Maltese Vulture Murder

by Leslie Langtry

"You can't arrest me." I shook my head. "I didn't do anything wrong, and you're not a cop." I pointed at the two men. "They can arrest me, if they think I'm behind her kidnapping." I looked at both men. "Do you?"

  For the briefest moment, the two law enforcement officers looked at each other, but then they turned back to me and shook their heads. I'd have to talk to Rex later about that minor hesitation.

  "Will someone please explain where my daughter is?" The mayor slammed his hand down on the desk once more.

  Rex stepped forward. "I believe this is tied to the recent murder."

  "A murderer has my baby?" Tammi shrieked before she fainted.

  The mayor made no move to help her, so I ran over and gently lifted her onto a bench in the back of the room.

  "Two," I said as I rejoined the three men. "They'd been seen in town prior to the murder."

  "By whom?" the mayor demanded.

  "By me," I said.

  "You are off the case!" he shouted, sounding very much like the Queen of Hearts ordering the removal of someone's head.

  "I was never on the case," I grumbled.

  "Mrs. Ferguson"—the sheriff gave me a look—"if you have any information at all…"

  I shook my head. "I don't. But I know what they want."

  Ten minutes later, Officer Kevin Dooley was standing next to me, not eating, but his shirt was liberally littered with cookie crumbs—enough to make a dozen cookies—and Nellie Lou, still wrapped in plastic, was sitting on the sheriff's desk. Rex had sent Dooley to fetch it, something I was extremely irritated about, considering I had a hidden stash of Girl Scout cookies in the same area of the attic. And those crumbs looked a lot like they came from peanut butter sandwich cookies. The same cookies I'd hidden.

  "This is what they want in exchange for my daughter?" He poked the bird sharply.

  "Hey! That's mine!" I said.

  He stopped and shook his head. "Not anymore. This now belongs to Mr. Sun and Mr. Moon so that they will bring my daughter back."

  He had a point. Man, this guy was awful. Thank God I'd voted for Snuffy the basset hound.

  The mayor started to open the plastic when, for reasons I didn't fully understand, I stopped him. "It's laced with LSD."

  Bill Jones stopped and stared at me. "Are you serious?"

  I nodded.

  "LSD? How can you possibly know that?" he sneered.

  "Because I've been dosed with it before. And I know that the trip I had the other night was the same substance. It might be some other variant of hallucinogen, but it had the same effect."

  "Is it drugs they're after?" Carnack asked, looking at the bird with renewed interest.

  "I should have you arrested," the mayor said, "for bringing drugs into this peaceful, law-abiding community!"

  "I didn't bring drugs in! Rex's sisters gave the bird to me." Oops. Way to throw your sisters-in-law under the bus, Merry. Well, maybe there was a silver lining and Ronni would go to prison for coating the bird with drugs.

  "No one knew about the LSD," Rex soothed. "We're still trying to figure it out."

  "What about a ransom?" Carnack asked.

  Tammi sat straight up. "Oh my God! I have to go home and wait by the phone for when they call!" She looked at her husband. "And you need to go back to your office to see if they call there!"

  Then she ran out the door.

  The mayor hesitated, possibly considering ways to have me shot or at least publicly stoned. But after a few seconds, without a word, he too turned and left.

  I plunked down in a chair. "I can't believe this is happening."

  "That poor little girl." Carnack shook his head.

  "Well," I said, "obviously you don't know her, or you'd feel sorry for the kidnappers."

  Rex spoke up. "They won't call the mayor, will they? It's the bird they want. From you."

  I nodded. "Yeah, but I don't know where my cell phone is. Which is weird because I never lose that."

  Kelly came striding into the building, holding out my phone. "The girls have all been picked up. By the way, you left this. And it's been ringing. A lot."

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Kelly was right. There had been thirty-six calls in the last half hour, all listed as Unknown. Rex tried calling it back, but no one answered. I'd need to hold on to it until the next time Sun and Moon called. I wasn't entirely sure how they got the number, but they could hack it easily enough. Betty'd hacked into the CIA and Israeli Mossad directories multiple times.

  I filled Kelly in while Rex and Carnack called in all of their officers for a search party. A few deputies were already at the park, searching, while Kevin and Rex drove through town, looking for a yellow pickup truck.

  "We can't even have a picnic without you causing an international incident." She sighed.

  "It's not international," I grumped.

  "Well, Betty and Lauren are telling everyone it is."

  Great.

  "Why did you come running toward me? In the woods," Kelly asked.

  "Oh. Well, I threw the little guy at the big guy and took off because the big guy had a gun."

  Most people would ask for a bit more clarification. Kelly did not.

  I stared hard at my cell, willing it to ring, but it didn't. These idiots had called more than thirty times, and all of the sudden they'd stopped? That didn't make any sense. They had a bratty little kid who was probably telling them how she's the equivalent of Chelsea Clinton and letting them have it. Anyone would want to make the exchange just to get it over with.

  Rex and Carnack were busy on their phones, and my gaze slid over to Nellie Lou. What was so special about her?

  "Can I borrow some latex gloves?" I asked the sheriff, who kept talking on the phone but pointed to a box on top of a filing cabinet.

  Kelly followed me, snapping on a pair herself. Together, we removed the plastic and set the vulture on it. It occurred to me that I hadn't really studied the raptor. I'd been so happy to get her, I didn't take the time to really look her over.

  She was in good shape for a bird who'd been stuffed ten years ago. And she was a gift to Norbert Bingley, the dead cop from my garage who'd faked his own death. Wow, that was a mindful to think about.

  Bingley had come here to steal back Nellie Lou. I was sure of it. And she was what Sun and Moon wanted too. Had they been working together? Were they rivals? Had they killed Bingley? If so, was it because they wanted Nellie Lou for themselves?

  No, I had to believe they were rivals. Bingley most likely on his own and the other two on theirs. No, not on their own. Those clowns worked for somebody. They couldn't put a decent disguise together, let alone formulate a plot.

  And I was convinced they had Poopsie the Penguin and had taken the animals from the twins' shop. But who were they doing it for? Who wanted Nellie Lou? This was tied to Norbert Bingley, and I hadn't had time to research him to find out what his story was.

  "I wonder," Kelly mused as she gently poked and prodded the bird.

  "What are you doing?" I asked.

  "Remember that movie, The Maltese Falcon?"

  "The old one?" I thought about this. "It was a bird statue covered in jewels, right?"

  Kelly nodded, prodding a bit more vigorously.

  "You think Nellie Lou is hiding valuable jewels? The penguins in the shop had on expensive necklaces. Where could they be on Nellie?" I asked.

  "Maybe the twins can answer that?" Kelly said quietly. "I could mess with her all day, but whatever it is, it's hidden very well. I'd hate to tear her apart."

  "Hey! That's my dead vulture you're talking about!"

  "Which is why," she whispered, "we should go see Randi and Ronni."

  "Now?" I looked around, but the men were still engaged. "Okay."

  I tapped my husband on the sleeve. "I'm going to run and see if Tammi needs anything. It's the least I can do." I put on my saddest face.

  I really was concerned for the kid, but I was fairly certain that Sun and Moon would keep her alive in order to get the
bird.

  Rex waved me off. Very carefully, we wrapped up Nellie Lou and snuck her out to my van.

  "Maybe we shouldn't take her. Shouldn't we have left her at the station?"

  "So she'll be safer?"

  "So they have her to exchange for Delaney."

  Oh, right. I guess I should've thought of that. "Rex can call me if he wants her. But we need her so Randi can show us if there's a secret compartment."

  "Okay. As long as we can get her back to them if they get a ransom call."

  I agreed to this but wasn't sure how quickly we could follow through. What if she needed to be taken apart like a puzzle? Could we get her back together again quickly? Maybe just her head unscrewed. That would be easier. As long as the loot wasn't in her butt. That would be wrong.

  Were they after jewels, or was it something else? Top secret plans? Photos of a politician engaged in bad behavior? Tickets to the Super Bowl? A lost Harry Potter manuscript? Whatever it was, Sun and Moon had kidnapped a child for it. Must be something huge.

  Kelly held the bird as I drove the five minutes to Ferguson Taxidermy. I was just parking the car when two girls popped up in my rearview mirror, causing me to jump the curb and drive over a small garden.

  "Hi!" Betty smiled. "Lauren and me thought you could use some backup."

  Kelly chastised them, "We don't need ten-year-olds for backup. You girls should be home."

  "You do so need us!" Betty protested. She reached for something on the floor behind my seat. "I brought a flamethrower!"

  She handed it over, and I studied it. Metal pipes with holes in the end, connected to a gas can.

  "How do you know this will work?" I asked.

  Betty switched it on, and a small blue flame came out of the end. "I got some of the idea from Sophie. But the rest is all me."

  "Leave it in the van," Kelly warned. "And switch it off."

  Betty grumbled as we got out of the car. Lauren was bouncing around. She loved this place. That girl was my main animal lover—which was weird since all of these animals were dead by dubious means and stuffed in humiliating ways.

  The two girls were into the macabre. Little girls are ghouls, in case you didn't know. They start out obsessed with baby animals and, somewhere around third grade, become obsessed with dead ones. It took a lot to make them squeamish.

  As we approached the store, we could see that the flower bed looked like a hurricane had run over it after an earthquake, followed by a heard of folk dancing elephants.

  "What are we doing?" Lauren asked as she followed us up onto the porch.

  Kelly and I looked at each other, unsure whether or not to drag the girls inside. On the one hand, taking them inside would keep them away from the flamethrower in my van. On the other, I wasn't sure I wanted them rampaging inside the shop or trying to take Nellie Lou apart. Eventually, I came up with a solution.

  "Something top secret," I said. "And we need you guys to be on the lookout for the two guys who kidnapped Delaney."

  Their faces fell as if they felt they were being left out of something big.

  "Those two men are armed and dangerous, and I think they are heading here as we speak!" I added.

  That worked. Betty and Lauren jerked to attention and even saluted me. I grabbed Kelly by the arm and guided her to the front door.

  "Do you really think they're on their way here?" Kelly whispered, looking over her shoulder at the two girls who were busy discussing using the porch furniture for traps. Betty was explaining to Lauren what being drawn and quartered meant.

  "I think Mr. Sun and Mr. Moon are in big trouble if they come here."

  The door's bell rang, announcing our arrival, and Randi hurried out to greet us with a huge grin that fell the moment she spotted Nellie Lou wrapped in plastic.

  "You don't want to return her, do you?" She seemed disappointed.

  "NO RETURNS – NO REFUNDS!" Ronni shouted from the back room.

  "I'm not returning it!" I shouted back. And refunds were out of the questions since this was a gift.

  Randi's smile returned. "Great! So, what's up?"

  I led her to a large table in what used to be the dining room of the old Victorian—the first house in Who's There and owned by the people who originally settled the town. In fact, one of them had been killed by an axe inches away from where we stood. I'd solved that murder last summer. This was my favorite room in the whole house.

  Randi went to unwrap it, and I stopped her, explaining that I thought the bird had been spiked with hallucinogens.

  She slapped her forehead. "Goodness! That explains why I kept seeing leprechauns in the basement! I even saw all of these creations come alive! And they weren't too happy with me for their poses, either."

  I glanced around and spotted two hyenas dressed in dinosaur costumes and a whole team of hamsters re-enacting the tea party from Alice in Wonderland. Yeah, I could see why they weren't happy.

  Kelly asked, "Did Ronni experience hallucinations too? Maybe you should both go get checked out."

  Randi shook her head. "Oh no. Nothing like that ever affects her. Drugs, alcohol, nothing. She has an iron constitution."

  Drugs?

  "It's not illegal if it's medicinal! Mind your own business!" Ronni shouted from the other room.

  "So, you didn't know anything about that?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

  "Not a thing. Sorry!" Randi said.

  "That's not why we're here anyway," Kelly said. "We wanted to know if there's a secret compartment in the bird."

  Randi tilted her head to one side. "I don't think so, but then again, it was ten years ago. And our clients have asked for some strange things over the years. Like the gentleman who ordered a stuffed bison where the hump folded down into a desk. Or the lady who wanted fifty stuffed goldfinches hollowed out so she could fill them with explosives." My sister-in-law smiled at us as if this was a perfectly normal thing to do.

  "Let's see what we have, shall we?" She started to pull off the paper, then remembered that the bird was drugged. She ran out of the room, returning with three pairs of rubber gloves.

  Nellie Lou stared at us under her large wingspan. I felt a little sorry for her. The poor vulture had no idea of the crazy life she'd have in the afterlife. Or maybe she'd like it. It was hard to tell, with her being dead and all.

  Randi ran her hands over the animal's feet, then went up to the wings, caressing each one in return. Finally, she studied the body. Her hands explored the bird's girth a few times, but she came away without any answers.

  "I can't find anything, but maybe Ronni knows?" She called for her sister.

  There was no answer. No insults or demands to go away. Randi shouted a little louder, but once again, no answer. Then the petite woman walked into the back. A few seconds later, she returned, looking puzzled.

  "The car is still here, but I can't find her anywhere. She never does that!"

  While her twin rarely thought badly of her sister, I was suspicious. I think Ronni knew the jig was up and didn't want to answer. What was she up to?

  "Is there any paperwork?" I asked. "Like an order form? Wouldn't the request be there?"

  Randi brightened. "Of course! I'll check that out. It may take a while because our filing system is a tad quirky. Special requests don't go in the ledger."

  "Quirky" was like calling the Jell-O wrestling alligators on our right normal.

  "And I'll find Ronni sooner or later and ask her." She patted me on the arm. "Do you want to leave Nellie Lou here?"

  I thought about it. "Better not. Some dangerous people are looking for her."

  "And she's the ransom in a kidnapping case," Kelly added.

  If that surprised the woman, she didn't show it. "Okay. I'll let you know when I have the invoice."

  "Thanks!" I gave her a quick hug and took my bird.

  "I was thinking," Kelly said as we walked out. "I should check in with Riley. Do you think it's possible he knows something about this?"

  I s
hrugged as we approached the girls and froze in our tracks.

  The front porch was completely covered with outdoor furniture, legs sticking out like a wicker hedgehog. I counted twenty-two chairs and tables in all, with an opening only wide enough for one person to enter.

  Lauren and Betty were armed with pitchforks. The tines were on fire.

  "Where did you get those?" I asked as I gently confiscated them and blew them out.

  "The shed out back." Betty shrugged. "They have fifteen of them. We were about to drive them into the ground as spikes."

  Why did the twins have fifteen pitchforks?

  "And the chairs?" I asked. "There were only two out here when we arrived."

  Lauren and Betty grinned.

  "You swiped them from the other houses and businesses, didn't you?"

  "We are not answering on the grounds because we might intimidate ourselves." Betty folded her arms over her chest.

  Kelly automatically said, "Incriminate yourselves."

  Betty shrugged. "That's what I said.

  "Well, while I admire your ingenuity, we have to put everything back."

  Kelly returned the pitchforks and I took down the chairs while the two girls grudgingly returned them.

  "You do know that's theft," I admonished.

  "I know." Betty nodded. "But you work with what you've got, and like you said, we were in a dangerous situation."

  Kelly pointed at me and nodded in agreement.

  "Fine. I'll have to explain it a little better next time."

  The girls' eyebrows shot up.

  "Next time?" Lauren said hopefully. "You'll need us to protect you again, soon?"

  "It's a good idea, with all the trouble you get into." Betty cracked her knuckles. "Good security isn't cheap, you know. We expect one hundred dollars an hour."

  "And dental," Lauren added.

  "I'm not hiring you guys, and don't you think that's a little steep? I don't think bodyguards make that much."

  "It's more in line with C-list celebrities." Betty nodded. "But it's fair."

  "Get in the car," I said. "I'm dropping Kelly off at the station and then will drive you back home."

  The whole way back, I grinned like an idiot. These girls thought I was on par with C-list celebrities! It kind of made my day.