by Jody Hedlund
The pain of losing the man she loved.
Aye, she loved Joseph. She hadn’t wanted to, but the truth was obvious now. She loved him deeply and passionately. And she’d gone and let him sail away without her.
She buried her face in her hands as wave after wave of silent sobs shook her body. The aching in her chest and throat was raw, and she didn’t know if she could bear it. A part of her wanted to simply give up. But she forced herself to release her grief, even though it was excruciating, and prayed that the pain of it would eventually diminish.
“Oh, God,” she whispered, “I’ve blamed you for so long, figured you didn’t care. But I’m guessing you care even more about the lost ones than I do, that you’re feeling the sorrow right well enough, but that you keep on loving.”
Was that what she needed to do—let her sorrow increase her ability to love?
“Mercy?”
She sat up with a start. Gulping back her sobs, she swiped at her cheeks at the same time that she glanced over her shoulder.
It was Joseph. He stood only a few paces away with his chest rising and falling as though he’d been running. His hat was gone and his hair mussed. He looked in the direction of the harbor and the wharf before turning back to her. “You might not want to see me again, but I was aboard the steamer and noticed you by the wharf.”
She slid off the boulder and wiped her cheeks once more. Joseph had seen her? And then followed her here? She turned to face him but couldn’t speak past a new ache in her throat.
“I’ll go back if you would rather be by yourself.” As he studied her, his eyes widened with concern. “What happened? Why are you upset?”
She wanted to ask him why he was still here, why he wasn’t on board the Tynemouth, only she couldn’t formulate the words. Instead, more tears slipped down her cheeks.
He took a step closer to her, then stopped. “Please, Mercy, tell me what’s wrong.”
She held out his letter and the ring as if they explained everything.
“You read my note.” His handsome face appeared haggard with dark circles under his eyes.
She shook her head. “I tried,” she finally managed to say, “except I can’t read but a few words here and there.”
“I’m sorry. I should have realized . . .”
“It’s alright.” She knew she ought to feel embarrassed, even ashamed by her admission, but somehow it didn’t matter.
“It doesn’t say much.” His attention dropped to the ring she now wore on her finger. “I just wanted you to have Sarah’s ring. But I apologize if it upset you.”
There was so much she wanted to tell him, about finally facing her past, about releasing all the pain, and yet she didn’t know where to start and wasn’t sure if she could get the words past the tightness in her throat.
“I didn’t mean to disturb you,” he continued, glancing back at the harbor again. “I should return to the steamer. The captain said he’d delay only a little while on my account.”
She followed his gaze to the steamboat, still billowing black smoke. She wanted to tell him not to go, to stay with her, but she knew that wasn’t fair. Maybe she’d changed, but their circumstances hadn’t.
Even so, she’d nearly lost him, and now that he was here, standing so close, how could she let him go?
He shoved his fingers into his hair and looked as though he was about to speak. Then he dropped his hand and let his shoulders slump. “Good-bye, Mercy.”
Good-bye? Again?
He spun and began to stride away.
Her heart chased after him, willing him to stop. She had to do something. She couldn’t lose him. Run after him. Don’t let him get away! Her mind screamed at her, even as tears began to slide down her cheeks once more.
“I love you.” The words fell out, the only thing she could say, the only thing left.
His footsteps faltered and then he stopped. But he didn’t turn around.
“I love you, Joseph,” she said, louder this time. If they loved each other, surely they could find a way to overcome the obstacles that threatened to keep them apart.
Slowly he pivoted until he was facing her.
She tried to read his expression through her tears, but he was only a blur.
“I want to be with you,” she continued. Now that she’d set her feelings free, she wanted to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him. But she knew he was too considerate to ask her again after he’d already done so twice, and after she’d rejected him both times.
It was her turn now.
She rubbed her sleeves against her tear-stained cheeks and started toward him. He didn’t move but remained frozen in place. Except for his eyes, which were dark and fathomless, following her every move.
When she was standing in front of him, she reached for his hand and took a measure of courage when he didn’t pull away. Without breaking her gaze from his, she lowered herself to one knee. “I want to be with you, Joseph. You and none else. I’d be right happy to marry you, if you’ll still have me.”
“I wanted to give you your freedom, Mercy,” he whispered hoarsely. “I don’t want you to be pressured into marrying anyone, not even me.”
She brought his hand to her lips and pressed a kiss on the back of it. “You’re not pressuring me at all, Joseph. This is what I want. You’re what I want, and I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”
His fingers tightened around hers, but otherwise he didn’t seem to react to her declaration.
Her heart quavered at the prospect that he’d changed his mind about her. For just an instant, her old insecurities taunted her that he regretted his earlier proposals. “It’s not too late, is it, Joseph?”
He tugged her up, giving her little choice but to stand. Once she faced him, she tried to quell her trembling but couldn’t. Had she lost him this time for good? He lifted a hand to her cheek, hesitated, then gently combed back a loose strand of her hair.
“I’m finished running away from God,” Joseph said quietly but with conviction, which told Mercy he’d found peace at last. “The captain of the Callie Ellen is waiting for me to board. I’ll be going to San Francisco. From there I shall return to England directly, where I shall endeavor to take up my father’s causes in Parliament, as well as work at the Shoreditch Dispensary with Dr. Bates.” Joseph studied her face as if waiting for her reaction to his news.
“Then you’re not a-going on the Tynemouth to the Hawaiian Islands or any of the other places you wanted to visit?”
“I’ve realized that was simply an excuse to avoid returning home. I wrote two letters last eve, one to you with the ring, telling you of my plans to return to London, and the second to Captain Hellyer of the Tynemouth, informing him that I wouldn’t be sailing aboard his vessel. I sent an assistant in my stead.”
She searched his eyes for any sign of disappointment or wavering or even regret, but his eyes were filled with confidence, with contentment.
“Before I left London, Dr. Bates asked me to take up the partnership with him at the dispensary. I tried to ignore the need, to run away from God’s call, because I didn’t want to stay in London and face the emptiness of my life there without my family. But I’m ready to go back now and help Bates. He needs me, and the community needs our medical practice.”
It was her turn to reach up and touch his cheek. She did so tentatively at first, brushing her fingers along his jaw. It was bold, but she had to make him understand the depth of her love. “I’m right proud of you. You’ll make a big difference there in the slums, that you will.”
He nodded, swallowed hard, then took a deep breath. “I couldn’t ask you to go back to London, Mercy. It wouldn’t be fair, not after you’ve come this far to get away—”
She laid two fingers against his lips, cutting him off. “I’ll go.”
He started to speak again, but she pressed her fingers more firmly.
“I want to go,” she said earnestly. “All I’ve ever wanted to do is help my people
.” Maybe her sorrows and hardships had all been part of the training for the greater things God had in store for her to do with Joseph. For so long she thought God had abandoned her. Was it possible He’d been there all along, even through the difficulties, making her stronger, working things out in His way so that eventually she’d be ready to go back?
“What about the scandal of our being together?” she asked. “I don’t want to be causing you to lose your good name and reputation.”
“It doesn’t matter what others think,” he stated. “Besides, I have a feeling we’ll be too busy with the work God gives us to care about such things.”
She hoped he was right. Even if they spent their time in the slums, she hoped she could lay claim to Mrs. Moresby’s situation and learn to be the kind of lady Joseph might need from time to time. Whatever the case, she knew she couldn’t let anything stop them from being together this time.
“Are you sure you don’t have your heart set on having a new life here?” he asked.
“I want to work by your side, Joseph. Wherever that is, I want to be there helping you every day.”
The velvety brown of his eyes caressed her. He shifted his lips against her fingers, moving down until the warm curve of his mouth connected with the soft flesh of her palm.
Without taking his gaze from hers, he pressed his mouth against her skin more fully as if making a claim upon her.
She sucked in a sharp breath. “Is this a yes to my marriage proposal?”
“No,” he said, wrapping an arm around her waist and sliding her closer. “This is.” His mouth found hers, covering and consuming her.
She let her fingers glide up his torso along the hard contours of his chest and shoulders and gave herself over to the pleasure of the kiss. This was where she wanted to be, the place she never wanted to leave. With him, in his arms, and by his side. Forever.
With a soft sigh, he broke the kiss and drew her against his body. The rapid rise and fall of his chest and the erratic thump of his heartbeat told her he was just as affected by their kiss as she was.
“Mercy?” he whispered.
“Hmmm.”
“I love you and want to marry you today.”
She pulled back to look into his beautiful eyes. She couldn’t help but smile at the eagerness there. “Today? On board the steamer?”
“I’ve just decided I’m not leaving on that steamer.”
“You’re not?” She tugged away a little further, needing to put more distance between them so she could think clearly.
“I don’t think God will mind if I wait here in Victoria a short while longer. Until Patience arrives and we make sure she’s settled into her new life here.”
At the tenderness in Joseph’s eyes, she linked her arms around his neck and stood on her toes so that her mouth found his again. She leaned into him, letting her kiss tell him how much she desired and loved and needed him.
A clearing throat nearby interrupted them. Mercy jumped at the sound and would have moved away from Joseph had he not kept his arms securely locked around her waist.
“Lord Colville?” came a tentative voice. A uniformed steward stood a short distance away, his face red and his eyes averted.
“You may tell the captain I’ve been unavoidably detained,” Joseph said, giving Mercy a sly grin. “If you would be so kind as to unload my trunk and other bags, I will more than make up for the inconvenience.”
“Very well, my lord.”
As soon as the steward started to walk away, Joseph pulled Mercy close again. “Now, where were we?” Thick desire melted the brown of his eyes into a warm liquid that threatened to drown her.
“We were speaking of our marriage plans,” she replied.
As he bent to kiss her, she eagerly lifted her lips to his, relishing the feathery kiss that only made her impatient for more.
“Though I want to marry you today,” he said, tilting his head back, “shall we wait until Patience is here? I should like a family member to see us wed.”
Tears sprang to her eyes at the sweetness of his words. Still, she had to be honest with herself about Patience’s arrival. She’d been clinging to the hope that Patience would survive the workhouse. But if she was truly going to start facing her heartaches, then she had to acknowledge the reality that Patience had been near to dying. If her sister was too ill for the passage aboard the Tynemouth, she’d likely be too ill for the Robert Lowe as well.
“I’m afraid Patience won’t be making it here,” Mercy said, her voice breaking at the thought of losing her sister.
Joseph didn’t say anything but instead looked into her eyes as though attempting to peer into her soul.
“My sister was dying when I left her.” Mercy spoke the words even as her heart broke to say them. “She made me leave so that I wouldn’t see her die.”
“And she made you leave so you could have a better life than she did.”
“Aye.” Mercy thought back to the last time she’d seen Patience at the workhouse and her words “You know I’ll always love you.” Had Patience known it was good-bye forever?
“If she has half your strength, Mercy, then she’ll pull through and get well.”
“Do you think so?”
Joseph wrapped her into an embrace. “I don’t know, but let’s pray she survived.” For a long moment, he just held her. After losing his family, he, more than anyone, could empathize with her. His arms tightened about her as if assuring her that he understood.
You’d be proud of me, Patience, she thought. Her throat burned and her eyes stung. I’m here. I’m with the man I love. And I’ll be okay.
“Would it help if I sent Dr. Bates a telegram?” Joseph whispered against her ear. “I have already sent him one, letting him know I’m returning. But I shall send him another and have him inquire at the workhouse to discover what has become of Patience.”
Mercy blinked back tears and met Joseph’s gaze, filled with love and compassion. She couldn’t find the words to respond to this man, who had captured her body and soul. So instead she offered him herself, giving her answer in the crashing of her lips against his—a sea-tossed kiss that tilted her world and threatened to sway her off her feet.
She sensed they were both losing themselves in the kiss when he wrenched away. Gasping for breath, she buried her face in his chest. His heartbeat thumped wildly against her cheek. Their passion was untamed and would be difficult to resist. The less waiting they had to endure, the better.
Even now, as his lips found the soft pulse at her neck, she dug her fingers into his coat and bit back a cry.
“My stars, Joseph.” She forced herself to break free of his hold and tried to take a deep breath.
“Am I so irresistible?” He grinned but didn’t make a move toward her, though his eyes said he wanted to sweep her up and kiss her until she was breathless again. “So irresistible that you rejected two of my proposals of marriage?”
She let her fingers glide along his cheek into his hair. “I’m right sorry for causing you more sorrow.”
“I suppose God knew I needed to find the ring and make sure my priorities were in their proper place first.”
She looked down at Sarah’s ring on her finger. God had done the same with her.
“I’m finally ready to go back and face my past,” he said. “And I would be honored to have you by my side for as long as we both shall live.”
She guessed they both still had much to learn about dealing with the pain that life often brought. But together they’d find the joy amidst the heartache. “I don’t want to be anywhere else but with you.”
He bent in and let his lips touch hers again, the sweetness and softness stirring her hunger for him. His lips against hers had the ability to sweep her away, making her forget everything and everyone, so that only he existed.
This time she pulled away. “Oh, Joseph . . .” she whispered, her heart too full to find the words to express herself.
“I love you,” he said. “Most abund
antly.”
“Aye.” She smiled. “Your kisses are abundant to be sure.”
He grinned in return. “I did once warn you that I am most reservedly saving my love for only one woman, the woman I plan to marry, and that I shall have an overflowing abundance of affection to bestow on her alone.”
Overflowing abundance of affection. The eloquent words fanned warmth into her veins.
He let his gaze linger on each part of her face, her brow, cheeks, nose, mouth, neck. A smoldering passion and love shone from his eyes. “I vow to you a lifetime of my affection, Mercy. Forever and always.”
Joy pulsed with each beat of her heart. God had indeed taken her on a voyage. Through it all, He’d done a mighty work inside her, changing her, teaching her to truly love, and making her ready for even greater things to come.
She couldn’t ask for anything more.
thirty-three
There you are, sweet lamb.” Mercy rocked the infant, swaying back and forth on her feet. The tiny brown face was delicate and beautiful, even with newborn swelling and redness that would eventually fade. The babe’s mother slept on a cot only a foot away, exhausted after a grueling labor and subsequent surgery. The woman seemed heedless of the cold, cramped, windowless shed that was filled with crates and boxes containing an assortment of medical supplies.
Though everyone else in Victoria’s small hospital wanted to send the native woman away, regardless of her miner husband’s pleas, Joseph had intervened. After assuring the staff that the woman wasn’t infected with smallpox, Joseph had been allowed to bring her into a supply shed outside the hospital, where he tended to her all through the previous night, delivering a daughter at dawn.
The miner had wept his gratitude and had only just left after Mercy insisted he find himself a hotel room to get some much-needed sleep. For all the condemnation the miners received for intermarrying with natives, Mercy had no doubt this one loved his wife dearly. At the first sign of his wife going into labor, he’d traveled tirelessly for miles out of the mountains to bring her to a doctor. He’d gone without sleep for days in his attempt to save her life, along with that of his unborn child.
