“But you might yet,” she pressed. “You don’t know. What if you want to stay? And if you go now, it will be too much of a temptation to stay away. Once you start one part of your old life, you’ll slip into the rest, and—”
“Nettie.” Daet’s voice was firm. “He came home to help us, and we agreed not to pressure him.”
“No!” She sucked in an audible breath. “Stop trying to shush me, Abram! I followed the bishop’s leadership. When my son left, I did as he told us. I begged to be allowed to go visit him, but the bishop forbade us. I obeyed! And now he sends my son back into the lion’s den, in a car, no less? For his boy?”
Daet was immobile, his expression staying granite.
“Absolom is my friend, Mamm.” Elijah looked down at the keys again. “He’s more alone than anyone realizes. If you’d come to see me—”
“We were forbidden!” Tears sparkled in his mother’s weathered face.
“I know, Mamm. I’m doing it for Absolom.”
And possibly for Sadie. He wasn’t sure if this would be good for her or not, but if seeing her brother could bring her peace after all the misery he’d caused, then he’d do this for her, too.
“And you think this will bring him home?” Daet asked.
“I don’t know.” Elijah shrugged helplessly. “Probably not. But coming home isn’t everything. Maybe it will give him some strength to face his new life.”
“Coming home is everything!” Mamm rubbed her hands over her face. “I know why the Grabers want him back so badly. I do! But I’m not willing to sacrifice my boy for theirs!”
“We aren’t sacrificing him,” Daet said with a sigh. “He told us about it, didn’t he? He hasn’t snuck off in the night. He’s told us straight. He’s promised to come back.”
Mamm stood there looking small and betrayed. She tugged her shawl tighter around her body, and Elijah’s heart nearly cracked at the sight of her. She was reliving the last time he left home—he knew it. Elijah crossed the room and wrapped his arms around his mother. She reached up and pulled him down the way she used to when he was a teen, towering over her, and she rocked him back and forth.
“Mamm, I’m not a boy anymore,” he said quietly. “I can take care of myself.”
She released him, then put her hands on the sides of his face, looking up into his eyes imploringly. “No one is quite so self-sufficient as they think, son. You still need us.”
And he did—he always would. They were his parents . . . but he understood his mother’s panic.
“What is the plan, then?” Daet asked.
“We leave town before sunrise, and we return after dark. Nobody sees us, and the bishop hopes I’ll return with his son.”
“All right then,” Daet replied. “Your mamm and I will wait up for you. We trust that we’ll see you tonight, son.”
Elijah nodded. “I’ll be back, Daet.”
He turned toward the door. There wasn’t time to waste if he and Sadie were to be far away from anyone they knew by sunrise. He tucked the keys into his pocket and had his hand on the doorknob when his mother’s voice stopped him.
“Elijah?”
He turned back. “Yes, Mamm?”
“If you don’t return, I’m going to hire a van and I’ll go find you. This time, nothing will stop me, and if you choose that Englisher life, then you’ll be responsible for my damnation as well as your own. We’ll be shunned. That will be on you.” Her voice trembled and she met his gaze with glittering determination.
Elijah nodded slowly. Somehow, he didn’t doubt her. She’d been forbidden from going to her son once, but the bishop had lost his credibility in this house. Elijah never thought he’d see that day, and now that his parents were seeing things the way he did, he wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. Their blind faith had been comforting, in a way. He could rail against it, but it had been a central pillar in his life that he kept coming back to. Would they all be adrift now?
He’d come back irreparably changed. Now that Englisher life was rubbing off on the people closest to him, changing them, too. There was a bitter wisdom in the Ordnung’s inflexible orders. The seal around the community had been compromised, and change was seeping in like a water leak.
“Mamm, I’m bringing Sadie to see her brother, and I’ve promised the bishop that I’ll bring her home. My word has to count for something.”
It would have to be enough, because it was all he could offer.
Elijah and his father clomped outside together. They pulled the tarp off the car, and they pushed the car up the drive to the road. No one was around to see them, and when they got to the end of the drive, his father put a hand on his shoulder.
“Be safe, son.”
Elijah nodded, then eased into the driver’s seat and put the key into the ignition. The engine rumbled to life, and he slammed the door and stepped on the gas, easing onto the road.
It had only been a few weeks since he had last driven this car, and it felt good to be back in the driver’s seat again. It gave the illusion of having more control over his life than he really did. The Englishers had songs about this feeling of control as a man drove down the highway . . . but he knew better. The Englisher life wasn’t quite so free as everyone believed. There were fences for everyone, gullies and mountains. Everything might be permissible, but not everything was possible.
The bishop was hoping for something that Elijah couldn’t deliver. If Absolom came back home again, it wouldn’t be because of Elijah. And right now, he didn’t even think that it would be because of a miracle, either. If Absolom came home, it would be out of heartbreak, and he couldn’t wish that on his friend.
As Elijah drove down the road toward the Graber home, the horizon in the east was turning from black to gray. Morning was coming.
* * *
Sadie stood at the end of the drive. The morning was chilly, goose bumps standing up on her skin. She clasped a small, paper-wrapped parcel in front of her—a little baby quilt made by Mamm. Mamm had a store of baby items for when women welcomed their newborns, baby clothes and tiny quilts made by hand in the quiet of a winter evening. Mamm had chosen a soft, square quilt made with mauve and pink—girl’s colors. In a pinch, it would have to do.
A few minutes ago when Sadie was still inside the house, her mother had tied the strings around that package, and Daet had informed her of her travel arrangements. Elijah’s words still echoed through her mind.
He’ll bend. You’ll see.
She’d defiantly defended her father because they all wanted Absolom back, but what about Elijah? Her father was not only sending Elijah back to the city, but he was ordering him to drive his car into the city . . . a distinct difference there. Elijah had been right.
Sadie had ridden in several cars over the years. Sometimes an Englisher neighbor would give them a ride to a doctor’s appointment, or there would be a van hired for a trip somewhere. She and Mervin had visited his parents once by van. So riding in a vehicle wasn’t shocking for her—the shocking bit was that the car would be driven by Elijah.
A pair of headlights bounced up the road, then the car slowed and the headlights flicked off. That would be Elijah, and she glanced back toward the house, where she could just make out the white of her mamm’s apron on the front porch where her parents stood, watching to make sure she left safely.
The car slowed to a stop, and she bent down to see Elijah peering at her through the window. He leaned over and pushed the passenger side door open. She looked back at her parents one last time, then eased into the seat and reached for the seat belt. Elijah stepped on the gas and the car started forward again while she was still buckling up.
“Hi,” he said, and his voice was warm and comforting in the chilly morning.
“Hi.” She looked out the window, back toward her house that was already disappearing behind them.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Of course.” She sighed. She was missing her son. She’d left when he was still a
sleep and wouldn’t see him until late tonight when he’d be asleep again; she missed him already.
“I called Absolom last night from the pay phone outside the post office,” Elijah said. “He said he’d be there today, even if he has to call in sick.”
“You mean he’ll lie?”
“Afraid so.”
Sadie stole a glance at Elijah. “And that doesn’t bother you?”
He compressed his lips into a flat line. “Yah, it does still. I’m not that different. But at least he’ll be there to see you.”
Elijah’s left hand was draped over the steering wheel, his right tapping on his leg in a rhythm she didn’t recognize. He was more confident than she’d ever seen him before—she could tell by the way he leaned his head back and the relaxed look on his face. His gaze flickered toward her, and he gave her a half smile.
“When did you learn how to drive?” she asked.
“I had to get ID first,” he replied. “That took a few months to gather it all. And then I had to buy the car.”
“This one?”
He glanced over at her, and a smile tickled at the corners of his lips. “This one.”
He seemed attached to this piece of machinery, the way a man might be attached to the first horse he purchased with his own earnings. But this was no horse. She looked back out the window.
“You like this too much,” she said. But that wasn’t her only issue. He looked more self-assured like this—more so than he did on the farm—and that sent a warning prickle over her arms. What was her father thinking asking Elijah to drive again?
“Yah, I like it.” Elijah shrugged. “That doesn’t mean I wanted to take my car today, though. I was against it.”
“So you’ll just drive us straight to Absolom’s home, then?” she asked.
“That’s the plan.” He was silent for a few beats. “Sadie, you don’t need to worry. I fully intend to bring you home again, even if I have to throw you over my shoulder to do it.”
An image of him doing just that popped into her mind, and she felt a rush of heat hit her cheeks.
“I’m not the one who’s the risk,” she retorted.
Elijah took off his straw hat and tossed it into the back seat. With his Englisher hairstyle, and his hand draped over the steering wheel, he looked even more foreign than he had before.
“Why did you do that?” she asked.
“I can’t see the road as well with my eyes shaded like that,” he said. “Safety first, Sadie.”
His smile was teasing—a throwback from their teen years, but the rest of him was every inch the rugged rebel. He was attractive in a way that made her breath catch, and she realized in a rush that she was about to see more than her brother—she was going to see the Elijah from Chicago. He’d be different from the man she knew now, and that realization made her stomach churn. She’d rather block his past out, but she wasn’t going to be able to do that.
Elijah glanced over at her a couple of times, his eyes flicking back to the road. “What’s the matter?”
“You seem different,” she replied hollowly.
“I’m not.”
“You’re driving a car without your hat,” she said. “That’s different.”
“It’s just a hat,” he said quietly, then glanced toward her again. “And your father ordered me to drive the car.”
But he could drive. That was the thing . . . she was seeing his capabilities from his Englisher life. And worst of all, she found herself even more attracted to him this way.
“You’re relaxing into the role,” she said. “Whatever you are in Chicago, you’re becoming that man again.”
“Yah. I’m . . . free.” He adjusted his position in the seat.
So this was the liberated version of Elijah. Perhaps he didn’t realize how competent he looked, how in control of it all. If only he appeared more uncomfortable—mirroring her own uncertainty—she might feel more connected to him.
“You didn’t want to bring me,” she said. “Isn’t that what you said over dinner?”
“Because I don’t want to be the one they blame if you change.” He shot her a direct look. “The city changes people, Sadie.”
And looking at him, she couldn’t argue with that.
“My faith is stronger than that,” she replied quietly.
“You think I have no faith?”
She swallowed. “Well, you left . . .”
“Not because I lost my faith in God, Sadie. I still had that. I lost my faith in the church. Those are two different things.”
“Oh.” She’d offended him. She could hear it in his voice.
“Even in service, though, you seemed—out of place.” An image of him sitting with his legs spread, his elbows resting on his knees and his brooding expression was stamped on her mind. That wasn’t the image of a man at peace.
“Again—church and God. Not the same thing, Sadie.”
Weren’t they? Sadie had never seen them as separate before. She went to church to feel connected to God. The church was the body of Christ. They connected to God by connecting with each other. . . . Salvation was through community. And yet, he looked very sure of himself.
“Is that what you learned with the Englishers?” she asked.
He chuckled softly. “You think it’s heresy, but yah. You learn things when you have to face life on your own. What is our faith if it’s never tested?”
He was quoting her father there, and she could grudgingly see his point. What was their faith if they couldn’t cling to it when they had nothing else? And yet she still couldn’t imagine a life outside of their Amish community. Life was sweeter together . . . except not everyone seemed to think so.
“What did Absolom say when you talked to him?” she asked.
“Uh . . .” Elijah shrugged. “It was a short conversation. The baby started to cry, so he had to go.”
“The baby was at a telephone?” She shook her head as she realized her mistake. “Sorry, he has a phone inside his home, doesn’t he?”
“Yah. Of course.”
Of course. “But what did he say?”
“He asked if your daet and mamm were coming along, and I said no. He asked if you were looking forward to it or dreading it, and I said you wanted to see him.”
“And does he . . . want to see me?” she asked.
“He’s excited to see you. He asked about Sammie, and I said that he’d stay home. He told Sharon that we were coming, and then the baby started to cry, and I guess he must have been holding the baby, because he said he had to go, and that he’d be sure to be home. That’s about it.”
Her brother holding his baby daughter and talking on a telephone inside his own home. She couldn’t even imagine it. How could the family get any quiet with a telephone right there to interrupt them constantly with other people’s greetings and questions? It sounded overwhelming, and frustrating.
The sun peeked over the horizon, spilling rosy light over the fields. They were passing an Amish farm, and she spotted a man with two boys tramping toward a barn. She didn’t know this family. They were already outside of their local church boundaries. A car made distances evaporate so quickly.
“Are you excited to see him?” she asked.
“Yah.” His tone was grave, and she looked over to see his jaw clenched and his eyes fixed on the road. “It’ll be good to see him.”
“But it’s not the same for you, is it?” she said. “You’re going back one of these days. You weren’t saying good-bye forever, like you did with me.”
“I didn’t think it would be forever when I left Morinville.” He glanced toward her, and his dark eyes drilled into hers. “Not with you.”
“And how could it not be?” she demanded. There was no connection between the Englisher and the Amish besides some sales and a few tourists, most of whom they avoided.
“I thought I’d find some deep Amish truth to bring me back,” he said. “And I didn’t leave you easily. I almost came back for you. That first nigh
t, we slept in a barn. And I lay awake all night thinking of you, and what you’d think when you found out that we’d left. We were young and stupid, and we liked the idea of causing a bit of pain when it came to our parents, but you . . .” He swallowed. “I almost came back for you.”
“What stopped you?” she breathed.
Elijah shrugged. “Like I said, I couldn’t take care of you out there. I wasn’t man enough, Sadie. That’s what it all came down to.”
Like she’d told her sister, some stolen kisses and hand holding didn’t add up to enough to make a lifetime together. She hadn’t been enough to keep Elijah at home. He’d had grudges bigger than his love for her.
She let her gaze follow the loops of telephone wire that dipped along the side of the road, and her heart seemed to rise and fall with the wire.
She’d loved Elijah back then . . . loved him so deeply that she thought it would never end. There was no way another girl could draw his attention away from her. But in the end, it hadn’t been the siren call of another woman that pulled him away. And Sadie hadn’t wanted him to take her along—she’d wanted him to choose her and stay. Mervin had chosen her. There was something deeply satisfying in a man saying, “I want her. For better or for worse.” That was the part that Elijah hadn’t been capable of.
The sun rose steadily into the sky, and the car warmed up with the golden rays that flooded inside. Sadie settled back into her seat and closed her eyes. It would be a long drive to Chicago.
Chapter Twelve
It was nine o’clock in the morning when they entered Chicago’s suburbs, and Elijah felt that familiar tug of coming home. Strange how much more familiar this city felt after having been away for a few weeks. When he lived here, it still felt foreign, but now that he was coming back, he felt an unexpected relief. Elijah pulled to a stop at a red light.
“We paved this,” Elijah said.
“You . . . what?” Sadie looked over at him blearily. She was only just waking up from another cat nap. She looked slightly rumpled, and she rubbed her hand over her eyes, then adjusted her kapp.
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