by J. A. Saare
“Blind to what?” I felt like a parrot asking questions. “You’re speaking in riddles, Ethan. Listen to yourself!”
“I’ve been speaking in riddles because I can’t be honest with you, I never can.” I knew the hurt I experienced was visible, but it didn’t dissuade him. “If I tell you everything I know, when I know it, you’ll do something stupid. I know you, and it’s what you always do. You try to play hero when there is no dragon to slay. There are no winners here, only losers. You’re going to have to accept that some things are out of your control.”
“I didn’t ask to be brought into this, you know,” I reminded him. I’d never wanted to be a part of a vampire family. It was either join Disco’s home or face some other random vampire who decided to make me their bitch.
“Oh, I know, it’s the reason I’ve defended you for so long.” Shock tore through me, only this time when he saw my expression, he presented me with a cold smile. “That’s right, I’ve defended you. More than once,” he said, answering my silent question. “When you left Gabriel and created tension in his home, I spoke up for you. He nearly lost it, Rhiannon. He was a ticking time bomb. I had to remind the family you’d had a hard life that none of us can or will ever understand. But that’s not an excuse anymore. You’re going to have to start facing up to your decisions and take responsibility for your actions.”
I was shocked, taken aback, and thrown for a loop.
There it was in a nutshell; a slam dunk in my face that I totally deserved. Goose was right. I had been holding onto the past as a way to make excuses for my future. The problem was I didn’t realize it until he pointed it out. No, not pointed it out. I didn’t realize it until he thrust it in my face and made me see. No pretty words, no sugar coating, and zero bullshit.
Put one on the board for Ethan fucking McDaniel.
“I didn’t know how much it affected Disco when I left.” I hadn’t wanted to think about my lover’s pain, despite the knowledge that perhaps I should have, because I had been too concerned with my own. “I had no idea how he felt.”
“Now you do. Consider yourself informed.”
“That’s not why you’re here, though. Is it?”
“No, that’s not why I’m here. You have to understand the situation isn’t just about your or Gabriel. Not anymore. Marius hasn’t returned to New York in over a decade.” When Goose addressed me again, I listened—closely. “Paine informed me that you’re aware of the reasons. For him to return, to come here now after so long, means you’ve reached the end of the line.” He leveled me with a harsh stare. “Your time is up. You’ve been riding the edge of darkness so long you can’t see the curve just ahead. You’re going to crash and burn, but I won’t allow you to take everyone down with you. My purpose is to protect the family, even if it’s against you.”
“I’ve never seen you this angry before.” I wasn’t sure why I said it. Maybe it was because I wanted him to see himself through my eyes, or maybe it was because I didn’t like being the center of attention. Or maybe it was because the assertive side of Ethan was one I respected.
“This isn’t angry,” he corrected me. “This is me being what I am and have always been—a familiar who is loyal to the family that protects him. Precisely what you should be. You’ve forgotten your place. I can’t allow our friendship to interfere with that.”
“You told me I could always come to you,” I reminded him. “You said our friendship stood outside of the confines of the family.”
“It did and it does. I’ve had to make a decision, even if I don’t want to. I’ve been a familiar longer than I’ve been your confidant. You draw a line in the sand and don’t leave your friends”—there was acid in his voice when he said the word—“with any other choice, and they’ll be forced to turn their backs on you. That’s your decision. Your choice. Not ours.”
A heavy knot of foreboding formed in my gut. Somehow I’d forgotten that Goose, despite becoming a close friend of mine, had only known me for a short period of time. No wonder he wasn’t taking my side. He felt cornered with no hope of escape.
“Did Disco send you here?”
“He didn’t have to. I know what will occur if you don’t do as Marius asks. I wanted to speak to you this morning but you’d already left.” He shook his head, jaw spasming sporadically. “Horrible mistake, by the way.”
“What did I do wrong this time?” Or maybe it would have been easier to ask what I managed to get right for a change.
“Marius saw the bags in Gabriel’s bedroom and assumed you hadn’t moved in. When you left, going about your merry little way, it confirmed his suspicion.”
Double standards, how they piss me off.
“What about you?” I snapped. “You don’t live there either and it’s just fine and dandy. Why should it be an issue if I don’t?”
He stared directly at my neck, at the fading circular marks Disco had left behind. “Do you really have to ask?”
I didn’t realize I’d used my hand to conceal the nearly invisible punctures until Goose informed me. “You and Gabriel have issues. I get that. But it’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and grow up. Take your own advice for a change.”
Another first—a weird one, too. “You did not just say big girl panties.”
The air was so thick with tension it weighed everything down, exerting an invisible pressure on my shoulders and chest. “I’m not sure what’s going on between you, Gabriel, and Paine, but you’re going to have to come to terms with it, accept it, and stop pretending. Pretending means you’re only going halfway, and halfway will get you killed. Come to terms with things, sort them out, and do what you have to.”
The walls were coming down around me. There was no safe place to hide when a person was backed into a corner. “You’re sure I have no other choice?”
“I wouldn’t be here otherwise. You might think I’m being extreme, but the truth is I’m doing the last thing I can for you as a friend. If you care about any of us—if you love any of us—hand the knife over. Don’t waste any more time. The gesture is coming late, but it might be enough. Take the risk and find out.”
“I’ll get the knife and bring it to Marius tonight.”
Victoria might kill me, but she was a problem I could deal with later, and there were other options available. Having Goose show up like this, unkempt and frantic, terrified me. He wasn’t a liar; it wasn’t his style. He came to me as a warning, to give me an opportunity to do the right thing. I didn’t want to give Marius the dagger, but I would if it meant protecting myself and those around me.
“Swear it. Give me your word.”
I wanted to skirt past Goose’s gaze, but I couldn’t. There was so much desperation staring back at me, so much fear. He was never like this. Never, ever. It was like learning your beloved family pet was now a rabid canine—Old Yeller of the human variety.
“I swear.” Just to be a smartass, I made an X across my chest and smiled. “Cross my heart and hope to die.”
My gesture of good will didn’t amuse him. He didn’t even crack a grin. “Don’t say that, Rhiannon.”
“Why not?”
He sighed, came to me, and cupped my arms—gently this time. “You don’t have to hope.” He squeezed but the gesture wasn’t soothing. It was firm, and came along with a sound and deafening observation. “Death is already knocking at your door.”
I wanted to please Goose, but enough was enough. If I allowed terror to control me, my attempt to do the right thing was doomed to fail. I crumbled under the stress, thinking only of myself and survival. It was an instinct I’d learned, one that would never fully go away.
“Your visits are always such a pleasure,” I said and stepped back, forcing him to release me. “It’s a wonder I don’t have you over more often.”
“Why did you leave so early this morning? You know how important it was to show Marius your loyalty to the family.”
I wrapped my arms around myself, running my palms up and down th
e area Goose had touched. “I’m taking a new self-defense class, and I had errands to run. Marius’s arrival might make you clear off your schedule, but I have a personal life.”
“You’ve never had a personal life,” he grumbled and lowered his head. “All it is for you is work, trouble, and more work.”
“Speaking of that.” I waited until he actually looked at me before I pressed on. “What do you know about the murdered girls near the club? Have you heard anything?”
“I can’t say that I have. Why?” Thank God, he finally seemed to be in control of himself. There were tension lines around his mouth, but he wasn’t screaming, and he wasn’t acting crazy.
“I checked things out and—”
“You checked things out?” His face went from normal to blood red. “You mean to tell me that you can’t spare enough time for something important, but you have the time to investigate dead strippers?”
Anger stirred, heat rising from my chest. They weren’t just strippers; they were women with family, friends, and people who cared about them. People who were—probably at that very moment—mourning them. Not to mention they were also dead and deserved some amount of respect. For a second I considered sharing my plans to use their murderer as my sacrifice to Marigold, but I decided to keep it to myself.
“You’re already walking a fine fucking line with me,” I said. “I’m warning you.”
The urge to cross over and get in his face was strong, but I fought it. If Goose kept pushing my buttons, this would end badly. The poor bastard’s nose had mended, but it wouldn’t take much to break it again. Not in my present state. Yes, I’d fucked up, but he was saying things that got under my skin in the worst way.
“Your threats don’t scare me. What’s the worst that can happen?” He moved closer, such a dipshit thing to do. “We fight? You show me how proficient you are at kicking some ass? Then what? I walk out the door and you’re left in the same place. Stubborn, alone, and dumbly waiting for whatever comes your way.”
He’s here to help you, I reminded myself. Keep your temper in check. Without repeating that one sentence in my mind, I would have lost it. Goose was a friend, but even friendships had limits.
“If you’re going to keep insulting me, there’s the door.” I folded my arms over my chest, grinding my teeth. “Don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out.”
“Don’t be a fool.” He didn’t bother going to the door; he came to me instead. “You know me. You know the man I am. Would I have come here like this if my concern wasn’t genuine?” I started to respond and he stopped me by pointing at my chest. “Take it off.”
The idea of doing so—of taking away what had become a safety blanket—caused me to panic. Before I could dwell on that Goose repeated, “Take if off. You don’t have to throw it away. Put it in the kitchen while we talk.”
This had happened a few times before. Goose hated Marigold Vesta’s amulet. He couldn’t give me a definitive reason as to why, but he never liked being around it.
“Fine.” I slid the necklace from my neck, walked into the kitchen, and placed in on the counter. Something inside me didn’t like removing it, demanding I put the charm back on. I fought the urge, staring at the necklace, balling my hands into fists.
“Come to the living room,” he called out.
I took a deep breath and relaxed my fingers. When I walked through the entranceway, he was seated on my couch. I took the empty recliner and crossed my legs.
“Well?” I asked.
“Where is your anger now?” He was studying me closely and I felt like an insect under a magnifying glass. It was another thing I loved and hated about the man. Goose was a people reader. He loved watching people, learning about them and unlocking their secrets.
I shrugged. “I’m not angry.”
“I know you’re not. You’re finally in control. When I entered the apartment, you were so twitchy you couldn’t sit still, like a drug addict eager for your next hit. Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know,” I drawled. “Maybe it has something to do with the vampire who is in love with my former boyfriend and wants to kill me?”
“It’s the amulet,” he stated with total conviction. “As time passes, it’s only going to get worse. You’ll become paranoid, jumping at your own shadow. You’ll think everyone wants to take it from you, and you won’t want to be separated from its power. It goes both ways, too. The amulet likes you. It feasts on the light and dark you feed it. That’s why you’re perfect to master it. You’re a combination of the things it needs most.”
A horrible state of awareness struck. Clarity, like a blinding ray of light breaking through dark clouds, made me realize just how stupid I’d been, how goddamned stubborn. I’d done plenty of douchetastic things in my life, back when I was alone in the world. There were no friends. Aside from the sister who tried to kill me, there was no family. It was just me, surviving day to day. I owned my mistakes, even if I was ashamed of myself at times. No one but me took the heat when the shit hit the fan.
But this…
Son of a bitch.
Goose was right.
The last few weeks I’d been more agitated than usual. I contributed it to what was going on between me and Disco. Although I shouldered a portion of the blame for what transpired, so did my lover. He’d broken my trust and heart. I’d been so fixated on the past I hadn’t truly thought about the future.
I dug deep down, thinking about how I felt. Here and now.
A chill rushed through me. For the first time in weeks, I wasn’t as angry or annoyed. I was just myself, worried about Goose and his visit, as well as what was going to happen when I handed over Sucker. What would happen to Disco? To Paine? Self-preservation didn’t seem so important. Fear for my safety and those I cared for were my primary concerns.
My stomach knotted, making me uneasy. “When did you get all this knowledge?”
“Sonja isn’t the only person with access to information.” With a knowing look, he added, “I’ve been watching you. You can’t tell you’ve changed, Rhiannon. You have no idea how different you’ve become.”
“Why do I feel like I’m not going to like where you’re going with this?”
“Because you’re not. You’re experiencing real emotion right now. Not a fabrication. It doesn’t come along with a cloud of confusion because as a mortal woman you’ll do what it takes to live. The amulet removes that natural instinct. That’s why I’ve asked you to get rid of it. The thing is no good.”
“You’re just telling me this now?” Ethan McDaniel’s timing wasn’t just shitty, it totally fucking sucked. “When there’s so much at stake?”
“I tried to tell you before, but when you became confrontational, I backed off. I thought I had more time to convince you to listen to me.”
Everything came together in a stark moment of understanding. “And now there isn’t any time.”
“Exactly. You need your wits about you. You need to be the woman you were before you became enthralled by dark magic. The amulet clouds your mind and encourages you to make bad decisions.”
“The amulet belongs to a fallen angel. It can’t be all that dark.”
“Which goes to show that you’re doing your research all wrong.”
I exhaled softly, preparing for a lecture. “Go ahead, give it to me.”
“We’re looking for stories on angels, right? Their origins, the creation of the world. Things like that?”
And any other information I could find, but I didn’t tell him that. “Yeah, so?”
“Fallen angels fall because they want vengeance. They’re not ready to rest. That’s why they are chosen. Yes, they are beings of light, but there is enough darkness to warrant the fall from Heaven. They destroy demons because it’s easy for them, something they enjoy. As beautiful as they might seem on the outside, they are evil on the inside. They have to be to do what they do. They are not so different from those they hunt, aside for the fact that they come from th
e other side of the spectrum.”
“Kill demons?” I hadn’t seen that in any of the tomes I’d read. “I thought they fell to maintain the balance between good and evil?”
“They focus on the creators of vampires, what they consider a taint on humanity. They protect the innocent from evil. Think about it, what do you think is more evil than a follower of The Dark Lord?”
“Are they a danger to the family? Would Marigold hurt Disco and Paine?” That was something I didn’t want. If I revived Marigold, I wouldn’t allow her to harm them.
“If she hurt them, it would only be indirectly, unless they get in her way. Vampires retain a soul. The fallen only kill bystanders when they have no other alternative.”
It made sense. Good versus evil. Light versus dark. All taking place right at my backdoor.
“You’re asking me to discard the amulet now? When I need it most?”
“You don’t need it, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. You have talents of your own, and you forget how resourceful you can be when necessary. The necklace creates the illusion you can’t be strong unless you keep it. That’s why it’s so addictive.” He leaned forward, rested his arms on his knees and steepled his fingers. “When we exorcised the entity, you did so by yourself. You used the information you’d been given, you kept control and you handled yourself beautifully. You don’t need any help. It’s your lack of faith in your own power that makes you weak.”
“If I do what you’re asking, I’ll make myself vulnerable.”
Shaking his head, he produced a soft sigh. “And there is the problem. You already are vulnerable. You’re thinking with a one track mind. Stand back and take a look at the bigger picture. When you do, you’ll be able to view the entire scope of the situation.”
“You do know Marius wants to kill me, right? Without the amulet, I’ll be a dead necromancer walking, no matter how powerful I am.”
Goose rose from the couch. “I’ve told you what you need to know. I’ve given you my advice. It’s up to you to listen to me or wish you had.”
