“So, Mrs. Rockwell, tell me a funny story about Jake.”
“Oh, no, no, no. We don’t need to—”
“Well, there are so many. Let’s see. There was this one time we were at a birthday party for one of Jake’s cousins. He was about three.”
“Mom, you are not going to tell her the pee story!” My mom wasn’t one of those people who needed to change who she was because of her surroundings. It didn’t matter that she was sipping expensive wine and had a linen napkin in her lap; she was going to tell a story about urine. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“So, anyway, he ran inside my sister’s house to use the bathroom, but someone else was using it. I guess he panicked and had to make a rash decision.”
“Oh no.” Gracie giggled so hard, it cracked me up. Stupid story.
“He had two choices. And apparently the artificial palm tree in the corner was the winner. My sister walked in to a squishy little white butt and a guilty, but relieved, Jake, looking over his shoulder.” They both laughed for a long time over that one. I would have to remember to ask Gracie’s mom for embarrassing stories the next time she visited campus. Yeah, I was embarrassed by my “pee tree” story, but I loved seeing Gracie and my mom connect like that. It was so easy and natural. They really hit it off.
“So, Jake. You’re working at Mitchell’s. How’s that going?”
“I like it a lot. It was funny how the job fell into my lap, but I really enjoy seeing how a place like that is run.”
“I can’t wait to see him in action. I’m sure he’ll be raking in the tips.”
“Yeah, he’s never had any trouble getting attention from girls, that’s for sure.”
“I talked to Dad over weekend.” I needed to get the attention off all the embarrassing stories I knew were running through my mom’s head.
“Well, good. We chat, but I haven’t seen him in a while. Your dad keeps himself so busy. He has himself tucked up in the woods in that little cabin, but he’s happy, I think. He’s always tinkering with something in his garage.”
“Yeah, Martha.”
“Excuse me?” My mom let out a nervous laugh, which led me to believe she hadn’t met Martha yet.
The waiter came with our food, and it smelled delicious. Well, mine did. He set down huge plates of lettuce and veggies in front of my mom and Gracie. But I needed more protein than that. I got fettuccini with scallops, and I wasn’t about to share.
“Martha is his pet name for his latest project. He’d probably love to introduce you.” I knew my parents were happy living the single life. Each could do as they pleased and not have to worry what time they got home from work or how early they went in. But it had to be lonely. And something in my heart still held out hope they’d work things out. They deserved to be happy together.
“So, what were Jake’s other girlfriends like?” Gracie giggled and squeezed my hand under the table.
I rolled my eyes, sat back, and enjoyed my scallops. I couldn’t wait to hear my mom’s answer.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Jake used to suffer from the I-only-see-you-as-a-friend curse. It made me sad for him because I knew he wanted to have someone special in his life. But I’ve told him for years that relationships that start out as just friends seem to be the ones that stand the test of time. Guess I was right, huh, Jake?”
“You were.” I smiled at Gracie and winked at my mom.
I thought about what she said, and it gave me a sense of relief about Gracie’s and my status. I’d have to say, taking a break is a shittier place to be stuck than the friend zone. Taking a break means you already know what it’s like to be with that person, so the difficulty lies in knowing what your heart is missing.
****
“Jake, why exactly did your parents split up?” Gracie and I walked hand-in-hand back to our apartment building. It was a beautiful night for a long walk. She and my mom had really hit it off. I was sad my mom could only spend dinner with us, but I knew Gracie would get to see her again.
“To tell you the truth, I think they just gave up. My dad hates being a salesman, and my mom loves being a guidance counselor. I think my dad felt jealous of my mom’s job. They’d fight about all the hours she put in and the conferences she’d have to go to. I guess my dad was so beaten down by his own job, he just didn’t have the energy to weather those storms. Ya know? I think he thought she deserved better than what he gave her.”
“Your mom had a little sparkle in her eye when she talked about your dad.”
“She always does. My dad, too. I’d bet money they still love each other deeply.”
“Do you think every marriage comes with the option for divorce?”
“Wow, that’s a loaded question.” I wasn’t sure where she was going with the conversation.
“I didn’t mean for it to be. My parents have been married since they were twenty, and I’ve seen them hit some pretty serious lows in their relationship. Yet I never worried they would get divorced. But you see it so often. I just wonder why some people can’t make it work while others can.”
“Well, I think many people get married for the wrong reasons. So, when the storms come through, their commitment to each other falls away, and they just start putting themselves first. You can’t sustain a relationship when you are only thinking of yourself. I guess in those cases, divorce may be their only option if they want to live happily.”
“So, you think divorce is an option if you’re not happy?” She wasn’t playing Devil’s advocate; she was sincere.
“Let’s put it this way, I can’t say if divorce should be an option for some people, but not an option for others. It’s just not an option for me.”
“Why’s that?”
“I wouldn’t get married unless I knew for certain it was ‘until death do us part.’”
“But you can’t see into the future. How do you know what you’ll want in fifty years?”
“I know I’ll still want you in fifty years.” I stopped her, and we turned toward each other. “Gracie, my parents aren’t divorced because they couldn’t be happy together. They didn’t stay together because they didn’t fight for their relationship. I will fight for us, Gracie.”
“Me, too.” She stood on her tippy-toes and kissed me on the cheek.
Twenty-seven
Gracie
I started going to Allen Street Park during the day with a loaner guitar just to get out of my apartment.
My guitar lessons with Yaz were amazing, and he let me borrow one of his extra guitars. He was such a free spirit and just let the “vibe guide us” through each session. What Sylvia had said really made sense, my apartment was a trigger. I thought of all the ways I could make new memories with Jake, but most of those were sexual in nature.
There were no words for how much I missed feeling his body pressed against me in bed. I assumed that was a sign that what happened that day with Noah wouldn’t affect the intimacy Jake and I shared. We kept up our movie nights and started late night trips to the Café just to reconnect and chat. It was hard trying to stay away from what my mind, soul, and body wanted most, but I didn’t want to give myself back to Jake until I was whole again. I could see that day on the horizon.
I sat with my legs crossed and my guitar, which I was growing quite attached to, nestled in the hollow space. My journal was open to the page I wrote “Whisper” on. I was trying to work out a melody for a song that represented my dysfunctional relationship with Noah. When I would get a chord progression just perfect, I would quickly write it down and play it over and over until I could play and sing simultaneously without thinking about it. Then I would move to the next portion of the song.
It was funny, I was certainly no rock star, but when I closed my eyes and belted out the lyrics seamlessly, I could see myself on a stage. Behind my eyelids, a movie short would play. I was at the mic, situated in front of the stool I sat on.
There was rarely anyone in Allen Street Park, which is why it was a perfect place to pract
ice. I’d spent hours here playing over the last couple weeks, and my only audience was a few old couples walking their dogs. If they walked close, I’d stop playing and pretend I was jotting something in my journal until they were at a comfortable distance. A few times, I was so into what I was playing and singing, I didn’t know anyone was there until I’d open my eyes to grab my pencil and passersby smiled and nodded in approval. But that was the extent of my audience. I had no interest in doing what Calon did. No way. I’d much rather be in front of the stage than on it.
My phone chimed from a missed call I hadn’t even heard. Proof I was really enjoying my time alone with Yaz’s guitar. I pulled it from my bag and hit the callback button.
“Gracie.”
“Hey, Calon.” I smiled; he didn’t even say hello. That’s when it hit me I’d never called him back after my night with the bottle of SKYY. After our intimate chat on the park bench, he became more of a person than an enigma. It was nice to have him as a friend. And Becki fully enjoyed their time together. According to her, they just talked on the nights he walked her back to her dorm, which surprised me. I’d assumed Calon was just as sexual as Becki. I knew she wasn’t lying. She would have told me if it had gone any further; she loved to brag about sex.
“I’m glad you called back. I hope you don’t mind I called.” I could hear music in the background and assumed Calon was probably never without his own soundtrack.
“I’m so sorry I forgot to call you back, Calon.”
“No, it’s cool. So, the reason I called is... The band is looking for someone fresh to be our opening act at the local shows until we leave to go on tour sometime in the fall.”
A pang hit my stomach when I realized he would only be around a few more months. I had enjoyed every time we spent together, and he had helped me a lot with the positive reinforcement for my writing.
“Oh, well, let me ask around. There are a couple musicians in my building.”
He chuckled, “No, dummy. I’m talking about you. Would you consider being our opening act?”
“You’re funny.” I snorted. “I’ll ask around for you.” This was such a different conversation that our last one. I liked not-so-intense Calon.
“Gracie, I’m serious. I can’t stop thinking about the song you showed me, and your voice is—”
“You have got to be kidding me. Listen to me, hot rock star. I seriously almost died of embarrassment that night you walked in on me singing at Mitchell’s. I only made it through that performance because I didn’t know you were there.”
“You think I’m hot?”
I giggled. “Shut up.”
“Gracie, you’ve got a shitload of talent, but I’m sensing I’m going to have to prove that to you to get you to say yes.”
“Calon, I can’t. I’m not a pro like you. When you’re up there, you are in a completely different place. You’re not at all concerned with not making a mistake or forgetting the words or playing the wrong chords. You just pour it all out.”
“Tell me honestly, have you ever done that? Even when you were alone with your guitar? Just let it all go like you were pouring out your soul?”
That’s what I’d been doing at the park. More than once I remembered feeling like I had left the planet and was on my own. It was one of the most beautiful experiences ever. Shit. He had me by the balls. I could lie, but the new, stronger Gracie spoke louder in my mind than the introverted one, and she was curious if I could do it again. I wanted to be that secure. The thought terrified me, but intrigued me all at the same time.
“Yes, I have done that, Calon, and it felt freaking incredible, but it was in the park for the squirrels or the living room of my empty apartment. Empty.”
“What if I told you I could teach you to let go enough to do it for a crowd?”
“Can I think about it?” Visions of me sitting at Mitchell’s on a stool, paralyzed with fear and drowning in my own sweat, was not a pretty picture.
“Of course you can think about it.”
If I decided to do it, I wasn’t sure how Jake was going to handle the thought of me spending more time with Calon. I wondered if he would flip out all over again. Sylvia said I was supposed to focus on me and let Jake handle his own insecurities. We would definitely need to talk about it before I made a decision, but the longer I actually entertained the thought, the more I wanted to do it. Well, try it, at least.
****
Later that night, as we sat on a bench on campus between iScream and our apartment, I decided to bring up Calon’s proposition and see what Jake’s initial reaction would be.
“So, Calon called me today.”
He raised his brow and nodded as he shoved a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.
“Remember his message about a proposition he had for me?”
Jake nodded and filled his mouth with another spoonful. I wondered if it was his way of keeping his mouth shut.
“He wants me to be the opening act for their local shows.” I scanned his face for any discernible unspoken response.
“Wow.” His voice was devoid of emotion. It was neither hot nor cold.
“Completely ridiculous, right?” I turned sideways and faced him so I could pick up on any fear or jealousy that crossed his face.
“I think that’s a pretty big compliment for how impressed he is with your talent. I’m proud of you, Gracie. What do you think?” He poked his finger into my bent knee perched against his leg.
“Honestly, at first, I thought he was a stupid loon. Then he asked me if I’d ever played and sung without hesitation. He meant, had I ever just let a song pour out of me with nothing holding me back.”
“You have. I heard it when you were in the shower Monday. Your voice is mesmerizing, Gracie. He’s not a loon. He can sense you’ve got it in you.”
“Okay, stalker, here’s what I was thinking. I can’t even believe I’m going to entertain this thought. I could use practicing with the band as a means to work on my self-confidence and my anxiety of being the center of attention. I doubt I’ll get to the point I could sit on the stage as AT’s opening act, but working through my fears using something I love, sounds promising.”
“You never know. What you have inside you is so beautiful. If you could put that into a song and exude it in a performance, it would be breathtaking. And I could be your groupie.”
I cracked up at the thought of Jake being a screaming fan. “You wouldn’t mind? I mean, it wouldn’t make you uncomfortable? I’d have to spend more time with Calon.”
“Gracie, without Noah holding you down and feeding you lies about what you’re capable of, you could open yourself to a lot of things that seem unexpected, but might be the best thing for you. Releasing all the pent up resentment and anger could be inspirational and healing for you.”
“I was thinking that, too, but please, don’t start referring to me as a rock star.” We giggled. “Are you sure, Jake? I don’t want this to be something influencing our relationship. It would be selfish if a choice I made caused stress between us.”
“Gracie, this is my thing. My hurdle. I’m a big boy. If this will help you heal, I would be selfish to stand between you and the opportunity to pour your heart out.”
I texted Calon immediately, before I changed my mind.
Me: I’m in.
Calon: Great! Talk soon.
What the hell was I doing?
Twenty-eight
Jake
I woke up when the sun shining through the blinds had heated the room to a temperature that was no longer comfortable for snuggling. I rolled over and watched Gracie sleep. I hopped out of bed and turned on the ceiling fan, hoping I’d fall back to sleep for a little.
When I climbed back into bed, Gracie squinted up at me before I lay back down. She’d fallen asleep in my lap the night before while we watched a movie, so she just stayed over. It was an innocent thing we used to do even before we were dating, so we knew it wouldn’t put any pressure on us. But when her eyes sprang ope
n, she looked me up and down, and an ornery grin spread across her face.
“You’re hot, Jake Rockwell.”
“There’s something wrong with you.” I ran my fingers through my bad case of bedhead.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She rubbed her eyes.
“I know that look. You’re turned on right now, and I look like hell.” I shook my head. We were in the midst of a strange balancing act. We flirted from time to time, but the boundaries were still in place. I really didn’t want to cross that line until we were both ready.
“That’s not how I would describe you right now.”
“Gracie Jordan, I have never been so proud of someone in my entire life.”
“Jake, please—”
“Hear me out. Your heart went through the ringer over the last two years, and your spirit was crushed. I watched it happen. And since walking away from Noah, you’ve reached out for help, made the decision to stand on your own two feet, and invested time into music and writing...something that moves your soul. It’s only the end of June, and you’re more secure and stronger than I’ve seen you in a long time.”
“I can feel it, too, Jake. Stepping out and taking chances while the people you trust most surround you makes those leaps of faith exhilarating, not terrifying.”
“It’s fun to watch, too.”
We lay facing each other. Silence overcame us. I was so proud of how far she’d come in such a short span of time. I had a hard time with things that triggered memories of Noah for me. I couldn’t imagine how smothering it must be for Gracie. Because of her creative nature, she experienced things more fully than most people. She didn’t just feel situations and emotions, she absorbed her surroundings. I couldn’t wrap my brain around how intensely painful all the memories from her relationship with Noah must be for her.
“Jake?”
“Yeah, baby girl?”
On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep Page 17
