by Cathy Glass
But what about this? ‘Tom, don’t bang that drum. It’s getting on my nerves.’ Is this reasonable? Possibly. The relentless banging of a drum at close proximity is enough to get on anyone’s nerves. But wouldn’t it be more reasonable to say, ‘Tom, take the drum into the front room/down the garden, please, where it’s not so loud for me.’ I think this is more reasonable. Tom can have his fun, and you, the parent, will not have your nerves shredded by the relentless banging. If Tom refuses what is now a Reasonable Request, then employ the 3Rs to see through your Request.
It is surprising just how many of these little ‘reasonableness’ situations there are every day, and we need to base our Requests on what is reasonable for both us, the parents, and the child. Here are some examples:
* It is reasonable for Tom to sit at the table and eat nicely.
* It is reasonable for Tom to use an overall when painting so that his clothes don’t get spoiled.
* It is reasonable for Claire to have her hair washed, although she doesn’t like it.
* It is not reasonable to switch off the television in the middle of Claire’s favourite programme (which she always watches) to have her hair washed because that is what you have decided. Insisting on this because it suits you is an unnecessary and unhealthy form of control.
* It is not reasonable for Tom never to be allowed to paint because of the mess he will make. Tom needs to play (and make a mess), and he can be taught to help clear up.
Control isn’t only about you, the parent, steering your child to good and acceptable behaviour: it is also about the child’s right of control. Children of all ages need some control over their lives in order to grow into healthy responsible adults. If children are never allowed to make their own decisions (and mistakes), they will have nothing on which to base teenage or adult decision making. The child will feel that he or she has no right to an opinion, no voice and therefore little or no control over their life. This leaves them very vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone who wants to dominate or use them; it is exactly this type of child (and adult) who is taken advantage of, or even abused. Parents who are over-controlling tend to produce either introverted and excruciatingly shy children, or those who fly in the face of convention and the law, often into their late teens and early twenties.
Alternatively, a child who has been given no control, and therefore no moral code to guide them when decision making, can rebel as a teenager and become out of control – and thus a danger to themselves and others.
Control is therefore about balance, with the parent exerting enough control to socialise the child, but not so much as to obliterate individuality, spontaneity or character. Encourage appropriate control in children through their decision making, allowing freedom of choice where appropriate. If you decide something isn’t appropriate, then explain why and see through your reasonable decision, using the 3Rs.
Reasonable Requests and decisions equals reasonable control for you and the child. But what decisions can a child reasonably be expected to make? Here are some examples:
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide (with guidance) which clothes to wear, as long as it is appropriate – not shorts and T-shirt in winter, or pyjamas to school.
* It is reasonable for Tom and Claire to decide which toys to play with, and if they want tomato sauce on their dinner.
On the other hand, it is reasonable for you to decide:
* their bedtimes
* what time they get up in the morning in order to arrive at nursery or school on time
* how much television they watch and which programmes are suitable.
Likewise you make the decision not to allow Tom or Claire to:
* use matches (when young)
* ride their bikes in the road (until it is age appropriate and they can navigate the traffic)
* tie up and blindfold their younger sibling, as the game will frighten him/her
* kick the football into the flower beds
* shout, scream, swear, kick or in any way hurt other people.
Control is shared, with the child gradually taking more control as they grow and acquire the skills for making sensible decisions. When exerting control, always explain the reason for your decision (and therefore the reason for your control) and then see it through, using the 3Rs as necessary.
If, on reflection, you feel your Request or decision was not reasonable, then reappraise and adjust. Children will often point out unfairness when a parent has got it wrong. In the case of Tom being told to stop banging his drum because it was getting on mum’s nerves, he might say something like, ‘Can’t you cover your ears/go in another room if you don’t like it?’ Here is an opportunity for you to reappraise your Request. Was it reasonable? If it was, explain why and see it through, using the 3Rs. If on reflection you think your request wasn’t reasonable, then offer an alternative – ‘I tell you what, Tom, as I need to be in this room, you take the drum into the front room.’ Your request is now reasonable and Tom needs to comply.
Should you use the naughty chair?
For anyone who is not familiar with this, the naughty chair/step/spot/corner is a designated area where the child is made to sit alone for a set period of time (usually one minute for each year of the child’s age), until he or she is ready to rejoin the family or group and behave. Many parents, carers, childminders and nursery schools use the naughty chair, and find it works very well. It allows the child to take time out to calm down and reflect on his or her bad behaviour. It also reinforces in the child’s mind that he or she has been naughty and their behaviour was unacceptable.
If you are already using the naughty chair method for disciplining your child and it is working, that is fine; continue modifying your child’s unacceptable behaviour in this way. As with all child-rearing advice, do what you feel comfortable with and what works for you and your child. But don’t feel the method is an essential tool for managing your child’s behaviour.
If you are not already using the naughty spot, or feel uncomfortable about using it, then please consider my reasons for not using it:
* Repeatedly having to return a child to the naughty spot if he or she gets off it can turn into confrontation and an issue in itself.
* It has the uncomfortable ring of the Victorian classroom, where a child was singled out and humiliated by being made to stand in a corner or on a chair in front of their class as a punishment.
* It is demeaning for the child to be singled out in a negative way, particularly in front of his or her siblings or peers.
* It draws attention to negative behaviour, and can also easily be viewed by the child as a game, where the child jumps off the spot when mum’s back is turned.
* Having to return the child repeatedly to the naughty spot is another stress for a parent who is already overwrought from having to deal with their child’s bad behaviour. If the child is in the frame of mind to complete the Request to go to the naughty spot first time, and stay there until the time is up, then he or she is unlikely to need this form of discipline in the first place, as the child is already obeying his parent.
Instead of the naughty spot, I use the 3Rs technique, rewarding all good behaviour and applying a sanction if the child persists in the bad behaviour. More on sanctions and rewards follows later.
Don’t use the third person
I have never understood why many parents, teachers, nursery staff and adults generally refer to themselves in third person when talking to a child – ‘You know Mummy loves you', ‘Daddy told you not to go in the shed', ‘Mrs Smith asked you to clear up after art.’ I can’t think of any other situation where we do this except when an adult talks to a child, and I find it most odd.
You wouldn’t go into a hairdresser’s and say about yourself, ‘Mary would like a hair cut, please.’ Or go to the bank and say, ‘Dave would like to talk to the manager about a loan.’ Of course you wouldn’t. It would sound ludicrous, and you would never address another adult in this way. Yet many of u
s do it with our children.
How or why this habit has developed, I’ve no idea and I haven’t been able to find out. But it is a very unhelpful way for an adult, particularly a parent, to talk to a child, for one very good reason: it has the effect of distancing the Request or statement from the adult, which means the child is less likely to respond to it. The nature of the third person is distance: it is not about me (I) but that person over there. The very nature of the third person makes it one step removed and therefore weaker in its effect.
Instead, always use the first person, ‘I’, when talking to a child, whether expressing emotion or managing a child’s behaviour through a Request or direction. ‘I love you’ has a far greater and more immediate and heartfelt ring than ‘Mummy loves you.’ ‘Tom, I have told you not to pull your sister’s hair’ is far more immediate and authoritative than ‘Tom, Mummy has told you not to pull your sister’s hair.’ ‘Tom, I have asked you to put down that axe’ is far more effective than ‘Tom, Mummy has asked you to put down that axe'.
If as a parent, care worker or teacher you have slipped into the habit of using the third person when addressing a child, I urge you to stop.
Sanctions and rewards
Rewards are given for good behaviour and sanctions imposed for bad. Both should come as soon after the behaviour that has merited the reward or sanction as possible so that the child can understand that cause equals effect.
Rewards can be verbal – praise for good behaviour – or a small treat, such as extra television or computer time, or a favourite activity. Star charts, also known as reward charts, are sometimes used to reward good behaviour and have enjoyed a recent revival in popularity. A reward chart is a large brightly coloured chart, either homemade or bought, which is displayed on a wall where the child can see it. The child is rewarded for his or her good behaviour by being allowed to add a sticker to the chart, to the praise and admiration of his parent/carer/childminder/nursery teacher. I have not used reward charts for many years and probably won’t again, because I never found them very effective in the long term. Once the novelty had worn off (which took only a week at the most) something else had to be found to regain the child’s interest and therefore his or her cooperation. However, as with the naughty chair, if you are using a reward chart and it is working, continue, until the behaviour you are trying to change has been modified. Note that the success of the reward chart relies on you remembering to add the sticker each time, and on you making it a revered achievement, i.e. something the child aspires to – ‘Well done, Claire/Tom! You have earned another sticker. Let’s go and put it on now,’ said by you ceremoniously and with much praise.
Sanctions are the loss of something a child likes or wants as a result of persistent unacceptable behaviour. Sanctions are used in the 3Rs strategy when cooperation hasn’t been achieved after you have Requested, Repeated and Reaffirmed. In the case of Claire staying in her pushchair in the supermarket, she was rewarded with your praise – ‘Good girl’ – and allowed to walk once she had left the supermarket. In the case of Tom who did not respond to your Request for him to stop running his toy lorry over the coffee table, the sanction was the loss of his lorry for a set period of time.
Sanctions need to be age and incident appropriate, and should come as soon as possible after the negative behaviour. As the 3Rs teaches cooperation, with the child doing as he or she has been asked, as you implement the 3Rs strategy the number of instances where sanctions need to be imposed will be reduced.
Foster carers are very limited in the sanctions they can apply; we can’t, for example, stop pocket money. I have found that stopping television or computer or PlayStation time is very effective, for all ages. If the child persists in his or her challenging behaviour and, after warning the child what will happen if he or she doesn’t stop the negative behaviour, I stop viewing time in ten-minute slots. This accumulates, so that ten minutes is added each time the child persistently challenges or disobeys. Ten minutes becomes twenty, then thirty, and so on, resulting in the loss of all viewing time for that evening if necessary. It is highly effective. One ten-year-old boy I fostered whose very challenging behaviour had seen off three foster carers in three weeks and who had been excluded from two schools, stopped 90 per cent of his bad behaviour in a week, simply by my using the 3Rs and the loss of television time as a sanction.
The closed choice
I like this technique immensely, as it’s easy and instant. I use it all the time to ensure cooperation as part of the 3Rs, and with all ages of children. It works with adults too! A closed choice is a clever little ploy that allows the child to believe he or she is making his or her own decision, while in effect the child is complying with what you have asked him or her to do. It is highly successful and greatly reduces confrontation, while increasing cooperation. The end result is that the child has done as you have asked without it becoming an issue.
It works like this. You want a child to do something which you think is going to be an issue, as it has been an issue in the past, so you offer two alternatives which lead to the same result – i.e. the child does as you want.
Let’s say you want Tom to clear up his toys, which are littering the entire downstairs of the house. Tom has had a great time playing, but you know from previous experience that he is less enthusiastic about clearing up and likely to refuse, ignore you or throw a wobbler. Now is a good time to use the closed choice. Instead of simply saying, ‘Tom, put your toys away, please,’ you say, ‘Tom, it’s time to put your toys away. Which room do you want to clear up first?’ Rather than refusing, Tom will find the answer (the decision as to where he wants to begin) already on his lips – ‘This room first.’
Or say Claire needs to put on her shoes, because you are going out, but you know from past experience that Claire doesn’t like wearing her shoes and would rather go barefoot, as she does in the house. Instead of saying, ‘Claire, we’re going out shortly, so put on your shoes, please,’ and then bracing yourself for a tantrum, try instead: ‘Claire, we are going out soon. Here are your shoes. Which one would you like to put on first – left or right?’ You say this positively, while offering her the two shoes. Claire will already be taking the shoe she has chosen to put on first without realising she is completing your Request.
The closed choice works with children of all ages, right through to teenagers, although obviously the situation and choice offered varies. For a teenager there might be issues surrounding keeping their bedroom tidy (untidy bedrooms are synonymous with teenagers). So instead of ‘Tom, can you clear up your room now, please?’ which is likely to be ignored or at best acknowledged with a grunt and no movement to tidy, try: ‘Tom, do you want to clear up your room before you have your shower or after?’ Tom now has to make a decision, and both options result in some tidying of his bedroom.
If Tom or Claire says ‘Neither’ in answer to your closed-choice question (more likely in the older, teenage Tom than the younger Tom), then see it through with the 3Rs. Begin with a Request that is also a closed choice – ‘Tom, your bedroom needs tidying. Do you want to tidy it before or after your shower?’ If Tom says ‘Neither', then Repeat, and Reaffirm with a warning of the sanction for not complying. With the teenage Tom, who likes MSN-ing his friends in the evening, the sanction might be that the computer doesn’t go on until he has done as you have asked. However, if you have been using the 3Rs for some time Tom will be more likely to do as you have asked without being warned of a sanction. He will know from past experience that you mean what you say, so he might as well comply – if not immediately then within a reasonable time.
If you have two or more children not co-operating at the same time, as can easily happen in a large family, you can address them both together if they are in the same room. If they are not, address whichever child’s behaviour is causing the greater problem first. Once that child has cooperated, having his or her cooperation will be a good example to the other children and they are more likely to follow suit. Si
blings can be catalysts for each other, positive and negative. I will say more about this later in family meetings.
CHAPTER TWO
Preschool
Rising Five: 3–5
Also known as preschoolers, this is the age group of three to five years, when your child’s world is opening even wider, and with it increasing opportunities to explore, question and socialise. Obviously you will still be nurturing your child and tending to his or her needs (and will be for many years to come), but you will also be giving your child more responsibility, including responsibility for his or her behaviour. The conversations you have with your child will have greater depth: you will discuss options and outcomes, and make decisions together. At the same time you will be providing discipline and enjoying your child’s character. Your child’s behaviour will be reflected in the multitude of little choices and decisions he or she is now faced with, each and every day. The guidelines and boundaries you put in place in the previous years, using the 3Rs, will be even more important now, as your child strides towards greater autonomy and independence.
The preschool child should now be aware of your rules for acceptable behaviour and will already be following many of them without being reminded. However, children of this age are naturally enthusiastic and impetuous, diving into things without the pre-thought or consideration an older child might give. Even the ‘easiest’ and most cooperative child will sometimes surprise/shock a parent with a burst of unacceptable negative behaviour. The child’s world is opening up very quickly, and all manner of things are now possible for the child, which weren’t before, and this can be overwhelming. Your child will need to know more than ever that you are there to guide, advise and reassure, and that you love him or her unreservedly, regardless of how bad his or her behaviour is.
