As dramatic as Nathan’s crying spell was the night of Lucy’s arrival, it was not this kind of crying. This crying was raw. And real.
“Hey Buddy, what’s wrong?”
“I’m angry.”
“Angry? Angry about what?”
“About daddy.”
Nathan got up from his place on the floor and sat next to Luke. He reached out and Luke returned the embrace. And then Nathan had the cry that he’d needed to have for the longest time. It was to be the first of many. It was a start.
Luke’s arms around him were a comfort, metaphorically as well as physically. This strong man loved him. This strong man had always been nice to him. He wasn’t daddy but he was a good dad. And Luke absorbed every sob without flinching. He understood what it was like to mourn this way. Every little quake was a profound expression of emotion and of loss.
In the midst of the breakthrough, Molly plodded down the hallway. Her reaction was instant and obvious, a frown taking over her face. She didn’t like seeing her brother cry. Luke motioned her over, freed an arm and wrapped it around her.
“Nathan is having a tough morning, but it’s going to get better now,” he reassured her.
* * * * *
Nathan never hurt Lucy again. A confession, however, was a bridge too far. He never told a soul about what he’d done to her. What he did do was to spend every day trying to make it up to her. It was a concept he embraced – that you could have redemption. You could make up for things you did wrong. It wasn’t true. Nothing could make up for it.
Still, to anyone bearing witness, he was a loving caretaker. He might not always be the first up in the morning, but he insisted on feeding Lucy every evening. It took several months before Lucy was not anxious to be with him alone. He was still last on her list of preferred company. But Nathan grew more attached by the day. Taking care of her was a therapy of sorts. Thinking about someone other than himself freed him. He was more relaxed, less brooding.
After a time, Sandra relented and Nathan began to see a therapist. Molly went for a few sessions, but as expected, Sandra was reassured that Molly wasn’t in need of services.
Things had calmed down for a while, once the children were stable. But without that as a point of contention between Luke and Sandra, they were faced with the reality of their relationship. If the stressors were gone to a great extent and they were still not connecting as they once had, it was time to think about ending it. Naturally Luke suggested counseling. Sandra found humor in that. It was one thing for the children, but not for her. She didn’t need a counselor. She’d made up her mind.
Luke would have stayed even without the counseling. He would have stayed for the children. He would have stayed for the possibility that he and Sandra could find a way to rekindle what they once had. He would have stayed to avoid being alone. With Sandra and the children, he had more willpower. By himself, he knew it would be a tougher battle to stay sober.
He would have stayed, even if it had meant an imperfect life, a less than ideal life. People did it all the time. If you could measure it out and see that the pros outweighed the cons, sometimes that was more than enough. Enough for him, but not for Sandra.
They agreed that she would take the kids out of the house for his moving out day. Lucy watched him carting things out to the car. At first when she she’d heard the jingling of keys, she thought she might be in for a ride, but not this time. Once she realized that wasn’t happening, she sat and watched.
With every load outside, Luke was removing a piece of himself from the home. The smell of him was being boxed up and taken away until there was nothing left.
He could not take her with him. She had become the center of Nathan’s world, the one constant in his life now. And Molly would never forgive him if he took Lucy away. The kids needed her. He sat with her for a long time on moving day, stroking and talking to her. She was as much family to him as the children and Sandra. And he was losing them all.
Finally, he embraced her a last time, rose and left the house. Lucy went immediately to sit by the door. He’d gone in and out all day. Maybe he was coming back. But then came the familiar clicking of the door locks. The last of Luke gone from the house. Nothing else to cling to. She knew what this was. She could feel it. And as Luke reached for the car door came the unmistakable sound of a beagle’s howl. It was a desperate plea, her way of begging him, “Don’t break my heart.”
He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them to feel warm tears on his face. The sounds coming from the house and from the rescued beagle seemed to potently convey what an utter failure he’d become. Climbing into his vehicle, he vowed that he would never be a dog owner again. He pulled out of the driveway, Lucy’s cries now drummed out by the sounds of the engine.
* * * * *
Sandra had agreed that Luke would remain in the children’s lives. He wanted that. The kids did, too. But like everything else, Sandra controlled the direction of the family. She made it tougher and tougher for him to see them. Time between visits stretched out further and further. And when a new man came into Sandra’s life, that was it. Luke was out of their lives in the blink of an eye.
For all intents and purposes, Lucy became Nathan’s dog. He made sure that she was given the best of everything. And over time, the memories of what he’d done to her faded enough that she would accept his affections. It was a strange inevitability. There was always something a little off about the way he smelled, something in the very manner of his being. But a dog is completely dependent upon its caretakers. And a beagle loves food, no matter who provides it. Lucy received the best.
She managed to escape a few times, but never got far. The yard was made secure enough to insure that she could not get out again. The years passed and she stopped trying.
Visitors would often comment about her calm nature. But a keen eye might have caught something else in Lucy’s demeanor. Dogs don’t hide their souls like humans do. Hers was out for all to see. And it was defeated.
Nathan did not apply for a single out of state university. Lucy was aging and he would not be that far away from her. Molly did travel out of state for college, her room used for guests in her absence. Lucy would often find her way into the closet to take long naps. The smell of Molly was still in the room and that was a comfort. Then one day sometime in her 14th year, Lucy went to sleep curled up there in her favorite place for the last time.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Grace shot through the darkness, her singular light leaving a trail of white behind her across the ebony sky. The ride itself was undeniably exhilarating and she imagined that during times past, she must have been thrilled to be making the trip. Not so this time.
She knew she’d lived a full life as a dog. She knew she’d had some precious though fleeting time with Luke. They were very much like scraps thrown to a dog from the dinner table. Scraps of time. She hungered for more.
She knew that she’d spent a lot of her time on Earth in a very lonely state of mind and she was relieved in a way that it was over. Yet there remained that part of her that was once again disappointed that her experiences on Earth did not satiate her desire to be with Luke. It was not enough. She wanted more than scraps. She wanted a lifetime. A whole lifetime.
She scanned the skies and wondered when it would be his time to fly. Which direction would he go? Would she know which light belonged to him? Could she find Luke in the darkness?
She focused harder, trying to tell if there were any attributes about the shooting star lights that were distinguishable from the rest. And in her concentration, she was able for the first time to make out another form of light moving around her.
The first couple trips, she hadn’t noticed. The experience was too new, too overwhelming. But this time it was as though her own thought processes were slowing down her flight to the smallest degree.
And that is when she saw it. Just beyond her reach, a tiny ray of light was making its way downward. It traveled at a speed just a fraction of
hers. She was moving so quickly, she could not follow its descent. As she scanned the skies, she saw that there were others. They were pinpoints of light. Tiny fireflies moving down. How precious they were. But just as quickly as the discovery was made, Grace found herself slowing down.
She was back. As the corridor formed around her, she was instantly on alert, in expectation of the pain to come. And it was there as she took her first step down the hall. It was there. It was a fraction of its former size, like a lump in the throat compared to an arrow through the heart. And then as she stepped forward again, it lessened further. With every step, the shadow lightened. With every step, the last of the ache was left behind. When she reached Gabe’s door, not even a remnant remained.
Expectant eyes met her in greeting. She could not articulate the relief she felt in seeing him again. Though she could not yet remember her former lives, her time with Gabe had burgeoned into a friendship all on its own.
“Hello.” A calm smile met her.
But this time Gabe did not stay in his chair as he had in the past. He rose and met her at the door. It was clear that he was moving to embrace her, and although unexpected, it was a welcomed gesture, for Grace had a lingering and profound sense of loneliness as result of her last lifetime on Earth. Perhaps he sensed it.
He came forward and wrapped his arms around her. She returned the hug, fully accepting the unadulterated transfusion of unconditional love that came with the contact. Then after a moment, he stepped away to look at her, as if to confirm that it had helped her. It had.
“Thank you,” she smiled. “I was feeling a little rough.”
“Yes, I understand. Ready to sit now?”
She nodded and took her seat and Gabe his. Before Gabe could say a word, Grace spoke aloud the words that were reverberating in her heart.
“He’s still there.” She knew it was so.
“I believe you.”
“And is that the truth of it? That I will always be where I am and Luke will always be far away?”
Gabe paused to contemplate his response. It was not his role to teach. It was not his role to reveal too much. Only to guide her forward. But Abigail had counseled him to stretch the boundaries of his role, for his own good, for Grace’s and for all of Castellans. Still, it was delicate businesses. How could he say what he needed to while not influencing her free will by providing too much information?
“That’s not a prediction I can accurately make. Souls that exist on the same level will encounter one another repeatedly during their lifetimes on Earth. It is less common for souls existing on different levels to meet often. The odds of that happening make it a rare occurrence.”
“I see.”
Grace stopped for a moment to think about that. If it was a rare occurrence that souls on different levels met up on Earth more than once, these trips back to find Luke were more critical than she’d realized. Luke’s time on Earth was finite. Once it was over, he’d be moving on. And when he moved on, how would she ever find him again? It would be over. All of it.
Gabe already knew what she was thinking. She didn’t have to say it. It was time to stretch the boundaries. He looked her in the eye.
“Can I ask you something, Grace?”
“Of course.”
His tone got her attention, however, she didn’t honestly know if she’d be able to concentrate on what he was about to say. Her mind was racing at the realization she’d arrived at.
“We’ve talked about your assessment.”
“Yes.”
“And how if you were to move ahead willingly, all of this would make sense?”
“Yes.”
“And do you believe me when I tell you this?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, what if I were to tell you that if you knew now what you will eventually learn when you have your assessment, you’d likely not be hesitating on this right now at all?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’d be moving on right now. You would not be conflicted. You’d go to your assessment.”
He could not tell her everything. She had to choose of her own free will. What he was betting on right now was that she trusted him enough to take the leap.
“Well, you know I’m gonna ask you, Gabe. What is it I’ll learn then that you can’t tell me now?”
Even as she asked the question, she was torn. Did she even want the answer? What if she didn’t want the answer? If he told her everything and that knowledge was enough to make her abandon Luke, did she really want to know?
“That part I can’t tell you.”
She was visibly relieved, although she asked the question anyway.
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve sworn to protect your supreme right.”
“What is that?”
“Your free will.”
“My free will?”
“That’s right.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Your free will is a supreme right. It is your supreme right to determine your own path and to have protection from others who would seek to thwart you, limit or eliminate your choices.”
“You’ve sworn to protect my supreme right? Why me?”
Gabe smiled.
“Yes, you. But not just you, Grace. I’ve sworn to protect the supreme right of every soul that exists here, in Castellans.”
“Castellans?” She asked the question half out loud, but mostly to herself. Was there a familiarity to that name? Yes, she believed there was.
“Yes, Castellans, our home.”
It was an odd position to be in. Grace was accustomed to thinking of Earth as home. It was all she’d ever known, save for this one corridor on Castellans. She understood that this was her “real” home. There were eons spent here, in this place with little blips of lifetimes spent on Earth. But at this present moment, she was caught between. Castellans was an alien world. Earth was home.
“You sound like some kind of guardian or something.”
He smiled again.
“Yes and no. Everyone on Castellans has sworn the same oath.”
“To me?”
His smile widened.
“Yes, to you. To all of us. Each citizen of Castellans has sworn the same oath to every other soul on Castellans.”
“Oh, okay. I understand.” She felt silly for a moment, thinking that she was so special as to be the soul beneficiary of such an oath.
It did provide her with a genuine sense of comfort, however, knowing that everyone here was out to defend the rights of everyone else. When she was ready to move on, she was certain that she’d gladly take up that mantel herself. Problem was, she wasn’t ready.
“Am I bound to that oath myself?” she ventured.
Time for another well constructed response.
“No Grace, you are not held accountable for that oath, because you are still in Earth consciousness. For you, life on Earth is your reality, because you’ve chosen to remain where you are. You cannot be bound to an oath that you have no memory of making.”
Aha! There was an out clause. Grace briefly entertained the fantasy of remaining blissfully ignorant and in limbo indefinitely.
Gabe was good at reading her thoughts. But he wanted their talk to remain a serious one.
“I promise you though, Grace, there will come a time when you are ready.”
“I know when I will be ready.”
His eyebrows rose in response.
“Yes?”
“I’ll be ready when Luke is no longer on Earth.”
This was going to take longer than he realized. Shouldn’t have been surprised. It was like this with her every time. Stubborn. Grace was a stubborn soul.
He tried another angle.
“But you won’t be content to wait here until that happens.”
“No.”
“You want to go back again.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Let’s talk about that for a minute. You knew from the beginning where th
is would end. You knew this was a process of letting go.”
He was sorry to do so, and he could see the effect of his words on her demeanor, but it was necessary, this letting some of the air out of her balloon.
“And this process was successful, wasn’t it, in that your pain is gone now?”
“Yes, that part is true.”
If it were possible, she would retrieve every ounce of that pain and put it right back where it was. She found no relief in its absence, only regret.
“And here you are. The pain is gone. You’ve gotten what you wanted, what others have begged for and not received.”
Again, he was pushing the limits. He envisioned Abigail’s hand on his shoulder, encouraging him. He was doing well this time. He’d let her have her way before, but this time would be different. He had a lot left to say, but she was the one talking next.
“Let me ask you something.”
“Sure.”
“You’ve sworn an oath to protect my free will.”
“Yes.”
“But you gave me information in order to influence my free will. You told me that if I knew now what I will know at my assessment, I would go directly to my assessment without delay.”
“Yes, I did.”
Wow. She was already leveraging his vow against him. This game of chess was on. And he was in check.
“There is a fine line, Grace.”
“Well, it’s pretty clear to me, Gabe.” Her words were strong, but didn’t match the softness of her expression. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I appreciate that I’ve been allowed to go back. But I asked for that. I asked. I would say that that’s a pretty clear indication of my free will. Obviously, if it wasn’t an option, I wouldn’t have been allowed to do it.
And although I find it hard to believe that Luke is on some other level and that he’s meant to live out his eternity somewhere far from me, I believe you. You wouldn’t have lied about that. If you had, I’d find out the truth sooner or later anyway. I have no idea what information I’m going to get at my assessment that might theoretically make me change my mind now if I knew about it. And I don’t care.”
Paradox Love: Paradox Love Book 1 Page 13
