“As if,” I snarled and decided it was time to go low… very low.
Looking up at the star filled sky, I let her rip.
Goddess on high,
Hear me now.
“Oh pa-lease,” Endora hissed with a cackle that would give me nightmares for eternity if I made it through the night—or even the next five minutes. “The Goddess doesn’t have time for inconsequential, lowly witches like you. Do you really think she cares about one so sloppy and pathetic? One who can’t control her magic and blasts holes in the middle of the pitiful town she is sworn to protect? One who deforms her own people? One who doesn’t deserve the gifts she’s been given?”
“Excuse me, you noxious over-eye shadowed assbasket,” I snapped as my stomach churned. She’d hit home on that last dig. Sticks and stone might break my bones but I sure as hell wasn’t going to let her words hurt me. Her magic was painful enough. “I was in the middle of a spell. It’s beyond rude to interrupt a fucking spell.”
“Wait a motherhumpin’ momento—momento is Spanglish in case you were wondering,” Sassy shouted from behind me. “How in the Goddess’s mom jeans does Edog-gag know that shit?”
I froze and glared at Endora.
Endora froze briefly, then coolly examined her manicure.
But Sassy didn’t freeze. She just kept on going.
“I watch Law and Freakin’ Order and this is sounding very familiar, Bendora—very much like episode 4266435436. You know, the one where the wife of the millionaire is banging the plumber and her cat gets out and then her husband freaks out because he thought the plumber liked him—or something like that.”
“There is no episode 4266435436,” Endora shouted, completely confused. “And my name is Endora.”
“That’s what I said, Bigwhorea,” Sassy shot back. “No way in the Goddess’s toe jam should you know any of that intel unless… you were banging the plumber too. Wait. I got a little lost I think.”
Oh. My. Goddess. Yes, Sassy was completely lost and I almost got lost in the millionaire- plumber-wife-lost cat debacle, but she’d actually hit pay dirt. How did Endora know all the things that had happened here?
Endora’s eyes narrowed to slits of rage and she took aim at Sassy. Before I could think, I dove in front of my best friend and took the hit. It blazed through my veins and my scream hurt my own ears. Pulling everything I had left, I waved my arm and cast an enormous bubble of protection over my people. All my people, including Sassy. It was now just me and Endora—no backup.
Grunting with a furious anger I usually reserved for people who talked during movies and fuckers who ate the last piece of cheesecake, I called out the fastest spell I’d ever yanked from my ass. In my haste, I went with advice from my BFF. Again, desperate times called for insane measures—or rather risky, profane and wildly unheard of measures.
Oh Goddess please come,
I’m screwed due to scum.
From now on, true I’ll be,
Turn the evil into a ginormous booby.
“So mote it fucking be!” I heard Sassy screech from the other side of the bubble.
In an explosion that enlarged the Olympic pool hole by about fifty feet, I watched in shock and horror as Endora turned into the largest mammary I’d ever seen. It was like a pornographic horror movie. I’d meant to give her a few extra sets, but it didn’t quite turn out that way. It was one mammoth boob with short arms, short legs, a smattering of red hair on the top and a smooshed face where the nipple should be sporting a shit load of green eye shadow.
And it was mad. It was the angriest boob I’d ever seen.
Unsure if I’d won, I stood there and stared at the Endora knocker. Her oddly shaped eyes narrowed and she made a sound that was something between a muffled scream and a vicious growl. Her little hands waved in fury and she stumbled over her tiny feet.
Glancing back over my shoulder at Sassy, I shrugged and wondered what to do next.
“Zelda, watch out,” Sassy screeched with eyes as round as saucers, pointing at the ginormous jug now rolling toward me like a fleshy bowling ball from the bowels of hell. “Jump.”
And I did. With only a second to spare, I used what little magic I had left and elevated. The boob hit the wall of the pool with such force it got embedded there. Endora screamed and sparked as she tried to un-wedge her newly rounded shape from the dirt.
My thought process was jumbled and I felt panicky. What was I supposed to do? The face part of the boob was smashed buried in the dirt. Was she going to suffocate if she couldn’t dislodge herself? Was that a bad thing?
No, it was not a bad thing. It would solve a multitude of issues, but I felt sick watching the enormous bosom try to break free. Maybe if I poked her, I could free her and then roll the gazonga right out of Assjacket. That might buy a little more time for Baba Yaga and Marge to get back. I’d have to break the protection bubble I’d made, but the knocker was sparking like a Fourth of July fireworks show. There was a good chance if I rolled her hard enough she would burn right through it.
It was a tremendously shitty plan, but I was working at a disadvantage. I had very little magic left and a pissed off magical mammary. I dared anyone to come up with something better.
And then all hell broke loose.
The blast was massive and I was thrown about twenty feet. The protection bubble burst, shattering like sparkling glass around me. Amazingly I was unharmed. Waving my hands to clear the smoke, I searched desperately for the booby. Coughing and choking on the massive amounts of glitter, I ran the perimeter of the pool with my hands outstretched.
No Endora knocker.
Where in the hell was the mammary?
“Yayayayayayayayay!” I heard Sassy scream. “Where in the Goddess’s Spanx have you people been? Houston has a problem.”
As the air cleared, I realized exactly who she was yelling at. Floating above the crater in my yard were two livid witches—a very pissed off Baba Yaga and a furious Marge. Their hair blew around their heads and their skin glowed more brilliantly than the stars in the sky.
Mac, Fabio, Bermangoggleshitz, Sassy, Jeeves and my cats stood at the edge of the gaping hole. Mac’s fangs had dropped and he was holding himself back with Herculean effort. Fabio and Roy looked like magical bombs that were about to detonate and Jeeves was hopping around like he was going to explode. Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett looked like fat, squat, hairy demons they were so angry. Sassy was the only calm one. She gave me a thumbs up and grabbed her boobs to congratulate me on the monster knocker spell.
It wasn’t their fight. It was mine. They knew it, I knew it, the boob knew it… and I hoped Baba Yaga and Marge knew it. I was pretty sure Endora had cheated, but I was unsure if two cheats would cancel each other out.
“I’ve got this,” I said to my leader and her sister.
Baba Yaga gave me a curt nod and then eyed her mother with disgust.
Baba was dressed in a billowing gown of blood red silk trimmed in so many sequined balls she looked like an enraged Christmas ornament. Marge was in a gown of filmy silver with no extra adornment. However, she appeared to be angrier than her sister. She was seething and her magic vibrated around her, causing a waterfall of glitter. They were the most beautiful and scary sights I’d ever seen.
Baba Yaga snapped her fingers and the Endora knocker rose floated between them. She, too was fuming. The sheer amount of power of the three of them was enough to make me want to hide, but my children’s lives were still at stake. It wasn’t over yet.
“Well, well, well,” Endora spat. “If it’s not my worthless daughters. I’ve missed you terribly.”
“What is going on here?” Baba Yaga demanded, staring daggers at her mother while biting back what could only be described as a shocked grin. “Time hasn’t treated you well. That’s the worst boob job I’ve ever seen, Mother.”
“Restore me to my former beauty. NOW,” Endora snarled.
“No can do, momma dearest,” Marge said flatly, flying in a circle
around her mother and examining her from all angles. “The one who cast the spell—the very same one you challenged—must remove it. And I’m not sure she likes you enough to do so. Trying to steal children isn’t the best way to make friends.”
“I will destroy all of you,” Endora hissed, trying to clap her hands and cast a spell—which was impossible due to the length of her arms and the size of her girth.
“Yes, yes, yes,” Baba Yaga said feigning a yawn. “I’ve heard that one for centuries and somehow I’m still here.”
“Worthless,” Endora snapped, eyeing her daughters with distaste. “You think you’re so high and mighty because that ridiculous Goddess of yours chose you to rule, but that’s because of me. Neither of you would have amounted to anything without me.”
“Actually,” Marge said through gritted teeth, floating around to go face to face—or rather her face to Endora’s squashed boob-face. “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one. All the horrific beatings and degrading treatment simply made me despise you and leave as soon as possible. The Goddess was the one who gave me what you never did.”
“Ditto,” Baba Yaga concurred. “You’ve made a very grave mistake, Endora. In your current… umm… condition, you can’t complete the challenge you issued.”
Endora whirled in a circle like a fleshy disco ball and finally came to a stop when her eyes landed on me. “You will change me back and we shall finish. Do you understand me?”
“No, I don’t speak Asshole,” I replied with a shrug and a grin. I was buying time, hoping the green goop might just need a little rest before it kicked back in. If I returned Endora to herself, I’d have to finish the challenge. I had no clue if I could do it. My magic tank was totally out of gas. “Do you speak English?”
“I speak broken Asshole,” Sassy chimed in, hopping into the hole and coming to my side with the big dusty Book of Spells in her hands. “Enborka actually meant that she’s guilty of so much shit the list is too long to share and she really likes being a giant knocker. It would literally take years to confess all her wickedness. So she’d like Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants to read her mind and then translate her crimes into English since most people don’t speak Asshole as well as she does.”
“You will die,” Endora shrieked. “All of you will die and I will win. The babies will be mine.”
Her words echoed and the trees seemed to grumble with displeasure. That was strange and unsettling. I’d never heard the trees talk and I could have sworn they whispered at your bidding.
“Did you hear that?” I whispered to Sassy.
“Hear what?” she whispered back.
Great. I was out of magic and now I was hallucinating about trees talking to me.
“You need your hands, Mother,” Baba Yaga pointed out. “Your skills are nil without your hands.”
“You’re a horrid child. I wish you were never born,” she hissed at Baba Yaga.
The flash of pain across Baba Yaga’s beautiful face was unmistakable. She hid it immediately, but I understood it. My own mother hadn’t loved me. She wasn’t capable of it, but it had never stopped me from trying to win her love and affection.
“And what have we here?” Endora sneered as she took in the audience. She raised her brow, which was seriously grotesque since she was still a boob. “Roy Bermangoggleshitz… how sweet. I thought that was you last night. I’m surprised to see you after the unforgivable sins you committed against my daughter and our kind.”
“I beg your pardon?” Bermangoggleshitz growled.
“What are you talking about?” Marge demanded as her mother’s eyes grew wide with glee.
“Oh yes,” Endora said with false sorrow dripping from her words. “She hates you. You ruined her life. She was banished for your crimes, you evil piece of shit.”
“You’re rewriting history, mother,” Marge snapped. “You know nothing of what happened between Roy and me.”
“He’s scum and you’re stupid, but you’ve got a vicious way with prose, darling daughter.”
“Again, what are you talking about?” Marge pressed, quickly losing patience.
Bermangoggleshitz was fuming. His horns sprouted fire and one of his eyes blazed red. He looked every kind of terrifying—even Endora grew a little uncomfortable.
“Explain yourself, old woman,” he roared at Endora.
Endora shrugged—again really freakish considering her shoulders weren’t exactly where they should be. “It was hundreds of years ago. I really can’t be expected to remember details, you filthy, sticky-fingered warlock.”
Roy levitated and raised his hands high. Flames crackled off his horns and his dark magic shimmered and danced around him. He looked like a murderous, avenging, partially-beautiful angel with horns.
“No,” I shouted. “This is not your fight.”
With a furious curse, Roy floated back to the ground and growled like an animal. Endora cackled and jiggled as she watched him stand down.
It was my fight, but I still didn’t know how I was going to win. I had to prove the old hag had cheated somehow.
Sassy raised her hand and waited to be called on.
“Yes, Sassy?” Baba Yaga asked. “Does this actually pertain or is it about Law and Order?”
“I could save a lot of time here if I can get permission to go brain diving in a trash heap.”
“Interesting thought,” Baba said, staring at Sassy with a new respect.
Sassy cleared her throat and grinned, pleased with Baba Yaga’s approval. “Furthermore—which is a Yiddish word—this pile of crap actually has some interesting junk in it,” she went on, referring to the Book of Spells. “Says right here—possibly in Italian—if the challenge goes unfulfilled, the witch who is unable to fulfill her part for any reason must be sacrificed to the Goddess.”
“You’re shitting me,” I said, hopeful for the first time this evening.
“I shit you not. And there is nothing specific in here about turning someone into a booby. So I’d take that to mean that Genworma is disqualified since she can’t satisfy the conditions—a Swahili word.”
“Was she dropped on her head?” Endora screeched. “She speaks rubbish. That is not in the Book of Spells. You’re daft. And I am willing to fight. The red haired one cheated. She shall be sacrificed and the babies will be mine.”
“Hang on there for a hot second, Boobzilla,” Sassy said, beginning to enjoy herself. “I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m definitely not the giant-sized knocker here. And thank you for making me aware that I speak Rubbish. I didn’t even realize it was a language. I’m impressed my vernacular is growing without having to listen to that Rosetta Stone shit. Saves me more time for pool design. You feel me? However, I say we discuss your knowledge of Zelda’s wonky power and her aptitude for multiplying genitalia—pretty sure that was Rubbish.”
“Yep,” I agreed, deciding not to ever tell Sassy that Rubbish wasn’t a language. “Does seem a bit odd that you would know so much.”
“Yes mother, would you like to explain yourself?” Marge inquired in a tone so cold I shivered.
“Turn. Me. Back,” Endora said.
“Shortly,” Baba Yaga replied much to my dismay. “Fabio. Roy. Bring out the babies.”
What was she doing? Was she nuts? I wanted my children nowhere near Endora. Ever. Mac’s vicious snarl echoed my displeasure with Baba Yaga’s request.
Sassy grabbed my hand and held tight. Mac paced the side of the pool and never for a second let his eyes drop from Endora. I knew if she made one false move toward our children, he would break every rule and go for her. I would be right there with him.
Henry and Audrey were unusually quiet as they took in the scene. The entire kilt-clad population of Assjacket followed close behind. It was a vicious plaid sea of green and orange. The growls and gnashing fangs of my people made me feel very loved. My heart was in my throat as I waited to see what Baba Yaga would do.
I trusted her with my life and now
I had to trust her with my children’s lives. If she failed me, I would go after her as well. I loved her, but a mother’s love for her children trumped all else. Maybe not her mother’s love—or mine—or Sassy’s—but my love for my children was something I would happily die for—or kill for.
“What do you see?” Baba Yaga asked my babies.
“Holes!” Henry shouted, pointing at me.
Well, I couldn’t fault his observation skills. He was correct. The backyard was full of deep holes—pool and hot tub sized holes. My eyes shot to Baba Yaga and I glared hard. She raised one well-manicured brow at me and then turned her attention back to the babies.
“Buzzshit. Mamma gaga holes,” Audrey confirmed the backyard was a mess.
“Where?” Marge asked.
My eye roll was involuntary and large. However, I didn’t miss Endora’s swift intake of breath and neither did her daughters.
“Bon Mamma, bussit,” Henry announced. “Holes. Holes.”
“Peeky holes,” Audrey added.
“I’ve got it,” Sassy yelled, startling me. “I speak Baby. They said Mamma’s got holes in her bullshit and they’re leaky.”
Oh. My. Goddess. Sassy did indeed speak baby—kind of.
“I have holes,” I shouted, shaking with fury. “My aura. You fucked with my aura. You’ve drained my magic. Sassy go get a chair. I’m gonna go all Marge on her ass. My house. My rules. You drained my magic. You will fight me without magic. I’ll try to restore you, but just a heads up. Thanks to you, I don’t have a whole lot of voodoo left, so you could possibly end up as a giant hairy wiener. You feel me?”
“Or five,” Roger shouted from the crowd.
Endora didn’t look quite as confident as she had a few moments ago. In fact, she looked horrified.
“Not to mention screwing with someone’s aura is punishable by death,” Baba Yaga added.
“Prove it,” Endora snapped. “You can’t prove it.”
Marge glared at her mother and then turned to the babies. “Henry, Audrey, can you fix Mommy’s holes?”
Three's A Charm Page 14
