by Jody Hedlund
“No. I’m not sorry for . . .” He glanced around, making sure they were alone. Then he lowered his voice and finished, “Of course I’m not sorry for kissing you, Mercy. I’d kiss you again in a second if I could.”
A flush flared in her cheeks. Did her question and that look mean she’d enjoyed kissing him as much as he had her?
The realization made him take a step closer. “I apologize for ill-using you, for taking advantage of the sadness and grief of the moment. You were not in your right frame of mind. And I am the lowest form of ocean scum and the foulest of creatures to have given you my affection in such a moment when I ought to have saved it.”
Saved it for whom? The question smacked him in the chest.
He’d vowed he would save his wholehearted devotion and affection for the woman he planned to marry. But what if that woman was Mercy? What if he threw aside caution and took her as his wife? Then he’d no longer have to feel guilty about liking her so much. In fact, perhaps marrying Mercy was the noble way out of his predicament.
“You’re being too hard on yourself, Joseph,” she chided lightly. “You meant well, and I did too. But we let the situation get the right best of us, that’s all.”
“I’m not too hard on myself. Rather, I’m not severe enough, and wish I could make amends to you.”
Her lips stalled around her words. Her expression said she wanted to assure him, but that she didn’t know how.
A fire sparked to life in his gut. All he could focus on was her mouth—her perfect, soft lips and the need to bend down and kiss her again. Even as he fought to restrain himself, he realized if he married her, he wouldn’t have to withhold himself any longer.
“I shall do the right and honorable thing by you, Mercy,” he said in a rush before he could find an excuse not to say it. “I shall make amends by marrying you.”
At a knocking nearby, Joseph glanced around the deck again. He saw no evidence of anyone there. As far as he could tell, they were still alone.
“Be my wife, Mercy.” He wanted to tug her into his arms and bury his face into the smooth span of her neck. But her eyes had widened, and her cheeks had changed from pink to pale in a single heartbeat.
Maybe he was going about this all wrong. Perhaps he ought to express himself better, tell her of his affection and how much he desired her. After all, Captain Hellyer had advised him not to put stock in class differences, hadn’t he?
“We don’t have to let your background and station stand in the way of our being together.” He waited, expecting her eyes to alight with gratitude and happiness that he was willing to overlook their enormous differences.
Instead, lines creased her forehead.
“Please say something,” he whispered.
“Aye. It’s a really kind offer for a woman like me, to be sure.” Her words sounded familiar. She’d said something akin to this when they were stuck together in steerage during the storm. And somehow, in both instances, the words didn’t sit right but rattled noisily in Joseph’s mind.
“We shall overcome any obstacles, you’ll see,” he assured, more for his own sake than for hers.
“I won’t know nothing about being the kind of lady you need, Joseph.”
“I shall teach you everything.”
“What if I can’t learn?”
“You will learn, trust me.”
She didn’t argue any further with him, but doubt emanated from her eyes.
The uncertainty knocked him off-balance. What was he doing proposing marriage to Mercy? Had he gone mad? Hadn’t he told himself he wasn’t ready for marriage, that he needed more time?
And what about Mercy? If he let her go with the other women into Victoria tomorrow, she’d find another man to be her husband. After all, that was what she’d come here for. From everything he’d heard, the men of Victoria were most eager to meet the women from the bride ship.
“I must admit,” he said, “I own to jealousy at the thought of you going ashore tomorrow and letting another claim you.”
“You needn’t worry on that score.”
“The fellows will take one look at you and fight over who’s to have you.” Though he tried to keep his voice light, darkness seeped into him at the very thought of another man claiming Mercy, touching her, kissing her.
She twisted her hands into her skirt and stared at the tips of her shoes sticking out from its very dirty hem. Finally, she looked up. “I’m not planning to get married, Joseph.”
He watched the play of emotions on her face—guilt, uncertainty, as well as resignation. “I don’t understand. Is that not why you came here? To find a husband?”
“Not at all. I didn’t know this was a bride ship till I was aboard. My plan is to find a job, not a husband. I need to prepare for when Patience arrives.”
“So you’re not going ashore tomorrow looking for a husband?”
She shook her head solemnly. “I got my heart set against marrying.”
He didn’t know whether he should try to convince her otherwise or accept her decision.
“I never did see a happy marriage,” she continued.
“That doesn’t mean yours has to be the same.”
“I’m not sure I’d know how to be different,” she admitted. “Though I’m trying hard not to be Twiggy, seems I’ve got more of her inside me than I thought.”
“No doubt we are all shaped by where we come from,” he said. “But can we not chart a new course for ourselves? You have already begun to do so, have you not?”
She was quiet and contemplative, so that the ringing call of the gulls overhead reminded him they’d reached land and were no longer adrift at sea.
“I’ve not only got my heart set against marrying but against having babes. And I wouldn’t never ask a man to give up having sons and heirs on account of me.”
“You don’t want to have any children?” After seeing how much love Mercy poured out upon others, especially the younger ones, her statement made no sense to him.
“Never,” she said forcefully.
“But why?”
“Can’t bring more babes into the world when there are already too many needing homes and help and love.”
“Have you considered that perhaps the joys of marriage and having a family help people to endure the difficulties of life?”
“I don’t rightly know.”
“Surely God doesn’t require that we deny ourselves pleasure until all problems are eradicated. Then none of us would ever find enjoyment in life, since this world will always have trouble.”
“But if we can ease the trouble, shouldn’t we do it?”
She sounded like Dr. Bates. Joseph didn’t like to think of his friend back in London, struggling to keep the Shoreditch Dispensary open by himself, but the thought had continually nagged him nevertheless. At times like this, his heart felt heavy with the guilt of abandoning Bates when he so needed the help. He prayed his friend had found a way to manage without him, yet deep inside he feared Bates would eventually have no choice but to close up his practice at the dispensary.
He couldn’t think of that now. Time was slipping away. He needed to return to the committee gathering before someone noticed he was gone and came looking for him.
“I am to assume, then, you’ve given me your answer regarding my proposal of marriage?”
She nodded.
“I cannot persuade you to change your mind?”
“No, Joseph.”
He wasn’t sure whether to feel relief or disappointment. “Can I at least persuade you to accept my apology?”
“It isn’t necessary.”
“You would ease my conscience if you kindly accepted it.”
“Very well.” Her tone contained a note of sadness.
Why was she sad? He studied her face, searching for clues. Was she distressed they wouldn’t be together? At their inevitable parting? Or that he hadn’t tried harder to win her hand?
He straightened his shoulders and lifted his head. He’d done more than most me
n would. And she clearly didn’t love him if she could refuse him like she did. Not that he’d expected love. In truth, he wasn’t sure what he’d expected.
“Good-bye, Mercy.” His confusion warred with his desire to have her. “I wish you the very best here on Vancouver Island. I pray you find everything you’ve hoped for.” The throbbing in his chest turned into a hard thudding. He needed to leave now before he did something he would later regret, such as pull her into his arms, kiss her, and plead with her to stay with him.
He forced himself to spin and walk away. He had to let her go. It was best for them both. Hopefully, his aching heart would learn the lesson soon enough.
twenty-four
Mercy leaned against her cabin door and tried to still her racing pulse. Her body screamed with the need to chase after Joseph and tell him she’d changed her mind, that she’d marry him, that she never wanted to leave him.
My stars. He’d proposed marriage. To her. And she’d turned him down.
She sank to her knees and buried her face in her hands. What had she done? All she’d had to do was say yes. One little word. And she could have stayed with Joseph and returned to that place where she was lost in his embrace, in his touch, and in his passion. That place where she could shut out her problems and pain. That place where, for just a little while, she could be happy.
“Surely God doesn’t require that we deny ourselves pleasure until all problems are eradicated.”
Joseph’s words burst back into her thoughts. He was a wise man and never failed to challenge her. And that was just one thing of many she loved about him. But for all his qualities she admired and the friendship they’d developed during the voyage, was that enough reason to get married?
She shook her head. Even as he’d proposed, she saw the relief in his eyes when she turned him down. He was attracted to her right well enough and thought he was doing the noble thing by her after their kiss, but there wasn’t a mite of thrill in him.
If she ever changed her mind and got married, she didn’t want a man who was marrying her out of guilt and obligation. Nor did she want a man who was only putting up with her background and station.
Instead, she wanted someone who couldn’t live without her and who loved her exactly for who she was. Aye, she’d want a man who thought being with her forever was just a bit exciting and not drudgery.
She’d never asked for much in life, had never expected more than her lot. Was she expecting too much now?
The question rose up to torment her. Everything Joseph had offered was like a fairy tale for a woman like her. Other women in much higher stations would covet the position she found herself in, to have his affection and his proposal of marriage. They wouldn’t have hesitated to accept him, no matter his motivation for asking.
“No, you little wretch,” she whispered. She’d made the right decision. Now she just had to convince herself of it.
A knock sounded on the door.
She sat up, her heart jumping into her throat. Had Joseph come back to plead with her? What if he declared his love? Could she turn him down a second time? Would she even want to?
The knock came again.
Pushing to her feet, she smoothed down her skirt. She hesitated before brushing stray strands of hair back, only then realizing her fingers were trembling. With a deep breath, she pulled open the door and at the same moment attempted a smile.
Mr. Scott stood before her, his shoulders rigid. “You have some explaining to do,” he stated too quietly.
“I didn’t think anyone on the welcoming committee would notice me gone. Honest.”
“Your familiarity with Lord Colville must cease at once.” His voice wobbled with an undercurrent of anger he was too pious to express.
The words silenced Mercy. Had Mr. Scott overheard her conversation with Joseph? If so, how much?
“’Course, sir,” she replied, curtsying at the same time she lowered her gaze. Urgency propelled her into doing whatever she had to in order to protect herself, even if that meant groveling at Mr. Scott’s feet. “There’s nothing betwixt Lord Colville and me, sir. Nothing at all.”
“It would appear you are in the habit of speaking falsehoods.”
“No, sir—”
“Silence, you upstart!” His voice rose, but then he quickly stretched his neck before speaking calmly once more. “I heard every word of your conversation just now.”
Mercy closed her mouth, her protest dying on her lips. Had he followed her or Joseph away from the gathering only to hide and listen to them?
He lifted his chin and seemed to be attempting to peer down his nose at her, except he only managed to reveal his nose hairs. “Not only have you been cavorting with the esteemed Lord Colville, but you have turned his pity upon you. You certainly do not think he cares about you other than how he might gratify his flesh?”
The bluntness of Mr. Scott’s words slapped Mercy, leaving her mortified.
“No?” Mr. Scott said. “You are a greater fool than I thought if you believe for one moment a man of Lord Colville’s station has any inclination toward you.”
“I didn’t know. Leastways I didn’t think so.”
“Believe me, girl, I know.”
Girl. She thought back to the last time Mr. Scott called her this, when with Joseph, and how he hadn’t liked it, how he’d taken her side.
She’d accepted her place in life. As a poor woman, she was the lowest of the low, a nobody. She’d never questioned her station or how others treated her . . . until Joseph.
Was Joseph right? Was Mr. Scott showing a lack of respect for her as a person? She and the poor girls were every bit as much human beings as the wealthy ladies on the ship. Why should he speak with them more kindly and with more dignity than he did to her and the others of her class?
Silence stretched out between them. Though she was tempted to peek at him and gauge his expression, she kept her head down.
“You cannot imagine the shame that would come to the Columbia Mission Society and to the illustrious sponsor of our trip, Miss Angela Georgina Burdett Coutts, if you carry forth with enticing Lord Colville into marriage.”
Enticing? Mercy flinched. Was that what everyone believed she’d done to Joseph—entice him?
“Not only would such a union cause a scandal and disgrace for Lord Colville, it would disgrace the Mission Society, Miss Coutts, and all the other sponsors. They would become the laughingstock of London.”
Mercy hung her head further. She surely didn’t want to cause a scandal for Joseph or humiliate him.
“Oh my, oh my.” Mr. Scott’s voice began to rise again. “And you can guess where the blame for the scandal will fall most heavily, can you not?”
She shook her head.
“It will fall directly upon me.” His tone was laced with genuine anxiety that bordered on panic. “I shall be ruined. Reverend Thomas Nettleship Staley, the newly consecrated Bishop of Honolulu, will suspend my license and perhaps ban me from service altogether. I shall be sent away and will lose all hope of patronage from any of England’s fine and noble families.”
Mercy didn’t understand half of what Mr. Scott was saying. But it was clear enough that Joseph couldn’t marry her, not even if she wanted it—which she didn’t. He’d not only embarrass himself, but it would bring shame to everyone involved in the bride ships.
“What shall I do?” Mr. Scott began to pace the deck outside her door with his short, choppy steps. “What shall I do?”
“You needn’t worry, sir.” She wrapped her arms around her middle to ward off a chill that came from the inside out. “Nothing’s to come betwixt Lord Colville and me.”
Mr. Scott swung his hands back and forth vigorously, picking up his pace, walking five steps before turning and walking five more, then repeating.
Surely the reverend had heard her earlier when she’d told Joseph no, that she wouldn’t marry him.
“How can he resist the temptation?” Mr. Scott murmured. “With such beguiling w
omen enticing him at every turn and swaying his good judgment? He may very well continue the pursuit. Unless I am able to deter him . . .”
“I vow I won’t sway him—”
“Lord Colville will most certainly thank me later for saving him from ruin and dishonor.” Mr. Scott’s voice grew louder with conviction as he continued his pacing. “Once we are away from the lair of the temptress, he will see how he was nearly seduced and ruined. In gratefulness to my service, he will no doubt wish to become my patron himself.”
Abruptly, Mr. Scott halted. With a somber face and wide eyes, he lifted his chin and peered up at Mercy again. “I shall hold myself personally responsible for finding you an appropriate husband. In fact, doing so shall be my priority when we go ashore. I shall make sure you are married before I leave for Hawaii, and I shall perform the ceremony myself.”
Mercy swallowed hard. “But . . . there’s no need to trouble yourself, sir. Please, I’m right sure I’ll be able to take care of that on my own.”
“Since you explicitly told Lord Colville that you had no intention of finding a husband among the waiting men, then it would appear you do indeed need my assistance.”
Her heart plummeted. “No, sir—”
“Not only would your marriage ensure that Lord Colville will remain unscathed and free from scandal, but you must also consider the kindness of the Columbia Mission Society. They graciously paid your expenses to travel here to Vancouver Island with the end goal of marriage and with the ideal of helping to populate and so colonize this heathen land with good Christian families.”
Mercy tried to think of a rebuttal, but her mind was blank.
“The influence of wives,” Mr. Scott continued in the monotone he used for delivering sermons, “cannot be understated in taming a man’s wild nature and regenerating his lost soul. After all, Scripture clearly states that God created Eve because He determined it is not good for man to be alone. That is our mission and that is the prime reason for this voyage.”
“But it won’t make much difference if one woman chooses not to marry, will it?”
“The men here are expecting brides,” Mr. Scott said firmly. “And that is exactly what we shall deliver to them.”
