And as Grace was acknowledging the response with a nod, it dawned on her that this conversation was nothing like she’d planned it to be. She’d planned to lead it. She was following. She was developing a fascination with Castellans, its people and its social structure, but it was time to set aside that distraction.
“So, that leads me to another question,” she looked up to see the glare of her white pajamas shining back at her from Abigail’s eyes.
“Yes?”
“What about my free will? I want to go back to Earth and Gabe won’t let me. That sounds like a pretty clear cut case of denying me my free will, doesn’t it?”
“Not so much.”
“Why not?”
“Well for one thing, at the moment, you are not a citizen of Castellans.”
“What do you mean? I’m here. I’m not there.”
“You’ve been received on Castellans. You’ve met your counselor and he’s explained the process. Until you go to your assessment, you’re in Earth consciousness. So in that way, you’re more a citizen of Earth than you are Castellans. Here, you remain a guest. To claim your citizenship, you must go to your assessment.
And as to honoring your supreme right, you’ve been allowed to return to Earth not once, not twice, but three times. I’d say you’ve been quite successful in asserting your free will, wouldn’t you?”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way. I mean, I guess I have. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but have I reached some sort of limit? It would mean a lot to me to go back one more time.”
“That won’t be possible, Grace.”
“I’m sorry, but that makes no sense. It seems very arbitrary.”
“Actually, it’s quite the opposite, a precise measurement in terms of what is possible. You’ve been given all that is available to give. Gabe has honored his commitment as your counselor. It is a duty he does not take lightly. In fact, you’re lucky to have him. I’d say he’s the best we’ve got. He likes to give people second chances. But it’s time to grow up a little bit. Time to leave playtime and graduate.”
There had to be a way around this. Grace felt inadequate in her ability to make a convincing argument. It was Abigail’s thousands of years of life experience against her measly seventeen. This was not a fair fight.
“Gabe told me he did not have the key to the transference room. He said that you had it.”
“That’s right.”
“But you won’t give it to me.”
“That’s right.”
“So in Castellans, the land of the supreme right of free will, I’m being told no?”
“You are.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Not at all.”
“Tell me why. Tell me everything, so that I’ll understand.”
“No, Grace, I won’t do that. You are a product of Earth consciousness at this point in time. You want what you want. That is human nature. And here on Castellans, knowledge is earned. It is earned when you let go of Earth consciousness and who you think you are. It is earned when you shed that façade and walk through the doors to your assessment to retake your place as a citizen of Castellans.”
Abigail was a brick wall. A giant brick wall. There seemed no way to penetrate it.
“Does that mean you won’t be answering anymore of my questions?”
“I will answer those that I can.”
It was time to see if Abigail had a heart behind that wall.
“Are soul mates real?”
“Yes.”
“Do I have one?”
“You have one million, if you include yourself.”
“Everyone living on Castellans is my soul mate?”
“By the purest definition, yes.”
“That’s not how I’ve ever thought of a soul mate.”
“I know, Grace. Coming from Earth, you would see it from a romantic perspective only. And it can be romantic, certainly. But on Castellans, we know our soul mates as all of those who were birthed as we were birthed, together in one extraordinary and miraculous event.”
“Which event?”
“The death of the star for which we are named, Castellans.”
“We – the citizens of Castellans were born from the death of a star?”
“Yes. Every star that ever was or will be is impregnated with the energy of new souls. They are cultivated within that star, grown and protected in that womb until the final moment of that star’s life. In that bittersweet moment, the star gives its life and explodes forth to release those souls.
Our planet was Castellans and we are its children. I know how it sounds. I know that on Earth, they call this science fiction. But here we call it life,” she ended with a smile.
“So has every star that’s ever died in the history of the universe given birth to a million souls?”
“Every one.”
“And so when Gabe talked about levels, what he meant are these other worlds, planets that have given birth to a society of souls?”
“Very good.”
“And because some are new worlds and some are ancient worlds, they are at different ‘levels’ of advancement?”
“Yes. It seems like you are remembering what you already know, Grace, rather than learning this for the first time.”
She didn’t want to admit it, but there was some truth to that. As strange as it all sounded, she didn’t question what Abigail was saying. In fact, there was no logic within her that resisted what was being said. She believed every word.
“So one million soul mates?”
“In the most important sense, yes.”
“And among those, are there romantic soul mates?”
“At its most base description, you could call it that.”
“And does everyone have one, a romantic soul mate?”
“No.”
That was a sad bit of information.
“Why not?”
“Not everyone wants one. And a soul mate, the way you’ve got it in mind, is a very narrow definition.”
Grace stopped for a moment to think. And for the first time, the slightest acknowledgement of defeat was bearing upon her. Abigail watched with both relief and sympathy.
Then Grace looked up again and this time saw her own welling eyes reflected in Abigail’s.
“Luke lives on another world.”
“Yes.”
Abigail was anticipating the next question even as Grace continued.
“So there’s no way he could be my soul mate?”
Abigail was not quick to answer this time. Grace sank into her chair.
“Not a soul mate as would be understood by a citizen of Castellans.”
Grace perked up. She was not yet a citizen of Castellans. They said she was still in Earth consciousness and therefore a citizen of Earth. Abigail was continuing her explanation.
“A citizen of Earth, who has no knowledge of worlds beyond their own may have the perception someone they encounter on Earth is the their soul mate. And I suppose that while they exist in Earth consciousness, that would be their reality.”
This was the sort of a mind bending philosophical lesson that Grace had once looked forward to having in college. But the concept she clung to as a result was that free will was about creating your own reality. That was exactly what it was about. Abigail continued.
“And that, no doubt, is why you’re having such a difficult time, Grace. It’s why Gabe tried so hard to get you to move on. In a sense, he was trying to save you from yourself, from a greater, inevitable disappointment. Because, Grace, it is a temporary reality.”
She was only half listening now. Ever since she’d come to Castellans, she been asserting her free will. She’d been working to create her own reality. She wasn’t giving up now.
“Can I ask another question?”
“Yes, of course.”
“If I ask you for the key and you refuse, does that denial of my free will cause you to regress?”
“It does.”
Grace’s heart thudded.
“Then why would you do it? You’re at the top, Senior Chancellor of the Council of Five. What could be worth risking that?”
“Well, being as I am at the top, so to speak, I have the most wiggle room, haven’t I?”
“You mean in terms of like a fall-back cushion? Because you have the most experience, you would not be impacted as much by a regression?”
“Yes, Grace.”
“And is that why you have the key and Gabe does not? You’re protecting him?”
“I am.”
The puzzle pieces were finally fitting together. And Grace’s plan for creating her own reality was crumbling.
“Obviously you have a reason to protect him.”
“I do.”
“And I’m no citizen of Castellans, so I will not be told.”
“You won’t.”
That was it then. Grace could not continue to ask Gabe for the key. Not only was it no longer in his possession, but she now realized that to ask him for it would be extraordinarily selfish. After everything he’d done for her, she owed him. She also knew that Abigail would not be wavering. And she was out of ideas.
“I’m sorry, Grace. When you left Earth, you should have been leaving behind every ounce of heartbreak and regret. Gabe tried to help you let go. He did his best.”
“I know.”
They sat a moment in the silence. There wasn’t much more to say.
“So that it’s it then?”
“I know you’re disheartened, but you really do have so much to look forward to.”
Grace nodded.
“What’s next?”
“A door will be open in your corridor. Step through it and into your assessment. That’s all you have to do.”
Abigail stretched out her hand and placed it on Grace’s.
“We’ve known each other a very long time, Grace. You can trust me. I wouldn’t deceive you.”
“Thank you.”
Abigail looked to the chambers door, which opened in response to her attention upon it.
“I will see you at your retreat,” Abigail smiled.
Again, Grace nodded silently and walked toward the open door. She took a deep breath as she stepped out into the corridor. She was in the center of the long hall, with Gabe’s office to her left, the transference room to her right. The door adjacent to Gabe’s office was slightly ajar, beckoning her.
She could not see inside. She didn’t want to see. She was afraid that the simple act of peeking would imply a commitment. And she wasn’t ready. Yes, it was inevitable. Yes, she’d lost the battle. Yes, it was time to let go. And yet, she could not.
A new rush of questions was buzzing in her head, all too late to ask. If Luke lived on another world and they were not soul mates, how did she know he was still alive on Earth? And why was she confident that she would feel it, she would know precisely the moment that he’d moved on?
She could not bring herself to move. She could not tell how many moments were passing as she stared at the door to her assessment and back again to the transference room. No options remained. Whatever free will she’d once exerted had been drained away.
They called this a reception hall, but at the moment, it was a prison, a shiny white prison. She looked down at her pajamas. They could easily be Castellans’ version of jailhouse garb.
A final internal battle was taking her back and forth between acceptance and anger. The emotions were all happening out of order and now denial was seeping in. For the briefest time, she indulged in it, in denial. But two dark partners were winning the argument within: sadness and defeat.
She took a few tentative steps toward the open door. She kept telling herself the same things she’d heard from everyone here before. The answers would come. Peace would come. Everything would make sense. But when it came from a well meaning source, she hated being told what to do. She stopped in the center of the corridor.
Once she walked through that door, it was all over. The thought was terrifying. She took a step back. She pictured Luke standing here instead of her. She pictured a role reversal, him being here and she being the one on Earth. What would he do if he were here instead? One thing was certain. He would not be walking through that door. No way. She looked toward the transference room door. That was the goalpost. This door, this door right over here that was standing open, that was a fumble waiting to happen.
She took another step away. And with that, she turned her back on the open door and all that awaited her, walking the long distance to the other end of the hall. The transference room door was sealed. She lowered herself against the wall and sat on the floor, her head down on her folded arms.
This place – this place next to this door on Castellans was as close as she was ever going to get to him again. They’d taken away whatever chance remained. She accepted that. They’d won. But they were going to have to wait a little longer for her to walk through that door. Luke was on Earth. She could feel it. And nobody on Castellans was budging her from this spot until she felt him leave. This tiny little connection to him was all there was now. Just the knowing. And she was going to honor that for every single moment that remained.
* * * * *
The ocean air rolling over the back porch of his seaside home, Gabe sat in the large rocking chair, his eyes on the surf. As a citizen of Castellans, he had the privilege of living in a home of his own creation in whatever setting he chose. And because Grace loved the sea, that is where they always returned. To this place, steps to the water. The windows were perpetually open, the salt air continuously breezing through. They’d spent centuries here together.
He smiled at the memories and the moments. This house held echoes of laughter, conversations that lasted days and elaborate planning for future adventures. Sometimes no words were spoken at all as they stretched out in the sand, gazing up toward the star filled night sky. This was their sanctuary.
They should have been celebrating now. Grace was the last of a million souls to return home to Castellans. Their world was ascending. It was a hard fought milestone, paid for with the experience and suffering of millions of lifetimes. He’d waited for her with more expectation than ever before. Every soul on Castellans was waiting, were still waiting.
The ironies were not lost on him. Grace’s last life on Earth as a human was spent as a girl carefully observant of the rules. She’d been given those personality traits, undoubtedly because she needed to learn some balance, needed to exercise some moderation.
When not in Earth consciousness, she was not so keen on rules. She broke them when it pleased her, when there was something she wanted, something more important, to her mind, than advancing her education.
Gabe was her enabler. He couldn’t help himself. Her happiness was his greatest joy. It was also his greatest downfall. When she needed rescuing, he was there. Had been since the day they were born. He smiled again. How little things had changed! The smile disappeared as he tried to ignore the uneasy ache in his heart.
Abigail had advised over and over, “It’s for her own good. She’ll thank you.”
That was no comfort.
A citizen of Castellans owes his allegiance to his people. He is bound to honor their free will above all else. But no such oath is greater than to one’s soul mate. So engrained is this commitment that the act of saying no itself becomes for some, physically impossible.
He’d said no to her for the first time ever. Ever. He took a deep breath and kept his eyes on the blue horizon. Yes, it was a little different. He’d said no to her as a citizen of Earth and not of Castellans. At first, this fact alone seemed to help blunt the injustice. But the longer it continued, the worse it became. Inwardly, he battled between the pain of depriving her what she wished for and the pain of being without her.
Grace was on this world, but she may as well have been on another. There was a sickness in his gut he’d never experienced before. A citizen of Castellans rarely knew sadness or regret. Yet he felt both em
otions with the intensity of a building storm.
He did not care that he’d forfeited a place on the Council of Five, that he was always at the bottom of the pack. That’s where she was and that is where he chose to be. They’d teetered there perpetually, testing the boundaries and abandoning advancement for the exhilaration of adventure.
But this newest event was unlike the rest. Grace was fixated and immovable. Her emotional attachment to this soul from another world was unprecedented. He wanted to help her work through it, to get over what could only be seen as a final, insignificant hurdle. There was no jealousy. He and Grace were inextricably bound, forever fused as equal halves to one flame.
In her most current lifetime, she’d existed on Earth for seventeen years. Seventeen years plucked as a sampling out of millions was less than miniscule, a droplet of water in an ever flowing stream. It was nothing. And yet, at this moment, it was everything. That one droplet was enough to halt the progress of a million souls.
He was intimately attuned to Grace’s emotional state, which at this moment, was predominately ruled by a paralyzing sense of hopelessness. He rocked in his chair and concentrated on the white crests and the melodic sounds of the breaking waves, but he could not distract himself from the growing sickness in his belly. This would not do. It simply would not.
Every returning soul to Castellans must step through the doors to their assessment of their own free will and without the taint of influence by another living soul. He could not tell her anything other than what he already had. Doing so would in and of itself, strip her of her free will. If she knew everything, of course she would go to her assessment. Of course she would forget all of this. Of course she would leave Luke behind.
He could not tell her. And even if it were possible, he wouldn’t do it. Even now, even on the brink of all that would befall them, he would not trade Grace’s desires for those of all of Castellans. When faced with that choice, it would always be her.
He rose from the chair and walked into the house, through the living space to the desk they kept in the corner of the bedroom. He pulled a sheet of paper from the drawer and scribbled down a line of words, placing a seashell over the note as a paperweight. Then he walked to the back of the house and out on the porch again, briefly taking in the view one more time. He loved this place, but the celebration would have to wait.
Paradox Love: Paradox Love Book 1 Page 15
