by J. M. Walker
My body heated, the tiny hairs on my skin, tingling the longer he stared at me.
“Evvie,” Brett’s voice lowered, taking on that delicious tone that promised hours of endless pleasure.
I would have stepped out of his embrace. I would have slapped him. Yelled at him. Demanded for the answers I knew he didn’t want to give me. But instead, I stood there, staring up at the man I had given every inch of myself to. The man who made me fall in love with him. The man who was so damn hard to trust in the beginning when I knew about all of the notches on his bedpost.
Brett cupped my ass, the growing erection between us only heightening my desire for this man. And my hate. I hated that no matter how much I was mad at him, I would always want him. My body deceived me. While my mind told me to run away, my heart said to love him at the same time.
Love.
Fucking please.
It clearly did shit.
Brett lowered his face into the crook of my neck, his lips finding the soft spot just below my ear.
“Evvie,” he whispered, his deep voice coming out raspy and velvety smooth. “I love you, my beautiful wife. I love you so fucking much.”
My heart jumped against my ribs, the blood pounding so damn hard in my ears, I was surprised he didn’t hear it.
How could this man standing in front of me love me like he said he did, but hurt me just the same? Did he feel the pain I was in from my fingertips grazing down his broad chest? Could he feel the cracking of my heart the longer time went on where we just stood there deciding what to do next? My soul called out to him but my brain told me to leave. To run. Like I had done in the beginning so many years ago.
“I love you,” he whispered, cupping my nape and running his hand under the hem of my dress. His fingers grazed over the back of my thighs, reaching higher and higher until they touched the soft skin just beneath the cheeks of my ass. “I will spend the rest of my life making up for this shit. I promise you I didn’t know. I know you don’t believe me. But I swear I didn’t know.”
Curling my hands into his dress shirt, I pulled him closer. As much as I wanted to push him away, as much I knew I should have kicked his ass out, I couldn’t. I didn’t know why. I probably never would.
“I don’t want your love,” I murmured. “I don’t want your sweet words. I don’t want your apologies.” I shoved out of his grip, forcing him to take a step back. “Right now, I want to fuck you and I hate myself for it.”
Brett’s jaw clenched, the muscle twitching in his jaw.
As we stared each other down, I couldn’t help but wonder if we would ever get through this.
My husband had a kid with another woman. I didn’t think I could. I wasn’t strong enough. He had been my rock through the worst times of my life. Having cancer and losing my father. I had always thought it couldn’t get worse. Well apparently, it could.
“Was I not good enough for you?” I asked, my chin quivering.
“Fuck, Evvie.” Brett rubbed the back of his neck. “Of course you’re good enough. You’re more than good enough.”
“Then why the hell did you fuck her?” I screamed, charging for him. I beat my fists against his chest, unleashing the pain, the fury, the outright rage onto the man I married. The man I had given my soul to. The man I almost died for when giving birth to his kid. “I wasn’t enough. I will never be enough because all you can think about is getting your dick wet. I hate you. I hate what you’ve done to us.”
Brett grabbed my hands, holding on to my wrists, and pushed me back.
“Let go of me,” I yelled, struggling against him but his hold only tightened.
He didn’t say anything as he kept pushing me until I hit the edge of the bed. His face was impassive but his eyes told all. He was turned on and that made me hate him even more.
Brett
I SHOULDN’T HAVE wanted Evvie to fuck me. I shouldn’t have pushed until she snapped. But sex had always been our out. For the longest time, it had been the only way we could communicate.
With both of her wrists in my hands, I shoved her onto the bed and knelt between her legs. But I didn’t take it further. As much as I wanted to, as much as I wanted to dive into her tight heat and demand for her to scream my name, I didn’t.
Shoving her arms above her head, the small gasp that escaped her mouth, shot straight to the tip of my dick. I couldn’t help but want her. She was my wife and as much as she hated me, one word from her and I would be balls deep inside her.
“I love you, Evvie,” I said, needing to break the silence. “I love you more than life itself. I don’t deserve you. I don’t even know if we’ll make it through this, but I am sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for everything I’ve ever done. Claire is my biggest regret.”
Evvie’s cheeks were mottled pink, her mouth set in a firm line. “I don’t give a shit about her right now. All I care about is us.” Her eyes welled, her chest rising and falling with ragged breaths. “I can’t do this. I can’t. Not with you. I love you too much to let you go but hate you just the same for breaking my heart.”
My stomach twisted.
“My sweet Evvie,” I whispered.
***
(Evvie)
No longer was I the wife of Brett MacLean, but a woman who wanted a piece of him instead. It wasn’t right. It was sick and twisted in the way I wanted to use him for my own personal pleasure. I didn’t care about anything else except to get him back inside me and use him until I was completely and utterly satisfied.
I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.
Lifting my dress to my hips, I grabbed onto the collar of his shirt and pulled him toward me. As soon as our lips crashed together, all bets were off.
I ripped open his shirt, pushing the material off his shoulders and down his strong back. My nails dug into his skin, scratching into his muscles until he trembled above me.
A growl escaped him.
Brett ran his hands under my dress, gripping the sides of my panties and snapping the thin fabric until they fell off my hips.
With his tongue deep in my mouth and my hands snaking through the short hair at the back of his neck, I waited for him to completely consume me. This man was my undoing. Even after shattering my heart, I couldn’t help but want him. But it wasn’t in the way one would think. I was saying goodbye. He knew it. I knew it.
I wasn’t sure if this would be the end of us. But I needed to leave him with something and take from him in return.
Forcing my tongue deeper into Brett’s mouth, I lifted my hips and waited. For what, I wasn’t sure. He had been in control for so long, I didn’t know how to take it back anymore.
Brett gripped my hips, wrapping my legs around his waist, and spun us around until I was straddling his lap.
Keeping my mouth locked on his, I reached between us and cupped him over his pants.
He groaned, his hips bucking beneath me. “Evvie.”
I released his mouth and undid his belt. The clinking of the metal sent a shiver down my spine.
Under normal circumstances, dirty words would have fallen from Brett’s mouth. He would have told me what to do to him or what he wanted to do to me, in the most vulgar way possible. But this time he was silent and it sent agony ripping through me.
My nose burned, my eyes welling. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t use him like this. As much as I wanted him, as much as I would always want him, I wasn’t this type of person. Sex wasn’t the answer. Even in a relationship like ours. Even in the hatred I felt for my husband. It wasn’t enough.
Brett wrapped his arms around me, holding me against him while I cried.
***
(Brett)
We had fought before and it would always end up with us having sex. After the abuse and shit I had been through as a kid, it was the only way I knew how to speak to this woman crying in my arms. But Evvie had welcomed it with every inch of her. Both of us had trust issues and took out our possession of each other on each other.
I held my w
ife while she broke apart in my arms. Knowing there was nothing I could do, I hugged her and pulled her against me as hard as I could without hurting her.
“I can’t do this,” she whispered, covering her face. “I can’t use you.”
But fuck me did I want her to.
I knew it wasn’t right and it wouldn’t make sense to most, but the fact that Evvie stopped us from having sex bothered me more than if she would have let me fuck her. It meant that she was closing up on me and I had no idea how to get back inside her heart.
“I want you to use me,” I murmured, brushing my lips along the length of her jaw. “I want you to hurt me. Show me your wrath, baby,” I swallowed hard, desperation coating my tongue at the use of the new pet name. “Give me whatever you can but don’t shut me out. Please.”
“I want you, but I hate you.” She wrapped her arms around my neck, leaning her head against my shoulder. “And I love you. God, I love you.” Her body shook. “A part of me wished I didn’t. Then this wouldn’t hurt so damn much.”
Evvie slid off my lap, much to my dismay, and hugged her arms around her waist. “I need you to leave,” she whispered, not meeting my gaze.
I had argued before, demanding that she not kick me out but this time, with her soft words, I knew I had lost.
My chest tightened, my stomach tumbling over itself. I didn’t know how to fix this fucked up situation I had put us in.
Standing from the bed, I closed the distance between us and kissed her head. “No matter what happens, I will always love you. You’ve given me years of happiness after a childhood of pain. I can never repay you for that.”
A soft sob escaped her, her eyes fluttering closed.
“I mean it, sweet girl.” I brushed my fingers down her cheek before pinching her chin. Placing a soft peck on her mouth, I inhaled a shaky breath. “I mean every single word.”
Her tears coated my lips, mixing with my own.
We stood like that for what felt like hours. With my lips against hers and her tears on my tongue, it was all I could do not to pull her into my arms and beg for her to forgive me. But she refused to say anything else or even touch me. I knew it was time. I had to leave.
Releasing Evvie, I left our bedroom and walked down the hall. Once I reached the top of the stairs, my gaze landed on the pictures hanging on the wall. The collage of canvases stared back at me. All of us were happy. Our kids. Evvie and I. Every single one of us had smiles on our faces and love in our eyes.
Memories of that day slid into my mind.
Laughter. Teasing. Our sons driving our daughter crazy, fighting like the siblings they were. But the picture of the three of them didn’t show that only a couple minutes before, Miracle had both Patrick and Eddie in headlocks. Thanks to Evvie’s brother, Evan, showing her how it was done. They had laughed it off, the image of them showcasing that.
And I ruined it. I fucking ruined everything.
Pulling the canvas of the five of us off the wall, I left our home. I didn’t know where I was going to go or what I would do but if Evvie needed time, I would give it to her.
For now.
Evvie
“WHAT THE HELL happened?” Anna asked, pouring more wine into my glass. Although she had lived in the U.S. for quite some time, her British accent came out whenever she was aggravated.
I shook my head, swallowing hard for fear that I would start sobbing like a baby again. It had been two days, forty-eight damn hours since Brett dropped the bombshell that was our current situation on me.
“Evvie.” She placed a gentle hand on my arm. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t even know where to begin,” I told her, swallowing past the hard lump in my throat.
“You have to tell me something. I love you and your kids but when you leave them at our house without so much of an explanation, I start to worry.”
“I know.” I took a sip of the wine, the bitter fruity taste sliding down my parched throat. “I’m sorry for that.”
“Did Brett do something?” she asked, turning toward me and taking a sip of her own wine.
“God.” I laughed lightly. “What hasn’t he done?” He made me fall in love with him. Gave me three beautiful children. Fucked someone else and gave her a kid as well. Same shit. Different day.
“Evvie.” Anna paused when Evan walked into the living room. “Hey, bab—Evan.”
I winced. “Please don’t do that. Just because my relationship is in the shitter currently, doesn’t mean I don’t want you both to be happy.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Evan asked, sitting on the other side of Anna. “Do I need to kick Brett’s ass?”
I looked between them both and spilled. Everything. When I was done telling them what Brett had revealed a couple of days ago, Anna’s eyes were wide and Evan’s cheeks were pink.
“Yup,” he bit out. “Definitely going to kick his ass.”
“I’m sure he’s doing that enough to himself,” I muttered, finishing the glass of wine. My head swam, my stomach rolling over itself.
“I’m so sorry.” Anna pulled me in for a hug. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”
“Still going to kick his ass,” Evan mumbled. “But I love you, sis. Anything you and the kids need, let us know and we’ll do our best to get it for you.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, wiping a lonely tear that had rolled down my cheek. “Right now, I just need my kids to be happy.”
“But what about you?” Anna released me, leaning back. “You need to be happy too.”
“I honestly don’t know what I need anymore.” I shrugged. “I just want my husband back. I want everything to be the way it was before.”
“I know, honey.” She hugged me. “Did you want to stay here?”
“I think I’m just going to head home.” I stood from the couch, wavering on my feet. “But I shouldn’t drive.”
“I’ll drive you,” Evan offered. “I have to pick up a case of beer for this one anyway,” he said, pointing at his wife.
“It’s not my fault you drank it all,” she threw back at him, slapping his arm playfully.
I smiled, enjoying the back and forth banter between them. Knowing how hard they worked for what they had now, I was thankful their relationship took a turn in the right direction.
“You want to go now?” Evan asked, meeting my gaze.
I nodded. “You don’t mind keeping the children for one more night? I need some time alone.” To wallow in my own self-pity.
“Not at all.” Anna gave me another quick hug. “If Evan doesn’t get to him first, I’ll kick Brett’s ass for you.”
I laughed lightly. “Thank you.” I appreciated their concern. I did. But there was nothing they could do. There was nothing even I could do except for wait. Brett hadn’t tried to contact me. It was me who had pushed him away but it still hurt. Everything fucking hurt.
“Mama.”
My head snapped up to meet Miracle’s deep blue gaze. My heart panged. Although she looked like me in every sense of the word, she had Brett’s eyes. It was like my husband was looking back at me.
“Hey, baby,” I whispered, slipping my feet into my flats. I didn’t even realize I had left the living room. Running a shaky hand through my hair, I gave her a small smile.
“Where are you going? Uncle Evan said he was driving you home and we were staying here.”
“You are.” I swallowed hard. “I have some things to do so your aunt and uncle are going to watch you guys for the night.”
“But we’ve been here for a couple of days already.” She crossed her arms under chest, looking pointedly in my direction. Although she was only thirteen, she had the air of a young woman. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing that I can’t handle,” I told her. “Evan, you ready?”
“Mama.” Miracle took a step toward me. “Is something going on with you and Daddy?”
I pulled her into my arms, wrapping myself around her small body. “D
on’t worry about it, baby.” I kissed her head. “I’ll handle this. Take care of your brothers.”
“You think I’m too young to know what’s going on but I’m not stupid, Mama.” She leaned back. “I know something’s wrong.”
“I’m not going to lie to you.” I brushed a hand down her cheek. “Something is wrong but I’m working on fixing it.”
“Did you and Daddy get in a fight?”
I nodded.
“Okay.” Her mouth set in a grim line. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I kissed her head one last time, thankful she hadn’t asked any more questions.
“Hey, kiddo.” Evan came around the corner. “Did you want me to bring you and your brothers home ice cream?”
“Sure,” she muttered, her brows narrowing.
Evan looked between us. “Okay.”
“Ice cream,” Eddie cried, running down the stairs, followed by his brother. “We want some too.”
Patrick only nodded.
“Uncle Evan will get you some.” I kissed Eddie’s head. “I promise.”
“Yay!” he cried, running back up the stairs.
God, I wished I had his energy. I wished having ice cream would fix it all and make everything better. I wished it was that simple.
Patrick tugged on my dress.
“Yes, baby boy?” I knelt in front of him.
Without saying a word, he wrapped his arms around my neck.
I held him tight, a soft sigh escaping me. “Thank you,” I whispered.
He leaned back, kissed my forehead and ran up the stairs. He never ceased to amaze me. He was the youngest, but he was his father through and through. He would make someone happy one day.
I gave Miracle another quick hug and left the house, needing some fresh air. My chest tightened as I gasped for breath. My kids felt the distance between Brett and I. I couldn’t control this urge to cry. To just give up. Was I overreacting? Brett and I weren’t together when he slept with Claire but he loved me. He said he loved me. He made me tell him I loved him back. I was so damn confused. We had been through a lot, but this hurt the most. Knowing he was inside her after fucking me…
