All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “How ’bout a dolphin?” Mo pointed behind Kate.

  “Don’t joke. You know how I feel about dolphins.” As incredulous as she was, she had to look. Past the bow of the boat she spotted a shape that was undeniably a dolphin leaping out of the water.

  “Oh! It’s coming our way!” Without thinking, she reached for Mo. The feeling of Mo’s skin under her fingertips sent a jolt through her. She pulled her hand back but not before brushing it over Mo’s shoulder and down her back as she awkwardly regained her balance in the water.

  “There’s a whole pod,” Mo said. “Can you see them?”

  A half dozen silver silhouettes crested over the waves like dancers leaping in perfect synchrony. Kate tried to focus on the dolphins, but her mind was stuck on the fact that she’d inadvertently stroked Mo’s back. The move had been all reflex, for better or worse.

  “Terri spotted them,” Mo added.

  “Thanks for coming to tell me. Where’s Terri?” Kate realized then that she’d lost track of the others.

  “Back in the boat. Carly and Bryn had enough swimming and she volunteered to let Reed and Julia have some more time together. I told the kids she was scared of seeing that little shark’s mama.” Mo chuckled. “You know, Terri was asking all about you.”

  “You told her I’m amazing, right?” Kate joked.

  “Of course. I had to tell her the truth.”

  Kate expected Mo to joke as well, but her tone was completely serious. She tried to focus on the dolphins. Each time one leapt out of the waves, the sunlight turned the spray of water coming off its skin to shimmering silver.

  “I know I used to tease you for being obsessed with dolphins, but they are beautiful,” Mo said.

  Kate’s hand still tingled with the memory of touching Mo’s back. “I think I deserved a little teasing. You had to put up with all my dolphin posters.”

  “So are you going to ask her out?”

  “I haven’t ever asked anyone out,” Kate admitted. Could she really go on a date with Terri when accidentally touching Mo made every part of her body come alive?

  “She’ll say yes, trust me, so at least you don’t have to worry about that.” Mo paused. “And I know I already said this, but I really am sorry about how I acted when you were with Ethan. I won’t be that friend again.”

  Mo hadn’t made any secret of the fact that she didn’t like Ethan. But it was Mo’s jealousy that made Kate think she was interested. Unfortunately, that wasn’t true. “I think it’s normal for friends to be jealous of boyfriends or girlfriends. Who doesn’t want more one-on-one time with their best friend?”

  “It was more than that,” Mo said.

  “What do you mean?” Kate waited, but Mo only scanned the waves as if she were looking for more dolphins. “Want to tell me?”

  “Not really. Can we forget I said it?”

  “I probably owe you a few of those. I’m usually the one avoiding the conversation.”

  Mo looked over at her. Her smile was close-lipped. “I probably shouldn’t give you such a hard time about that either.”

  The captain’s whistle stopped Mo from saying more. It was the signal to come back to the boat. Mo looked from the boat to Kate. “Wanna race?”

  “You’ll win.”

  Mo winked. “Only if I decide not to let you win.”

  Kate pushed Mo’s shoulder, dunking her, and then quickly pulled her own mask into place and started for the boat. She heard laughter behind her but didn’t look back. By the time she reached the ladder, she was out of breath and only a stroke ahead of Mo. But she’d won.

  “I can’t believe it. Kate Owens cheated,” Mo said, pulling off her mask.

  “I didn’t cheat. You never said dunking wasn’t allowed.” Kate cocked her head. “But if you can’t handle a little dunking…”

  “Oh, I can handle it.” Mo splashed Kate as she reached for one of the higher ladder rungs. “Besides we were racing back to the boat and no one’s in the boat yet.” She laughed as Kate tried to pull her back into the water.

  “That was some swimming,” Terri said, smiling down at them.

  Kate let go of her hold on Mo. “Thanks. Want to tell Mo that I won fair and square?”

  Mo scrambled up the ladder still wearing her flippers. She landed on her butt on the platform and held up her hands. “Who’s on the boat?”

  Laughing, Terri tossed Mo a towel and then turned to stretch a hand out to Kate. “I’ll take your flippers. It makes the climb easier.”

  “Thanks.” Kate smiled. “Unlike some people, I’d rather not look like a goofball.”

  “Are you calling me a goofball?” Mo asked, her voice full of mocked disbelief.

  “She doesn’t have to,” Terri said, winking at Mo.

  “Oh, burn.” Kate laughed.

  Kate handed over her flippers as Terri joked with Mo about her swimming technique. Kate knew Mo could have easily beat her if she’d been trying, even after being dunked at the start. She’d let her win.

  After toweling off, Kate followed Terri up the steps and then took a seat. She noticed Mo’s look when Terri sat down next to her. Whether or not Mo was going to be jealous if she asked Terri out was still up for debate.

  Kate turned to Terri. “Mo said you were the one who spotted the dolphins. Thanks for sending her over to tell me.”

  “I didn’t want you to miss them. Dolphins always seem a little magical out there playing in the waves.”

  “I love them.”

  “Me too. And I have a feeling that we have more than dolphins in common.” Terri cocked her head to the side. “That might be one of the worst pick-up lines I’ve ever used.”

  Kate laughed. “Believe it or not, I’ve heard worse.”

  Miguel bustled around handing out towels and bottles of water as the captain turned on the engine. Terri leaned close to point out a blur in the distance. “That’s another pod, I think.”

  More dolphins emerged from the water and everyone on board seemed to spot them at the same moment. As the boat zipped over the waves, the oohing and ahhing got louder with the dolphins coming close to play in the boat’s break. When the captain veered to the right, the pod fell back.

  Kate kept her eyes on them until the sunlight was too bright. She turned to look the other direction and caught Mo staring at her. Her expression was difficult to read. At first Kate thought she was upset, her full lips a tight straight line and her eyes concealed behind a pair of sunglasses, but then she raised her hand in a slow wave and leaned back in her seat. Maybe she was only tired from the swim.

  “How do you feel about tacos?”

  Kate looked over at Terri. “I like them. That also might be the strangest way I think I’ve ever been asked out—if you’re asking me out.”

  “I am—if you say yes. Otherwise it was just a random question.”

  Kate laughed.

  “There’s this fabulous little restaurant on the beach that I found the last time I was here. Their tacos are unbelievable. Want to go for lunch?”

  Kate ignored the nagging thought that a date with Terri wouldn’t change her feelings about Mo. It was past time to move on. “I’d love to.”

  Chapter Eight

  “You’re really going out for tacos?”

  Kate flopped onto the bed. “Yes, Mo, tacos. Why is it so crazy that Terri asked me to go out for tacos?”

  “Well, you know…tacos.”

  “Seriously? How old are you?”

  “I’m just saying that I think it’s funny that she wants to eat tacos with you.”

  “We’re in Mexico on a tiny island. It’s not like there are a lot of options for food. Anyway, I like tacos.”

  “Who doesn’t like tacos?” Mo mumbled. “I bet Terri likes them even more.”

  “I like women, Mo. Clearly you don’t believe me or you’ve got some issue with that, but—”

  “I don’t have any issues,” Mo argued.

  “That makes one of us.” Kate rolled onto her belly a
nd faced Mo. “And this is you not being jealous?”

  “I’m not jealous.”

  “Next you’ll tell me it’s just that you like tacos too.”

  “I do like tacos.”

  When they’d parted from the rest of the group at the dock, Mo had started in with questions about Terri’s proposed date. That she felt better with Mo on the defensive was something Kate’s therapist would have “wanted to unpack,” but she wasn’t interested in analyzing her feelings at the moment.

  Mo had showered and only had a towel on. Her brown skin contrasted with the white towel that barely concealed her breasts in a way that made Kate’s mouth go dry. She thought of how often she stopped herself from telling Mo how good-looking she was. Mo had a big enough ego that she recognized her own sexiness. But with her standing two feet away from the bed, shoulders squared and hands on her hips as if she was openly challenging someone to pull off her towel, Kate was tempted to say the words aloud.

  What would happen if she were honest with Mo about her attraction? Kate tossed the idea before the words had a chance to slip out. She sat up and reached for the bottle of water on her nightstand.

  “She couldn’t stop looking at you on the boat ride,” Mo said.

  “Yesterday you were trying to convince me that she liked me. Now you’re upset she was looking at me?”

  “I’m not upset.” Mo went over to her suitcase and pulled out a pair of shorts. “So you don’t mind she was ogling your breasts?”

  “Ogling? Careful, Mo. That sounded a little jealous.”

  Mo unfolded the shorts. “You’re right. Sorry. I hope you have fun eating tacos together.”

  “Marginally better.”

  Mo sighed. “I’m still upset about the conversation I had with Chantal this morning. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

  “What’d she say?”

  “It was more what she didn’t say.”

  Kate waited for Mo to go on, but she only turned sideways and tugged her shorts on underneath the towel. Mo dropped the towel as she pulled a sports bra on over her head.

  Kate loved the curve Mo’s breasts made and how the dark nipples pointed up as if arguing with gravity. She’d always felt intimidated by Mo’s body, by how perfect every part of her seemed, and by the effortless strength she possessed. Like some Amazon warrior. Of course, according to myth if she’d been born an Amazon, at least one of her breasts would have been a goner. “That would be a shame,” Kate said. She realized she’d said the thought aloud when Mo turned to look at her.

  “What would?”

  For a second, Kate considered telling her. There was a good chance Mo would have laughed. “Sorry, I was thinking aloud. What are you going to do this afternoon?”

  “I think I’ll take a nap,” Mo said. “Then brush up on my Ping-Pong game.”

  “You still planning on a rematch?”

  “Better believe it. I went too easy on you last night.”

  “Oh, really? Well, I can’t wait to see you really try.”

  Mo posed with a fake paddle held high, her eyes narrowed as she pretended to concentrate. Even joking around, she was still damn sexy. And, Kate reminded herself, in twenty minutes, she needed to meet Terri for lunch. She needed to stop thinking about Mo.

  The tacos were either the best she’d ever had or she had been starving. She finished the first two and, wiping the remnants of salsa from her lips with her finger, looked up to Terri’s smile.

  “That’s how I felt when I first tasted these. It was like I couldn’t get it into my mouth fast enough and I didn’t care if anyone saw me licking my fingers.”

  Kate laughed and Terri clapped her hand over her mouth when she realized what she’d said. “That sounded a lot dirtier than I meant it to be.”

  “It’s okay. I’m usually the one saying something like that with no clue why everyone’s laughing,” Kate said. “You have to watch out around Mo and Julia. They pick up on every double meaning.”

  Terri reached for her soda. She’d eaten one of the chicken tacos on her plate but was going slower than Kate. This was a date for her, Kate reminded herself. She was supposed to be on a date as well, obviously, but it didn’t feel like one. She was too relaxed. And, she realized in that moment, her attraction to Terri wasn’t enough to make her feel self-conscious. She wasn’t certain if that was a problem or not. Maybe being relaxed was a good thing.

  “How many times have you been here?”

  “To Cozumel?” Terri paused, looking up at the sky. “Four times. The first two trips were with my ex-wife. But last summer I came here alone and then Reed and Julia invited me and I couldn’t say no.”

  “Ex-wife?”

  Terri sighed. “Yeah. She didn’t like tacos. Clearly our relationship was destined to fail.”

  Terri and Kate both laughed, and the nearest patrons, an older white couple with bad sunburns, eyed them suspiciously. The woman scowled and whispered something to the man.

  Terri ignored it, reaching for her next taco. Kate considered telling the woman to mind her own business but knew she’d only make a big deal out of nothing. The problem was, the scowling reminded her of a different meal. She looked down at her plate.

  Her mind spun back to Mo’s nineteenth birthday. She’d wanted to treat her to something special and knowing how Mo loved ribs, she decided to take her to a place in the suburbs that advertised authentic Texas barbeque. As soon as they’d walked in, every head in the place turned. They sat down at a table and the whole restaurant got quiet. A dozen straight, white, cowboy boot-wearing assholes scowled at them. She’d asked Mo if she wanted to leave, ashamed that she hadn’t thought of how Mo would be treated and embarrassed that in some ways, this crowd was her people. Mo only sat a little taller in her seat, smiled, and reached for the menu. “Don’t worry about them. We’re here for the ribs.” Kate had wanted to reach across the table and squeeze Mo’s hand then, but she’d been too scared. She still regretted sitting there not doing a damn thing.

  “You okay?”

  Kate eyed the one remaining taco and forced a smile. “I’m debating if I have room for one more. The problem is, once you start eating, you can’t stop halfway.”

  “Some people say you really shouldn’t stop eating until you’ve finished what you’ve started.”

  “I’ve heard that.” Kate returned the flirty tone, but her conscience tugged at her. She needed to be honest with Terri. Aside from the fact that she was still thinking of Mo, there were other issues that might make Terri wish she’d never agreed to tacos. “I’ve never actually gone down on a woman.”

  Terri stopped mid-bite. Kate hadn’t planned out her sentence, and she almost laughed at the words that had slipped out. It was one part nerves and one part letting go of old hang-ups. She pushed herself to go on: “I’m a little worried that I’ll do it wrong when I have a chance.”

  Terri set her taco down and wiped her hands off on the napkin. She met Kate’s gaze. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be perfect the first time.”

  “To be clear, I’ve had plenty of oral sex. Just not with women.” She’d never had sex with a woman despite how many times she’d imagined it. But why was she telling Terri? She was so used to holding back when sex talk happened that she couldn’t believe she was opening up now. She rationalized that it was because she didn’t want to lead Terri on or have her expecting anything she couldn’t deliver. But was it simply that she wanted to get it all off her chest? The only time she’d ever talked about sex with anyone besides her therapist was with Mo and Julia. With them, she got tongue-tied and rarely said what she was thinking. She felt how they judged her, and she wasn’t brave enough to bluff her way through a lack of experience.

  “I like how honest you are. Where’d you come from?”

  “Sand Bluff, Texas. I’m not usually this honest. You bring it out in me.”

  “I’ve heard Texans are straight shooters.”

  “In every sense of the word.” Kate sighed. “I’m
trying to be less straight. It’s been a long, hard process.” She laughed, but the truth in her statement only made her feel like more of an imposter.

  “So you haven’t had a girlfriend yet?”

  “I’ve gone on some dates. And I kissed a girl.” Kate scrunched up her face, hearing how naive that sentence sounded. “I mean, I know I want more than kissing. It just hasn’t happened yet. Mostly I’ve dated guys. Not long after I started college, there was this girl on the track team…we kissed in the locker room. I wasn’t really into her, but I wanted to feel what it was like. I kind of needed to test it out. Does that make sense? I’ve never told anyone that before.”

  “Makes complete sense.” Terri looked over at the older sunburned couple and then back at Kate. “I have an ex-husband as well as an ex-wife. Turns out I’m really good at marrying people and pretty terrible at everything else. But I understand not being sure of what you want. And needing some time to figure it out.

  “Before I met my ex-wife,” she continued, “I thought I was straight. Then I realized how wrong I was about that. But it was confusing because I still was attracted to my husband.” Terri paused. “Sometimes you connect with certain people and it’s impossible to say why, but your whole view of yourself changes in that moment.”

  Kate thought of Mo again. It wasn’t impossible to say why she connected with her. But sometimes she wished that connection wasn’t so strong. “Thanks for telling me that you’ve been with men. I know a lot of people won’t date someone who’s bi. It’s nice not to worry about that.”

  “This morning on the boat Mo mentioned something about you being bi. She said it in a way that…well…made me think you didn’t get a whole lot of support from her.”

  For the first time since they’d sat down. Kate felt self-conscious. Terri was waiting for her to say something. She picked up her napkin and then set it down again. Terri reached across the table, palm upturned.

  Kate felt tears press at her eyes, but she clenched her teeth to stop then. She reached across the table and clasped Terri’s hand. There was no bolt of electricity, but holding hands felt good. “I don’t need Mo’s support on this. I got it.”