All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  Carly and Bryn nodded in unison. Carly added, “And she eats dessert for breakfast because she’s a grown-up.”

  Kate felt a moment of envy imagining Terri still soundly sleeping. If only she could actually relax on this vacation. Sleeping in wasn’t something she’d ever been good at, but it definitely wasn’t happening with Mo lying next to her.

  “Aunt Mo has dessert whenever she wants,” Bryn said. “When I’m a grown-up, I’m gonna be like her.”

  “And eat dessert all the time?” Reed guessed.

  “And I’m gonna work on computers so I can eat candy at work,” Bryn added. “Mo says she can eat M&Ms all day—they have bowls all over the place.”

  “Hey, Aunt Kate,” Carly said. “Knock-knock.”

  Kate was definitely not in the mood for a joke, but she forced a smile.

  “Now you’re in for it,” Julia said. “Carly and Bryn were on my phone this morning. They’ve memorized about ten knock-knock jokes just for you.”

  “Lucky me,” Kate said. But when she looked back at Carly, her smile was genuine. Probably she needed this distraction more than Carly knew. “Who’s there?”

  Despite Carly and Bryn’s attempts, the jokes didn’t hold her attention for long. Her thoughts kept returning to the looming scooter ride. Why had she said yes? Every time she considered wrapping her arms around Mo and speeding down the highway, she felt an uncomfortable mix of excitement and guilt.

  “Make sure Mo wears her helmet,” Julia said.

  Everyone was standing up, the breakfast plates cleared. “You know I will.”

  “And try to relax.” Julia patted Kate’s shoulder. “You’re allowed to have fun, you know. Even if she has a girlfriend.”

  Before Kate could respond, the kids scooted past arguing loudly about the best way to go down a tunnel slide.

  “I better catch them before they wake up the entire resort.” Julia waved over her shoulder.

  Reed scanned the table and then ducked her head under it, clearly checking to make sure her group hadn’t left anything behind. She snagged a toy troll from under Carly’s chair and then paused in front of Kate. “Mo was telling me all about her plan yesterday. I know she’s excited about spending the day with you. Don’t worry. Whatever you were thinking about on this morning’s run, it’ll work out. I know it.”

  Kate wondered what Julia had told Reed. Or maybe Reed had guessed. At one point, she’d been better at hiding her feelings toward Mo. Now she couldn’t seem to hold anything in, but she had to spend the rest of the day doing exactly that.

  After Reed left, Kate made a sweep past the breakfast pastries and picked out Mo’s favorite—a frosted cinnamon roll. If she’d skipped breakfast, the conversation with Chantal must not have gone well. Maybe sugar would help.

  The lobby was nearly empty and Kate glanced over at the concierge’s desk. Luis wasn’t there. She sighed. She’d planned on asking if any rooms had unexpectedly come available. Managing three more nights before the promised oceanfront suite wasn’t going to be a picnic.

  As soon as she walked outside, the valet approached.

  “Oh, no car.” She wished she felt brave enough to use her Spanish. It was one thing understanding the actors in her favorite telenovelas and another actually talking to someone. “I’m waiting for someone,” she added.

  Kate took out her phone to check the time and noticed she’d missed several messages from Mo in the last half hour.

  Mo’s first text: Not sure I’m up for a scooter ride today.

  Then: Found out that I can cancel the rental. Unless I hear from you, I think we should try a different day.

  Mo’s last text had been sent twenty minutes later: Cancelled the scooter. I can’t today.

  “Can’t what?” Kate said aloud. She didn’t want to text Mo back—she wanted to talk in person—but she typed a reply anyway: Just got this. Sorry I didn’t respond earlier.

  Her finger hovered over the screen as she debated saying more. Had Mo broken up with Chantal? As much as she wanted to ask, she felt the pain of knowing that Mo had asked for time alone—not her company. She sighed and tossed the cinnamon roll in the trash can by the valet.

  “What a gorgeous day!” Julia said, suddenly stepping out of the lobby. “You and Mo are going to have so much fun on a scooter ride. Where is she?”

  Kate felt tears press at her eyes. She quickly rubbed them away. “I thought you were spending the day at the pool. Change of plans?”

  “Reed convinced me to take a quick trip downtown to do some shopping. I think she knew I was ready for a break from that kid pool.”

  Kate tried smiling back, but she could tell from the change in Julia’s expression that the attempt fell flat. “Want some company?”

  “What about the scooter ride?”

  She let out the breath she’d been holding. Some of the tension went with it, but the impulse to cry was still there. “Mo cancelled.”

  “Mo never cancels on anything,” Julia said. “Is she sick?”

  “No…it’s her girlfriend. She didn’t tell me what happened exactly, but she wants some time alone.”

  “That’s not like Mo. We should go find her.”

  Kate shook her head. “I don’t think she wants that.”

  Julia studied her for a long moment and then the next thing Kate knew, she was pulling her into a hug. Kate melted into Julia’s embrace. She squeezed her eyes, keeping the tears for later.

  A car pulled up to the curb and Kate straightened up. She cleared her throat. “I don’t know why I’m standing here trying not to cry. I’m not even the one having relationship issues.”

  “You can tell yourself that,” Julia said. “But I know the truth.”

  Kate didn’t argue. Julia was her rock. Always steady, always there. But Julia didn’t need her dissolving into a blubbering mess in the middle of her vacation. “So, can I crash your shopping trip?”

  The taxi dropped them off in a plaza not far from the ferry building. Most of the shops there likely had sprung up to cater to passengers from cruise liners, but the narrow streets winding away from the central plaza had a more authentic small-town Mexican feel.

  Kate followed Julia around like a puppy dog for the first hour, happy that she didn’t have to make any decisions about where they were going. They wandered into a half dozen jewelry shops before Julia found a necklace that caught her eye. Reed, she insisted, wouldn’t like anything flashy. The piece she picked was a turquoise pedant on a silver chain. Kate couldn’t see what set this one apart from the others. The windows of all the jewelry shops they’d passed were filled with turquoise and silver in every shape and design.

  “Can you see the waterfall?” Julia asked, holding the teardrop pendant up for Kate’s inspection.

  “Oh, that’s really pretty,” Kate said, struck as much by the stone’s simple beauty as by the fact that she’d missed the copper-colored threads coursing through the center. The threads clearly formed a waterfall design in the blue-green background. “It’s perfect for her.”

  “I think so too,” Julia said. “But she’s terrible to shop for. She’s always saying that she doesn’t need anything and I never know if I’m getting her something she’ll even like. Meanwhile she can walk into any store and find something I’d love.”

  Kate squeezed Julia’s shoulder. “You’re easy. That’s why we all love you.”

  Julia sighed. “Do you really think she’d like it?”

  “I know she would. Besides, the twins’ birthdays are in December, right?”

  Julia nodded.

  “Then turquoise is their birthstone.”

  That sealed the deal. Julia picked out a sleek silver chain to go along with the pendant and then went to haggle with the shop’s owner over the price. Kate knew that Julia would buy that particular pendant at any price, but for her the negotiating was part of the fun. Kate’s gaze roved over the pendants and earrings. She wasn’t looking for a new piece of jewelry for herself although her mother’s
birthday was coming up.

  “See anything you like?”

  Kate had stopped in front of a gold necklace. An intricate gold key formed a link in the center of the chain and her thoughts went right to Mo. She swallowed and looked over at Julia. “I was thinking of picking up something for my mom.”

  Julia bit her lip, examining the necklace that Kate had clearly been eyeing. “I don’t think this is your mom’s type. She’s a little more…flamboyant.” Julia pointed to a bracelet that was in a case above the table. Dark blue sapphire squares were interspersed with princess cut diamonds on a white gold bracelet.

  “You’re right. My mom would love that.” Kate could even picture the dress Eileen would wear to go with the bracelet.

  “Want me to get you a good price?”

  The glint in Julia’s eye made it impossible to say no. “Go for it. If it’s close to a thousand I’ll take it.”

  Negotiations took longer this time, and the shopkeeper insisted on bringing out his calculator to show Julia the price she was asking converted from dollars to pesos. After five minutes, Kate had pointed to the necklace with the key and announced that she’d pay full price for that if she got a deal on the bracelet. The shopkeeper’s face lit up at the offer and Julia sighed in defeat.

  They left the shop with the jewelry securely tucked away in Kate’s purse and then wandered through a few more stores before deciding to stop for sodas. Julia kept giving Kate sideways glances and it was clear a question was coming, but she didn’t say anything until they were sitting on one of the benches facing the pavilion enjoying their orange Fantas.

  “Your mom is going to love that bracelet,” Julia said, motioning to Kate’s purse. “But now you’re going to have to tell me why you bought that little necklace.”

  A cool breeze came up off the water. If not for that and the shade from the trees lining the square, the day would have been a scorcher. The cool drink still hit the spot. Kate took another sip as she stared at the trimmed lawn.

  “Remember how Mo used to wear our dorm key on a string around her neck?”

  “I’d forgotten about that.” Julia smiled.

  “Do you remember that night Mo got us to go out after curfew so we could see the stars over the Golden Gate?”

  Julia nodded. “’Cause it was finally a clear night. She was right—it was beautiful.”

  “I’ve thought about that night too many times.”

  “Why too many times?”

  Kate wondered how to answer. “There’s no point regretting what you didn’t do.”

  Julia’s eyebrow raised, but she only turned back to her drink and took a long sip. After a moment she said, “It was always so cold and foggy, but that night was perfect.”

  “And none of us had jackets. Or pockets.”

  “That’s right! That’s why she’d put the key in her shoe. And then she thought she’d lost the key and neither of us had brought ours.” Julia laughed. “What a mess that was.”

  That was also the night that Kate had nearly told Mo she liked her. Julia had gone to bang on the residence assistant’s window. No one had brought a phone and they were stuck outside two hours after curfew. As soon as Julia had gone, Mo started to apologize about losing the key and messing everything up. She’d been worried about getting them in trouble since the whole escapade was her idea. But then Kate admitted that it was one of the best nights of her life and she didn’t care what happened next. Before she could say more, Julia came around the corner, complaining about the RA, and a second later the main door to the dorms swung open.

  “And then when we all went to bed Mo found the key where she’d hidden it in her shoe,” Julia added.

  From then on, Mo had kept the key on a little string on her neck. Kate loved to see the flash of bronze against Mo’s skin and for the rest of their freshman year, the key was a reminder of that night.

  “True story: I thought you two were going to kiss when I left to find that RA. Mo kept looking at you like…like she couldn’t look at you enough. I was always jealous of how you two connected.” Julia set her hand on Kate’s knee. “What happened after you and Ethan broke up? I thought for sure you two would finally hook up.”

  “I thought so too. We were hanging out all the time and I kept thinking she was going to turn to me and say something. But I think she was still reeling from Tanya and I kept doubting that she was really interested—and doubting that I’d be enough for her if we actually dated.” Kate paused. “Then next thing I knew she was with Chantal.” It still stung that Mo had said nothing about Chantal until she’d mentioned spending the night at her house. “I should have told her how I felt, but I guess I was hoping she’d say something first.”

  “She didn’t know if you really wanted her.”

  Kate thought of what Terri had said the night before. How could Mo possibly not know? “At this point it doesn’t matter. The truth is, I have too many issues. It wouldn’t have worked.”

  Julia reached over and clasped Kate’s hand. “If you keep hiding behind that excuse, you’re going to lose her. You need to tell Mo what your issues are and let her decide.”

  Kate fought the urge to pull her hand back. Julia was trying to help. She knew that. She wished she could have a normal conversation, wished she could tell Julia honestly why she was a disaster and why Mo would never want her if she knew everything, but she couldn’t.

  “You keep waiting for her to say something. But she’s waiting for you. Until you open up to her, you’re not moving past friendship.”

  “Mo’s not waiting for me—she’s been serially dating since college. And what am I supposed to do? Wait until she breaks up with Chantal and then ask her out on a date? We can’t start from zero like a normal relationship.”

  “Why not? Maybe you need to.”

  “You don’t understand. Even if Mo and I had just met, my issues would still be a problem. I’m not what Mo needs.”

  “Maybe your issues aren’t as bad as you think,” Julia said. After a long minute she looked over at Kate’s purse. “I think the necklace is perfect. She’s going to love it.”

  Kate felt a fresh wave of guilt. Why had she even bought the necklace? She was kidding herself if the answer was anything to do with friendship.

  “Something happened that shouldn’t have been a big deal.” She felt a lump in her throat but pushed on. “It shouldn’t have affected me the way it did anyway… And it led to all these other things that I should have been able to stop, but I couldn’t. I’ve tried to get past it and be normal, but I couldn’t. I can’t.”

  Julia squeezed Kate’s hand. “Whatever happened, you know I won’t judge.”

  “I know. And by now I should be able to talk about it.”

  “Well, I don’t think it would change how Mo feels about you,” Julia said. “But not telling her…”

  Kate’s phone buzzed with a text. She didn’t look over at her phone, but she knew it was Mo. Earlier, she would have jumped to check the text.

  “That’s probably Mo,” Julia said. “She can’t handle too much alone time.”

  Kate reached for her purse and fished out the phone. She read Mo’s text: Sorry about this morning. Didn’t really sleep and knew I wouldn’t be safe on the road. Broke up with Chantal.

  Did that mean that Chantal had slept with her boss? Mo was going to be a mess if that was the case.

  “Is she okay?”

  Kate held the phone out for Julia to read the message. After a moment, Julia clicked her tongue. “I can’t say I’m surprised. Mo was with her almost long enough for it to be serious.”

  Mo used to joke that she was allergic to anniversaries. “She was worried that Chantal was cheating on her, but I think that was only part of it. It’s like she picks women who she knows will be short-term.”

  “Hmm. Any ideas why that might be?” Julia asked, her voice tinged with sarcasm.

  “What do you mean?”

  “She’s been holding out for you for the past sixteen yea
rs.” Julia stood up. “Come on. She’s gonna need some cheering up.”

  Part of her hoped that Julia was right and an equal part wanted to argue that she couldn’t be blamed for sixteen years of failed relationships. “I don’t think Mo’s relationship issues are my fault. And not that it matters now, but I don’t think she ever told Chantal we were sharing a bed.”

  “She told her. I know because after she got off the phone with Chantal, Mo called me. She felt guilty telling Chantal that rooming with you was no big deal when clearly it was.”

  Kate looked down at her phone. “I wish I hadn’t put her in that position.”

  “Mo put herself in that position. She asked you to share her bed.” Julia paused. “Look, Mo’s not perfect. And the choices she makes aren’t your fault. That she can’t get over you is also not your fault. But that you haven’t told her why you won’t date her even though you’re clearly in love with her…”

  Was she to blame? She thought of Mo lying next to her in bed last night and of the ache in her chest when Mo had turned away. Her body had barely resisted the urge to comfort her then. And what had Mo felt?

  Kate tried not to overthink her response to Mo’s text even with Julia’s words ringing in her ears. I’m sorry about Chantal. Want to meet for lunch to talk?

  Julia looked over Kate’s arm and read the text she’d sent. “If she’s not ready to really talk—about you and her—give her a few days. But then you have to tell her how you feel. She thinks she already tried with you and Mo’s too proud to ask twice.”

  “She never asked. There was one time…but it was only a joke.” Kate thought back to the night she’d considered breaking up with Ethan. Mo had promised then that if Kate needed a backup plan, she was planning on being a spinster and wouldn’t mind a roommate. It was silly and certainly no proposal, and yet Mo’s words had given her the courage she’d needed to call off the wedding. She considered now everything that Mo had said that night and wondered if any of it was meant as more than a joke.

  “I know that you don’t want to, but you need to open up. Mo has spent her whole life taking risks. She’s an out black lesbian. She’s tough, but it’s not like it’s easy being in those shoes. For this she needs you to take the risk.”