by Noelle Adams
“Would you do something different now?” The question was soft and urgent.
“I don’t know.” She swallowed over a surge of emotion so it wouldn’t reflect in her voice. “I really don’t know.”
It obviously wasn’t the answer he wanted. His shoulders slumped slightly.
She went on, “I don’t know what you want me to say, Robert. I did the best I could. Everyone in my family was telling me it would be a mistake. That I would regret it. And I didn’t want to be in a marriage that wouldn’t let me be the person I wanted to be, just like you wouldn’t have considered a marriage that required you to be less than who you are. It was a hard situation—for both of us—but I did the best I could.”
“I know you did.” His voice was even thicker now. He still wasn’t meeting her eyes. “But I loved you.”
“I loved you too.”
He opened his mouth and closed it again without speaking.
And she knew something for sure then.
He didn’t believe her.
He thought she hadn’t loved him.
She stopped walking abruptly. “I did love you, Robert. Don’t you dare doubt that.”
He finally turned to meet her eyes. His were deep, torn. “I don’t doubt it. All I doubt is that you loved me as much as I loved you.”
She was suddenly so angry she forgot about the pain in her heart. “I did! Why did I have to sacrifice everything to prove my love, when it never occurred to you to do the same?”
“You never gave me the choice.” Resentment flashed in his eyes and tightened in his jaw. “You let your family push you around, and you ended things between us without considering any other options. If you’d had any backbone at all, maybe we could have—”
“Screw you, Robert,” she interrupted, forgetting that she wanted to settle things between them or maybe even act like friends. “Having a backbone doesn’t mean being responsible for every sacrificial gesture in a relationship. Would you have not gone into the Navy if I had asked you?”
He froze, staring down at her like he’d been stunned.
And that was answer enough. She shook her head and turned away to walk back toward the house, saying over her shoulder, “That’s what I thought.”
Seven
ROBERT WAS FROZEN.
He stood on the damp sand with the wind ruffling his hair and his eyes aching from lack of sleep, and he literally couldn’t move.
For some reason Anne’s sharp question—snapped out at him like the crack of a whip—left him dazed and stunned.
He tried to process what she’d asked him, tried to process his reply.
And the only answer he kept repeating was “no.” Of course he wouldn’t have reconsidered joining the Navy. He’d always assumed his own career was a done deal. Maybe he had some justification in the five-year commitment required by the ROTC program, but if he was honest, he knew he’d have felt the same way even without that.
She’d been right just now. Being in the Navy was part of who he was—who he’d always believed himself to be—and he’d never once considered that Anne might feel the same way about who she was and what she did.
He’d never considered himself an asshole before. In fact, he’d taken pride in not being one. But maybe he was one after all. Anne’s perspective had never even occurred to him.
It was a horrifying thought, and it left him cold and motionless.
After a full minute, he was finally able to turn around in the direction Anne had left. She was out of sight now.
He should follow her. Apologize. Tell her she was right and he was wrong and he was a fool for holding a grudge against her for making the choice she had. If he’d been in her place, he might have made the exact same choice.
They’d both been young. Maybe neither of them had been ready.
Losing her had ripped his heart in two, and it still didn’t feel whole. But maybe her decision hadn’t been an absolute wrong.
Maybe there was no absolute right or wrong in something like this.
He started walking and hadn’t gotten far when he saw Vince approaching. His brother was dressed for running, but he’d obviously seen Robert and was coming to talk to him before doing his morning exercise.
“Hey,” Vince called out when he was close enough to be heard. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Robert was moving to meet his brother—a lot more slowly because of his injured leg.
“You’re not trying to run or something stupid like that, are you?” Vince was frowning as he eyed Robert’s clothes and shoes.
“No, I’m not trying to run. I just came out to get some fresh air.” That wasn’t entirely true. He’d come out because he’d seen Anne out on the beach. But he didn’t need to fill Vince in on that particular detail.
“I saw Anne coming in.”
“And?”
“And were you talking to her?”
“We said hello.”
Vince’s expression was sober, as it so often was. “She looked upset.”
“I can’t do anything about that.”
“Can’t you?”
Robert made a low, growling sound and tried to suppress his frustration. “Vince, this isn’t helping.”
“Well, someone’s got to help because you aren’t as discreet as you think you are. If you want to get back together with Anne, then just tell her and see what she says. But don’t just keep giving her longing glances from a distance but then snarling at her every time you talk. That isn’t fair to her, and it’s going to ensure you stay unhappy.”
“I’m not unhappy,” Robert snapped, riling up defensively. “And I don’t give her longing glances.”
“Oh my fucking God, Robert, yes, you do.” Vince was almost smiling now. “So try to figure out exactly how you feel and then act on it instead of yo-yoing back and forth. If nothing else, watching it happen is driving me crazy.”
Robert growled again, but Vince didn’t stay to hear more. He started down the firm, damp sand near the tide at a jog and was soon just a spot in the distance.
Robert hated that he couldn’t run himself.
And he hated that Vince was right about him.
And he hated that he still had absolutely no idea what to do about it.
With a long sigh, he started limping toward the house.
He found Anne in front of the coffeepot, pouring half-and-half into a mug. No one else was around. The house was silent. Most of the guests were obviously sleeping in later or still in their rooms.
Robert went to join Anne in front of the kitchen counter. He met her gaze over her first sip of her coffee.
“I’m sorry,” he said before he could second-guess the apology.
He’d evidently surprised her. She lowered her cup and widened her eyes. “For what?”
“For everything. For how I’ve treated you. For just assuming you had to sacrifice your career to be with me. For everything. I’m really sorry.”
She stared at him for a long moment. After a minute, her eyes glistened and her lips wobbled. “You mean it?” she asked in a whisper.
“I do. I’m sorry. I’ve been an asshole.”
She let out a shuddering breath. “Thank you. I know I hurt you, and you’ll never know how sorry I am for that. But I did do the best I could.”
“I know you did.”
They stared at each other for a minute, and Robert experienced the strongest urge to reach out for her. To pull her into his arms.
He could hardly resist the compulsion.
He tightened his fists at his sides.
She cleared her throat and turned her head away, taking another sip of her coffee.
Robert reached for a mug from the shelf and filled it from the half-filled pot of coffee, mostly for something to do.
They stood in the kitchen and drank their coffee for a couple of minutes, and Robert couldn’t stop gazing at Anne. Her hair was rumpled from the wind, tousled around her face and hanging over her shoulders. Her skin was cle
ar—a rosy pink on her cheeks—and the curve of her lips and neck were delectable.
He wanted to run his fingers down her hair, her cheek, her throat.
He wanted to press all her soft, lush curves against him.
Just last night he’d had her in his arms. He’d been moving inside her.
He wanted to do it again.
He wanted it so much he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.
Then suddenly he was putting down his coffee cup and taking hers out of her hands. Then he was pushing her back against the edge of the counter and kissing her hard.
She huffed in what felt like surprise, but her arms moved around him immediately. Maybe she’d been feeling what he had. Her body softened against his. Her lips opened to his tongue. She tangled her fingers in his hair.
Robert’s heart roared in pleasure, and his groin hardened so suddenly it actually hurt. It didn’t matter that he’d just had sex with her last night. He needed her again. He needed her right now.
He needed to never let her go.
The kiss went on for a long time, growing deeper and more intense as it went on. Then, just when Robert was about to scoop her up and carry her upstairs to find a bedroom, she moved her hands and gently pushed him away.
He felt the pressure of her palms on his shoulders. He knew what it meant. So even though everything in his body and heart resisted, he released her and stepped back with a raspy sound.
“What the hell are you doing, Robert?” Anne asked, a threadiness in her voice that proved how emotional she was feeling.
“W-what?”
“What are you doing?”
“I was... kissing you.” He really had no idea what was happening here, but arousal was throbbing so painfully that it clouded his mind.
“I know that. But why? What do you want? Last night you said you wanted to try to be friends. I thought we’d made steps toward that. But twice now we’ve had sex and then you said it was a mistake right afterward. You really want to go through that again?” She sounded upset but not angry.
Robert’s mouth opened slightly as he tried to make his brain work. “I... I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You don’t know? Well, I do know. And I’m not going through that again. I’m all for working things out between us and getting closure, but it’s not going to happen by us having sex and then immediately regretting it each time. You don’t get to do that again. Please. Please, Robert. Don’t kiss me again.” Her voice broke on the last word, and she whirled around and left the kitchen, leaving her half-drunk cup of coffee on the counter.
Robert stood, still aroused but also churning with emotion.
And hurt.
He was hurt.
Because he’d wanted to kiss Anne more than anything, and she obviously hadn’t felt the same way.
ANNE WENT UP TO HER bedroom to cry.
She hated conflict. She always had. And this was worse than anything because it was Robert she was rejecting.
But there had to be a limit. She couldn’t be the pushover that everyone—that Robert—thought she was.
She mattered. Her feelings mattered. And her feelings were getting hurt over and over again.
She couldn’t let it continue. She couldn’t have sex with Robert again without the assurance that he wanted a real relationship with her.
It would only hurt her even more.
She’d thought they’d made progress. He’d actually apologized and seemed to mean it. But they’d never get to where they needed to be if they kept surrendering to physical lust. It was only getting in the way.
And it could never be simple lust with Robert. Not for her. It would always be a lot deeper for her.
After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. Her heart jumped in excitement as she sat up and wiped her face. Maybe it was Robert. Maybe he wanted to work things out with her.
Maybe he wanted to love her again.
She went to answer the door and almost drooped when she saw it was Em.
Em was dressed in a cute, one-piece swimsuit and a hooded cover-up. She was smiling when Anne swung open the door, but her smile faded as she focused on Anne’s face. “What on earth is the matter?”
“Nothing.” Anne thought she made a pretty good attempt at a smile.
It was evidently not convincing enough. Em shook her head and stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. “Tell me.”
Anne cleared her throat. She wasn’t by nature a confider, but she loved and trusted Em, and she really needed to talk to someone about everything she was going through.
“Robert?”
Anne nodded. “I’ve... We’ve...”
“Gotten naked?”
Despite her emotional mood, she choked in laughter at the words and Em’s dry voice. “Um... yeah.”
“More than once?”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s the problem? You’re still into him, aren’t you?”
Anne sighed. “Yes. I hate to even say it. It sounds kind of... I don’t know. But I am. I’m still into him. I’ve never stopped being into him, I think.”
Em’s expression was questioning and sympathetic both. “Nothing’s wrong with that. You found a man you loved in college, and he’s still the same man now. If you’ve been having sex, then he’s obviously still into you too.”
“Well, he is. I think. I mean, he obviously is physically. But his feelings are all torn and conflicted. He’s still really upset about what happened between us. He’s not going to... even if he wanted to... I don’t think he’s going to be able to trust me again. Every time he gets closer to me, he immediately pulls back and pushes me away. And I can’t... I can’t keep doing that.”
“Yeah. I can see that.”
“So I told him not to touch me again.” Her voice broke at the end.
Em reached out and pulled Anne into a hug. “Oh, I’m sorry, Anne. That sounds terrible.”
Anne shook but managed to control herself without bursting into tears again. “It was, kind of. But I think it was the right thing.”
“It sounds like it was. Your feelings are just as important as Robert’s. I know you feel guilty about hurting him before, but it was what it was. You made the best decision you could. And you can’t keep punishing yourself for it or letting him punish you.”
“He’s not! He’s really not.”
“Maybe not intentionally, but if he’s got you on a yo-yo like this, then that’s what’s happening, whether he means it to or not.”
Anne rubbed at her face, feeling a lot better. Still tired and drained but more secure in what she’d done. “You’re right. I think he’s doing his best too, but it’s not fair to me. He needs to decide what he really wants, and we can’t keep having sex while it happens.”
“That’s exactly right. Now make sure you stay strong. It’s not always easy to resist when a hot guy offers you sex.”
Anne giggled at her friend’s wry tone. “I’ll be strong. As strong as I can be.”
“Good. Now I need some coffee. Do you need some more alone time, or can you come downstairs with me?”
“I can come downstairs. I’m okay now. How are Ward and your dad doing at home?”
“They’re fine. I talked to them both this morning. Dad started complaining about how Ward’s coffee isn’t as good as mine, but he hasn’t had any real problems.”
“That’s good. It’s really nice of Ward to stay and let you come.”
“Ward is always worried that I haven’t gotten to travel at all in my life. The only place I’ve gone is Paris for our honeymoon. So he wants me to have every opportunity to travel even if it’s without him.”
Anne smiled at Em’s attempt at distanced irony and the sappiness that it hid. “Ward is a really good guy.”
“No argument here. Now come on. Let’s go have a good day at the beach. We can keep each other company all day.”
“Sounds exactly right.”
ROBERT SPENT THE DAY regretting a lot
of things.
He regretted kissing Anne this morning, after they’d finally gotten some sort of workable resolution of their issues.
He regretted having sex with her twice and pushing her away afterward both times.
He regretted spending years resenting her when she hadn’t deserved it.
And most of all as the afternoon turned into evening, he regretted ever paying Riot Berkley any attention.
The girl had attached herself to him. And nothing he said or did could shake her.
She wasn’t a bad person. She was pretty and amusing and spirited and seemed to have a decent heart beneath it all. But she was also silly and self-centered, and the more time he spent with her, the more he could see it.
He couldn’t believe that—even for a few minutes—he’d told himself that Riot was the kind of woman he wanted for himself.
It didn’t seem possible that he’d ever been so stupid.
And it was just a few weeks ago.
He couldn’t figure out any way to get rid of Riot without being outright rude, so he did the best he could to be nice to her without giving her any encouragement. And it was just as well he had something to focus on because Anne wasn’t talking to him.
She wasn’t even looking at him.
She stayed at Em’s side all day. She seemed to have a good time at the beach and the pool and hanging out in the house with the others. She was quiet and slightly withdrawn, but she was always that.
As far as Robert could tell, she wasn’t nearly as torn up by what had happened that morning as he was.
It wasn’t an encouraging thought.
They grilled out that evening by the pool again. Robert manned the grill, which gave him something to do other than fend off Riot’s attentions. She was in a feisty mood. Laughing loudly and dominating the conversation. Making herself the center of attention.
No one seemed to mind. They all knew Riot and were used to her. And she could tell some funny stories.
But it bugged Robert for no good reason. That everyone’s focus was on Riot—as if she were more important than everyone else. While Anne, who was smarter and funnier and sweeter than anyone else here, was in a shadowed corner, sipping a glass of red wine and completely ignored by everyone else.
