by Jason Good
13. Act disinterested when he tries to tell you the story about that time he met Jackie Mason (maybe that’s just our pediatrician)
14. Eat a tuna fish sandwich in his office (this goes for all doctors, and anyone else, I guess)
Go Ahead and Camp
It’s easy to get too excited about the arrival of summer. Here are some things you should keep in mind before scheduling that family trip.
1. Starting a fire on purpose is really hard. Starting one on accident is very easy. It’s kind of like making a baby.
2. All the kids’ socks are wet within the first five minutes.
3. Your morning bathroom ritual will go from being your favorite part of the day to an hour of panic.
4. Your kids will each find a special rock, and one will promptly lose it. The entire weekend will be spent searching for the special rock.
5. You ever try to get a three-year-old to sit down? Now try it in a canoe.
6. Your child will develop a sudden fear of peeing outside (something he does all too frequently at home). Have fun taking him to the john in bare feet every hour.
7. You’ll spend approximately 75 percent of your day explaining “what that noise was.”
8. You’ll talk incessantly about buying an RV. You’ll never do it.
9. The guy at the campsite next to you might have a Confederate flag and call everyone “fella.”
10. Even expensive freezer bags can’t keep graham crackers dry.
11. Hiking involves a lot more arguing and carrying of children than you remembered.
12. Seeing a moose is not magical. It’s terrifying.
13. You’ll say, “I think that’s poison oak” at least forty times and be right twice.
14. No matter your sleep position, there will be an acorn under your hip.
15. Tent farts.
And it’s all totally worth it. Seriously, even the “cave rash” you’ll all contract.
Reasons to Avoid the Beach
I’ve given the beach plenty of chances. After five minutes, I’m sweaty, salty, and sting-y. That’s not even remotely tolerable when you’re alone, but when you also have two genetically unsuited children in tow it can result in side-by-side father/son tantrums.
1. Within thirty seconds of sitting down, both kids’ suits are filled with sand.
2. Three-year-old Arlo throws a fit because he can’t surf.
3. Silas trips and lands on a dead fish.
4. Arlo becomes obsessed with smelling Silas’s hair and screaming, “YUCK POOP FISH!”
5. The strap on Mommy’s top breaks, and a “creepy guy” sees her boob.
6. Since Daddy’s not an Eagle Scout, he can’t get the sun umbrella to stay up.
7. A gust of wind sends the sun umbrella flying down the beach. It lands on an attractive couple making out.
8. Arlo throws sand in Silas’s face = Day over.
9. Both kids fall asleep in the car on the way home and will now be awake until 10 P.M.
10. Everyone wants to go back to the beach next weekend because even suffering is kind of fun when we do it together.
The Five Perils of International Travel
Many people take their small children abroad with great success. I know this because they tell me—frequently. They are brave souls. I prefer to stay local for now. I need the comforts of home, plus I’m pretty sure that the ancient caves of Cappadocia would be lost on a five-year-old. My children are filled with wonder when we visit a new grocery store, so I’ll wait until they’re unimpressed by that before making reservations for four to New Zealand. Why do I feel like that? I’ll tell you.
1. Your kids won’t adjust to a time change until the day you fly home. Have fun getting up at 3 A.M. or being five hours late for everything for a week and a half. On the airplane, your kid will be bonkers, lifting and lowering the tray table incessantly and jumping up and down on his chair until the final five minutes of the flight, when he will fall asleep.
2. Wifi on flights is too slow for Netflix. So if you didn’t already download forty-seven episodes of his favorite show the night before, start taking advantage of the drink cart. Actually, scratch that. There’s nothing worse than being on vacation with kids while hungover.
3. You didn’t realize that kids need passports. Have a great trip home. Was the airport nice at least?
4. The milk is “weird” abroad. In Europe it’s unrefrigerated and packaged in a box. In parts of Asia they don’t even have milk. If you can get your kids to drink out of a coconut more than once, you’re a magician.
5. In some countries, your only TV options are local channels and CNN International. I hope your young ones enjoy watching the revolution in Mongolia or fifty-year-old Italian men laughing at boobs.
On Being a Role Model
“Do as I say, not as I do.” It’s a phrase people have been saying since Al Gore invented children. And for good reason: we all want our kids to be better than us, but we’re also old and set in our ways—either unable or unwilling to change ourselves and become better role models. Have you done any of these things?
1. Said, “Too much candy is bad for you” while opening a cupboard door to hide your face as you stuff it with M&Ms. (For more on this, see Safe Places to Eat Cookies, page 105.)
2. Yelled, “No yelling!”
3. Explained the importance of getting enough rest and then the next day explained that you’re tired because you stayed up until 3 A.M. trying to find something to watch on Netflix.
4. Told him you’re too tired to play tag, but then jumped out of your chair the moment you remembered there was ice cream in the freezer.
5. Without looking up from your phone, told your kid he’s “logged too much screen time today.”
6. Said, “Don’t talk like that, you’ll probably get in a sh*tload of trouble at school. I mean crapload . . . Just don’t say bad words, okay?”
7. Told him, “It’s important to respect the earth because it’s our home!” as you threw away half a carton of milk because you can’t fit it in the refrigerator.
8. Expressed how important it is to respect people’s things while kicking one of his toys out of the way so you could get to the coffeemaker.
9. From your position lying down on an adjacent sofa, told him to sit up straight.
10. In the midst of biting your fingernails, told your kid to relax and be present.
I guess we never learn, do we?
Eight Dangers of Green Parenting
Let’s be clear. By “green parenting,” I mean being high on pot. I may take some heat for this, but I can’t see anything good coming from it. Too many things can go wrong when you smoke LEGAL marijuana while parenting. I’m not just talking about the obvious stuff like accidentally setting yourself on fire or baking a prune cake. Actually, I am talking about those things. Here are some more. If you’re high right now you might not “get” this. And look, I know that LEGAL marijuana can be used very responsibly by people caring for children. Seriously. But things can go wrong.
1. Your phone might ring.
2. You could become confused and buy your kid a jean jacket.
3. A Lego piece will go missing. You’ll look for an hour, only to find it in your pants. But it’ll be a different Lego than the one that’s missing. In fact, you don’t even have this kind of Lego in your house. You become even more confused and buy your kid jean shorts.
4. You might get so hooked on an episode of Dora that you don’t notice your kid left the house.
5. You will eat all the graham crackers and drink all the strawberry milk.
6. Your son might ask for a sandwich and you can’t quite remember exaaaaactly what that is.
7. Your child might catch you petting the fern.
8. Your kid will say, “Daddy, you’re not a rabbit, you just put oven mitts on your head.”
What My Kid Dreams About
These are guesses, of course.
1. He makes friends with a hilarious chicken.
2. He’s stuffing his diaper with a dozen phones.
3. He’s on a raft with a beaver, a platypus, and a miniature elephant. They’re in a bathtub full of melted cheese. In the distance he hears the faint sound of morning birds. It’s 5 A.M. Time to wake up Mommy.
4. He’s in a play but doesn’t know his lines. (Even kids have this dream, right?)
5. He’s driving a car while screaming, “I’m totally driving this car!”
6. He’s riding a unicorn and screaming, “What’s happening? This weird horse has a horn! I’m totally riding a horse with a horn!”
7. He goes out into the backyard where he sees someone on his favorite swing. He knows it’s his brother but it looks like his grandfather. He yells “Boo Boo,” but his grandfather says, “No, I’m Silas. Your brother.” Then the grass turns into a mouth and swallows him. Time to wake up Daddy.
8. He’s forced to listen to a continuous loop of his mother saying, “I’ll be right back.” Time to wake up Mommy.
9. His teeth are falling out. (Usually indicates his fear of losing his “special” quarter.)
UNDERSTANDING YOUR CO-PARENT
All you really need to know is this: When your co-parent says, “Come help me,” what she or he really means is, “Please join me in suffering through this situation neither of us can control.”
You Deserve a Break
No matter how much we love our children, we’re also desperate to get away from them. Before having a family, taking out the garbage was a chore. Now it’s a thirty-second vacation. Other things that used to be a hassle but are now considered sweet gifts:
1. Power-washing the house
2. Picking up someone at the airport
3. Going to the dentist
4. Taking things to the dump
5. Donating stuff to the Salvation Army
6. Cleaning the gutters
7. Helping a neighbor power-wash his house
8. Unclogging the toilet
9. Giving blood
10. Searching for whatever it is in the house that smells bad
11. Canvassing the neighborhood
12. Vacuuming the car
13. Chaperoning a rave
14. Getting a wart removed
15. Going to physical therapy
16. Untangling cords
17. Filling out insurance forms
18. Jump-starting a stranger’s car
19. Printing something
20. Cleaning out a sump pump
21. Doing anything that involves driving
22. Taking the cat to the vet
23. Serving on a sequestered jury
24. Disposing of hazardous waste
25. Crop dusting
26. Manning the neighborhood polling place
27. Minor surgery
28. Getting car-jacked
29. Participating in a drug trial
30. Going to rehab
One Hour Inside My Wife’s Brain
The good news is: You aren’t doing this parenting thing alone, right? RIGHT? If you’re a single parent, JESUS HAROLD CHRIST. HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT? Send me your address and I’ll mail you forty hugs and a couple of bucks (money, not male deer). But co-parenting has its own difficulties. It’s important that I understand my wife. I spent some time writing down what I believed she was thinking about over the course of around three hours. I think this might only help the dads, though, but I’m no gender expert.
1. My phone just made a noise. I’ll get Jason out of the shower to ask him what it is.
2. I wonder if Silas will have a good singing voice.
3. I want to be outside ALL THE TIME.
4. Actually, forget that, I hate bugs.
5. I think Jason needs a pair of light-colored jeans. His black jeans only look good with colored shirts.
6. I want some cheese.
7. I bet my hair is really flat right now. I should fluff it up.
8. Oh, I’m gonna massage my own shoulder.
9. My kids understand me. All I need is my kids!
10. I can’t believe I drank caffeine. I’m so tweaked.
11. Jason drinks so much coffee. Is this how he feels all the time? No wonder he’s moody!
12. I think Jason should stop drinking caffeine.
13. I wonder if I’ll ever read a book again.
14. I want to move to L.A. or maybe the Virgin Islands, actually maybe Montana or Wyoming.
15. No, here’s good. I like it here. Really.
16. I wonder if Jason loves our cats as much as I do.
17. Where are my glasses?
18. Jason has never once known where my glasses are so I’ll ask him if he knows.
19. Someone broke in and stole my glasses.
20. Oh, here they are.
21. I think it would be okay for a married couple to stay married and committed but just live in different houses.
22. I bet Jason could get a tan. I mean, his arms are kinda tan so . . .
23. I wonder what kind of cheese we have.
24. I really like Jason’s eggplant-colored T-shirt. I should remind him that he looks good in that. I’ll text him now because otherwise I’ll forget.
25. I don’t believe in vitamins.
26. I could eat all my meals from the samples at Whole Foods.
27. Someone stole my keys. Never mind, here they are.
28. I think I’ll be on the PTA when Silas goes to school. I’m smart and have good opinions.
29. When does Trader Joe’s open in the morning? I want some more of those mini quiches.
30. Silas woke up crying at 10 P.M. I have to call Jason because he’s in the city and there’s nothing he can do about it, but I still want him to know it happened.
31. I think I could have been the Bachelorette.
32. Jason has a better sense of smell than I do, but I don’t think he hears things very well.
33. Note to self: Express concern to Jason about the volume of his headphones.
34. He’s driving back from the city so I’ll call him and tell him. No, actually I’ll text him. I hope he doesn’t text while driving. I wonder how fast he’s driving.
What Parents Say Instead of F*ck
After feeding, comforting, dressing, teaching, entertaining, and loving our children, the remaining 37 percent of parenting is trying not to say the F-word in front of them. But having been subjected to five straight years of sleep deprivation, my wife needs to let things fly sometimes. Being a good mom, she’s unwittingly created her own G-rated language of anger, frustration, and pain. Here are some of my favorites.
“MOTHER FRUIT!” “Mother fruit” comes in three colorful variations:
“Fruit on a fruit stick”
“Holy mother of fruit”
“Mother of fruit on a fruit stick,” and then, if she’s really mad . . .
“HOLY MOTHER OF FRUIT ON A FRUITIN’ FRUIT STICK”
Questions: What is a fruit stick? I’ve heard of fruit skin, fruit strip, and even fruit stripe (like the gum), but fruit stick sounds like part of a package air-dropped by the Red Cross. What is “mother of fruit”? I believe that would simply be a tree, but yelling “TREE” doesn’t really provide much satisfaction. Here are some other kid-friendly swears I’ve heard in and around the parent-sphere.
1. Son of a biscuit eater (the origin of this is obvious, but it makes absolutely no sense)
2. Sweet honey iced tea (predominantly used in the South)
3. Holy shiitake (clever way of tacking something on the end to make it G-rated)
4. Fudge crackers (this sounds like something Goofy would say when he’s mad)
5. Fudge muffin (I find this to be quite disgusting)
6. Fraggle Rock (unfortunately, this parent has “gone native”)
7. Bunnyfluffer (I vote no on this one)
8. Donkey crevice (I want to like this, but “crevice” kind of ruins it for me)
9. Sockcutter (again, I understand the origin, but this is
nonsense)
10. Manischewitz (used mostly on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and in Israel)
11. Philadelphia cream cheese (nice product placement!)
12. Fudgington valley (huh?)
13. Fire truck (another parent lost to the natives)
14. Melon farmer (this is desperate)
15. Fluffernutting Ice Capades (this parent might be having a stroke)
16. Mother of pearl (has a certain old-timey appeal)
17. Smurfin (no)
18. Farknarkles (we have a winner)
19. Fart nugget (I’ve used this one myself, but as a term of endearment)
20. Fudge puppets (too much fudge? I agree)
21. Hamburger patty (I like the inclusion of “patty” here)
22. Son of a birch bark canoe (I wonder if this parent has tried lithium)
23. Fuzz buckets (really rolls off the tongue and has just the right degree of absurdity, A+)
24. What the ham? (this person is hungry)
Of course, sometimes we fail, or simply really need to let a real one fly. It’s totally okay, just remember to give yourself a time-out afterward.
Home Schoolin’
There’s probably no better way to ruin a marriage than embarking on a joint teaching venture. Most parents can’t agree on how often children should bathe, which makes me hesitant to even imagine what would happen when it’s time to teach the kids about the JFK assassination. So unless one of you is already a teacher, or you’re in a traveling circus of some kind and have no other option, I suggest you avoid it. Here’s why we decided against it.
1. I recently had to Google “parallelogram.”
2. It took five tries for Google to even recognize that I was trying to spell parallelogram.
3. My wife thinks a trapezoid is a kind of triangle. (Is it?)
4. I get lost in the mall.
5. My wife believes in astrology but doesn’t know why fire is hot.
6. I’ve never successfully made a cursive upper-case D or S.
