All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “I think I’ll keep my day job. My therapist always looks exhausted.”

  “So does mine.” Kate laughed. “I’m sorry you got tangled up in being my counselor after you asked me out.”

  “I made a new friend.” Terri smiled. “No regrets.”

  As soon as Terri settled in at the Canadian’s table, Kate decided to go find Mo. She headed out of the club, practicing what she’d say to Mo in her head. “I know you’re with Chantal but you’re always with someone…”

  She jogged down the stairs and bumped straight into Mo as she turned the corner. Mo had been leaning against the building, but she’d quickly reached out a hand to catch her mid-stumble.

  “Sorry. This was a dumb place to stop. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I ran straight into you. Are you okay?”

  Mo nodded but Kate noticed her eyes were red. There were no tears on her cheeks, but it was obvious she’d been crying.

  “Sorry I was gone so long. I got distracted.” She jutted her chin upward and Kate followed her gaze to the star-filled sky. It was a gorgeous clear night and a thousand stars shone above them. “You don’t see stars like that in San Francisco. Reminds me of the skies we saw in Hawaii.”

  Hawaii. Kate thought of the night she’d tried kissing Mo. The pain of that mistake hadn’t ever really gone away. Mo had a girlfriend then, just like now—she didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

  “Did you talk to Chantal?”

  Mo shook her head. She looked down at her phone. “I was going to call her but then I got to thinking…”

  Kate wished that Mo was thinking about the dancing instead of Chantal, but she had no business wanting that. Mo was in a relationship, even if it was rocky.

  “Do you want to go for a walk? We could talk about it.” When Mo didn’t answer, Kate pushed on. “We can pretend we are out here looking at stars, but we both know this is about Chantal. You look like you’ve been crying. It’s okay to admit you’re hurting, Mo.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You know that you can drop the tough butch act with me, right? You don’t need to pretend you’re fine when clearly you’re not.” Kate saw Mo’s jaw clench and knew she’d said the wrong thing. “All I’m saying is that I won’t judge if you cry. How many times have you seen me cry?”

  “I don’t feel like crying. Everything’s just complicated and I’m tired of thinking.” Mo sighed. “Why aren’t you with Terri?”

  “It’s complicated,” Kate returned.

  “A walk sounds like a good idea. Beach?”

  Kate nodded. She couldn’t bring herself to ask what Mo meant by complicated. As much as she wanted this to be about her, if it wasn’t she didn’t want to know. Terri’s words echoed in her mind. But she couldn’t simply tell Mo that she wanted to be with her.

  With every step the dance music got quieter and the ocean swells became more distinct. They passed one of the swimming pools, still dotted with swimmers lounging on the steps or floating on rafts with drinks in hand, and then crossed in front of the pool bar busy with patrons chatting in voices made overloud from alcohol. When they reached the end of the path, they both stopped to slip off their shoes.

  The sand was cool against Kate’s feet and she shivered with the breeze. She stole a look over at Mo, wishing she would say something first, and then noticed her furrowed brow. Mo was clearly in her own head and Kate knew a heart-to-heart conversation wouldn’t be happening. “Story of my life,” she said.

  “What’s that?” Mo looked over at her.

  “Nothing. I was thinking out loud…” Kate’s heart beat fast as she decided to go for the truth, even as her mind threw out all the reasons why that was a bad idea. “I said: story of my life.”

  “I thought that’s what I heard. What’s the story of your life?”

  “I make excuses. Give myself an easy way out so I don’t have to do the hard thing I know I need to do…and then I regret it later.”

  Mo kept her gaze on the water, but she slowed her pace the further they went. “I do that too. It’s usually with conversations. Like you don’t want to tell someone something that you know you need to tell them but then you regret it when they give you a pass.”

  She stopped to look up at the sky and then looked back at Kate. She held her gaze for too long. That, Kate wanted to say, was what had started her in this whole mess in the first place. From the beginning, Mo had a way of looking at her as if she could see right into her soul. And Kate had felt safe with her looking.

  She trusted Mo more than anyone else. But there was something Mo was clearly holding back from her now. Well, she was holding something back as well. She couldn’t exactly call Mo out.

  Kate realized she was holding her breath when Mo turned and started walking again. The sound of the water’s soft hiss as the waves lapped the shore seemed louder than her thoughts, and she tried to focus on that instead of all the questions spinning round.

  Mo glanced over at her. “What’s the conversation you don’t want to have with me?”

  “I want to have the conversation,” Kate said. “But if I do…it changes everything.”

  “Sometimes change is a good thing.”

  If only Mo would simply guess what she wanted to say—or tell her that she wasn’t alone in her feelings. With the way Mo had danced with her, it wasn’t possible that she could feel nothing. They kept walking and when Mo didn’t try to start any conversation, Kate began to doubt her hopes.

  During the day, the resort employees set up lounge chairs in front of the water, but at night it was only a stretch of smooth dark sand. When they reached the hammock where Kate had spent the afternoon, Mo veered over to it. She pressed her weight on it, testing it with her hands and then turned and sat down, letting the hammock swing her feet off the sand.

  Kate watched the hammock for a moment, gathering her courage. “I liked dancing with you tonight. Sometimes I wish that what I feel when I’m with you…” Her voice trailed. Could she really go through with this? If she followed Terri’s advice, she could ruin everything. But if she didn’t say anything… She lost her courage as soon as Mo met her gaze. Scrambling for a way to finish she said, “I wish life was all salsa dancing.”

  “No one’s depressed when they’re salsa dancing,” Mo said, echoing her words from earlier that day.

  “And there’s no what-ifs. All you can think about is the music and your next step.”

  Mo nudged her toe into the sand, swinging the hammock again. “You were having such a good time with Terri when I got there I wasn’t sure if I should stay.”

  “I’m glad you stayed.”

  “Terri’s right. You’re an amazing dancer. It’s like you’re a different person out there—you let go.”

  She did feel different when she danced. She was sure of herself and confident in her body. Unfortunately that feeling didn’t last.

  “So what went wrong?”

  “What do you mean?” Kate stalled.

  “You spent most of the dance class with me and then you left Terri at the club. I thought things were going well after your taco date.”

  “Terri’s sweet. I like her a lot.” Did Mo want the truth? Was she ready to admit it? “But I don’t think I’m in the right space to date her. Probably I should just stick to dancing.”

  “Maybe I should too. All the fun without the drama.” Mo’s tone was light, but Kate wondered what she was covering up. “You should sign up for a competition like Terri said. You’re really good…”

  “We could do it together. You’ve gotten a lot better than when you used to stomp on my feet in those dorm dances.”

  “I’ve had a lot of practice,” Mo said. “And some people stomp back—in heels. You gotta be quick.”

  Kate smiled at Mo’s attempt to lighten the mood. She tried not to think about all the women Mo had wooed in those practice sessions. Anyone who danced with Mo would fall for her.

  “I nee
d to ask you a favor,” Kate said. She surprised herself by voicing her thoughts aloud and felt unsure she wanted to go on as soon as Mo’s gaze met hers.

  “You know I’d do anything for you. Do we need to move a dead body?”

  Kate shook her head. “You’re terrible, Mo.” But even as they joked, goose bumps prickled her skin. Mo probably didn’t mean anything grand by her statement. It was only the simple truth. Mo would do anything for her. But there was a limit to what she could ask.

  “I know everything with Chantal is getting to you. If I were in your shoes, it’d be getting to me too.” Kate took a deep breath. “I hope for your sake that she isn’t sleeping with her boss. Really I do. And if she’s been loyal to you and she makes you happy then that’s what I want for you.”

  “But?”

  “But mostly I wish…” The words stalled. She couldn’t finish the sentence aloud. In her mind, she’d said it more than once: I wish you could be happy with me and that I could be enough. And if her past had been different, would they be together? “I need you to tell me if this is one-sided.”

  “What do you mean?” Mo’s eyes were still on her, but her phone was ringing. The sound slowly broke through Kate’s other thoughts, and she realized it was probably Chantal. She felt sick, wishing she hadn’t said anything.

  “You can answer that.”

  “Hold on. I’ll turn it off.” Mo reached into her pocket for her phone, took one look at the screen, and then stopped.

  “It’s Chantal, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, but she can wait.” The phone rang again and still she didn’t answer, but she didn’t send the call to voice mail either.

  “Answer it. It’s gotta be the middle of the night in London. It might be an emergency.”

  “She gets up early to workout,” Mo said. “She probably just read my texts. I think it’s close to six a.m. It’s almost midnight here. What do you mean by ‘one-sided’?”

  The phone rang again.

  “We can talk later.” What was she thinking anyway? That she’d tell Mo that she’d had a thing for her all these years and then Mo would make some wild declaration of her love? Mo was still technically with Chantal. Besides that, she’d had sixteen years to tell her she was madly in love with her and it hadn’t happened. No, she’d only make a fool of herself if she said anything more. “You don’t want her call going to voice mail. You two need to talk. I’ll see you back at the room.”

  Before Mo could answer, Kate turned and headed back the way they’d come. She walked twice as fast, hardly seeing the sand in front of her feet, let alone the water, and berating herself for opening her mouth. Tears streamed down her cheeks. As soon as she reached the cement path, she broke into a run.

  It was at least an hour before Kate heard the click of the door. She didn’t move, watching Mo enter in the shadowy light. The bathroom door opened and closed and then the light went on. Kate stared at the strip of light at the bottom of the door, listening to Mo brush her teeth and then the sound of the toilet flushing. The strip of light disappeared, and Kate closed her eyes. She held her breath as Mo climbed into bed, hoping the mattress wouldn’t give away her racing heartbeat.

  “You’re still up?” Mo asked softly.

  “I was waiting for you to get back,” Kate admitted. “Everything okay with you and Chantal?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t ask her if she was sleeping with her boss. When I texted her, I just said that I missed her. She’d gone to bed early and was calling back to talk…but she knew it was late so we decided to finish the conversation tomorrow.”

  “Maybe she just went to London for work. Maybe you’re reading too much into all of this.”

  “Maybe.” Mo sighed. After a moment, she touched Kate’s arm with a light fingertip. “What about you and me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are we okay? I know we weren’t done talking…”

  “It’s fine. We can talk later.” Kate didn’t dare roll over. She clutched the sheet, wishing she’d fallen asleep already. Seconds ticked by and Mo’s hand slid off Kate’s arm, taking the warmth with it.

  “Good night,” Mo said.

  The sound of Mo rolling over made her stomach clench. Who was she kidding? She’d missed her chance long ago.

  Chapter Ten

  Kate woke in the early morning light. She changed into her running shorts and a jog bra and then quietly slipped out of the room. Mo was still softly snoring, but Kate didn’t chance a look at her. Her head was still a mess from last night.

  The sky was streaked with pink and the distant sun was only an orange glow at the edge of the horizon. She started down the path, taking slow lunging steps to stretch her muscles. As soon as she reached the sand, she spotted Reed and raised her hand.

  “You’re up early. Going for a run?” Reed was in running shorts as well.

  Kate nodded. “Looks like you’re a morning person too.”

  “Yep. Julia and the kids are still sound asleep. All that swimming tuckered them out.”

  “I don’t remember Julia being much of a morning person anyway.”

  “Not so much. Is Mo?”

  “If morning starts after nine, yes.”

  Reed laughed, but Kate suddenly couldn’t manage even a smile. She clenched her jaw, hoping the tears would hold off. She was being ridiculous—she couldn’t break down simply talking about Mo.

  “Can I run with you?”

  Reed touched the watch on her wrist, setting a timer. “I’d love the company.”

  As long as a conversation about Mo wasn’t part of it, Kate wanted the company too. She’d spent too long last night feeling sorry for herself that she was alone—she had friends. “How far do you usually run?”

  “I was thinking of going for five.”

  Five was more than Kate usually ran, but there was nothing like a hard run to shake a bad mood. “Let’s do it.”

  Reed started off, heading northward and keeping to the dark, hard-packed sand. The tide was out and aside from the seashells that dotted the beach, the terrain was perfect.

  After about a mile, they cleared the manicured resort properties and the island took on a wilder look. The sandy path narrowed and thickly vined trees encroached. Kate thought about the night Mo had stopped her from walking on the beach alone and the game of Ping-Pong that followed. She pushed forward, wanting to outrace her thoughts.

  Reed stayed at her side but after a few minutes started to slow. “You’re working on a six-minute mile. My knees can’t keep up, but go for it if you can.”

  “My shoulder’s burning,” Kate admitted, slowing her pace to match Reed’s stride. “I just needed to get some stuff out of my head.”

  “I get it.” Reed touched her watch again. “Three miles to go.”

  By the time she got back to the resort, Kate was too tired to think. She eyed the water, wishing she could dive in. Her back and arms were coated in sweat and she didn’t want to show up at Mo’s bungalow stinking and red as a lobster. Of course she also had other reasons for avoiding Mo.

  Reed noticed her looking at the water. She nodded toward it. “If I’m lucky, that’s where I’ll be spending the rest of today.”

  “What’s the other option?”

  “Julia wants to go into town to do some sightseeing, but the kids want to spend the day in the pool. They love that slide and the swinging bridge.”

  Kate thought of her plans. Today was the day she and Mo were supposed to explore the island on a scooter, but she wasn’t sure she was up for that anymore. Getting out of it, however, would require an explanation that she didn’t want to give. And the truth was, she was still looking forward to being alone with her even though the circumstances might be strained.

  “But first I need breakfast,” Reed said. “That’s the real reason I’m a morning person. I’m thinking waffles.”

  “I love waffles.” While that was true, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually eaten one. Waffles were on the
list of foods that triggered her—she remembered too many times when she’d eaten a whole box of Eggos only to take care of it later. But maybe after a hard run she could manage a few bites. “See you at the buffet table.”

  Mo wasn’t in bed by the time Kate returned from the run. The sheets were tousled and Kate knew neither of them had slept well—Mo because she was thinking of Chantal and Kate because she was thinking of Mo.

  Grateful for a moment alone, she showered and changed into a clean pair of capris and a tank top. After she’d combed her hair, she decided on a little makeup to bolster her confidence but then changed her mind before she had the eyeliner out. What was the point?

  With her stomach begging for breakfast, she turned away from the mirror and searched for her phone and the room key. She’d missed a few texts from Mo: Meet me in the lobby at ten for scooter ride. And then: Chantal is calling at nine. I may finally ask her.

  Good luck, Kate texted. See you at ten.

  Depending on what Chantal said, Mo would need a friend more than anything else today. Kate resolved to focus on that. Her stomach growled again, and she tossed the phone into her purse along with a bottle of water, sunscreen, and her wallet. At the last minute, she went back to the bathroom and found her eyeliner. She added lip gloss and contemplated her motives. Regardless of how last night had ended, it didn’t hurt to look good.

  “Where’s your waffle?” Reed pointed to Kate’s plate.

  She’d skipped the waffles after all and went for plain yogurt and granola along with a plate of mango and berries. “I decided to go for something light. I’m not sure how my stomach is going to be on a scooter with Mo driving.” It was a good excuse anyway.

  “Mo will take it easy with you,” Julia said. “Where is she?”

  “She wanted to call her girlfriend.” Kate hoped she sounded nonchalant. “Where’s Terri?”

  “She likes sleeping in,” Carly said.

  “One time she slept in until noon,” Bryn added. “She can do that because she doesn’t have kids.”

  “Is that what she told you?” Reed asked.