All the Reasons I Need

by Jaime Clevenger

  “A little.” Mo met Kate’s gaze. “Especially when you rub your butt cheeks against me.” Mo’s smile hid whatever her real emotion was, and she shook her hips playfully.

  Kate handed back the water glass. She pulled the covers down on her side of the bed and got in, trying to ignore the fact that Mo held back. Mo switched off the light and then climbed in on the other side. She settled her arm over Kate’s, kissing her shoulder.

  “Can you roll over?” Mo asked gently.

  When Kate did, ready to argue that she wasn’t up for talking, Mo kissed her lips. A soft whimper escaped Kate’s throat. What Mo’s lips did to her wasn’t fair.

  “I don’t want to be fighting,” Mo said.

  “We’re not fighting. I’m just a mess. And I don’t want to be, but—”

  Mo stopped her apology with another kiss. When she pulled back, she said, “I don’t want to ever fight. I know you’re upset and right now you feel like sex is going to fix this and maybe it would fix something but…I need you to give us some time. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “If I were any other woman that you’ve dated, we’d be having sex tonight, wouldn’t we?”

  Mo didn’t answer.

  “I’ll take that as a yes.” Kate pushed away from Mo. “I don’t want you to have to pick between hot sex and a relationship with me. I know that you want both. You deserve both. And I know I’m not going to be enough for you.”

  “You’re pretty smart,” Mo said softly. “But you don’t know everything.”

  Kate stopped herself from arguing. She wanted to be wrong this time—more than ever. Her eyes watered, and she turned on her back, quickly wiping the tears away. She’d told herself that she was done crying.

  Mo shifted close and kissed her cheek. “It’s your turn to get some sleep. You let me sleep on the plane. This time I’ll stay up and watch out for monsters.”

  Kate closed her eyes. She didn’t want to sleep. She wanted to take off her clothes and beg Mo to fuck her. If only she could say those words aloud.

  Chapter Twenty

  Kate had been certain that she wouldn’t fall asleep and yet she woke up the next morning with the groggy feeling of having slept too long. She rubbed her eyes and sat up in bed wondering what day it was. Peeves was missing from his pink bed and Mo was gone as well. The smell of coffee awakened her nose. Mo made the best coffee. She insisted on a little French press and brewed only one cup at a time. Although she’d teased Mo about how long it took her to make a cup of coffee, she’d always loved the sounds of the grinder and the amazing aroma that followed.

  “Morning,” Mo said, peeking into the room. “I hope I wasn’t too noisy. You were sleeping so soundly.”

  Kate stretched and then ran her hand through her hair, guessing that it was a mess. Mo leaned against the doorway, carefully studying Kate. She was wearing one of the button-down shirts she’d gotten in the airport in Amsterdam along with the new dark blue jeans and looked as if she’d already showered. Standing there, she seemed oblivious to how good-looking she was. Sexy didn’t cut it.

  “What is it?” Mo cocked her head. “You’ve got this look on your face…”

  “You’re hot—that’s all.” Kate pushed away the thought that Mo would get plenty of looks from other women in that outfit. “Please tell me there’s coffee and that amazing smell isn’t a figment of my imagination.”

  “There’s coffee. I also made you breakfast.” Mo walked over to the bed. She sat down on the edge. “I’m sorry about last night. I feel like I screwed up.”

  “You didn’t screw up. It was all me. Again.” Kate wasn’t ready for a heavy conversation first thing, but she could tell Mo had been thinking. Before Mo could say anything more, Kate said, “I don’t have any food. How’d you make breakfast?”

  “Peeves and I went shopping. Your fridge was too clean.” Mo grinned. “I took your big purse that Peeves can sit in. Fortunately I didn’t see anyone I knew. I stayed away from Safeway. Figured the gas station minimart was safer. And then we made a stop at that new little coffee shop across from Murdoch’s. I wanted to buy some coffee beans, but Peeves growled at the barista and I got some serious looks from everyone else in the place.”

  “I don’t know if those looks were because he was growling or because you had a dog in a purse.”

  “Are you saying I’m not the usual demographic that has a purse dog?”

  “Something like that.” Kate smiled, knowing that Mo was baiting her. “But I would have loved to have seen it anyway.” It was hard to imagine Mo carrying a purse at all, let alone the big Armani bag she always used when she took Peeves to the store.

  “I have to admit, it was nice not to have my wallet jammed in my pocket.”

  “You could carry a clutch,” Kate suggested.

  “A clutch? Like one of those little purses that don’t even fit your phone? Yeah. Right.”

  “Some people think they’re sexy,” Kate returned. “I have a couple you could try.”

  Mo turned to show off her profile and then struck a pouty pose worthy of a runway model, pretending to hold a tiny purse. She broke role and chuckled. “I’d rather have that duffle bag with Peeves inside it.”

  “I bet Peeves was in heaven.”

  Hearing his name, Peeves bolted into the room and hopped on the bed. He circled around three times, excitedly licking first Mo’s hand and then Kate’s before plopping down between them. Kate leaned forward and rubbed his head. “I missed you, little booger.” He promptly rolled on his back to show off his belly. “Mo had to fill in as my protector.”

  “I need to work on my growl.”

  “You were perfect, actually. Maybe too perfect.” Kate gave Peeves one more pet and then swung her legs off the bed and stood up. “What time is it? I feel like I slept forever.”

  “Almost noon. What do you mean by too perfect?”

  Kate ignored the question. “Is it Friday?” She went to the bathroom and half closed the door enough to have some privacy but still to hear Mo’s voice.

  “Saturday.” Mo paused. “Are you going to ask what our plans are for the day?”

  Kate finished peeing and then went over to the sink. Her hair was tousled but didn’t look nearly as bad as she’d worried it would. She rinsed with mouthwash after combing her fingers through her hair and then poked her head out of the bathroom. Mo had shifted on the bed and was stretched across it, lying on her belly and petting Peeves.

  “You’re not going back to Chantal’s?”

  “I thought maybe I’d wait ’til later. My mom wants us to come over. She wanted to plan dinner, but I told her to hold off until I talked to you… How would you feel if I tell her about us?”

  Kate met Mo’s gaze. “Don’t you think it’s a little soon?”

  “Yesterday you wanted me to move in. Telling my mom is a baby step compared to that.”

  “Telling your mom is not a baby step. It’s a big deal.”

  “Not compared to living together.”

  “We lived together before,” Kate returned.

  “It’d be different this time. We’d be sleeping in the same bed.” Mo got up. “Look, I know you don’t want me to stay at Chantal’s, but you know nothing’s going to happen, right? You can trust me.”

  “Of course I trust you,” Kate argued. “That isn’t the point.”

  “Then why is it a problem? I’m only staying there for a few weeks until I find another place.”

  Mo was always loyal. Kate knew that much. She was no cheater. But Kate didn’t want to imagine what would happen if Chantal tried to win Mo back. It would only be natural for Mo to start comparing them. And there were other things too.

  “Is Chantal good in bed?”

  “Don’t go there.”

  “Why not? I think it’s a reasonable question…I know sex is important to you. You said you’d never last in a relationship if good sex wasn’t part of it. And you’d rather be with someone who lets you be in charge, right?” Kate paused. When M
o didn’t answer, she said, “What’s your definition of good sex?”

  “I’m fine with what we’ve done in bed. We’re taking it slow and—”

  “You’re not fine. You’re settling.” Kate shook her head. Mo’s answer only made her feel worse. “I know you’d rather be with a real lesbian… Someone who knows what they’re doing. And you’d probably rather be with someone who’s not white.”

  “What are you talking about?” Mo’s voice raised. “You know me better than that. I don’t care what color skin you have. I can’t believe you’d even say that.”

  “I just know you could be with someone that would be easier—in so many ways.” Kate’s voice cracked. “Dammit, Mo. Why are we even doing this?”

  “Because I like you. And I thought you liked me.” Mo cussed under her breath. She looked at the door as if wondering if she should leave, but she didn’t move except to make a fist and then release it. A long minute passed, and when Mo spoke again, her tone had softened: “I never said I’d rather be with a real lesbian. And I’ve dated plenty of women who were white. And Black. And Asian. And Latina. Why would you even go there?”

  “And all of them were probably a hell of a lot less complicated than me.”

  “You’re right. They were,” Mo shot back. It was obvious that her patience was gone. “But am I still with any of them?”

  “Maybe you should be. Maybe you should be with Chantal.”

  “This is fucking bullshit. You’re scared of being in a relationship with me? Fine. Say it.”

  “That’s not it.” Kate felt a wave of nausea. She couldn’t still sweep all of this under the carpet with a few words. It was past a simple apology. But Mo had insinuated all of those things in the past. At the time, Kate had only been a friend, of course, and none of it had been directed at her. But it didn’t make it less true.

  “Then what are you trying to do?” Mo clenched her jaw. “I don’t want to fight. And I don’t know where you got all of that crap in your head, but it isn’t true.”

  “You told me that lesbians were easier.”

  “When did I say that?”

  “You were dating Julia’s friend from work. Maddie. You’d only gone on a couple of dates…” Kate didn’t want to go on, but she couldn’t stop. She had to get all of it out. “When you broke it off, I asked you why. You said dating women was just a thing she wanted to try out. And that you were tired of being someone’s learning curve.”

  Mo exhaled. “Well, I shouldn’t have said that. But Maddie isn’t you. And neither is Chantal. And I don’t even know why we’re talking about them. I’m not bringing up Ethan, am I? Or the other guys you’ve dated. I’m not asking if I’ll be enough for you or if you’re going to change your mind and go back to men.”

  Why had she started this argument? Couldn’t she simply pretend that everything was fine? But what good would come from going back to pretending?

  “Who we’ve dated before isn’t the point,” Mo continued. “I feel different when I’m with you—I can be me and you love me the way I am. You understand me in ways no one else does. I don’t have to pretend anything. This time everything’s different.”

  “Everything’s different… For one, I’m a hell of a lot more complicated than the other women.”

  “I can handle you being complicated.” Mo held Kate’s gaze for a long moment. “I’m sorry if I said things to make you think I wouldn’t want to be with you. But I don’t care that you’re white. And I don’t care that you like guys too. All that matters is that you like me.”

  Maybe that was all she needed now, but how long would that hold? Kate fought the impulse to tell Mo that it wasn’t worth it. There were so many reasons why Kate wouldn’t be enough for her.

  “I want you. Only you. If you don’t want this, tell me. But don’t make it about something else.” Mo paused. “Maybe you need some time after everything in Amsterdam…”

  “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I do need some time,” Kate said, her voice breaking. “I just think you’re going to realize—”

  “Realize what?” Mo interrupted. “That I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Too late. I already figured that out.”

  Kate looked at the bed, the sheets disheveled, and then over at Mo. “What happens when I’m not enough?”

  Mo crossed the room. She stopped a foot away from Kate. “What I’ve had with other women I’ve dated could never compare to what we have. And you know I’m not the type of person to walk out. But if you keep pushing because you don’t really want this…”

  “I want you to be happy.” Tears welled, but she clenched her teeth and kept them at bay. She wasn’t enough for Mo. She knew that.

  Mo stepped forward and took her hand. “I love you. If you aren’t in love with me, say it.”

  Kate swallowed. She couldn’t say it. She’d been in love with Mo since forever. But that wasn’t the point. She could control everything in her life. Except this. And maybe that meant this wasn’t supposed to be. She pulled her hand back and Mo’s face fell.

  Mo waited another minute, as if holding out hope that Kate would change her mind. Finally she said, “This week’s been crazy. For both of us… Give me a call when you’re ready to talk.”

  Peeves whined as Mo left the room. He looked up at Kate but didn’t budge from the bed. Somehow he knew he couldn’t follow her. Still his eyes seemed to beg Kate to do something to fix this. Kate murmured an apology to him. That was all she could do. She didn’t seem to be able to move. After a long minute, the front door opened and closed.

  The sound of the lock clicking into place sucked all the air from the room. Kate crumpled on the bed. Peeves ran over to her, anxiously licking her hands. She expected the tears to finally fall, but she was too empty and numb to cry.

  “Your human sucks,” she said. “You should go live with Mo instead.”

  Peeves only whined again in response.

  Minutes passed and Kate couldn’t convince herself to get up. She knew she needed to eat, but she didn’t want food. All she wanted was Mo. The image of Mo, standing on the doorstep of her father’s apartment in Amsterdam wearing the necklace she’d given her suddenly pushed into her mind. Mo hadn’t taken the necklace off.

  After a half hour chewing herself out and repeating her list of flaws, she reached for her phone.

  “I screwed up,” she said as soon as Julia answered. The tears streamed down her cheeks then.

  “Mo’s been texting me nonstop,” Julia said.

  “What’d she say?”

  Julia sighed. “She’s venting. You don’t really want to hear everything she said. Mostly it’s been a list of the ways that she screwed up, however. Not you.”

  “She didn’t screw up anything. It was all me.” Kate choked back a sob. “Shit.”

  “It’s bad enough that you’re cursing?”

  Kate pulled her knees up to her chest as she sat up. She wiped away her tears. Julia and Mo always joked that hell would freeze over before Kate took up swearing. She didn’t care if other people swore, but she still heard her mom’s reprimand anytime a cuss slipped out. Was she still her mother’s daughter? Scared to cuss? Unwilling to take risks? Needing someone to protect her even as she fiercely denied it?

  “Mo probably hates me right now.”

  “She doesn’t hate you. Why don’t you just call her and tell her you’re sorry?”

  “I need to say that in person. Besides I can’t talk to her over the phone right now.”

  Julia sighed again. “Why do I feel like we’re back in college?”

  “Do you have Chantal’s address?” Kate said, suddenly getting out of bed as her plan formulated. “I don’t even know her last name.”

  “Chantal Boyd, I think… Hold on a minute.” Julia hollered for Reed. Kate could hear her asking and then a moment later, she came back on the line. “Reed says we sent her a Christmas card. She’s pulling up the Excel worksheet she made with everyone’s addresses. I love my sexy nerd.”
/>   “Sexy nerds are the best.” Kate sniffed. She shouldn’t have let Mo walk out upset. How many times did she have to screw things up?

  “Tell me about it.” Julia chuckled. “You really think you should show up at Chantal’s without calling her first?”

  “I don’t think Mo would leave here and go have sex with Chantal.” As the words tumbled out, Kate realized the possibility. “Do you think she would?”

  “No… I just thought you might want to give her warning that you were coming.”

  “I can’t talk to her without seeing her face.” Kate slipped out of her pajamas in the bathroom and started the shower. If she was going after Mo, she didn’t intend to do it with greasy hair.

  “Reed found it. I’m going to text you this, okay?”

  “Perfect. And, Julia, can you not tell her that you talked to me?”

  “Got it. Lips are sealed. Good luck, sweetie.” Julia paused. “For the record, as bad as this may seem right now…I know Mo’s hoping you fix this.”

  “Me too.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  After a quick shower, Kate changed into a clean pair of leggings and a light pink blouse that dipped low enough to be indecent if she leaned forward. The outfit hugged her curves and made her feel sexy, especially when she paired it with her favorite boots. Once she’d finished with her makeup, she worked on her hair, deciding after too much thought to pull it back instead of leaving it down. She added a pair of hoop earrings Mo had given her compliments on and went to check the finished product in the full-length mirror on the back of her bedroom door. She stared at her reflection. This time looking good wasn’t enough. Mo was either going to accept her apology or not.

  She passed the kitchen where Mo had set up their breakfast, ignoring how her stomach clenched at the sight of the cinnamon rolls she’d left. She pulled up directions to the address Julia had sent and tugged her jacket off the hook.

  One step out the front door and she spotted Mo. She was in the stairwell, sitting on the first step with her head in her hands. When she heard the door, she looked up.