by Vi Carter
I ring again, and this time I speak. “I’m sorry for everything Ava. I want to make this right. Just call me.” Not the best voicemail I have ever left. But the most honest one I have ever left.
I keep walking, knowing I have another call to make, but I don’t want to. I need to make up my mind and get my story straight before I ring my da. The ringtone sends my heart pounding. It rings seven times before he answers.
“We need to meet.”
“I can’t today, but I’ll text you a location when I have it.” I’m nodding into the phone when he hangs up.
I wasn’t going to tell him across a phone that his son was dead. It was a conversation that I could only have face to face with him. My phone dings and hope surges through me but deflates just as quickly.
What did I miss?
You got a job in a brothel. Shane beat me up, and Liam raised his voice.
Get the fuck out. I get to work in a brothel. You’re having me on. Darragh’s message makes me smile.
Yep, you’re working with Liam. The decision was made.
I don’t think I can accept this kind of punishment. Haha fools. Right check you later.
Stuffing the phone back into my pocket, I’m still grinning as I make my way back to the house.
I need to shower and change my clothes. Entering my room, I’m surprised to find Una sitting on my bed, tears running down her face. My first thought is that he’s hurt her.
“You were my favorite. You made me laugh. You made me feel like I belonged.” Now she looks up at me and bile churns in my stomach as she points at the hall. “But what you did out there was wrong, Connor. I know this family isn’t perfect. I know Shane isn’t perfect, but I love him so much.” She’s standing now, and I hate her words.
“You could have blocked every attack he made. You’re stronger, the better fighter, but to push him like that, it’s not fair.” Her voice rises, and I don’t know what she wants me to say.
“He’s damaged enough without you poking at him.”
“Don’t. Stop right there. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You have no idea what he’s capable of.”
“But I do, and I accept it.” I’m searching her face looking for the cracks, the lies, but she’s firm. I fold my arms across my chest.
“Fine, Una. Tell me what Shane is capable of?”
She shifts now like she’s not so sure anymore, and when I nod, she speaks. “He hurts people. He deals drugs.”
I’m surprised she knows that.
“He’s killed people.” Her voice is so low that I have to lean in, but I heard her right. Now I’m looking at Una differently. How can she lie with him. But didn’t I kill Brian? How could Ava lie beside me if she knew the truth. Would she stay if she knew the truth? Would I think less of her or was this true love? You stood beside your man no matter what crime he committed.
“I’m sorry for what I did in the hall then.”
Una wipes tears away from her cheeks.
“I was trying to show you what a monster he was, but you already knew.”
The slap across my face stings, and I grit my teeth. That’s the first time she has ever done that. Her face is bright red. I’m not sure if it’s shame or anger, but she storms from my room. That went well. Making my way to the bathroom, the mirror confirms my suspicions about my neck, red marks circle. A red hand print is bright and visible on my face, and my lip is cut. Swelling has started above my left eye as well. A few days, and they will all be gone. Before I get into the shower, I ring Ava again, and her phone goes to voicemail.
“Just let me know you’re okay.” Hanging up, I glance back up at myself. For the first time in my life, I can’t fight my way out of this, and that scares me more than anything.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
AVA
I’m in the apartment, and I’ve just stopped looking at my phone at this stage. Each time I listen to Connor’s voicemail, a lump of ice breaks away from my heart and melts. I love him, but I’m not sure it’s enough. A horn beeps outside, and I grab my bag and keys off the counter.
“Hi, Gerry.” I climb into the back of the taxi, and my phone rings again. This time it’s not Connor. I don’t recognize the number. I think about not answering it, but I do in case it’s the hospital about my nan. She’s getting home today.
“Hello.”
“I’m looking for an Ava Smith.” The formal voice has me sitting up straighter. Gerry pulls out onto the main road just as I clip in my seatbelt. “Speaking.”
“It’s Claire from Gunnes auctioneer’s. I’m just ringing to see if tomorrow is a possible start date for you?”
My stomach erupts with butterflies. A job. I could have a job for the morning. The only thing stopping me is that Connor got me this job. But it would be up to me to keep it. I wasn’t going to throw away an opportunity like this.
“Fantastic, what time?” I’m smiling into the phone.
“9.30 is our start time. I’ll be here myself and will train you up. You come highly recommended.” Guilt sways back and forth in my stomach, but I squash it down. The recommendation not being real didn’t help, but I would prove myself.
“That’s so great. I’ll be there tomorrow morning at 9.30,” I rattle off.
“Perfect, Ava. We will see you then.” I end the call and meet Gerry’s smiling eyes in the mirror.
“I believe congrats are in order.”
“Yeah, just got a job with Gunnes Auctioneers.”
His eyebrows rise. “Very swanky.” I’m still smiling when I arrive at my old apartment. I don’t have much to pack, but I need to get all my stuff out. I’m skittish as I walk up the steps, fear of Brian waiting for me has me pausing and wiping sweaty hands on my jeans. I spend the next few hours packing up my life. A mover is coming for them this evening and bringing everything to my nans. Taking a final look around the one bed apartment, I feel the loss for the girl who lived here, the girl who had a job in Smyths. I miss the simpler times.
I miss Connor. I banish that final thought as I leave the key with the bookies where I told the moving company I would leave it. I don’t want to come back here again. It isn’t Gerry who drops me back to Headfort Demesne but another taxi man. When we arrive, there is a man waiting outside my door.
The moment I get out, he introduces himself. “I’m Russell the landlord. You must be Ava.” Shit I thought I would be long gone before I had to explain I wasn’t living here. I give him a tight smile and enter the apartment. I’m still jumpy after Brian, so I position myself close to the knife drawer, and I hold my phone. He ruffles up paperwork as he walks over to the breakfast bar.
“So I just wanted to drop this in with you.” Russell isn’t how I pictured him. His long hair falls to the centre of his back, and as he tucks it behind his ear, I can see leather bracelets that cover his wrist.
“Connor has covered a year’s rent.” He’s smiling as he tells me the ‘good news’ but my stomach is in my shoes. “So if you’re happy after the year, we can do new contracts. Right now here is a set of contracts and also the rules. If you want to read through it and sign, then I’ll be out of your way.” He hands me a pen and turns the contracts around to me. I’m pausing not sure what to do. Rent free for a year.
“I have a terrible headache right now. Could you just jot down your address, and once I read through these and sign them, I’ll post them back.” I was used to giving smiles when I didn’t mean them, and people felt they were genuine. Russell gathers up his stuff but leaves the contracts.
“That’s no problem.” He’s smiling knowing no one in their right mind would pass up an opportunity like this. Once Russell is gone, I don’t think but go through the apartment and pack the two bags of belongings I had brought here. Leaving the contracts and the keys on the counter, I call a taxi to take me to Navan hospital to collect my nan.
Nan and I are only home in her house a few hours when the movers arrive. Nan is so excited to have me moving back in.
“Are you sure, Birdy?” She’s asked me several times already.
“I want to be here with you Nan.” She’s gives a sharp shake of her head.
“As long as my Birdy is happy.” I frown at her words. I wasn’t happy. My nan being home and safe was everything, but losing Connor had taken a toll on me that I hadn’t expected.
“Is Connor coming over later?” Nan asks, and I wonder how transparent I am. She always seems to ask the right questions at the right times. I haven’t told her about me and Connor.
“He’s working,” I answer while unpacking boxes.
“That one is a keeper, Birdy. I feel it in these old bones.” My throat burns. I thought the same too. But it was funny. Having him and knowing that we started on a pretense compared to not having it all seemed like a no brainer.
“I’m glad you’re home, Nan,” I tell her and hug her small frame. She hugs back, her hold strong for a woman of her years.
It’s later that night when I’m alone in bed that I take out my phone. I won’t ring him, but I don’t know. I want to let him know I’m okay without telling him okay.
Did you hear from the guards about me making a statement? I chew my lip as I re-read it several times. “Just send it Ava,” I tell myself, and my finger hits send. So that’s it. It’s gone. Nothing happens. No matter how much I stare at the phone, it doesn’t light up.
Fine. I lie down and reach for the light switch when my phone lights up. I’m smiling, and a giddiness rushes through me now.
No, Ava, I didn’t. But don’t worry about Brian. He won’t come near you again. Are you okay?
My eyes blur. I want Connor to hold me now and just make this all go away.
I got the job with Gunnes. I hit send and then feel foolish, but I want to share it with him.
I’m so happy for you. You deserve this so much. Did you hear from Russell? Can we meet?
My poor lip takes more abuse as I re-read over Connor’s message.
Yeah, he came around earlier. Better go to sleep. Have to look fresh for this job in the morning.
I’m staring at the phone again, and nothing comes in. Lying down I turn off the light but hold the phone in my hand. I hate how my stomach erupts when it lights up.
You will do great. X
I’m focused on the X, my finger rubbing across it. I love you, I tell the phone as tears leak out of the corner of my eyes. My stomach cramps painfully, and I pull my legs up into a fetal position. The thoughts of losing him is causing my pulse to spike. His smile, soft hands and kind ways torture. Happy memories haunt me until I fall asleep.
The new job is great. I just show people around properties that are for rent. I close three on my first day. Claire says I’m a natural, and it does feel natural to me.
My phone rings when I’m on a break. It’s Connor but I can’t answer it. Once it stops ringing, I wait for the message that I have a voice mail. Without fail, it arrives. I’m smiling like an addict as I listen to his voice. Closing my eyes, something burns deep inside me.
Just checking in to see how the first day went. I know you will do great.–A pause–I really miss you, and it would be great if we could just meet up. Just grab a coffee. Whatever suits you –another long pause, and I wonder is he gone.–Let me know.
I listen to it four more times before I stop acting crazy and put the phone down. I don’t respond but finish my days work which flies.
Nan has dinner on the table when I arrive home. “It smells delicious,” I tell her as we sit down. She’s made my favorite of hers, a stew. We eat in silence savoring each bite.
“Nan, if Jack lied to you about how he met you, what would you do?”
Nan raises her eyebrows and goes to the press under the sink where she retrieves a box of cigarettes and a lighter. Smoking with Nan is occasional, and when she offers me one, I take it.
“Jack’s been gone now thirty years. Your grandfather never lied.” Nan lights up her cigarette, and my heart deflates at her words. I was being stupid even thinking of giving Connor another chance.
“But you need to spit out what you are trying to say.”
“Fine. Connor lied to me. He met me on purpose to get information out of me.” That was the basics.
Nan takes her sweet time to answer, taking long drags off her fag before flicking the ashes in the sink to her back. I’m taking in the smoke but not inhaling it fully.
“Information about what?” She purses her lips, and I wonder how to explain this to her. But then I decide to just go for it.
“His brother hurt someone, and I witnessed it. So I suppose his brother sent him to find out what I saw.”
“And Connor got this information out of you and then left?”
“Well no, things actually were going great, and I left when I found out the truth. But Connor never actually got any information out of me.”
I’m staring at the smoke that swirls around the small room. Connor only questioned me at the start, but he never asked after that.
“Maybe you need to talk to the boy and listen to his side of things. No one’s perfect, Birdy.” I put the cigarette out. All it was doing was burning my eyes. Nan was right. I needed to at least hear his side of the story.
Once I’m in bed, I take out my phone and text Connor.
I’m free tomorrow if you want to meet up. I hit send and wait. It doesn’t take long for him to reply, but his reply isn’t what I expected.
A relation of ours died so I have to go up the north for the funeral. Can we meet up after?
Yeah sure. Really sorry for your loss
Thank you. Can’t wait to see you. X
I’m smiling again. How easily he makes me smile. I send one final message back.
X
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
CONNOR
I bide my time slowly and know that it’s up now with Shane. He’s outside talking to Una. They are smiling at each other. I wait in the kitchen, and when he arrives in, his smile tilts.
“I was hoping I could have a quick word,” I say, and he gets himself a cup of tea.
“I’m busy today,” he tells me with his back to me.
“Where’s Bernard’s body?” The cup smashes on the floor. The reaction I wanted. Shane glances at me over his shoulder, and I can see he’s trying to think quick.
“Have you heard from Brian lately?” I ask, taking a sip of my tea, and he’s paling and nodding.
“What do you want?”
“Just a quick word.” We leave the kitchen, and I follow Shane as he moves swiftly into the dining room. The plaque is like a beacon.
Family comes first.
I always wanted to destroy that plaque, and one day I’m sure I’ll get the chance.
“So where is Bernard’s body?”
“I don’t know what Brian told you but he’s full of shit.”
“You get one shot at this, Shane. So I’m going to tell you what I know, and then you can tell me where his body is.”
Sitting down. I sip my tea, and I gesture to the seat across from me. When Shane sits slowly I know I have him by the balls.
“Brian is dead, I blew out his kneecaps before shooting him in the head.” I let that sink in. Shane’s touching the band on his thumb, and I’m glad he’s thinking about Mom. That’s what I’m counting on. Whether he really knows what he’s doing, he’s doing it.
“Bernard was the son of the general of the Ra.”
“I know that he was Tom’s son and connected to the Ra, I just didn’t know that Tom was that high up.” He joins his hands now and leans them on the table.
“So what, you’re going to tell on me? It’s my word against yours. Who’s to say you didn’t kill Bernard?”
I’m smiling at him. It’s nearly too easy. “Because Shane, Tom will believe me. I’m his son.” His jaw tightens, and his nostrils flare as he sits back, not sure what to believe.
“My da is waiting on my call to let him know who killed his son. So I can either tell him Brian did it and tha
t I killed him, or I tell him you did it and I have to kill you.”
“Mam would never be with Tom.”
My composure slips, and I’m leaning in. “Why? Tom never put his hand on her, unlike Michael.”
He’s shaking his head. “Dad never…”
“He did. But I’m not here to hash that with you.”
Silence descends on the room, and I let all I’ve told him sink in. He keeps looking at his hands and snapping quick glances up at me.
“Brian was the one who told Harry about the land. The Gardai I told you he had paid off, but you wouldn’t believe me. He wanted you out of the picture after you beat him up.”
“So you tell Tom… your dad, that Brian killed Bernard, and what? You let me walk away?”
No.
“Where’s his body?”
“You need to listen to me. I swear to God I didn’t mean to. It was an unlucky blow.” I didn’t need to hear his sob story. My brother was dead. How that happened is irrelevant. When I don’t answer but take a sip of my now cold tea, Shane rubs his face.
“At the base of the Loch Leigh Mountains.”
The thought of Bernard rotting away at the bottom of the mountains has me looking away from Shane.
“I want him in a coffin, in a hearse that I can drive up the north.”
“A hearse, where do you think I’m going to get one?”
I pin Shane with a stare. “I don’t care if you have to buy me one. I will bring my brother home, in a coffin.”
Shane stands. He’s looking a little pale now.
“I’m not finished.” Clenching his jaw, he sits back down.
“In exchange for your life, you’ll have to do something for me.”
“I’m not agreeing to anything until I hear what it is.”
“All I have to do is pick up the phone and say your name, and there will be a bullet in the back of your head. Why don’t you get it? You will do what I say.” I lean out and let that sink in.
When he doesn’t answer me back, I proceed. What I am about to share with him could get me killed. I lower my voice.
