destroy this Earth?
The Emperor Ming: Later. I like to play with things a while before annihilation.
- Flash Gordon
I came to in the guesthouse, not really caring how I got there. I was just grateful that it wasn’t a jail cell or a room with my mother’s rotting corpse.
“You okay?” Lex’s face swam into view over mine.
“I think so. Physically at least. I’m not going to promise you anything on the mental right now.”
He kissed my forehead. “I’ll take that.”
I sat up and looked around. This was the room I shared with Sami. My stomach lurched.
“How’s Sami?”
“She’s just fine. It was a clean shot. She’s being released as we speak. Isaac is bringing her back here.”
“And my sons?” I asked, blood on my mind.
“They told me to tell you they were going home with your mom. She’s nice, by the way.”
“What? You met Mom?” Knowing Cali Bombay, she’d probably already proposed to Lex for me. And knowing my boys, they would be hiding on the ropes course on Santa Muerta for months waiting for me to cool down. Bile started a perilous journey up my throat and I sat up to accommodate the fury. Actually, I was beginning to embrace the fury.
Lex pushed me back down. “You need to get some sleep.” He lay down next to me, holding me in his arms.
I leaned back against his chest. As much as I wanted to be part of the welcoming committee for Sami, sleep sounded like a good idea.
And it took very little time to fall into dreamland.
“Good morning, dumbass!” Sami stood in the doorway of my room, her right arm in a sling. She looked pale – which was impressive considering her deep tan, and thinner – which was scary since she was thin to begin with. The super-confident-take-no-prisoners Sami was small and frail.
“Sami!” I got up to hug her, very gently. “Are you okay?”
She shrugged. “I can’t work for a couple of months, but at least I’m alive! Thank you.”
“Sami! You didn’t swear once!” I laughed.
“Well, maybe I’m turning over a goddamned new leaf!”
I hadn’t realized how late it was until I saw that Isaac and Lex were eating lunch on the veranda. Sami and I joined them, eating as if it was our last meal on earth.
What a mess I almost made out of things. . .screwing up with Lex, almost killing Isaac, almost losing Sami. And yet I was so unbelievably angry at my mother and sons. That rage would have to be dealt with and soon.
Isaac cleared his voice. “We’re going to have visitors this afternoon.”
I looked up, a forkful of salad en route to my open mouth. “Who?”
Lex answered. “The network. They called an hour ago to tell us.”
“What do those fucktards want?” Sami asked.
“My guess is that they want to give us bad news.” Isaac replied.
“Really?” I said once my mouth was empty. “How much worse could it get?”
Mr. Smith and Mr. Brown (if those were their real names) slid four sheets of watermarked, vellum paper toward us. Smith and Brown were attorneys for the CAB network. As they explained, we needed to sign legal documents waiving the network of any wrongdoing. None of this was, of course, CAB’s fault and we should be grateful they allowed us an out of the show.
I slid the forms back toward them. “Shove it up your ass,” I said politely.
Lex, Sami and Isaac said nothing. They had my back.
Mr. Smith (who wouldn’t tell me his first name – which pissed me off) slid them back to us. “Ms. Bombay, you signed a release for when the programme commenced, agreeing to whatever terms the corporation determines necessary.”
“Billy,” I replied, assigning him a random name since the bastard wouldn’t give me his, “we’re not signing anything. In fact, our attorney is on her way down from New York right now to look into suing your network for ten million dollars.”
“My name is not Billy,” Smith answered tensely.
“Since you wouldn’t give me your name, I made one up,” I said. “You didn’t have me sign anything saying I couldn’t do that, did you?” I waited as he nodded. “So, Billy, my attorney has reviewed the documents we signed and says we have a ninety nine point seven percent chance of winning.”
All right, so I made that up too. I just wanted to watch them squirm. I didn’t have Mother or the boys to punish so these two suits would have to do. In all honesty, the Bombays have the best law firm in the world representing them. I was pretty sure we could at least score twenty million if we tried.
Smith looked at Brown, who I didn’t have a name for yet. Brown shrugged, which was good because I was thinking of calling him Seymour.
“What do you suggest, Ms. Bombay?” A vein on Smith’s neck twitched.
“I want you to award the $25,000 prize money to Ms. Sami Lee. I also insist that you pay her medical bills and pay full transportation home for her. Then I, Mr. Danby and Mr. Beckett will sign your forms.”
Smith’s eyebrows went up. “And Ms
. Lee? She signs too, right?”
“Wrong. She doesn’t sign anything and you walk away hoping she doesn’t change her mind and come after the network.” I leaned back and crossed my arms. I had considered making them wrestle crocodiles too – without muzzles. But the others thought that might be a smidge over the top. Sigh.
Smith shook his head. “I’m afraid that’s unacceptable.”
I sighed because it looked dramatic and using the remote, clicked on the tv. There, on the screen, was footage of Alan snorting cocaine off a donkey’s ass. In the corner of the screen was a little CAB logo. Alan then began to spill the dirty little secrets on seven of the twelve members of the networks’ board of directors. Did you know that Canadians are far more sexually repressed than we are? Ernie had given me the tape for free. I tipped him five grand for the favor.
Brown leaned forward, pushing forms toward only me, Lex and Isaac. “I think we have a deal, Ms. Bombay.”
The men returned with a check within the hour and the hospital confirmed that the bill had been paid. I let them have the tape. I had two more in my suitcase. A girl needs all the blackmail material she can get.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Sam Treadwell: The man is a psychopathic killer.
Ginger: Don't impose your values on me, Sam.
- Cherry 2000
After helping Sami and Isaac into the car that would take them to the airport, Lex and I strolled back to the now empty El Conquistador guest house.
“I’m sorry, but there’s something rude I must ask you.” Lex said this while nuzzling my ear on the veranda after some explosive sex.
“Hmmmm?”
“How can you afford this place? The accountants didn’t mention a guest house on CAB’s bill, so unless you’re deeply involved in identity theft, you are paying for it.”
I stared into his lovely eyes for a moment. There was no way I could lie to him anymore. I’d jumped the shark on that one too many times. It was time to tell him the truth, and maybe face the fact that he’d run screaming out the door. Taking his hand, I led him into the house to the dining room where I opened a bottle of ridiculously expensive wine.
“Do you really want to know the truth?” I asked as I handed him a glass.
He nodded. “I really want to know.”
We sat down and I didn’t speak at first. I mean, how do you tell the man you love that you are an assassin and come from a long line of assassins?
“I’m an assassin and I come from a long line of assassins.” Ooooookay. Not exactly poetic, but there it was.
Lex nodded indicating he wanted me to continue. So I did. I started with the whole history of how a young Greek woman in 2000 BCE with a name I found totally unpronounceable, decided that she wanted to be an assassin. After that, I wound my way through history, leaving out the names of our victims of course, and ended up with my story. How Rudy died, how I retreated to Santa Muerta and blew things up for fun. I didn’t tell him about the bobble head doll collection. I’m not a total git.
As I sat back in my chair and swallowed the last of the five bottles we’d gone through, I could see he was working through everything I’d told him.
I failed to mention that if the Bombays knew I’d told him before he legally became a Bombay, he’d end up one of my assignments, but there’s only so much you should tell your date the first time.
The sun was rising, indicating we’d been up all night with this. How long would he need before he said anything?
And what would that be? Sorry, Missi. It’s against everything I believe in to even know you. We’ll always have Costa Rica.
“Missi?” Lex said for what I realized was the third or fourth time.
“Uh, yes?”
“You didn’t explain the money part.”
“I didn’t? Oh. Um, we all have huge trust funds. I’m independently wealthy.” That was easy. Hopefully all of his other questions would be like that.
“So Monty and Jackson are killers too?”
Okay, that’s a bit tougher than I’d hoped. Maybe I could come up with something really profound to explain this.
“Yes. I’ve been training them since they were five.”
Lex sighed. “You only kill bad guys, right?”
That sounded like a good sign. “Absolutely! Which was why I was so angry that the Council had sicced me on an Interpol agent.”
He looked out the window, then back at me. “I love you. I knew it that first night out there on the patio.”
I reached for his hand. “I love you too. I know this is pretty hard to accept and I understand that.”
Lex shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s just that I don’t know if I can handle it if my girlfriend has more money than I do.”
“Does, does that mean it’s okay?” Did it? I really didn’t expect him to accept it so easily.
“I don’t know if it will ever be okay, but this the package deal. If I want you, I have to realize who you are.”
“Um, okay. Does that mean you still want me?”
“I do. But we need to work on our relationship for a while until I get used to it. Is that alright?”
I nodded. Then I dragged him into the bedroom for some scorching hot howler monkey sex.
“Where are we going?” Lex asked as we stood on the tarmac in San Jose. He looked really good in his white linen shirt and new sunglasses.
“I thought we needed a little time away, just the two of us.” I spotted the Bombay jet and picked up my bag. Lex followed.
“We need to spend some time getting to know each other,” I added.
Lex’s eyebrows went up as we climbed aboard and the pilot greeted us. I was really impressed that he didn’t say anything about money.
We taxied down the runway and I leaned against him. Lex smelled like coconut and cocoa butter. That’s a good smell.
“You sure you can take more time off of work?” I asked him as the plane lifted into the air.
“Oh, I think I can swing it.” He leaned to kiss my hair and I sighed. This was only the beginning. We had two weeks ahead of us to explore the attraction that held us together. For now, we would take it slowly, getting to know one another.
But I had a good idea that everything was going to turn out just fine in the end.
EPILOGUE
“Let the others make statues of Apollo and Mercury and Hercules
. . .you’re the man I want to chisel.”
- Gracie Allen
It only took a few months and a lot of sex for Lex (Hey, that rhymes.) to decide I was more important than what the Bombays do. It took a lot of talking to draw it out, but somehow he chose me. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for outsiders to marry into the Bombays. Men have to take the family name as their own and become part of a secret that has made many men lose their minds. The women seem to have no problem with it though. I wonder why that is?
After a quick trip to the mainland to get married and a two-week honeymoon in Mongolia, my new husband moved into the condo on Santa Muerta.
By this time, the boys were visiting colleges in the states nearly every weekend and I’d accepted that. Lex took to my workshop with bizarre zeal and together we’ve blown up a lot of stuff.
Of course, that meant he eventually found my B-list bobble heads, and after some counseling I think our marriage will survive it.
Actually, Lex’s talents as a stunt master have improved my game. He’s been able to look at my inventions in a whole new way. This is largely because before, he had to stop people from getting hurt whereas now, death is the desired result.
Mom threw a huge reception on the island when we returned from our honeymoon and the whole Bombay clan attended. Mostly this was because my relatives wanted to see what kind of man the goofy inventor would chose. Yes, I know what they all think of me. It’s never really mattered and they don’t care, especially when I can whip up cell phones that shoot lasers and still can hold five thousand songs.
It was wonderful to
see everyone. Gin, Diego and Romi flew in with Dak, Leonie, Louis and Sofia. Liv and Todd and their kids were there. Coney gave me a beautiful felted bag he picked up during his travels. The wool had melted into the shades of a Caribbean sunset and I loved it.
In the end, it all worked out. Moe was tried and convicted and sentenced to a lifetime in prison - Duh. Sami started her own business, teaming up with a female plumber and carpenter. The company slogan is If You Want It Done Right The First Time, Hire A Woman. She’s doing very well. I sent her the “swear jar.” She mailed back a note saying, “Fuck you.” I had it framed.
As for Alan – he ended up a porn star in Thailand. I heard he’s pretty popular with the sex tourism trade there. I know, you’re thinking how predictable. I guess the network launched a huge lawsuit so he fled the country to avoid paying. Maybe I’ll get a contract on him someday. His stage name is Dick Dangleballs and he does this really weird thing with mayonnaise and rope you have to see to believe. What? It’s on YouTube.
Julie became a cruise activities director for a shipping line in Finland. She did okay for a while, until the entire boat – passengers and crew – mutinied, marooning her on an uncharted island near Kiribati, known to be populated with cannibals. No one has seen her since.
As for the others? Let’s see, Dr. Andy had a talk radio show in Mobile, Alabama. He had a pretty good run too. If only he hadn’t dared that suicide caller to actually take those pills. Now he works at the Department of Transportation asking people how their drivers license photos make them feel. One woman stabbed him in the shoulder with a pencil. He’s doing better now.
In happier news, Silas achieved his ultimate fantasy when he was killed accidentally by a canon misfire during a recreation of the Battle of Gettysburg. (I’ll bet he was ecstatic – he actually died at Gettysburg.)
To everyone’s surprise, Kit made it as a model. She’s the poster girl for the Society to Prevent Anal Leakage. I’ve seen her commercials and constipated-looking countenance everywhere.
Greatest Hits Mysteries Boxed Set (Books 1-4) Page 59
