She nodded. “She’s due to be discharged today. The doctors ran a lot of tests. She was very dehydrated and there was concern about the baby’s heartbeat being unsteady but it all looks normal now, except the child’s as big as a six-month fetus, not a four-month one.”
He nodded. He knew why.
“Want to see a photo of your son?”
He frowned. Beth held up the ultrasound photo. He stared at it for a long time.
“Dad? Going catatonic on me?”
“I’m not sure I believe it.”
She held his hand, smiling. Her face took on that faraway look, the one that signaled she was talking telepathically. To Alec, he guessed.
He tried to speak again but his voice was scratchy. She gave him a glass of water. He drank, feeling the cool of the water as it went down his throat. He asked her about her client in Charlton City. She filled him in, mind to mind. It was a unique experience, as she provided not just a narrative but images and emotions that went with it.
She thought he’d like Al, but he suspected he’d find more in common with Noir, the damaged one.
“You did good work there,” he said out loud.
“I hope so. They did more for each other than I did for them.”
The curtain next to his bed was pushed aside and Del stood there.
He blinked to make sure she was real.
She smiled, and the words that he’d been planning to say vanished. She sat down next to him and took his hand. She brushed something wet from his cheek.
“I’m sorry, Hawk. I nearly got you killed.”
He frowned. “Genet kidnapped you.”
“I meant with Cheshire.”
“Ah.”
She leaned over and kissed his lips.
“You tried to save him. It was worth a try.”
“Not if this is the result,” she whispered.
Behind her, Beth moved toward the door, giving them some privacy.
“It was the right thing.” That Cheshire had shot him didn’t matter. That he’d reached the point where he could give Cheshire a second chance, that mattered. That meant he could change. He didn’t have to be a killer.
“How is the baby? Is he growing normally?”
“Our son is fine. Alec told me they finally found Cheshire’s back-ups in his home, buried inside his stereo equipment. Once we find a doctor we can trust, they’ll have the right information in case of any complications.”
“Good.” A long pause. “Stay with me.”
She lay down beside him. He sighed happily. “Now what?” he asked.
“Whatever you want, Hawk,” she answered. “Whatever you want.”
Gabe drove her home the next day. She liked his company. His quiet was soothing rather than painful. But as they turned off Interstate 80, he finally spoke.
“So Drake’s coming to stay with you once he’s cleared to leave the hospital?”
She nodded. “Absolutely.”
“You love him.”
“Absolutely.” She didn’t even need to think on it. If Lily had loved Hawk like a friend, Del, her adult self, loved him an entirely different way. Now if they could just manage to live together.
“Um, do you know about his problem?” Gabe asked.
“The problem where he kills people who even look funny at me?”
Gabe snorted. “Nah, not that one. I’m talking about his thing for pain. I figure you must know, given all that blood in the room when you two, uh, talked.”
“You’re very polite, Gabe. Yeah, I know.” Hawk had been open with her about it just before Genet’s goons had grabbed them. They hadn’t had a chance since then to sort it out, with the whole almost-dying thing, but it worried her. How could their relationship be a two-way street if he couldn’t get going without pain? Because she was done beating on him.
“So how do you know? I doubt he told you.” What was between Hawk and this guy?
“I caught him smashing up mirrors the night he brought you in. It wasn’t too hard to figure out.” They stopped at a red light.
Del noted he’d taken the long way around, the route that avoided the Ledgewood Circle. “Ah.”
“I recognized the signs. I used to go with a guy like that.” He sighed. “Not the easiest thing in the world, but we found ways to make it work. Thought you might need some tips or something.”
She looked out the window, glad for the familiar sights, even of the local strip mall. “Like Hawk, I’m not good at asking for advice, but you’re right, I’ve never had to deal with anything like this. He’ll do whatever I need but…”
“But you don’t like hitting him.”
“Damn straight. Since you brought it up, does this mean you have a solution?”
“Depends. How open are you?”
Del sat back, her hands over her baby bump. They’d gone past the strip malls and were firmly in a residential area now. Soon, they’d hit one of the roads that snaked around Lake Hopatcong. Overhead, the leaves were turning brilliant oranges and red. She could tell Gabe she’d figure it out on her own, but he seemed to want to help. He was reaching out.
Trust her instincts. Now that she knew she was a little bit psychic, there was even more reason to do that.
“I worked clubs in New York City for years. I’m not innocent. I’m open to a point. No other partners, though. I can’t handle that, even if it’s just a dominatrix. Besides, Hawk likes pain, but I’m damn sure he doesn’t like being bound or tied up. So what does that leave?”
“More than you think,” Gabe replied. “There are what’s called passive restraints. Wrist cuffs or collars with spikes or even just uncomfortable materials sewn on the inside, so they cut, scrape or bruise. They cause pain or discomfort without the partner having to do anything.”
“Oh.”
“And there are brushes with harsh bristles, too. Even cock rings, if you want to try those. All that means no hitting, so you don’t feel like you’re beating on someone. Because that’s the tough part, like you said.”
“Gabe?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re kinda disproving the whole tech-nerds-are-socially-maladjusted myth.”
He laughed as they made the turn onto the road that led to Bar & Grill.
“So how does one get this stuff?”
“I can get you some. I know a guy.”
“Everyone knows a guy in New Jersey.” They turned onto the driveway to Bar & Grill. Home. Home. “It’s what I love about it.”
Philip pulled the Charger into Bar & Grill, debating with himself, as he had the entire drive, if he should have agreed to move in with Del. Protect her, yes. Watch over the child and help her get through the pregnancy, of course. Live with her? He’d never lived with anyone, not really. Only as a cover.
He left his headlights on. They cut through the darkness and over the water. He’d timed his arrival until after closing time, so he could talk to Del alone. He’d had offers to drive him out. His makeshift family still seemed to think he was too frail. But physically, he was fine.
He turned off the headlights and got out of the car. The front door to Bar & Grill opened and Del stood silhouetted in the light from the bar.
So beautiful. And yet, he knew that might not be enough in the bedroom. It didn’t matter. As long as he could satisfy her, it should be all right.
“Hawk?”
“Here.”
He walked to her.
“I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” she said.
“I’ll always come if you ask.”
“Somehow, I think it’s more complicated than that.”
She closed and locked the bar door while he sorted out if that was a double entendre or not. It reminded him that no matter how well he knew Lily, he barely knew Del at all. The locks, at least, were comforting. The Phoenix Institute team had installed some very sophisticated security in and around Bar & Grill. Just in case.
Del slid her arms around his waist and kissed him. He sighed, and peace descend
ed.
“I’ve got a surprise for you.”
“I’m not here to cause you extra effort.”
She punched his shoulder. “Just shut up, Martyr Boy, and follow me.”
He stared at her ass as they walked up the narrow steps to her apartment. Idly, he wondered if her breasts would swell further from the pregnancy. They were already a nice shape. He concentrated on that. Maybe he could get truly aroused without pain, if it was Del.
They went inside. It was his first glimpse of her home. He approved. Neat, clean but lived-in. It felt permanent, even to the slightly tattered couch.
“Couch looks comfortable enough,” he said.
“Did you even bring a suitcase with you?”
“I have toiletries and essentials in the trunk of the Charger.”
“But you left them there in case this didn’t work out beyond tonight.”
Lily had always been blunt. Del apparently was too. “Yes.”
She disappeared to her bedroom and returned with a cardboard box. “I want you to know two things. One, you’re not sleeping on the couch.”
“I see.” He opened the box. He’d thought maybe she’d bought him clothes. He certainly didn’t expect—
“Where the hell did you get these, uh, toys?”
“I know a guy.” She hugged him from behind. “And here’s the second thing you need to know. Pregnancy has this nice side effect. And I don’t intend to do something about it all by myself.”
He pulled out a black leather wrist cuff with sharp spikes on the inside. Between Del holding him and the thought of how those spikes would dig into his skin, he was already hard. “This could get messy.”
She laughed, grabbed the cuff from him and started to buckle it around his wrist. “Hell, when have we not been messy?”
Epilogue
Hawk didn’t want to take the last few steps up those rickety stairs to the rusted-out trailer. In the background, he heard guards pacing the prison yard and the vague sounds of laughter and squeaks coming from the other trailers used for family visits at the prison.
“If you don’t start walking again, I’m going to push you through the door. Either that or I’m so round now that I’ll lose hold of this railing and roll back down the steps.”
“I’m scared,” he admitted.
“You came this far to see her and pulled so many strings to get permission. You’re not walking out of it now, Hawk. You have to try.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Yes, you do. That’s the fear talking. When have you been afraid of anything?”
“I’m afraid of everything to do with my family. What’s my mother going to think, after all these years?” She might very well hate him. She might be filled with bitterness at a life spent in prison because she’d taken responsibility for what he’d done. She might be so angry that she’d never heard from him over the years that she wouldn’t talk to him at all.
“Who knows?” Del said with a deep sigh. “But you’ll have honesty and truth for once. If she hates you, well, that’s some sort of closure too. Time we faced it all.”
He grunted. Truth and honesty. He still wasn’t sure what those were. But Del seemed sure.
“I love you,” he said.
“Love you too.”
He put his hand on the doorknob, turned it, and stepped inside the open door.
The woman inside was so small she was almost wizened. She sat, all pulled into herself, on the stained couch, wary, as if she’d been afraid of who might be coming through this door. As afraid, he guessed, as he was. He probably should’ve made sure she’d been told who was coming, but he’d worried that he’d not follow through at the last minute.
Her hair had gone completely gray. Her arms were thin, but he saw stringy muscles through her sleeves. Her face had more wrinkles but her high cheekbones, courtesy of her Native American mother, were more pronounced than ever. She had a scar on her lower cheek from where his stepfather had smashed her on the night all their lives had been shattered.
His mother stood to face them, frowning, her shoulders set. She stood straight and she didn’t flinch from eye contact. He realized that whatever changes had been wrought in all the years since that night, somehow, she wasn’t broken.
In fact, she seemed stronger than when he’d been a child. She’d been afraid of her own shadow, then.
“I don’t…”
Her voice was soft, quiet, confused but not angry. She didn’t recognize them, which made some sense, as he should look older than he appeared. And he’d not recognized Del when they met again. She’d grown into something different than her child-self, so why shouldn’t his mother be confused?
His mother blinked, twice. He wanted to speak but his lips seemed glued together and his throat closed up. Even if he could talk, what should he say?
Her gaze shifted from him to Del and to her obviously pregnant belly. Any day now, the doctors said.
His mother’s eyes widened and her face transformed. Her wrinkles seemed less prominent, her eyes more awake, and her body somehow radiated energy.
“Lily?” She shook her head and blinked again. “Hawk?” She covered her mouth with trembling hands. “Oh, God,” she muttered. “My God.”
“Hello, Mom,” he whispered in a voice barely audible. “How are you?”
Tears burst from her eyes, along with a cry of joy from her throat. It broke his paralysis and opened the dam of memories he’d kept long shuttered away. When it was just his mom, he’d felt loved.
He rushed forward and hugged her. She hugged him back so tight that it felt like a vise grip, her hands digging bony fingers in his shoulders. “Hawk, Hawk, Hawk…” She said his name over and over again, and the tears kept flowing. It wasn’t until she raised her blotchy face from his chest that he realized his own face was tearstained too.
She put her hands on either side of his face. “You came to see me.” She sniffled. “You wanted to see me. Dear God, I prayed for this day. I never thought I’d see it.”
“I should have come before. I owed you that.”
“You owe me nothing. You would have been perfectly right to never forgive me.”
She tried to pull out of the hug, but he wouldn’t let her. He wasn’t sure he’d believe this was real unless he kept hold of her.
“I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re alive. I never knew what happened to you, I couldn’t find out anything about you, ever.”
“I changed my name,” he said.
“Good.” She pulled away from him, wary again. “What brings you here now?”
“I wanted…” He looked away. “I wanted to see how you were. To see if you’d changed.” Or if he had.
“Change? I don’t know. I like to think so, but I’m not the best judge of that. And even if I had, I would never expect you to forget or forgive what I was and what I did to you.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” he said, voice thick. “But maybe I’m old enough now to move forward.”
She nodded and sat back down. He sat beside her. Lily handed her a wad of tissues, her own eyes wet with tears.
“It is you, isn’t it, Lily? Dear God, you of all people shouldn’t forgive me.”
“I won’t carry hate, not anymore. I spent too many years letting it tear me up. Bad for the baby. Bad for the future,” Del said.
“Is it…are you…are you together?”
He took a deep breath. “Just recently, but yes.”
“Praise God.” She put her head in her hands again, hyperventilating. Del sat down next to her and held her. His mother kept murmuring something over and over, but he couldn’t tell what it was. A prayer, he thought. Her prison records said she’d found religion. But records sometimes lied. He tried to speak, but his tongue was too thick, his chest so tight that even breathing was an effort.
“God is good.” His mother laid her head back against the couch pillows. “I should die now.” She took another tissue from Del. She blew her nose. “Becaus
e I’ll never have a better moment.”
“You will,” he said.
Del nodded, giving permission, anticipating what he’d say. “We thought we might come visit again, after the baby’s born. The three of us. If you want,” he said.
Her spine stiffened and she straightened. “Oh, that’s something to live for, Hawk. Something to hope for.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Thank you. I don’t deserve it.”
“We all need to get past who deserves what. I found my biological father. That rearranged my ideas somewhat on who should have done what and when. It takes two to screw up. You at least stayed around for me.”
“That wasn’t the right thing. I ended up exposing you to someone far worse. I was a terrible parent. I know it. I ask God’s forgiveness every day for it.” She looked at the floorboards. “I still lived in foolishness when I first came here. I told myself that I’d done the best I could for my son and for my little goddaughter. I told myself that I’d just been caught in a bad situation, that I had to stay in it for a lot of reasons. I told myself a lot of tales so I wouldn’t have to face the truth, which is that I’d been a selfish, horrible mother who failed her son.”
That was all true, he supposed. He’d just never expected her to say it. “When my stepfather wasn’t around, we did stuff together.” He’d forgotten that in his anger and pain. He’d forgotten the hikes, the swimming lessons in the creek, sitting on the couch, reading together. He had them back now.
She smiled. “Key point there. When your stepfather wasn’t around. Whatever good I did, he piled on more bad. I was afraid of him. You see, you were my one ray of light in that whole existence. I told myself that I couldn’t run, that he’d find me if I did, hurt us both, especially since I also had to hide from the authorities after that first bombing. And maybe that’s true. But after a lot of therapy—they offer therapy here, did you know that?—I realized that what I was afraid of was that they’d take you from me, Hawk. That I’d be all alone. So I kept you close by, knowing how you were suffering because I was selfish.”
“I…appreciate you telling me that.”
Phoenix Legacy Page 25
