by Liz Plank
Would people have had the same reaction to a parent letting her daughter play with monster trucks? Probably not.
Given this arbitrary rule we’ve made up that boys and girls play with different things and that if boys play with anything that develops empathy and care for themselves or for a child it can ruin their development or go against their biology, when children choose outside of the bounds of our rigid cultural norms they often get told there is something wrong with them. When I asked men about the toys they wanted as children but were told they shouldn’t have because those toys were just for girls, I received a slew of heartbreaking responses. The sheer number of men who wanted an Easy-Bake Oven or kitchen tools and were denied them made me incredibly sad. One man recalled overhearing his parents being worried that he enjoyed cooking. Mothers had stories about asking for Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, jump ropes, the blueberry boy from the Strawberry Shortcake toy line, Polly Pockets, anything with glitter, the Barbie Corvette, Rollerblade Ken, Wonder Woman or Black Widow action figures, even hula hoops, only to be told they weren’t supposed to like those things in the first place. Can you imagine a boy learning to cook and care for others from an early age? Oh, the humanity! One man talked about the only present on his list for his seventh birthday being a “blueberry muffin dog pupcake,” which is essentially a stuffed puppy inside a cupcake. He remembered having a meltdown and crying so much when he didn’t receive it that his father finally bought it for him but instructed him to keep it hidden inside the house so no one would see him with it.
Another man recounted being only five when he was playing with a plastic toy shopping cart that happened to be pink. “I carted it around our yard, moving my action figures and the like,” he said. “We were having a barbecue and some of my dad’s friends were teasing him that I was playing with a pink shopping cart. While I was distracted, they took it to the far back and smashed it. Threw it in the trash.” My friend Jose Morales told me about growing up in the Dominican Republic, where he had a collection of soldiers and guns, but he also enjoyed playing with a wider range of toys that included toys that had been originally bought for his sister. “I remember as a kid, since I grew up with my sister, I used to play with her friends and play dolls with them and teatime and the adults would get so upset about it,” he said. “The neighbors would talk and the other boys bullied me when they found out. The boys would make fun and call me maricon, which is Spanish for ‘faggot.’ I would get smacked as well. It all became a shameful situation. To me it was just playing, but to them it was not normal.” Despite these harmful messages about what boys shouldn’t do, Jose later pursued a career in nursing in the United States. Even as an adult he faces the same limited stereotypes about what men can or cannot do. He often gets referred as a “male nurse,” and it drives him nuts because that assumes that any nurse is female unless otherwise specified. Frequently he’ll introduce himself as the nurse and patients will incorrectly refer to him as “Doctor.” Although his parents are supportive of his choices, they aren’t immune to believing in some of those same gender stereotypes. “For my father when I explained to him that I was going to nursing school he couldn’t understand it,” Jose said. “And even three years into it, he still asks me when are you going to finish and do your doctor [degree], so I answer yes, I am; I’m going to get my doctorate in nursing!” He laughs it off, but navigating these unnecessary gender stereotypes is a daily struggle.
It’s especially frustrating that we send the message to boys that nursing and teaching are only for girls because those jobs used to be done almost exclusively by men. Although roughly 90 percent of elementary-school teachers and nurses are currently women, both industries were once male-dominated professions. For instance, back in the 1800s, the gender ratio was completely flipped and 90 percent of teachers were indeed male. As Dana Goldstein notes in The Teacher Wars, women were encouraged to pursue the profession because politicians and school reformers realized that they could pay them far less than men. Thanks, systemic and deeply entrenched sexism! Goldstein chronicles how the stereotype that women are better teachers was deliberately created to attract more of them to the profession. Women were framed as more nurturing and biologically suited to work with children while men were painted as abusive and dangerous for children. We tend to think that women are more inclined to go into teaching because they are more empathetic when in fact evidence points to men choosing it as a career path before it was deemed a “feminine” profession. The first paid nurses were also male. When plagues hit different parts of Europe, men were the primary caregivers. The first nurses in ancient Rome were also exclusively male. In the United States, it wasn’t until the 1900s that men started leaving the profession for higher-paid jobs. Although both jobs require empathy and care, which are associated with women today, the professions were mostly associated and held by men. Given that so many men used to occupy these jobs, many experts believe that men aren’t entering these professions simply because of stigma—and the fact that salaries in these careers are currently relatively low.
And again, similarly to the gender-bending trends in the toy industry, changes in the labor industry have been one way. Although there are many different kinds of campaigns to encourage girls to take on male-dominated jobs like those in science and engineering, the same gender-expectations expansion hadn’t occurred for boys. I still remember my dad taking me to a “girls and science” day when I was in elementary school. Parents would be given workshops to help develop mathematical and scientific skills in girls while their daughters were encouraged to try out the professions with a set of games and experiments. Why don’t we have “boys in teaching” or “boys in nursing” workshops for both kids and their parents to explore these as professions?
Although there have been some efforts to recruit more men into nursing, they have often replicated stereotypes about masculinity, which is what got us into this segregated job market mess in the first place. One campaign that showed nurses holding snowboards and other manly things with the slogan “Are you man enough to be a nurse?” spread across the United States in the early 2000s. But perpetuating stereotypes about what makes you manly doesn’t help men in the long run. It reinforces the idea that empathy and caring for others can only be a driving force for women when of course men have the potential and desire to care for others just as women do.
In the new economy, empathy isn’t just a good quality to have; it’s a skill that’s in high demand. Depictions of care work in advertisements and pop culture almost exclusively feature women. Just like with nursing, do a quick internet image search for “care work,” one of the fastest-growing industries, which includes everything from looking after children to providing support for the sick or the elderly, and all you’ll see is a bunch of women smiling with one hand on the arm of an old person in a wheelchair (very specific, I know). The vast majority of care workers are currently women, and most are women of color. But a growing aging population has created a significant supply problem for the care work industry that has forced some organizations to make bigger efforts to recruit men. A report presented in 2014 by the International Longevity Centre UK called this a “workforce time-bomb” in an industry where four out of five care workers are female. According to the report, “in order to entice [men] into the care sector, providers will need to use innovative promotional campaigns to address persisting stereotypes and target underrepresented groups.”
But changing the way men are socialized won’t be enough to convince them to join this growing industry because they’re also reluctant about the pay. Data shows that men, especially white men, are more resistant to taking these jobs because they don’t pay enough. (Black men are 3.3 times more likely to take low-level care jobs.) Given that care work is a female-dominated field, it’s devalued and subsequently also underpaid. For instance, many care workers aren’t even making minimum wage, as was the case in an adult care facility in Silicon Valley that paid its employees a mere $6.25 an hour, according to the U
.S. Department of Labor. It’s also the case with waitressing jobs (also mostly performed by women) that pay less than the federal minimum wage (the minimum wage for servers is an abysmal $2.13 an hour). A report from the Women’s Law Center found that care worker jobs rarely pay over $11.00 an hour and that women, even those with bachelor’s degrees, are segregated in these jobs. While making a good salary is interesting to both men and women, men tend to place a higher premium on it. Given that masculinity as an identity is wrapped into familial providing more for men than it is for women, this makes a certain amount of sense.
This tension—between the reluctance to enter into the care or service industry and the need to be the provider—was explained to me by Steve, a father I met moments before Trump took the stage at his inauguration in Washington, D.C. Steve had driven all the way from Grand Rapids, Michigan, with his wife and three kids to see Trump take the oath of office. “I have friends who are one step away from the soup kitchen and no one helped them,” he told me. At 46, Steve explained that many of his peers who had manufacturing jobs are now unemployed. “Some of my guy friends who are educated, have a good work ethic, cannot find a job.” He went on to admit: “Maybe they’re being too selective with the jobs they pick.” He agreed that men, especially those with families to support, should take jobs that feel less traditionally masculine in order to support their families, but he also recognized the importance of work as an organizing principle for their identity as men. “I’m not sexist, but it’s a man thing. Not a lot of people want to do that [kind of work]. I should say not a lot of my friends would want a job like that and make a career out of it.” He said he personally didn’t object to men staying home with the kids rather than being the primary breadwinner, but that those who did would eventually become the target of jokes. “Our neighbor across from us definitely gets the flak from the other guys because he’s a ‘stay-at-home mom,’” he explained. “‘Waffles and Pop-Tarts are ready, guys,’” he joked. When I pressed him on what was worse, not being a breadwinner or taking a job that is female dominated, he seemed more flexible. “At the end of the day you have to take care of your bills, take care of your household and work hard,” he said. “It’s difficult, but in some of those situations you have to adapt if you have two or three kids, and you want to send them to a good daycare; you have to.”
Despite being the primary breadwinner for his family, Steve was visibly involved as a father. He held his daughter in his arms as he spoke to me and was looking after the two other little ones who were running around him. “When I was little and I played football, my dad worked, so I never saw him,” he said. “But when the new Jordans [shoes] came out, I got them. I understood that.” Despite his demanding job, he said he was more involved as a dad. “I back them up; I go more to their games,” he said as he lifted up his other daughter.
Providing for your family by holding a traditionally female job like waiting tables might not be the first choice for many men, but slowing down technology to maintain the level of manufacturing jobs that existed in the 1960s is not realistic or fruitful either. Valuing the work of women in care or service jobs ultimately would increase wages, leaving everyone better off. Giving men more flexibility to explore jobs in industries that are female dominated ultimately means giving men more flexibility in how to be a man—and also in how to provide for their family.
Of course, marketing is everything. It probably doesn’t help that we’ve labeled the fastest-growing jobs in the service and health care industries pink-collar jobs. Data shows that even something as simple as the job description could make a difference in attracting more men. Numbers gathered by Textio, an application that checks for gender bias, found that men are less likely to go for jobs that call for traditionally female skills like “empathy” or having a focus on “families.” The effect also exists when the genders are switched as well, where words like “extraordinary” or “premier” make women less likely to apply.
Making every job feel open to all genders should be a no-brainer for any company. And it’s even better for the companies trying to hire; not only do they increase the pool of candidates, but they also increase the speed at which they find the right person for the job. Textio found that opting for gender-neutral language helps companies find a candidate fourteen days more quickly than when using feminine or masculine language. That sounds like a figure most managers going through the grueling process of hiring can get behind.
In addition, the desegregation of jobs benefits the customer. Many male patients prefer to have male nurses attend to them and the same goes for social or care workers. Older men often feel less embarrassed or humiliated if they are washed by a male attendant. Teaching may be the greatest example of a profession that would highly benefit from a larger gender diversity of hires. The dearth of male teachers unfortunately becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for boys. Roughly 90 percent of elementary-school teachers are female, which means that an entire gender is virtually missing from the profession. Many boys don’t grow up with role models of empathetic and socially intelligent men, and male teachers could change that. This is especially pertinent for young boys of color, who may go through the entire school system without encountering a person who looks like them. According to the Department of Education, only 2 percent of teachers are black men. It’s a worrying statistic because there’s mounting evidence showing that having a teacher who looks like you can be incredibly powerful for young children and conversely that not having one can reduce the chance for success. It is well known that having a same-race teacher increases children’s test scores and how much they like their teacher. But one study that examined one hundred thousand African-American elementary-school records from students in North Carolina found that the impacts stay with the child long after they’ve left school and that the effects on children from low-income homes is even longer. Researchers found that the simple act of encountering one single black teacher lowered the likelihood of dropping out of school for low-income black boys by 39 percent. Having a black teacher between grades 3 and 5 increased the likelihood of all children aspiring to go to college. That’s why having male teachers and particularly male teachers of color could make an enormous difference for the long-term success of children who are the most disadvantaged.
Letting go of unnecessary and untrue gender stereotypes about what a man’s job is would benefit men and their families but also society at large, especially when it comes to those who are the most vulnerable. Having more men in care work, teaching and the health care sector would mean better outcomes for children, the ill and the elderly. When we limit who can work, we limit who can enjoy the fruits of that labor and expand opportunities for all.
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.
—OSCAR WILDE
AMUSE-BOUCHE:
The Post-#MeToo Rules
One of the most frequently asked questions I received from men while researching and writing this book was how to talk to and approach women in the workplace, given the flood of stories that have come out with the #MeToo movement. Originally coined by Tarana Burke, #MeToo has become a rallying cry for women looking to share their stories of sexual harassment or assault and has led to the downfall of numerous high-profile men such as Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose and more. Sexual harassment was, until recently, not taken seriously by companies and society at large, and men are held to a new standard. This is a giant step for humanity but could be a difficult one for men. Here are some tips:
RULE 1: TAKE STOCK OF HOW MUCH POWER YOU HAVE
Do you know who almost always knows exactly how much or little power they have in the workplace? Women. Women, especially those of color, know exactly where they stand in the power structure because they are so often at the bottom of it. But one thing that I came across in my conversations with men was that they had often been told to check their privilege, but they have rarely been told to examine their power. Checking your privilege is passive�
��it often means taking a step back. But examining your power is active. I’m an advocate of the latter more than the former. I think it’s more important to take stock of how much you have and then use all of yourself for good. Also, while privilege is fixed (it’s based on fixed identities: being white, male, able-bodied), power is relational. It changes depending on situations and the people you are associating with.
For instance, in the midst of the #MeToo headlines a male friend confided in me that he didn’t understand why a female coworker had felt uncomfortable about a romantic encounter they had shared. He didn’t understand why she described it as making her uneasy when at the time she didn’t protest it. When I asked him more about this woman, I realized this wasn’t just a coworker. “I’ve helped her with opportunities in developing her career,” he told me nonchalantly. “So you’re more of a mentor she relies on for advancement?” I said. He nodded yes. The more I asked questions, the more I realized he wasn’t just a friend or coworker to this woman, but that there was a clear power difference between the two of them. When I asked him if he had ever thought about the fact that he had more power in that relationship, it’s like a lightbulb went off in his head.
