by Abigail Agar
“Mr. Potts, you have not told me about where you are a groom. It is for the Danby estate, is it not?” she asked.
“Hmm? Yes, yes, it is,” he replied, staring out into the distance.
“I assumed as much, but realized that I had not asked you. And are you happy working there?”
“Indeed. It is a most agreeable home and the family is respectable and good,” he explained.
“And what of your family? Surely, they must be very proud of you for working on behalf of nobility,” Ellie remarked.
“Certainly, yes. They are very happy for the work which I have and the fact that I am able to enjoy such an opportunity.”
Ellie was still not getting much from him. A part of her had expected that this conversation would lead him to telling her all about his own family and who they were and what they were like. Instead, it was causing him to give her halted answers with only a sentence or two. Was he not close to his family?
“Do they live nearby? Were you raised in London?” she pried.
“Yes, I was. And they do still live nearby,” he answered.
For a moment, they were silent and Ellie saw from the corner of her eye that he was sitting in the most proper fashion, with his hand on the cup and a finger out slightly. His manners were extremely formal and she wondered if this was simply the result of working for a titled family or if his own mother was demanding on these things.
“I should like to hear more about your work as a groom. I imagine that spending so much time with horses must be marvelous,” she said, hoping that this would be easier for him to talk about and for her to learn more about him through it.
“It truly is. I love spending time with the horses and it is my favorite part of my day. After a ride—to work them, of course—I bring them back and wash off all the dust and dirt and then brush out their manes and tails. It is simple work, but it does require a great deal of physical effort. I love every moment of it,” he told her, still not looking at her as he spoke.
Ellie wondered if she was right to be somewhat suspicious. The way he was talking, the way he seemed to have a great deal else on his mind, it felt as though he did not want her to know everything. Why would he try to hide something? If he was a simple stable hand, what did it matter?
Between his formality and the way he appeared uncomfortable discussing his work and family, she was quite certain that there was something he didn’t want her to know. Whatever it was, Ellie was convinced that he was trying to hide something or possibly telling her a lie altogether.
“Well, Mr. Potts, I am very glad that you are willing to share these things with me. I love hearing about it,” Ellie said, hoping that it would encourage him to tell her more.
But he did not appear as if he was willing to say another word. It frustrated her, and yet, she understood that there was no point in pushing someone who would not give. Although it did somewhat ruin the day for her, Ellie was still glad that they were at least having a chance to talk for a little while.
“I do find myself envying your position, I must confess. The thought of getting to work with horses all day, every day, is just wonderful. I can only imagine what it is like for you. I am sure that you must find me incredibly dull for being so excited by the thought, but I really do wish that I had such an opportunity for enjoying such magnificent creatures,” she said.
“Yes, it is wonderful. I do not find you dull for thinking so. In fact, I am relieved. It would have grieved me to think that you were uninterested in the work that I do. I am sure that there are many people who find horses disagreeable,” he said.
“How could anyone feel that way?” she asked in surprise.
His expression turned sour.
“There are those who do,” Mr. Potts mumbled.
Imagining that there must be someone in his life who disapproved of his love for horses, Ellie grew quiet. Perhaps he really did understand what it was like to have friends or family disapprove of everything he deemed important.
“Miss Windsor, you must forgive me for not sharing more with you,” he volunteered after a few moments. “I am not accustomed to speaking about myself in great detail. In fact, I find it very difficult to do so. You know, there are times in our lives when we are simply at odds with our circumstances. This is one of those seasons for me, I suppose.”
Ellie greatly appreciated that he was at least willing to tell her this much. She smiled at Mr. Potts and nodded in understanding.
“I can certainly relate to that. Thank you for telling me, Mr. Potts. I apologize for trying to push to learn more,” she said.
He smiled at her in reply and Ellie still sensed a hint of something strange in his expression. Whatever it was, she decided, it was not worth pushing him beyond what he was comfortable. She only hoped that they would not be separated by it further.
Chapter 20
It grieved Jonathan to hear the questions posed by Miss Windsor. She was obviously interested in knowing more about him and he could hardly blame her for that. He was being so secretive, which clearly bothered her.
And yet, he had to remain silent about all it. No matter how much he longed to tell her the truth so that they might grow closer to one another, Jonathan had to refrain from letting his emotions get the better of him. He wanted to tell her everything, yes, but it was far more important that he ensure she really cared for him before he confessed that he had been lying all along.
What if she would not forgive him? What if she was furious and decided to throw him aside for these terrible lies? What would he do if he lost her when he had come to care for her so deeply?
Jonathan wished that he had thought through all these things sooner. Maybe, if he had, he would not have been forced to keep up the lie at all. If he had been honest from the start, she would never have been willing to get this close to him, but what if he had told her the second time they met? Would she have been willing to hear the truth?
As it was, he found that he was in an awkward place of having waited too long. He had not been honest early enough to bring her any sort of comfort, but he had waited so that he could gain her trust first.
What was he doing?
Of course, he had an even bigger worry in regards to her learning the truth.
What if she believed he had immoral plans for her? So many noblemen had mistresses from amongst women of her station. It was certainly possible that she would fear his intentions had always been for nothing but his own desire for a mistress.
Jonathan would never use a woman like that, but how was she to know?
As he pondered these things, he realized that he was wasting time. He had come to meet with her so that they could enjoy their time together. Instead, he was simply worrying about everything and missing out on their interaction.
Choosing instead to focus and give Miss Windsor his full attention, Jonathan figured that his best option was to try and change the subject.
“You know, I do believe there are other things we might try to do to keep up the appearance of the home. Have you considered a fuller garden? Or, perhaps, a fresh coat of paint along the trim outside? It could be a good option for brightening things a bit,” he said in an effort to redirect her.
“That is a marvelous idea. The house really could use an added detail like that, but I do not think it will be easy to get paint,” she said.
“What? Why not?” he scoffed.
Looking directly at Miss Windsor, Jonathan immediately realized what she meant. Of course it would be difficult to get paint. She likely had no money of her own and spending it on something so costly was unreasonable.
“The estate often has such things lying around. Perhaps I might be able to find some paint. It would not be so much of a surprise to me,” he said.
Her bright eyes expressed her hope that he was right. Jonathan committed that he would look for paint the moment he arrived home. More than anything, he wanted to make Miss Windsor happy and it was clear that this could help to do just that.
/> “You know, I was thinking about something we spoke of a very long time ago. I know we briefly rode together when we came from the lake, but how would you feel about going for a proper ride sometime? I thought that, perhaps, I could meet you a short distance from the estate and…well, if you are interested…” Jonathan suggested.
“I would love that!” Miss Windsor exclaimed. “I would need to wait for a day when I was certain that my aunt would be gone for quite a while. You see, if I came home smelling like a horse, she would be furious with me. Last time, I was very fortunate to escape her notice and I rushed to clean up right away.”
“Yes, of course,” Jonathan said, mourning her lack of independence.
It was perfectly dreadful that a young woman such as Miss Windsor could not have the life she wanted. Although he understood that this was simply the way of things for some young ladies, he could not reasonably figure why her aunt so insisted upon this demanding life.
Certainly, he had known young ladies from extremely noble families who were kept quite close to home, with grave restrictions on where they might go and who they could see. He had never heard of such a thing for a young lady who was not of noble birth. It was sad and disappointing.
It also meant that he did not have the freedom to be close to her that he wanted and Jonathan could hardly admit even to himself that it was truly out of his own selfish desire to be closer to her that he struggled against these rules she faced.
Jonathan found that he was really quite overwhelmed by the idea of being near her. He was drawn to her intensely and if her family could not see that she was deserving of better treatment, he wondered how he might ever be able to convince her of anything different. She appeared to believe them wholeheartedly.
“Miss Windsor, is your aunt and her family…are they of noble birth? The way you speak about them, it sounds as though they might have some sort of status,” he concluded, asking in case that might be the explanation.
Miss Windsor winced and shook her head.
“They are not titled, but they are quite wealthy. My aunt married into a family which had a good fortune within their grasp and she was always quite pleased about that,” she answered him.
Jonathan had to refrain from looking around at the house whose back garden they were sitting in. It was not the home of anyone who had either money or status. He began to fit the pieces together that this home must have belonged to her father as opposed to her mother’s family. Furthermore, her father could not have had much to his own name.
Somehow, this humility made him understand Miss Windsor better. She really was a young lady of humble means, but in the most exquisite way possible. She was someone who could live a full, exciting life without need of such things.
Moreover, she was someone who could cast aside the opinions of others which he found absolutely remarkable. Knowing that she was this exquisitely in tune with who she was and what mattered most to her was something he had scarcely seen before.
“I hope it does not bother you, knowing that my own family was so poor and that we had barely anything to our names,” she said to him, looking at him with eyes full of discomfort.
“What? Me? No! Not at all. I am utterly unbothered by such a thing. Believe me, Miss Windsor. You are not the sort of woman who could ever bother me,” he said, honestly.
“Not the sort of woman? So, there are sorts of women who do bother you?” she asked.
He shifted and looked away from her. How could he explain that he had been around so many dreadful noblewomen with their petty problems and nonsensical issues?
“Well, there are women who care more about their own comforts and opportunities than they care for the lives of others. There are those who simply cannot bring themselves to even acknowledge the reality that there are men and women in this world who deserve the same care and affection as they do,” he said.
“I understand that, but I can hardly blame them. For those men and women, the ones who think that they are the most important in all the world, I think that they must live very small lives, to be perfectly honest. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to look to a future with such ease because they never have to fight for anything which they have,” Miss Windsor said.
“I know what you mean,” Jonathan said, realizing that he was precisely one of those people. Filled with shame and regret for his own upbringing, Jonathan glanced out at the garden and wished that he could prove to Miss Windsor that he was able to be the sort of fellow who understood her. But if she knew that he was from just one of those families like they were discussing, she might not trust him at all.
It was difficult to imagine where the future would take them, but he was willing to do whatever it might take to prove to her that he could be the right sort of man for her. Even when she would, eventually, be told, he hoped that she would trust him enough by then to know that he would never treat her the way so many noblemen and noblewomen tended to behave.
Just then, Jonathan saw a squirrel looking at them with curiosity. Miss Windsor instantly pulled off little bits of bread and the squirrel drew nearer to them. Just like before, with the deer, he was in awe of her uncanny ability to be trusted. These creatures, great and small, they all wanted to know more about her. It was beautiful. It was lovely how she managed to entice them with such ease and simplicity.
Jonathan grabbed a few little bits of bread as well and two other squirrels came rushing towards them. How this had happened, he could not say. Whatever had led these creatures to choose him as well, it was rather remarkable. But Jonathan and Miss Windsor looked at one another and he realized that this had been the things he had always longed for.
She was a woman who understood him, who understood his need for nature and all things outdoors. It was so rare and incredible that he imagined she was the only woman in the world for him. As much as he had always hoped for someone like her, he had never imagined that he would actually find her.
Miss Windsor had opened his eyes to the reality that there was a new day before him and he could grasp it with hope and affection, without any other reason to fear that he was relegated to the life his mother wanted for him.
The squirrels nibbled directly from his hand, taking turns. He chanced to speak, even though he feared that it might startle the creatures.
“I thought they were rather solitary,” he said in a gentle, quiet tone.
They all paused and looked up at him, but did not rush away.
“I think they typically fight over food, but we are offering it to them with ease and abundance. There is no reason for them to fight about it,” she replied in a similar fashion, smiling as she gazed upon the small animals.
“I appreciate that they are willing to set aside their selfishness to enjoy this together. It is lovely to watch them eat with company,” Jonathan said.
“Indeed, it is. I think even those who prefer to be independent and on their own can benefit from having others around. Here before us, we see evidence of just that,” Miss Windsor said, rather wisely.
Indeed, even the two of them tended to live solitary lives, but when they sat together, just enjoying their time, they were certainly a good deal better off.
“Miss Windsor, I find it remarkable that you are so in tune with what is needed in nature. I am impressed and I think I always shall be,” he said.
“It is nothing at all. I am fortunate that I get to experience these things,” she said.
“But you do recognize that most do not have these chances, correct? I mean, I have never met anyone else who does this, who can gather wildlife to eat from them,” he said.
