“I’m probably being irrational, but I can’t stop these feelings. That’s what having a trigger is. It’s not something I can control.”
I hold my hands up to stop her before she goes any further. “I’m not asking for your redheaded anger directed at me. All I’m saying is the situations aren’t alike.”
“I know that!” she snaps.
“He’s going through a lot right now. Just try to be patient.”
She takes several deep breaths. “You’re right. I know that too, but it’s really hard for me. It’s not in my nature to let things go.”
I laugh, because it’s true. “I’m not saying let it go, but push pause for a bit. You don’t want to cause irreparable damage.”
She holds her hands up in surrender. “You just said the same thing mom did. Fine, I’ll back off.” She stands.
“You’re leaving?”
“I need to get home. I have papers I need to grade. I’m really okay. I feel much better about the situation.”
I’m a little surprised by her sudden change, but even that isn’t unheard of for my sister. Sometimes, she has to talk something to death before she can get peace. Hopefully, she’ll be able to come to terms with how things have to be for now.
Chapter Fifteen
Judson
“Laney, now’s not a good time.”
“But …”
“I know I said I’d try, but like I told you last night, some things have come up that I need to deal with. I can’t … now’s just not a good time.”
“Okay, I can come back later or tomorrow.”
“No. Just … look, I can’t do this with you right now.”
She looks angry, rightfully so. “What do you mean you can’t do this with me right now? What is it that we’re doing?”
“I don’t mean to upset you, but this case … it’s just brought a lot of things to the surface. I need to deal with them before I get involved with someone.”
“A little too late for that,” she snaps.
“Please, don’t be mad. I don’t expect you to understand. I’m just asking you to give me some space. You don’t know what it’s like to lose your child … children. You don’t know what it’s like to lose everything you loved. I just can’t do this with you right now.”
“I understand better than you think, Judson.” She turns and walks away.
I watch Laney storm down my porch steps and jump into her car before she speeds off down my driveway. I want to call out to her, to stop her, but there’s no point. I can’t continue this … whatever this is with her. I won’t let someone else lose their life because of me. No matter how much it kills me to push her away, I will.
I head out to my workshop to get my mind off this mess, but what I really want is a drink. I keep telling myself I’m not an alcoholic, but maybe it’s time I admit that I am, because this craving I have right now is almost too much for me to bear. Almost, because I won’t go back to the bottle. I grab my axe and decide to chop down a tree. Sure, a chainsaw would be faster and easier, but the exertion will help me process the situation I’m in.
I head out in to the woods surrounding my house to look for the perfect one. I have an order for a rustic bed and I need two more posts for the footboard. It takes time to find the right tree. It has to be an oak with a long trunk, roughly the same width the whole way up, no major curves or knots on it, and no deep holes. I walk for quite a while before I finally find one that will work. My alcohol cravings, anger, and sadness have started to recede since I’ve been out here. Of course, it’s still there, but I choose to focus on the tree in front of me and the axe in my hands.
I raise it above my head at an angle and swing with all my power. I raise it again and again, over and over, until my breath is choppy and my muscles are aching. The tree falls to the ground, but I don’t stop. I chop into the stump, breaking it up into tiny bits. When all the strength I possess has completely drained out of me, I drop the axe and scream as loud as I can before falling to my knees sobbing.
“How much more can one person handle!” I yell at the blue sky that mocks me in its calmness. It shouldn’t be so beautiful when I’m so miserable.
Time passes and I eventually calm down enough to chop the limbs from the tree. I strap on the harness I’ve made to pull the tree to the house. It isn't huge and slides easily across the ground, but by the time I’m to my house, I’m exhausted. I unstrap myself from the harness and leave it with the tree at the edge of the woods as I stumble into my house. I grab the first thing I see in my refrigerator and guzzle it down. Then I throw the empty bottle of apple juice into the trash. My phone rings. It’s Laney. I don’t answer and it goes to voicemail. I hit the play button and listen.
“Jud, I know you don’t want me around right now and that’s okay. I understand you need time to deal with everything going on. I just want you to know that I’m here for you whenever you’re ready. I won’t push and I mean that. If and when you’re ready to talk, please call me or come by my house. Just, please stay out of the bar. Your sobriety is important.” There’s a pause, then she almost whispers, “Bye.”
The soft click of her hanging up wrenches my heart, but I’ve made the right choice. Her safety is more important than my need for her. I don’t deserve her anyway.
~*~
I wake up the next morning in a worse mood than I was last night. I was plagued most of the night with dreams of my family dying, but this time, it was Laney instead of Shannon and Shannon sits off to the side laughing. Or I would see Josie in different places and no matter how hard I’d run to her, I’d never reach her. Her cries for me woke me every time. Over and over, there was nothing I could do to help her … to help either of them.
I sigh and stretch my sore muscles as I prepare to run the trail around my property. As the blood circulates through me, my breath hitches from exertion. I feel alive. It’s good to finally be out here and to stretch my legs. I’ve needed this. One of the things I love most about running on this old path is feeling close to my grandfather. Another is hearing nothing but the sounds of nature.
Today is no different than any other day, except when I’m almost to the pond, a movement to my right catches my attention. It’s too large to be an animal, unless Sasquatch is real, which I know it’s not. I slow my run and jog back a bit to try to see what it could be. A figure stands to the side of a huge tree, but it’s so far back, and it’s not completely light out yet, so I can’t see any specific details. I can’t even tell if it’s a man or a woman.
“Hello?” I call out to the figure, but it doesn’t move.
The figure just keeps standing there, staring at me, but I can’t really see its face well enough to tell. I’m starting to get the distinct impression that the figure is a man. Not sure why, maybe just the way the person is standing, but my gut says it’s a guy, which has me on defense. I start to walk in his direction, but I trip. Looking down, I see the loop of my shoestring has caught on a fallen limb. I quickly lean down, fixing the problem, and get back up. The figure is gone.
“Hello? Do you need help?” I call as I walk towards where I saw him.
I don’t find anything when I arrive at the tree where I saw him, absolutely no evidence of anyone being there. There’s no trail or path a person could have traveled. Maybe all the stress is causing me to lose my mind and I’m seeing things. I head back to the trail and finish out my run, but I can’t seem to clear my head or focus on the calm that running normally gives me. I can’t get that image out of my head. It had to have been a person, but if it was, why didn’t I see any type of tracks or evidence that someone had been there? I’m really losing my mind.
Once I’m home, I jump into the shower to wash off my run before dressing and heading out to the station. I want to check with Ryan about Grant and then I need to see my parents. I’ve pushed them away long enough and it’s time they knew what’s happening with me. Before I tell them though, I know I need to speak with Ryan. I don’t want to do anything
to jeopardize this case.
The officer at the front counter looks a little annoyed with life, but he gives me a fake smile. “What can I help you with?”
“I’d like to speak with the Chief.”
“Judson, right?”
“Yes, sir.” The officer nods his head then picks up a phone and calls Ryan.
Ryan pokes his head out of his office and waves me back. “Hey, what brings you by?”
“Just wanted to check on Grant and I decided to go see my family. I don’t know what’s okay to tell them.”
Ryan nods and rubs his chin. “Grant’s fine. I’m taking him to speak with the FBI about the case.” I nod. I don’t really want details, but I’m glad Grant is actually helping. “Telling your parents might be tricky. I mean, you trust your family, I’m sure, but this is an ongoing investigation. The FBI is actually taking over part of the case, so I really need you to hold off on telling them much. Just stick to the basics. You didn’t do it, and you don’t know who did. Tell them I’m working on it, and you’ll tell them more when you can. I hate to do that, but if anything gets out about your daughter, the people involved might know Grant talked.”
“Right. I can do that. I mean, I really don’t have the details anyway. I know Grant is involved, but I don’t know how. So, it’s probably best kept to myself for now. Do you have any leads on Josie?”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m meeting with the FBI today, so hopefully we’ll be getting something soon. Hang in there.”
“Thanks for everything, Ryan.”
I leave the station and head straight to my parents’ house. Once I arrive, I sit in my truck for a few minutes, gathering up the courage to go to the door. After several minutes have passed, I realize that I can’t stall any longer. Once at the door, I feel awkward entering their house as I’ve done in the past, so I knock.
“Coming,” a voice from behind the door says.
I haven’t heard my mother’s voice in so long. My eyes sting with unshed tears. How could I have shut them out for so long? The door swings open and she stands in the doorway with a smile on her face. It’s something I didn’t realize I had missed until I saw it again.
“Judson?”
Her expression changes from joy, to confusion, then to relief, in a span of only a few seconds. She pulls me into her arms and squeezes me tightly. My breath hitches as my arms wrap around her as well. I can feel the tears under the surface, but I need to hold them back.
“Oh, sweetheart,” she says sweetly, as she gently pats my back.
That’s all I can take. I’m unable to hold it back any longer. My mother is the kindest and most caring woman in the world. I know these past four years have been rough on her. I’ve caused her so much pain, it breaks my heart even more.
“Don’t cry. Everything will be okay. You’ll see.” She pulls back and cups my face in her hands, wiping at the few stray tears. “Come inside. Let me get you something to eat and drink.”
“Water is fine. I’m not hungry,” I say as I take a seat in her all too familiar living room.
She brings me a bottle of water then sits on the coffee table in front of me. “I’m so happy you’re here, but what brings you by?”
“I know you guys heard about my arrest.”
She nods. “Yes, your father and I went to try and bail you out. We knew you didn't do such an awful thing, but they said we couldn’t. There was no bail set. Is that even legal?”
I rub the back of my neck. “Well, I asked them not to let you guys see me or help me in any way.”
She looks taken aback. “What? Why?”
“Ryan knew I was innocent. I didn’t want you wasting your time or money on me.”
“It wouldn’t have been a waste, sweetheart. We love you. We wanted to help you.”
I know they have wanted to help me for so long, but I just can’t let anyone right now. I change the subject. “Where’s Dad?”
“Oh, you just missed him. He went to Brantsville today. He needed a few things from the hardware store.”
I nod my head. “Maybe we can go to dinner tonight. Catch up?”
“Of course. We’d love that. How about five at Mooney’s?”
I start to agree, but remember my promise to Laney not to go to Mooney’s. I can’t give her much right now, but I can at least give her that. “Uh, I’d rather go somewhere else. What about Jose’s? I haven’t had Mexican in a while.”
“Sure, sounds great. You don’t have to rush off now, though. Let me fix you lunch?”
“Okay. Thanks.”
It’s true what I said earlier, I’m not really hungry, but I can see the need in her to do something, so I agree and follow her to the kitchen. Mom busies herself with fixing me a sandwich and cutting up some fresh vegetables for the side. She makes herself a salad and then sets everything on the table, refusing the help I’ve offered.
“You look well. Much better than the last time I saw you.”
She doesn’t mean it badly, but I’m embarrassed at how I let myself go. I swallow my food and clear my throat. “Yeah, I’ve been taking better care of myself.”
“You got a haircut too.”
“I did. Laney Jacobs cut it for me.”
She smiles. “I’ve always liked that girl. It’s a shame what happened to her.”
I look at my mother puzzled. “What happened to her?”
“You know, her husband divorcing her after their baby died.”
I freeze. How had I not known this? We talked for hours a few weeks ago and even talked about her divorce. Why hadn’t that come up? No wonder she kept saying she understood. She had lost a child too and I had been totally insensitive about it. I think back to last night when she came to my house. I didn’t really want her questioning things so I didn’t let her in, but I stepped out on the porch. I’d already asked her the night before when Grant was there to not come back, but she is the most stubborn and … beautiful person I’ve ever met.
“Jud, are you okay?” I shake my head from my thoughts and smile at my mother.
“I’m fine. I didn’t know Laney had lost a child.”
“It was years ago. It’s probably not something she talks about much.”
“Probably.”
I pick at the rest of my food while Mom makes small talk. My mind is on so many things. Not just Josie and Grant, but now Laney. Everything in my life feels so out of control and I can't fix any of it right now. When I’ve eaten all that I possibly can, I smile at her.
“Thanks for lunch. I need to get some work done before dinner, but I’ll see you at Jose’s at five.” I kiss her cheek.
“Sure, sweetheart. Is it okay if I invite your sisters?”
“If you think they wouldn't mind coming alone. I miss the kids, but I just don’t think I can handle that much right now.”
“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be a problem. Don’t work too hard.”
I give my mother another hug before heading out to my truck. I drive home in a daze of regret. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with Laney, but I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it right now. She can’t be around me until the person or persons responsible for killing Ralph and blackmailing Grant are caught. I won’t put her life in danger.
At home, I drag the tree towards my workshop and begin the process of chopping it to size and stripping the bark so I can smooth the wood and apply the natural stain. It’s a long process, but it keeps my mind occupied enough to not think about the suckhole that is my life. I’m completely engrossed in my work when my father’s voice startles me.
“Jud.”
I jump, dropping my sander to the ground. I quickly grab it and turn it off. “Hey, what’re you doing here?”
“Your mom said you were meeting us at Jose’s at five. When you didn’t show we ordered to go and came by to check on you.”
I look up at the clock on my wall and curse. “I’m so sorry. I was working and lost track of time.”
He smiles sadly at me. “It’s okay. We bro
ught the food with us. Why don’t you get cleaned up? We can eat here. It’s not a big deal.”
I nod. “Yeah, sure.” I walk back to the house with my dad and wave to everyone, regretfully. “I won’t be long.”
I hurry to my room and clean up. By the time I’m done, my family is gathered around the big island in my kitchen speaking quietly, about me I’m sure.
“Hey.”
“Hey, baby brother.” Lyla wraps her arms around me, squeezing tightly.
I hug her back. “I’m sorry I missed dinner.”
“You didn’t miss dinner, we just got it to go,” she replies with a genuine smile. “It’s still hot, why don’t we eat.”
Mom hands me a warm silver to-go container full of my favorite steak nachos as I take a seat on the last open bar stool. We eat, talk, and just enjoy the company of each other without talking about jail, the case, or my business. For the first time in years, I feel like I’m a part of my family. I feel like I belong again. The conversation is light and fun. It’s just what I’ve been needing. After we finish our meal, my sisters leave to get back to their families, but my parents stick around. Mom is walking around my living room exploring; she’s not been here since the house has been finished. She turns to me with a smile.
“This is wonderful, Jud,” she says as she touches various objects that she knows I did. She then turns to me, happily. “Shannon would have loved what you’ve done with this old place.”
I hang my head. I feel this strong desire to tell them about Shannon and the kids. I know I probably shouldn’t, but decide to do it anyway. It seems wrong to keep it from them.
“If I tell you guys something, will you promise not to say anything? It’s part of the ongoing investigation and if it gets out … well, it could really cause a lot of harm to a lot of people.”
My dad places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. His face full of worry and concern. “Of course, Son. Anything.”
I motion for them to sit. They take the couch and I sit in the chair across from them. I lean forward with my elbows on my knees and run my hand through my hair.
Penance (Oak Grove Suspense Book 2) Page 17
