Keeping my eyes closed, I just nod and lick my lips, trying to savor every bit of him and his sweet words.
OUR SUMMER PROGRESSED like that—stolen moments, playful times, sweet … and hot … kisses. Until one day I woke up and realized I was falling in love. I’ve always loved Greer as my friend, but now my feelings had morphed into something that consumed me, making me crave him. I wondered if that was normal, or healthy, to feel that intensely about someone.
When we weren’t together, which was pretty rare, we were texting or talking on the phone. I wrote him letters and gave them to him with a promise that he wouldn’t read them in front of me. I babbled about my plans for my horses, for my future, and for us. He was so cute. He answered every sentiment with his own thoughts and ideas, feeding off of mine, yet growing them, until our ideas were bigger and better together.
A few weeks before our magical summer would come to an end, my world was shattered. And I used the broken shards from the wreckage to carve up my life until it was virtually unrecognizable … but necessary. Although Greer never left my side, our relationship would never be the same. Never again would it be the pure and innocent thing that it once was. He did his best by me, but I knew deep down that I had forever tarnished my golden boy.
Chapter Three
Now
MAKING MY WAY across the room to him, that familiar pull is as tangible as a tightly held string being wound around its spool, but I am so confused as to why he didn’t tell me he was coming here that it’s hard for me to be excited to see him. I start to worry about the plans I have of making it on my own and changing my reputation and path. Of course, now I know that changing my reputation is going to be more difficult than I thought.
Even though he’s got two girls fawning all over him, his eyes never leave mine. When I reach him, he says, “Girls, have y’all met my best friend, Denver?”
They turn to me, and the look of disgust that passes over their faces is almost comical. One of them sneers, “Yeah, we met her earlier. She’s the one, huh?”
Greer exhales loudly and grabs me by the wrist. “Yeah, she’s the one,” he mutters quietly, as he whisks me from the room.
“Greer, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Wyoming.”
He ushers me out the door and into the breezeway where our party has spilled out. Lacing his fingers through mine, he continues leading me until we round a corner onto an empty walkway outside of the campus apartment building. When we reach a quiet spot, he pulls me against him.
“I couldn’t do it,” he murmurs into my hair.
“Couldn’t do what?”
Hugging me tighter, he says, “Leave you. I couldn’t leave you.”
I hug him back and kiss his cheek. “It wasn’t forever.”
“It felt that way.”
“How long have you known you weren’t going to Wyoming?”
“Since we said goodbye.”
I slap him on the shoulder. “Greer, that was weeks ago.”
“I know. I wanted to tell you, but there was never a good time with you being gone to your dad’s and all. And then I thought you might like the surprise. Girls like surprises, right?”
I laugh and pull back to see amusement dancing in his eyes. “Usually. But I wish you’d have been honest. I was honest with you.”
“About that …”
“Yes?”
He takes a deep breath, and I see the resolve building in his eyes. “I want us to be together. What I said back there about you being the one—you are my one. My one and only. I want a fighting chance with you, Denver. You didn’t give me one. You determined that we were … what was the word you used … toxic.”
“Greer—” I start to protest and try to move from his embrace. He cuts me off and pulls me tighter.
“You’ve never given me a chance, chicken. You put me in that damn compartment, and that was it. You owe me better than that. I’ve always been there for you, and you know it. I don’t deserve that.” Determination rings in both his voice and his eyes.
I know he doesn’t deserve that, but it’s what I had to do for my sanity. He was all right with it until he wasn’t anymore. I don’t know how to answer him without hurting him, so I change the subject. “I hate when you call me chicken. And we’re in college now, so do you think you could drop it?” I tilt my head and ask, “Why do you call me that? Just to get on my nerves?”
Laughing, he rubs his jaw for a minute. “Chicken butt is to get on your nerves. But not chicken.” I raise my brows, prompting him to continue. “When I was little, I was obsessed with chickens. Loved ‘em.”
“I remember.” His favorite thing had been to feed the chickens, but he didn’t leave when his task was completed. He hung out and watched and laughed and carried on.
His look turns a little shy, but he continues.“ Yeah, well, I thought they were pretty, with all their colors and gracefulness and conversations.”
I can’t stifle the laughter that bubbles up. “Conversations?”
He drops his head back on the wall. “Yeah, conversations. You can’t sit still long enough to notice, but they’re actually really smart and beautiful and unique.” I let out a deep breath. “You’re my chicken.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head at him. “That’s sweet, Greer. But I’m still not crazy about it.”
His eyes turn serious and capture mine. “And it’s been my secret way of saying ‘I love you’ ever since we were eight years old.”
My heart slams to a stop inside of my chest before slowly picking back up and regaining speed. I say nothing. Couldn’t if I wanted to. He’d told me he loved me before, but not until we were sixteen—the knowledge that he has been telling me long before that is humbling.
He grabs my belt loops, pulling me even closer. “All I’m asking for is a chance, Denver. I know the commitment thing is hard for you. I’ll be patient,” he says with all seriousness.
Committing to him is not the issue. God, I’d give anything to be commitment-phobic. That would be a walk in the freaking park compared to my issues. I finally nod, and leaning in, I admit, “I get it. I do. But it’s not a good idea to be with me, Greer. I just don’t trust myself. You shouldn’t trust me either.”
“But I do. I know you better than anyone. Hell, I know you better than you know yourself sometimes, especially where this is concerned.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I persist. It’s always been about protecting him from me. Can’t he see that?
“I’ve never known worse pain than when you left me and told me that what little we had was over. I’m hurting right now,” he pleads, his voice desperate. “But I believe in us. Can’t you try?”
I don’t want to hurt him with my next statement by making him feel like he’s old news, but I need him to understand where my head is. “I hoped college would be a fresh start for me.”
His hands slide around my waist, holding me tight to him. “Maybe it’s a fresh start for us too.”
I should’ve known better. He always sees the positive. Who could say no to his hopefulness? I take in his earnest expression. His beautiful blue eyes shimmer with the moonlight and promise. “I’ll think about it,” I somewhat relent.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE you’re not drunk,” Maggie says as we enter our dorm room. I have to admit, college is pretty cool so far, seeing as we can party right on campus and not have far to go to crash. I’m pretty jealous that Greer had gotten the apartment deal too.
“I can hold my liquor pretty good. Except for tequila. I only drink that if I have no desire to feel or think or remember shit. Did you even have a drink?”
“No, not big on it.”
“So … Pete?”
She turns and sinks in a dreamy state onto her bed, letting out a loud sigh. “Pete Ford,” she singsongs. “He drives a Chevy.”
I laugh loudly. “Well, that confession is not the one I expected to hear from you since you two snuck off for a bit.”
“I know,” she s
queals. “I just thought it was cute. He’s so … spectacular.”
“Spectacular? Do tell.” I crack the bathroom door open while I change quickly into my pajamas and brush my teeth.
“I don’t know. He’s just … different. We talked about everything, like we were old friends. He was so nice to everyone who came up to him. He actually recounted the times he’s seen me ride.” She groans loudly, causing me to poke my head out of the bathroom. She looks mortified. “He saw my fall last March, Denver.”
I grunt around my toothbrush and quickly spit into the sink. “And he still thinks you’re cute? He’s a keeper!” We watched the tapes while we were prepping. It was gruesome, and she still had the knot on her head to prove it.
“I know, right? And, what’s better, he asked me on a date. Like an actual date! He didn’t do that annoying thing that guys do nowadays. You know? That immature as hell thing they’ve got going on.” Her voice drops and she mimics, “You wanna hang out sometime?” I burst out laughing as I try to rinse my mouth out. “Anyway, he’s Ransom’s best friend. They’ve been rodeoing together since they were real little.”
“Really?” I can’t keep the interest from my voice.
“Yeah, he said Ransom’s a good guy. Tough, of course. Grew up real harsh, but is set on making something of himself.”
“Hmm … I didn’t get to talk to him for long, but he seemed intense and interesting.” When I went back to the party, the two bitches, whom I later learned had actual names, Becky and Amber were chatting him up. Then I watched him leave with a different girl altogether.
I ended up shooting the bull with Greer and the other ropers before grabbing Maggie and calling it a night. “So you’re interested in him?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I mean, I think I’d like to be friends with him.” I give myself a hard stare and question which type of friendship I’m looking for. Even if he wasn’t the one I could have that kind of friendship with, I still wanted to be actual friends. “I’ve just always admired him and his dedication,” I finally admit. “I’d like to get to know him better.”
“Well, I’m thinking maybe I judged him too harshly based on his looks. Pete spoke very highly of him. Speaking of looks, who was the good-lookin’ blond you were talking to?”
I blow out a deep breath and join her on her bed. “He’s a long, complicated story. That’s who.”
“Well, I’m not going anywhere except to change.” She bounces up and leaves the door open as I stretch out on her bed and contemplate where to start. She pokes her head back out after a few seconds and orders, “Talk.”
Laughing, I launch into a quick recount of my growing up with Greer. How we lived and breathed every moment together because our mothers and fathers had been best friends before they had a huge falling out. Fortunately, we were older when that happened, so it didn’t keep us apart. By the time I get to our brief attempt at something more than just friends, Maggie’s stretched out beside me and listening intently.
“The next part is not so simple.” Releasing another deep breath, I look her in the eyes and pray that she gets it without asking too many questions. “A couple of years ago, our relationship took a turn and we became … involved. A physical relationship, but nothing more … not in a relationship.” I bite my lip and wait for it. I tried to explain it to one other person, and she never got it and actually stopped talking to me. She then promptly told the biggest male gossip in school about our arrangement. That grew and festered into what I had to deal with at the party tonight from Becky and Amber.
Maggie shifts and looks like she’s thinking for a second before blurting out, “I don’t understand.”
That’s what I was afraid of. I’m going to have to be blunt. “We used each other for sex, Maggie.”
“Oh.” She nods once.
“Yeah, look, that’s the thing I wanted to talk to you about, and I hope that you don’t hate me and join in on the let’s-bash-the-hell-outta-Denver-club, but I have a reputation for having …” I search for the softer term for it. She’s too sweet. There’s no way I can say fuck buddies. “Friends with benefits,” I finally finish.
Her mouth makes the O shape before she finally breathes out, “Oh …”
“You know,” I tell her with a shrug, “it just works for me. I’m not tied down, and there are no expectations of them or me. We have a great friendship and then we … have sex. And everyone is happy.”
She narrows her eyes at me, assessing me. “You’re really happy with that?”
I flip over on my stomach and put my head on my folded arms. “Yes and no. It’s why I was shocked and a little disappointed to see Greer.”
“What do you mean?”
“We were supposed to go our separate ways, but he followed me.”
Her eyes widen. “Wow.”
“I know,” I say with a groan. “He’s asked me to give him a chance at an actual relationship. He’s never asked anything of me. I don’t know what to do.”
“I think it’s kind of romantic,” she says with a sigh. “And he is your best friend. Who better to fall in love with? Do you love him?”
I suck the air between my teeth sharply. That’s the crux of the problem. I do love Greer and at one time, I was falling in love with him, but I ruined that. And I don’t know that I can ever get that feeling back. “I love him like a friend. I don’t know if it can be more than that, though.”
Maggie further narrows her eyes at me like she’s bound and determined to get to the bottom of this. “Do you want it to be more?”
He did nothing to deserve my denying him, but things between us had been so strained because I had done some awful things. Now I wonder if I really was all right ending our relationship on that note. All those years, tainted with the ugly, unraveled threads I’d woven in. Our once-beautiful history cannot be denied, and if I let him back in, maybe we can capture that again with some work. And if I’m with Greer, that may be enough to keep from living up to my full slut potential. Even though it’s probably not the smartest decision, I find myself whispering, “I think I might.”
How we’d come to this crossroads in our relationship is a lot more complicated than I let on to Maggie, and it kills me how we were both jarred from our innocence with a series of soul-crushing events.
Chapter Four
Then
I HANG UP the reins and run my hands down the leather. We had a good ride. I smile when I think about Greer climbing on behind me and riding a little ways. His hands had never left my hips, and his lips had never left my neck. He’s been so wonderful, but we’ve never really discussed where we’re going with this. It has only been a month, but I hope our lack of labels is because he sees us like I do—undeniable and strong.
Our connection is so strong, and our being together seems like a “given” to me now. I can’t imagine not being with him after what we’ve shared this summer. Still, it’s like we’ve existed in a bubble, and I’m afraid it’s about to land on a sharp piece of grass. Our summer’s coming to an end all too quickly, and I wonder how things will be when we return to school. Will he tell everyone I’m his girl? Will I ride beside him in his new truck? Will he write my name on his notebooks, doodling little hearts around it? He certainly has doodled his name all over my heart.
Letting go of the reins, I spin around to head to the house. The ridiculous grin falls from my face immediately.
“What are you doing in here?” I ask Blake. My mom’s new husband cares absolutely nothing for our animals and has no right to be in here. Clearly, he’s been standing there a while watching me.
“I could ask you the same question, little missy. You’re supposed to be in bed.” Shit! Greer and I had sneaked out for a midnight ride. My mother doesn’t really give a shit; she might yell a little, but Greer’s mother will flip the fuck out. I hope they didn’t call her.
I narrow my eyes suspiciously. “How’d you know I wasn’t?”
“I just went in to check on you,” he says, as he
closes the tack room door behind him. I swallow nervously. I can hear a slight slur to his words, and I know firsthand that he can’t handle his liquor.
I strive to keep the panic from my voice. “You went into my room? It was locked. How’d you get in?”
“I picked the lock, missy. I was worried about you when you didn’t answer the door.”
My blood boils and calls for me to throw myself at him, clawing and scratching, but I maintain my calm façade. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t do that again. I’d also appreciate it very much if you stay out of my room and away from me. I don’t trust you, Blake.” As soon as I utter those words, my control snaps. “And, as soon as my mother wizens up, your sorry ass will be down the road just like the rest and her number seven will be a distant memory.” I am seething by the time I finish my little speech. I’m hoping that my strength puts him off like it has the ones who have come before him. How many times have I had to fight off my mother’s perverted husbands or their perverted friends and family? It’s repulsive. I need to make him see that I’m too strong to be fucked with. That I’ll shout the barn down and rip his head off if he messes with me. His free ride would effectively come to an end, and I’m praying that he won’t risk it.
“Sorry ass, huh? How you figure?”
I point my finger at him, and I curse myself at the little tremor that courses through me. “Because I’m not stupid. I know what you want from me, and I’m not gonna let you take it. I’ll die before I let you touch me, but I won’t die before I fight you with every ounce of life that beats within me.”
Blake throws his head back in laughter, surprising me. When he quiets down, he surprises me further when he says, “You have a mighty high opinion of yourself, little missy. I don’t want nothin’ from you. I just came to check on you. And don’t lie to your mother again, or I’ll be telling her all about your little midnight ride with Mr. Tanner.” I open my mouth to tell him not to talk about Greer, but he raises his hand and keeps on going. “Did you lay down for him?”
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