As soon as it was out of my mouth, I regretted it. She looked up at me as though I’d poked a hole in her heart. I was disappointed, but I didn’t want her to think she disappointed me. Her eyes filled with tears.
“It’s not a contest, Jake. I’m here with you, aren’t I?” Her voice was quiet and a little shaky. She hovered between offense and exhaustion.
Eleven
Gracie
It had been a couple days since our uncomfortable Calon conversation lunch date, and Jake hadn’t mentioned him again. I wasn’t sure if that meant he’d worked it out in his own mind or he just didn’t want to talk about it again.
We were in Circle Park, enjoying the shade under a big, gnarly tree that had probably been growing there for a hundred years. As I’d wrapped up my finals and projects at the end of last semester, I couldn’t wait for days like this when we could just hang out and talk without watching the time. My only obligations were counseling on an as-needed basis and my Wednesday evening guitar lessons with Yaz.
“I got a job.” Jake was lying with his head in my lap, flipping through the paper, and I was pulling blades of grass apart and tossing them into the breeze.
“You did? When?” We hadn’t left each other’s sides since the Calon episode, which told me he was still sidetracked by what happened that day. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have forgotten to tell me about his job.
“Just before I met you at the Café the other day, I ran into Mitchell’s for a drink, and Becki was there studying. I sat down for a minute, and Buzz came upstairs all pissed off because they were short one bartender for the training course. So, you’re looking at one of Mitchell’s new bartender trainees.”
“That’s great, Jake. Wait, you don’t know how to mix drinks, do you?” I giggled.
“No, I’m clueless. But that’s the point of the training.”
I thought about Jake standing behind the bar at Mitchell’s in their standard issue tight black t-shirt. His deep brown hair curling a little at his ears and those piercing blue eyes would have girls gaga while they waited for their drinks. I wasn’t sure if I liked that idea. I was used to girls eyeing Jake, but most bars have that underlying meat market atmosphere, even in chill places like Mitchell’s.
“You’re not happy.” He put the paper down across his stomach and tilted his head back to see my face.
“Yes, I am. I’m happy for you, Jake. Just thinking of all the girls I’ll have to peel off you at the end of each of your shifts.”
He rolled his eyes and picked the paper back up. “Who knows, if I’m good at it, maybe I could supplement an income after college by tending bar. It’s a good skill to have. It would make a good filler job until I get a real one, and a great way to make some extra cash on the side even after I’ve started a career.”
A sharp pang hit my stomach and I sucked in a quick breath. I had barely even given any thought to my career. I was drawn to kids from as far back as I could remember, so, making sure all children had safe and happy homes seemed like a natural career for me. But I’d been so preoccupied with just getting better and using the summer to be carefree and easy that I guess I had also put my future plans on the back burner. Our lives were so comfortable. It was all so easy.
The thought of Jake and I leaving campus at the end of the next year was a bit unsettling. It was exciting to think of graduating and starting my career as a social worker, but the comfort of our campus, classes, our apartments, it was all so easy. The thought of finding housing and all the responsibilities that go along with a career was stressful enough, and I wasn’t sure what that meant for Jake and I. Would we have to have a long distance relationship until we could find jobs in the same city? What city? Would I be close to my family? Would he want me to move out west to his home town? I wasn’t very outdoorsy. Sitting on the ground at Circle Park was as close to camping as I’d ever been. Jake, on the other hand, loved adventure. He was into skiing and snowmobiling and all kinds of stuff you couldn’t do while wrapped up in a blanket and reading a good book. What if we moved out there and I hated it?
“Gracie?” Jake poked me under my chin.
“Sorry, Jake, but I hate snow. Hate. It.” I shook my head to try to clear all the stressful scenarios out of it.
He shut the paper and sat up, facing me. “Okay. I’m pretty sure they’re not calling for snow today...in June...in Tennessee.” He laughed and rubbed my knee. “You okay?”
“You said career and reality hit me. We are soon going to be in the real world. What if our careers keep us apart? How will we determine where to go without one of us feeling like the other may be sacrificing what they want just so we can be together? It’s just scary.”
What was scary was seeing a deadline for me to get my shit together. I certainly couldn’t focus on a career and everything else. How was I going to succeed with counseling, navigate a relationship, find a job, get good grades, and coordinate my life decisions with Jake? I got dizzy.
“Don’t think of it as scary. It can be our first big adventure together.” He smiled and lay back down in my lap.
“Together. Is that what you picture?” I knew his answer, but Jake making that statement without an air of doubt in his voice sent a wave of panic through my chest. The fact that I was bothered by his mere assumption unraveled me a little further. What made him think I was even close to being ready?
“You don’t?” He tipped his head up again, and I ran my fingers through his hair. His eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a soft moan.
“I guess a part of me was trying to not look that far ahead. I was just focusing on one day at a time. I guess I was doing that to protect myself from heartache, and another part of me was just planning on savoring every minute of our last year at UTK. “
“Mmmm.” He reached up around my neck and pulled my lips to his. “First of all, no more heartache. Secondly, you know how I feel about savoring you.” He raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes, like the images going through his mind were taking him somewhere other than our blanket in Circle Park.
I lay down and rolled to my stomach so my arms were crossed over his chest. I laced my leg through his legs and sighed as my mind went back to the recent afternoon when I learned what all the fuss was about being on top. What Jake had taught me that day still had butterflies flitting around in my stomach.
“I know what you’re thinking.”
“You think?”
“I can see it all over your face. You wanna be on top again.”
“On top? On top of what?” I said the words slowly, like I was straining to remember. I played like I didn’t have any recollection of the steamy afternoon.
“Oh, you don’t remember. I guess I need more practice.”
“Yeah. You might want to practice some more. A lot more. Over and over again.”
I let out an involuntary sigh and rolled to my back. Jake lifted himself up onto his elbow and brought his face close to mine. I could see every dark fleck in his beautiful crystal blue eyes.
“Practice would go something like this.”
He hadn’t finished his sentence when his mouth connected with mine and his tongue made its entrance. He dove in and out and flicked against my tongue in a rhythm that had me squeezing my thighs together to dull the intense ache he was creating. He rocked his body into mine as his kisses got deeper.
A jolt stopped Jake’s kiss prematurely, and he pushed himself up onto his hands, still hovering over me.
“You two make me sick. Could you save it for the bedroom? Please? The rest of us would like to walk in the park without porn on the lawn.” Becki stood with her hand on her hip and her weapon, the newspaper Jake had been reading, rolled up in her other hand. She shook it at us as she spoke.
Jake and I repositioned ourselves so we were sitting, which made room on the blanket for Becki to join us. She unrolled the crinkled paper, which I knew was driving my neat freak boyfriend crazy, and stabbed the entertainment page with her finger.
“You
two are taking me here. HERE! Would you look at him?”
I leaned forward to see what she was pointing to. I saw familiar dark curls and sexy grin. It was an ad for Sid’s, the eclectic hippie place on the other end of town. Alternate Tragedy would be there next Friday. My jaw clenched, and I wondered what Jake was thinking.
“I’m all about Calon right now. Oh, and Jake, since this is the second time I’ve seen you in three days and you still haven’t asked...I’m doing okay with my new single status...thanks for asking, Jerk.” Becki crushed the paper in her fist and swatted him again.
He instantly leaned toward her and slowly took her into his arms. He squeezed her into his chest as his hands splayed out across her back. He spoke quietly, “I’m sorry I didn’t ask, Becki. I’m glad you’re okay.” Jake was a good hugger. Everything Jake did hovered between sexy and sensual. I knew what her reaction was going to be.
She pulled back, her lips parted a little, and she looked back and forth between Jake and me as though she was awestruck. I just nodded and smiled. His hugs were unbelievably sexy.
“If he...” she pointed to Calon’s face in the wrinkled mess of the entertainment section. “...hugs like him...” she poked Jake in the chest. “There will be no need to walk me home Friday night; I think I found my escort.”
Twelve
Jake
“So, what songs did you learn last night with Yaz?”
Our clasped hands swung between us as we walked slowly in the opposite direction of Becki. We didn’t have a specific destination. We were just walking and talking. I looked over at the beautiful girl who had stolen my heart. Her hazel eyes sparkled in the sunshine; her dark hair blew back and forth, almost touching her shoulders. She was gorgeous. She looked down at her newly painted toenails that wiggled in her flip flops.
“Yaz wanted to see what I could already play, so for the first half of our lesson, I just played Goo Goo Dolls and Van Morrison.” She smiled up at me, squeezing her right eye to keep the sun out, and tilting her head into my shadow so she could see me. My little music junkie.
“Did he teach you anything new?” I was completely music-stupid. I could keep a beat, I could even dance, but as far as creating music...yeah, that would never happen.
“He did. He taught me how to do bar chords, which are really for electric guitar, but you can do them on acoustic, too. The sound was pretty cool. He also gave me a capo.”
“Oh, of course, a capo.” I erupted in sarcastic excitement. “I was wondering when you were going to get yourself one of those. I mean, good grief, Gracie.”
“You’re a dork. A capo is a clip-type thing that you put across your frets so you are only playing part of the strings, which makes it a higher pitch.”
I nodded and rolled my eyes. Gracie smacked me in the gut, and we both laughed so hard, she snorted. I would give my left arm to see her smile and hear that laugh every damn day, but sometimes, both were elusive. I could see little bits of her emerging, which gave me hope that she was getting stronger.
“So, how was counseling?”
I knew the question could suck the wind from her lungs; I knew it could turn the mood from carefree to sullen, but I had to stop tiptoeing around her. If she was going to continue to grow and find herself, she was going to have to face her demons. She took a handful of steps before she looked up at me or even acknowledged my question.
“I like her.”
“Your counselor.” I said it as a statement, but it was really a question. She smiled and nodded then looked back down toward the sidewalk.
“Can you tell me some of what you talked about, or are you not comfortable doing that?”
“Jake, I can tell you anything.” She leaned into me with her shoulder then laid her head on mine as we continued our walk.
“Then spill it, sister.”
“She’s really nice and apparently survived a Noah of her own. It was funny, when I referred to Noah, I called him my ex. She did the, ‘Does your ex have a name?’ And I answered in past tense.”
“Huh?” I hoped I would be able to decipher her counseling session better than I did the terminology of her guitar lesson.
“I said, ‘His name was Noah.’ To which she asked, ‘His name is still Noah, right?’ It pissed me off because I thought she was just being sarcastic.”
“That’s what I would have thought.” Something was different when Gracie spoke about counseling. She was sure of herself, and her mind was focused. She wasn’t waffling back and forth or putting herself down.
“She said I have to stop thinking of Noah in the past tense, because he will keep living his life and hopefully move on. It’s actually my relationship with Noah that is in the past. It was so cool the way she connected the dots for me. Like, she also helped me see the reason I have trouble accepting your compliments is because I’m afraid you’ll see what I see, which is far from beautiful.”
“Gracie...” Her admission stole my breath.
“It’s all right, Jake. Just listen.” She squeezed my bicep with both hands and looked me in the eyes as she spoke. “She said I do that because Noah taught me to see myself the way I do. So, I guess that means you get to play teacher now.”
“Oh, so I have homework.”
“No, you...”
“Hang on.” I put up one finger and grabbed my cell phone from my pocket. We stopped walking again, and she faced me. I pretended to answer the phone. “Oh, hi, Sylvia. Yes. Yes.” Gracie put one hand on her hip and rolled her eyes. “No. Okay, so let me get this straight, I am supposed to compliment her every hour, on the hour? Got it. Thank you. Bye.” I raised my eyebrows, grabbed her hand, and pulled her along with me as we crossed the street toward our apartment. “I like Sylvia. She’s good.”
“You’re funny. But, what she said made sense, right? I mean, I could totally see what she was saying.”
“I agree. The woman knows her stuff. So, what else did you talk about?”
“I told her I felt hopeless and weak because of all the times I’ve broken down in tears. She told me crying was a sign of strength, not weakness. I’m pretty sure that makes me freaking Miss Universe, because I cried practically every stupid day last year.”
“You went through a lot last year, baby girl. Don’t beat yourself up for crying.”
“Sometimes, Noah laughed when I cried, or acted so annoyed and disgusted at my tears it made me feel like I was being ridiculous. I guess that’s something else I need to redefine.” She looked up and smiled sweetly at me, but I thought I saw a touch of hesitation.
“Wow. You guys touched on a lot of the big stuff.”
“Yeah, but somehow, I still feel like we barely scraped the surface.”
She dropped my hand to wrap her hair up in a messy knot, grabbing a hair band from amid the many bracelets on her wrist. Her smile fell, and she squeezed her eyes shut, shook her head a little, and sucked in a deep breath.
My stomach fell. I had no idea what that reaction was for, so I had no clue how to prepare myself for what she might say. Was she going to divulge things Noah did to her I didn’t already know? Or maybe she was just tired of talking about all of this. Once again, she stopped walking and faced me.
“Jake, she said she feels like I may be too dependent on you to give me strength. She said I need to get to a point where my strength comes from within me. I guess she wants me to be a little more independent, but that scares me.”
I rubbed her cheek with my hand, and my heart cracked a little. At that moment, I knew, Sylvia was gently trying to tell Gracie she’d jumped into a relationship too quickly. But I wasn’t sure Gracie caught that in her analysis. I was sure that Gracie’s admission of fear in regards to being independent meant she was relying on me too much.
“Jake, what are you thinking?” She put her hands on my waist and looked up at me, waiting.
I prided myself in always being forthright and honest. Integrity meant a lot to me, and I knew those qualities were what helped Gracie trust me as much
as she did. I knew this was the point in our conversation I needed to suggest we slow things down. I knew taking a break from “us” may be the best thing for Gracie. Her eyes were hopeful for my truthful guidance, but I wasn’t sure I could deliver it. If I suggested taking a break, Gracie might feel like she and her baggage were too much for me. This would have to be her decision. She would need to come to a point where she saw walking away from us, even for just a short time, would bring her closer to healing. So, for the first time in our relationship, I stretched the truth.
“Just thinking how much I love you.” I kissed her on the forehead. “We’ll get through this, baby girl. I promise. You’re stronger than you think.”
Thirteen
Gracie
Jake and I snuggled close together on the couch while he flipped through the channels with one hand and ran his fingers of the other through my hair. I closed my eyes and concentrated on how it felt when he touched me. His body was strong and its warmth seeped into me. My legs were slung across his, and I could feel his muscles flex as he tapped out the beat of the music of whatever was on TV. When Jake was in the room, I rarely paid attention to anything else. The sight of him, the sexy air about him, all of it took my breath away and sent my heart reeling. I was making my way back to who I used to be. I just had to focus on being strong and making decisions without always relying on Jake to help me through. It was much easier just to run everything by Jake. He was never anything but truthful, even when it hurt.
I’ll never forget the pained look on his face the day he stood in my bedroom and told me Noah didn’t respect or love me. I was crushed. At that moment, I couldn’t understand how the person I’d trusted most could rip my heart out, knowing those were the last words I wanted to hear. But, in hindsight, I could see how sick Noah was. I could look back and see how twisted his logic was, but I was so focused on finding the sweet, romantic, caring Noah that I didn’t see the things Jake, and everyone else, saw. I knew, now, the reason Jake could say those things to me was because he knew I trusted him more than I did Noah. And that trust is what pulled me out of deep despair, just before it was too late.
On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep Page 7
