It wasn't a big secret, at least between Jessie and Amanda, that Jessie was sexually repressed. Her idea of a hot night of lovemaking was reading a sexy book and falling asleep to dream about it. She didn't date, and had turned down several attempts to set her up. She had her job, her cats, and her books. What more could a woman want?
They watched various other scenes play out for the next hour before Carolyn asked to be driven home. She explained that she had early appointments, and the rest of the group decided without her there, they didn't feel very comfortable in staying.
Jessie wished she'd at least caught another glimpse of Chase before she left, but he was nowhere to be seen. As they walked out the door, she decided it was probably for the best. She didn't belong in his world.
Resting in her bed later that night, her favorite companion Sebastian purring as he slept on her chest, she rethought the evening. Rubbing the soft fur behind his ears, she smiled in contentment. This was a safe life, and didn't involve having her emotions ripped to shreds or leaving her heart shattered because she dared to trust another human being.
Closing her eyes, Chase Davenport’s beautiful face filled her mind. It wasn't worth it. No man as sexy as him could ever be satisfied with a wallflower like her. Forcing her eyes to open, she glanced into Sebastian's feline eyes. "You'd never let me down, would you, baby?" Smiling at his responding purr, she put all thoughts of the handsome stranger out of her head.
CHAPTER TWO
Reminiscing
Knowing what was right didn't always mean your mind would get on the same page. During the next four nights, all her dreams were filled with Chase in one scenario or another. They were usually at the club when her fantasy started, but on a few nights she imagined them rolling in red silk sheets on what she imagined was his bed, since her own sported practical white linens.
Working from home was the only reason she hadn't gotten behind on her assignments. Her mind just couldn't focus. Having her thoughts disturbed not only in dreams, but at many points during the day by a half-naked, gorgeous hunk was taking a toll. Fixing Sebastian his favorite bowl of kitty chow in the kitchen, she shook her head in disgust at her mental debauchery.
The book club was meeting tonight, and she hadn't even read the featured novel because every time she started to read, her mind went off into fantasy land. Obviously her body wasn't happy with the way she'd been denying her needs. She could never give in to Amanda's idea and purchase a battery operated boyfriend. She had nothing against sex toys, but the thought of using them on her own body wasn't appealing.
She considered bailing on the group tonight, but Amanda was hosting. Not showing up would hurt her friend’s feelings, and she knew there was a guest speaker planned. If there was one thing you didn't miss, it was a night with a speaker. Usually they were authors', and it took considerable planning to arrange their visits.
With a sigh, she stepped into the shower, knowing she wasn't going to play hooky. They were still discussing that BDSM story and she knew it would remind her of Chase, but even that wasn't enough to make her risk upsetting her best friend. She wished the steaming mist would help her relax instead of make her imagine the feel of a certain sexy man's hands all over her body.
Frustrated, she stepped out and wrapped herself in an oversized bath towel. Three years without a date was ridiculous. Maybe she should consider letting Amanda set her up with someone. Maybe a sexy dungeon owner who enjoyed tying women up? Shaking her head, she quickly dismissed that thought. Some nice man, who wasn't complicated, made much more sense.
Her thoughts turned to the reason she'd stopped dating as she wiped away the condensation on the bathroom mirror. Greg Foster. The first year without Greg, she'd considered herself in mourning, and had shut herself off from the rest of the world. He'd broken her heart in ways that couldn't be easily forgotten, even if he wasn't at fault for finally realizing he wasn't into women.
He'd been her first love and they'd dated since tenth grade in high school. Back in those days, she hadn’t thought much of him not being interested in sex. In many ways, it had been a blessing not to have to deal with all the drama of teenage sex.
They'd decided to go to college together, still a couple, and he was a hugely attentive boyfriend compared to those of her peers. He always complimented her on her looks, and took her to events most young men would have balked at. But as a freshman in college, surrounded by people enjoying their own sexuality, her sudden new need to explore became more of a craving.
Greg had tried to be what she needed, but the awkward petting was never very satisfying for either of them. Maybe in hindsight she'd known he was gay, because when he touched her it was just embarrassing or felt plain wrong. The end of their freshman year, he'd confessed he had feelings for another male student and for a while, her world had completely folded in on her.
When she was past the heartache, she realized they had bonded for life, and she’d offered him as much support as she could when he came out. She never admitted to him how much their breakup had damaged her own self-esteem, nor the fact that back then, she’d blamed herself for not being enough woman to satisfy him. And bizarrely, sometimes still felt that way.
They’d remained friends during her sophomore year of college, but after he met Barry, the love of his life, they slowly drifted apart. By the time graduation came, they barely spoke. Her goal in life became business, and if Amanda hadn't befriended her, she was pretty sure living out the rest of her life as a recluse would have been her fate.
Meeting Amanda had been one of those lucky deals, and she remembered to the day how it had come to be. She was working as an intern for the multi-billion dollar computer firm Amanda's father owned and had been called to service some software in her office.
Soon, she learned Amanda had no understanding of technology and it didn't seem to like her very much, either. Anytime she touched one of the desktops it seemed to malfunction. After Jessie’s first month of working for Amanda’s father, they were on a first name basis. She spent hour's computer coaching her new friend.
After a few more months, Amanda began inviting her to lunch every day, and their friendship continued to bloom. They were from two different worlds. While Jessie had struggled to pay for college by working side jobs, Amanda had everything she ever wanted handed to her on a silver platter. But even with all their differences, there was a bond that continued to grow between them. They complimented each other perfectly.
Slipping on a comfortable pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Jessie continued to mentally reminisce. She couldn't imagine not having Amanda in her life. With the death of her mother last year, Amanda was the only person she had to turn to. She had never known her father, and all her mother's family was half-way across the country.
Her friend had helped her get the work from home position with her father's business when it was listed. The depression she'd suffered after losing her mom had almost destroyed her. She'd barely been able to make it out of bed each morning, and had she not been given that job, she would probably have ended up living in poverty, as her mother had.
Greg's reveal had nothing on the devastation of knowing her mom had lost her life because she hadn't been able to fight her heroin addiction. She'd always struggled with the addiction but had managed to still be a parent in her own way. One half-way house to another had become her mother's fate after Jessie moved to campus, and she still blamed herself for not being at home to help her.
The depressing thoughts all crashed in on her now, and she knew going to the book club was the only practical means of escape. She couldn't change what her life had become, and considering her past, she felt fortunate that she had as normal a life as she did. Reaching down to stroke Sebastian, she forced a smile. "I'll be back home soon, baby."
CHAPTER THREE
Book Club
She made it to the book club, amazed her memories of Greg and her mother hadn't caused her to be later than she was. Walking through the door of Amanda's impressive
condominium, she struggled to get her thoughts in order. Since meeting Chase it seemed all the bad memories had decided to haunt her at once. She'd almost believed she was at the point of finally starting to heal. Obviously her mind wasn't ready to let go of the pain.
Smoothing back a few stray hairs that escaped her ponytail, she wished she'd taken more time with her appearance. Confidence wasn't really her thing, and the women here were all polished. They all seemed friendly, but Jessie felt out of place.
Her jaw almost hit the floor when she saw who the guest speaker was as she entered the living room. Having all eyes turn toward her didn't help at all. She felt herself flush and hurriedly made her way to one of the oversized chairs, shooting Amanda a look. It took a few seconds to calm her racing heart as she sat down in the last free chair.
"Glad you could join us Jessie. Carolyn invited me over to talk with the group about the romance aspect of BDSM, since it's a topic you're reading about this month." Chase smiled warmly.
"Nice to see you again, Chase," she whispered a greeting as she pulled the book out of her purse and focused her attention on it. She couldn't imagine sitting here for an entire hour listening to him speak after the fantasies she'd had of him this week. Hoping her face wasn't as red as it felt, she fought back a wave of nerves.
"So one of the things Carolyn has explained to me, is that most of the male dominants in your books are egotistical and almost abusive. Let me assure you that in the real world of this lifestyle, that's not normally the case. We respect our submissive's. That type of mentality is something I would never support."
"A submissive is to be cherished for the gift of submission, and it's an honor to know she trusts you enough to put her well-being into your hands. People from the outside usually pay more attention to the tools or toys we use, but rarely take the time to understand the devotion behind the relationship itself. Above everything else, our relationships are safe, sane and consensual, and that's a motto every self-respecting dominant or submissive lives by."
"So how did you discover this lifestyle, if you don't mind me asking?" Lauren was one of the older women in the group, and Jessie was surprised she was interested in the topic.
"I had a girlfriend who introduced bondage to me in college. I was living in Chicago at the time. After experimenting a little with rope bondage, she invited me to a munch, which is another word for a meeting, and I was intrigued. After we parted ways, I remained connected with the group that hosted the munch's. Through that group I befriended a wonderful dominatrix who had been living the lifestyle for over forty years. We began talking and she helped me find my path."
"A dominatrix, isn't that a woman that beats men?" Amanda was obviously curious.
"I can answer that one, Chase." Carolyn smiled patiently. "We prefer to call what we do fulfilling the disciplinary needs of our submissive's, Amanda. For me, personally, the men that I play with enjoy pain and want a strong woman that is willing to humiliate them."
"I'm a little confused, Chase never mentioned humiliation." Jessie whispered, keeping her eyes focused on the book, shocked that the words had slipped from her mouth.
"Very astute, Jessie,” Chase said, smiling at her question. “Carolyn and I have very different styles of playing. I consider myself more into the aspect of a loving master role, while Carolyn appreciates sadomasochism."
The conversation continued, and Jessie fought to keep her eyes off the gorgeous man talking. The questions were as diverse as the people in the room and secretly she was enjoying the discussion. When Chase stopped speaking, she discovered she missed the sound of his voice, and looked up. Finding his dark blue eyes staring straight into hers forced her to catch her breath.
Pulling her attention away, she realized they hadn't even discussed the book they'd read this week. She was somewhat grateful, having not read more than a few pages. Carolyn said they would go over the book next week, almost reading her thoughts. That gave her a week to catch up.
Chase walked over and reached down to pluck the book off Jessie's lap. Staring at the cover, he grinned then raised an eyebrow. "Pretty steamy pair."
"Um, yeah, I guess so," she said, fumbling over the words like an awkward teenager.
"So what do you get out of reading these books? I'm curious why women read these when they could explore with a partner instead."
"I can't speak for all women." God, her voice was trembling. This man was definitely not the type she should be interested in. He made her feel entirely too much.
"What about you, personally?" Lowering down to a knee so they could be on eye level, he rested his chin on his fist as he waited for her to answer.
The scent of his cologne wafted under her nostrils and she felt her mouth water. Think, Jessie. Her heart raced as she tried to consider his words and not the stunning man gazing into her eyes with an expression that left her longing. "I guess I like to imagine what they feel."
"Wouldn't it be more exciting to experience what they feel?" His eyes searched her face.
"It's safer to read about it," she admitted, her ability to think slowly disintegrating as she lost herself in his stare.
Chuckling softly, he stood up, still staring down into her eyes. "Perhaps safer, but not as memorable." Holding out his hand, he helped her stand.
Swallowing repeatedly, she couldn't deny the jolt of pleasure his warm hand combined with his words forced her to feel. She lowered her eyes. The intensity revealed in his gaze left her knees shaking. "Maybe." The soft-spoken words came out as a squeak and she felt awkward and confused.
"Feel like getting out of here and going for coffee?" Chase winked.
There were a dozen reasons why she should have said no, but she decided honesty was the way wanted to go. "I could handle some." Perhaps she should have chosen a better phrase. The wicked smile on his face made her think he thought she was discussing more than a drink.
"Same here." His smile broadened. "Do you need to tell your friend's goodnight before we leave?"
"I do." She smiled shyly. "I'll be right back." Shakiness was probably another sign she should make up an excuse not to go, but it was only coffee, she reasoned, not another trip to his dungeon. Making her way to Amanda, she hugged her. "Thanks for a fun evening."
"Are you leaving already? I thought a few of us could crack open some wine after the rest of the group leaves."
"Chase invited me for coffee, and I said yes." She lowered her eyes at her admission, not sure what her friend would think about her leaving with someone like him.
"Carolyn tells me he's a really nice guy," Amanda said, nodding. "I don't see what having coffee could hurt. I'll call you in an hour, just to make sure you made it home."
"That sounds good. Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?"
"Absolutely. There's a new Italian restaurant that opens tomorrow and I'm dying to try it out." After giving her friend another brief hug, she glanced at her intently. "Take care."
"I will, and I'll see you around noon?" She wasn't really worried about Chase trying anything.
"Sounds good. Have fun." She waved Jessie off with a smile.
Jessie’s nervousness increased as she and Chase made their way down to his sleek sports car. Then, she realized the feeling was anticipation, not nervousness. She was very aware of him as a man, more so than she'd ever been with Greg and the feeling was new to her. It had been a long time since she’d allowed herself to think of a man as anything other than a business contact.
"There's a great little coffee shop on Marietta Street, unless you'd like to go somewhere else?" Turning his eyes to her, his brow furrowed.
For a dominant male, he didn't seem pushy at all. "Whatever you think is fine with me," she said. Focusing on her clenched hands in her lap, she just hoped she didn't stumble through a conversation with him.
"Charged words, Jessie, and every dom's dream." He chuckled softly, "You can relax, I promise not to go all alpha male on you tonight."
Unclenching her hands, she shrugged
apologetically. "I trust you." She kept quiet after that comment, until they parked outside the coffee house. Afraid that anything that came out of her mouth would be misinterpreted. He guided her inside, his hand at the middle of her back, and she was more than aware of it the entire time.
The place was thankfully not overcrowded, which was unusual except for this time of night during the week. Finding an empty table away from the few people who were there was easy, and he led her to it, even holding her chair out. "They have great cakes here, if you're interested?"
"Just a coffee for me please. I have to keep up my girlish figure." She laughed self-consciously and tried to remember the last time she'd actually been on a date.
"I think you look perfect." With a wink to her, he waved the waitress over.
They ordered their drinks and he filled up what would have been awkward silence with conversation on normal topics. He listened intently as she discussed her job. Jessie couldn't remember the last time anyone had acted this interested in her.
"So what about you?" She was curious about the man behind the club. "Outside of the club, do you have hobbies?"
"I have many actually, I love to skydive, hike, go to concerts, and even though I'm not a big romance reader, I enjoy reading biographies of famous people." He stopped to take a breath.
"Wow, those first few hobbies make you sound like quite the adventurer. I can't say I’ve done much of that sort of thing." She was more an indoor type of person, but the thought of doing some of those things with another person didn't sound half bad.
"Maybe you'll let me take you some time. Perhaps we could start with a hike. Being surrounded by nature is something everyone should experience."
"I think I'd like that, as long as we're not talking mountain climbing. I'm not sure I have the endurance for that." She tried to go running a few times a week, it helped clear her head when a project was stressing her out, but she didn't consider herself a health nut, by any means.
Romance Book Club Page 2
